Would this bother you?

[GlovePoppet]

Been with BF

It's tricky. Does she strike you as the sort of person to make an accusation like that?

What did he do that prompted her to threaten it?

Is he at her house for long periods of time? After children are in bed?

QuiteLikely, I don't really know the ex, only what BF has told me. He's always been a bit reluctant to spend time there because apparently she's made these threats before in his previous relationships. Of course I only have his word to go by and he could be spending a lot of time with her, although he does also spend quite a lot of time with me and spends most nights at my house.

I think what's really bothering me is how easily and quickly it seems he has brushed this under the carpet and acting like she's done nothing wrong. I feel like he's disrespecting the position she's put me in. I can quite easily imagine that if the shoe was on the other foot, he'd be very upset. My ex and I don't have that kind of relationship anyway but I can't imagine I would diminish his feelings in a similar position and continue with my ex as if nothing had happened iyswim.

It sounds as if she still has feelings for him tbh. The threats seem to be her way of controlling him when he is involved with someone else. How long were they together for? How long have they been apart?
Have you had a frank conversation about this with him? He may not realise how much it's upsetting you. It's unlikely he doesn't realise how he is acting isn't right but it may be a case of trying not to rock the boat.

I think if there was anything going on, he wouldn't have told you about the threat.

He told you he was "thinking of" going to the event, which he did. He did not mention it til you asked, but he didn't lie.
He "let slip" his ex was at the after-meal - again he did not lie.
He said she was at a separate table - which she was. (He didn't arrange the restaurant layout!)

So they have been texting each other pics of the DC. I think this is understandable, especially if he is trying to calm the waters and stop her behaving erratically.

You said
"I think what's really bothering me is how easily and quickly it seems he has brushed this under the carpet and acting like she's done nothing wrong. I feel like he's disrespecting the position she's put me in."
I understand his point of view, but I think he's just putting his DC's needs before anything else, which is the right thing for him to do.

I understand this point of view.

Waiting, they were together 7 years and she was the one to end the relationship, I think because he couldn't trust her after some longstanding lies she told. He's described their relationship and from a female perspective, I thought it sounded as if she had emotionally detached from him and was probably having an emotional affair with a colleague. They've been separated 2 years now. I hadn't considered that she still has feeling for him or wants him back, but I do think she's struggling with the fact that he's moved on and she hasn't yet. I have wondered if she felt until recently that he was her 'back up' plan and doesn't like it now that option has been removed.

I'm just really uncomfortable with it all. I have tried my hardest to be understanding of her position and wanted us to be amicable for the sake of the DC. But I can't help take her threats personally. I get that her primary motivation in making that threat was to hurt DP but it's also hurt me when I've done nothing to deserve it. I 99% believe he's been faithful but it's that niggling doubt, especially as he's let go of his anger towards her all too easily.

Thanks pocketsaviour, that does reassure me and I also get that they have to do stuff like this for the DC.

It maybe doesn't come across in text but what I was trying to relay was that although he didn't technically lie, he didn't like telling me that they'd been out for a meal together and he drip fed the information. It's this that makes me uncomfortable. The table is one example. By saying they were seated separately, he wanted me to think they weren't there together. 'Separate' table turned out to be a table for 4 that is separated by a gap of an inch, like the ones in many fast food places. So really they were sat together he just didn't want to tell me that. To my mind, If he had nothing to hide, or thought there was nothing wrong in what he'd done, he'd have just told me outright without drip feeding information and trying to make it sound as if it was something it wasn't. This is what is making me question it.

If he hadn't said that about the table I would believe him about them sleeping together, the fact he has lied would make me think he was lying about them being together too, sorry, but I am a very suspicious person by nature, this would drive me nuts tbh.

Why would she lie anyway.

I think it's only human to have a niggling doubt, especially when it's a relatively new relationship. Bu I completely agree with Pocket. He hasn't actually lied, I think if something was going on it's more likely he would have tripped up by now.
It is probably a pretty uncomfortable position for him too. Walking in sitting and thinking gah we are sat near each other, should I tell Glove? Or is it better to not mention anything as there really is nothing to tell as she may get upset for no reason? I think the problem is sometimes when people are nervous about upsetting others they do drip feed to avoid a major argument. This can come off as being dishonest so I definitely get why it has bothered you. I would say to him look, just tell me the truth and I won't be pissed off... but if you do that you need to be willing to uphold that side of it, and not be upset if he does say he was sat with her etc

I don't know... I was with a cheat for a long time (although I didn't find out till the end of the relationship) and I can imagine that's the kind of thing he'd have said trying to pre-empt any accusations, get in there first if you like. Problem is how do you know either way for definite and its damaging..

Can you explain the restaurant situation a bit more?
Is this a whole group of families with kids at that event going out together? With the kids?

Either they went to the restaurant together or they didn't, and seats in a group of 4 is together.

My senses are tingling because I don't understand what happened, which suggests that you don't either. And him being clear and honest is the heart of this.

Sadly, the "he'd have tripped up by now" comments hold no weight IMO. Plenty of cheated of women on here will tell you it'd been going on a fair while without them knowing.
Also the fact he told you could be a pre-emptive strike to be able to say "I told you she threatened to say that, she's crazy".

Even this reason for their split makes me she dumped him, because he couldn't get over her lies?

You can't know whether he was telling the truth or making a pre-emptive excuse up. But you can know whether he was lying about this meal.
Saying she wasn't with him when she was sat with him is a pretty big lie. Even if nothing happened, I'd question whether someone who hid that not to rock the boat was right for me. I want a boyfriend who comes home and texts me "oh god, sat right next to her tonight!". Because he trusts me to understand. Doesn't patronise me by thinking I'm going to go crazy.

Focus on what you know - and what you know is that he misled you about this meal. How will he react if you tell him that's wrong, and you won't accept it again?

I think waitingforegg is on the nose, he has drip fed to you because he's not known what to do for best and hasn't wanted to upset you.

So if you tell him "Look just be straight up with me in future and let me know if you've seen her" it should hopefully resolve this.

I am usually one of the most cynical people ever by the way, and been cheated on plenty of times myself!

And honestly, sorry to go on, but... she's made these threats before in previous relationships?
It's only been 2 years and he's been with you one of those. How many times is she supposed to have done this? And did he ever tell you that before, or only when she had supposedly threatened to tell you?

If my ex had form for trying to sabotage my relationships, I'd tell my new partner sooner rather than later.

It also means I think you should stop with the theorising about her being upset that he's moved on first or saw him as her back up. For a start, she dumped him. But this has nothing to do with him being settled with you, if it's a threat she's made before.

Cabrinha
I completely agree that tripped up by now does not apply to everyone. But I am sure many people who later find out a partner has cheated recollect odd behaviour that they previously brushed aside, not in all cases, but in some.
I definitely think the Op needs to speak to him and make it clear that the avoidance or half truth behaviour is making her uncomfortable. Unfortunately some people are fantastic liars, and could get out of any situation, I'm not sure there is a whole lot that can be done to avoid that

It's interesting how people get a different feel - I do see where the other posters are coming from.

I'm a cynical type, but I've only been cheated on once, and with prostitutes not a classic "OW" so possibly a different set of emotions.

But I don't buy this idea that he drip feeds not to upset you. Do people do that? Would he really think you'd be less upset if he said "it's about the kids so we'll be at xyz together, lucky me, huh?"

Given that she had threatened to accuse him (supposedly) surely he wouldn't risk her doing that?

Say you HADN'T asked about the event?

Then she accused him.
And he hadn't even mentioned it AT ALL.

Pretty damn stupid to puelf in that position.
Would he really do

The meal after the event was BF's treat for his DC I think. No other families from the event were there and they must have all gone together rather than 'bumping' into each other. But why not just come out with it? Here's how the conversation went:

Me: have you eaten or shall I make us something?
BF: oh, Ive eaten at fast food place whilst I was waiting at the train station.
Me: oh I'm so jealous! Did you end up going to the event?
BF: Yes. (Fills in about event). I took DC to fast food place for a treat.
Ex said (can't remember what).
She was there but not sat with us. Well, it was one of those tables with the small gap.
Anyway, she was working on such and such while we were there .

All these sentences were spaced by short silences while I sat there quietly feeling pissed off.

I hadn't thought about bringing this up because I feel like I'm in the wrong for being bothered. If I can't accept he will have to deal with his ex to some degree then it's game over anyway, surely? A pp has hit the nail on the head - whether this happened or not, my trust has been damaged.

I agree about recollecting odd behaviour.

There's a reason OP only 99% believed him.
Could be because she's cynical generally
Could be because trust is hard after previous betrayal.
But it could be that she's got that little list of odd behaviour collecting now.

I've been cheated on. With my last boyfriend (not my cheating ex!) I'd have believed 100%.

OP, I think it's worth exploring in your own mind why you couldn't just write off her accusation as unfounded.

I'm surprised people are saying he hasn't lied. It seems he only said he had gone to the event when Op specifically asked. He let SLIP about the restaurant and deliberately misled the Op about the fact they were sat together , i.e. the table was separated by an inch, a petty detail but one that was designed to mislead.

These are lies via omission and people who lie about the little things usually don't have a problem lying about the bigger things.

He also said he wasn't going to put himself in that position again yet has done , and it was unnecessary. Supporting your child at an event doesn't need to include a meal that you then hide from your partner.

Cabrinha, the other relationship was quite short, a couple of months I think. He reckons he's told me before about the threats but I don't remember him telling me that until she made the threats to tell me. My memory is bit shoddy at the moment though.

Absolutely bad, I'm upset that he's put himself in this position when specifically saying he wouldn't even though I understand he wanted to do something nice for his DC following an achievement. I'm so torn!

That conversation would fuck me right off.

Cheating or not - who wants to be treated like a patronised child?

I'm all for coparenting for the kids' sake. I had a coffee with a hated XH withy child recently. Even with no threats to make me want to keep my bf informed, I texted him "fun fun fun, say here with twat ex, still child happy and it's only a quick drink".

That's because my bf and I trust each other, don't patronise each other and want to chat about crap that we have to do!

He's accused her of being crazy, and he's treating you like you're going to react crazy

I know I'm going on... hard to explain why sometimes just words on a screen give you a bad feeling.

I think I'm a bit anti him because his reason (at least as you gave it) for the split sounds like shite.

I just don't buy cosy fast food with someone who has tried to sabotage more than one of your relationships.

So he got to the fast food place and ex just happened to be there... or he invited her along?

and she's done this (made threats to say they're sleeping together) before? how many relationships did he have in the year he was single before he started seeing you?

it doesn't quite add up, does it?

I feel he was protecting himself and that in your shoes I would be VERY wary. I'd be thinking the worst actually.

Glove
I don't think you should feel in the wrong for being bothered. As you said before, if the shoe was on the other foot would he be bothered?
There could be many reasons for this behaviour but you won't know until you ask. If he can't give you a reasonable explanation then it's not a great sign.
What I would say is he needs to sort out his relationship with her, or he will never be able to move on.