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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Would this bother you?

GlovePoppet · 2015-03-26T13:19:35+00:00

Been with BF <1 year. We both have DC from previous relationships. I was cheated on many times by STBXH and never thought I'd trust a man again until I met current BF. Things were going really well until fairly recently his ex threatened to tell me they were sleeping together during an argument about their DC. BF was upfront about this and very angry and upset with his ex. He said he would never put himself in a position where she could make accusations like that again and had lost all trust and respect for her. Despite being very confused about this situation, I decided to give him the benefit of doubt although I was honest and admitted that it had slightly dented my trust in him. So anyway, BF and his ex were both at an event for one of their DC. He had told me he was thinking of going but it took me to ask if he had actually gone. He mentioned that he had gone for a meal at a restaurant after and he let slip that his ex was there too. He clearly realised how this sounded so said she was sat at a separate table. The separate table turned out to be a table for four with a small gap between. He also said she was doing work whilst they were there, I think to prove that they were not all out 'together'. They've since been sending pictures of the event to each other. The thing is, before his ex made the accusation, I wouldn't have cared at all about this as I accept they have to do things like this together for their DC. But now I'm quite upset about it. I think mostly because it feels as though he's completely forgiven her, when I'm still quite upset and in doubt about what she said. I'm not sure what to do about it though because I know they are perfectly entitled to spend time together with their DC like this and I would be completely unreasonable to ask him not to. But that doesn't change how I (rationally or irrationally)feel about this. Would anyone else feel similarly uncomfortable about this or should I get over myself?

44 replies

GlovePoppet · 26/03/2015 13:19

Been with BF

OP posts:

pocketsaviour · 26/03/2015 14:51

Oh TBH OP I think he's been pretty straightforward. OK so you asked "Did you go to the event?" but after that, he volunteered all the information. He said the ex was there - you didn't have to ask. He told you that the tables had a small gap. I'm not really sure what more you wanted him to say?

Yes people definitely drip feed. My BiL used to do this with my sister, who has a real problem at the start of their relationship with insane paranoid jealousy, she was actually quite abusive. (She had a lot of therapy and is much better, they have been together nearly 20 years now.)

Anyway BiL would be in town shopping and he'd bump into a mutual female friend. He would then have a massive dilemma.
a) come home and say "Oh I bumped into Jenny in Sainsburys today." This would be followed with my sister saying "Oh did you now. Just bumped into her, eh? WITH YOUR DICK?!"
b) or come home and say nothing, but be faced with the possibility that they might run into Jenny in a week or so, who would say "Oh hey PocketSis, how are you? Your DH said you weren't very well when I ran into him last week." This of course would then create a furore of "YOU DIDN'T TELL ME YOU BUMPED INTO JENNY THEREFORE YOU ARE SHAGGING HER!!!"

(Of course I'm not saying you're like that OP, this was I response to someone saying why do people drip feed.)

Cabrinha · 26/03/2015 14:53

"I feel like I'm in the wrong for being bothered"

That's not good.
Why?
You shouldn't be with someone that you can't talk openly about this with.

Cabrinha · 26/03/2015 14:57

But pocketsaviour, your BIL had a good reason to dripfeed.

OP's bf actually has a good reason NOT to!

You're right he volunteered about ex being there. But possibly realised he had to? Sounds like the kids weren't with him that evening (as OP mentions food for him). So he may have realised he was very close to being asked how the kids got home after. Given that he was on a train.

I'm sure he didn't sleep with the ex that night. But all this arse covering bull about her not really sitting with them?

Look, hands up, I have an ex who opens his mouth and the lies fall out. I'm biased. This utter SHITE made me more angry than his cheating, tbh!

WaitingForEgg · 26/03/2015 15:02

pocketsaviour
"Oh did you now. Just bumped into her, eh? WITH YOUR DICK?!"
Hahahaha
Pretty much what I was getting at... although reactions may vary in severity
People often don't think "oh look he is being open and honest with me, we have a great relationship" they think "he's mentioning another woman... why???"

NeedABumChange · 26/03/2015 15:02

I would be fine with it but then I'm friendly with exes and it's only on MN where people think it's odd for men and women to spend time together when they co-parent a child.

I think he knows you have a problem so is paranoid of saying the wrong thing and upsetting you.

badbaldingballerina123 · 26/03/2015 15:03

I'm with cabrinha. It really is patronizing and I don't accept other posters suggestions that he didn't tell you so as not to upset you.

Had he really not wanted to upset you he wouldn't have gone to the restaurant. He would also have put appropriate boundrys in place with the ex so that you had no need to be concerned.

wannaBe · 26/03/2015 15:06

it's about transparency IMO, and if someone feels the need to withhold/change details then I would be questioning why.

On occasion my ex has been round here or I have been round there to talk about something relating to my ds. On occasion I have invited him in and have even offered him coffee although admittedly that hasn't happened for a while now. But in the event it did, or if we ended up in the same restaurant with ds I would mention it to dp when I spoke to him, or would possibly even text him from said location and say "I am at y restaurant and x is here as well," not because I need to prove myself as trustworthy to my dp but because it's part of our conversation. He knows full well the relationship between me and my ex and knows that even if we ended up in the same place it wouldn't have any relevance other than that we were both there with our child.

But if I started altering details or not telling him he would likely start to wonder why.

GallicGarlic · 26/03/2015 15:18

Disclaimer: I have been made to believe I'm a possessively paranoid lunatic in previous relationships. I never was one, but the mind-twisting went so deep that I still think I must be, iyswim.

Thing is, when you love somebody and they say they've got a vulnerability (real or even imagined), you try to help them with it don't you? Let's compare it to a mortal fear of spiders. If an arachnophobic OP posted that their partner was force-marching them to spider exhibitions, we'd all say the partner was cruel. Similarly if they sneaked spiders into the house and casually mentioned, several days later, there was a box of spiders in the wardrobe. We'd be saying she needs someone who respects her needs - not that she's got to get over it because, well, spiders happen.

There isn't much of an excuse for 'protecting' your partner by doing something they fear greatly, keeping it secret or drip-feeding. It basically means you're going to do what you damn well please and don't care how your partner feels about it. Your only concern about their feelings is whether those feelings are inconvenient for you.

FWIW, I even think this about pocket's sister. It's great that she's fixed this vulnerability now - much better for both of them - but, really, he'd have been kinder to gently explain that he'd bumped into Jenny and metaphorically hold his wife's hand while she went through the pain.

Glove, I hope you will find ways to explain this to your boyfriend and get the respectful care you deserve. Obviously I don't know how much cause you have for real concern here, but I feel your disquiet is justified.

GallicGarlic · 26/03/2015 15:19

... not because I need to prove myself as trustworthy to my dp

But, if you knew he needed proof, presumably you'd offer it :)

Jan45 · 26/03/2015 15:37

t's only on MN where people think it's odd for men and women to spend time together when they co-parent a child

Bullshit-that is not what people are being asked or answering here.

WaxOnWaxOff · 26/03/2015 15:54

he's done a nice job of painting the "loony ex" who is upset he's moved on when she hasn't, who has threatened to say they're sleeping together and has form for this.

co-parenting is all well and good but why would you want to go out for a family meal with someone who is likely to use it against you and your current relationship?

he's also doing a pretty good job of having the OP question herself, deciding to 'save her' from getting herself upset by being vague and drip feeding, and claiming he's told her before that the ex has made similar threats, although the OP can't remember that conversation and is blaming her dodgy memory ...

AmyElliotDunne · 26/03/2015 15:59

I know how upsetting it is when your DP has to spend time with his ex. I have found (on DP's suggestion) that spending time with them all together helps to take away some of the mystery surrounding her.

I thought it was a terrible idea, but actually seeing them interact, the way they talk to each other and the way he is with me in her presence, reaffirms that I have nothing to be jealous of.

She has said some stupendously inappropriate things within earshot of me, however, it became obvious that it was just how she is, nothing more.

Because I trust him 100% I have been able to get over some things which, to an outsider, would have looked very suspect, but knowing him and her, knowing how he feels about me, I have been able to think it through (not easy and it took some tears time!) and come to the right conclusion.

Is it possible that next time there is a family event you can join them?

Original poster

GlovePoppet · 26/03/2015 15:59

Thanks for all the input everybody. It seems like opinion is divided a little but I am feeling more justified in my uncomfortableness and will therefore have a deeper discussion about it with BF.

The thing is, despite being cheated on in all my previous relationships, I trusted BF 100%. They've had to do things together with their DC before and I haven't batted an eyelid. I'm definitely not paranoid usually or even demand he behave in a way that would put my mind at ease. If anything, he's previously been the one to go out of his way to be transparent, always nervous and reluctant about going to her house to talk, according to him because he hasn't wanted to risk being put in a position of being accused of cheating. I've been pretty laid back and actually encouraged him to have an amicable relationship with his ex. Of course, that was before the accusations/threats by the ex.

I'm not sure what's going on now. I get the feeling that bf is pretty spineless when it comes to his ex as when we first met, she would swap and change their contact arrangements and it often meant he had to change or cancel his plans with me. He very rarely said no to her until I expressed my unhappiness at having our plans constantly change on a whim. Now he's much firmer with her. Although him going from furious at her to sitting having cosy meals does remind me of this spineless behaviour.

I guess I need to get to the bottom of why he didn't just factually fill me in on the fact that they'd gone for dinner together. I think if I'd been him in the same situation, I'd have sent a reassuring text as other PPs have mentioned. It just feels curteous given the context.

OP posts:

wannaBe · 26/03/2015 16:01

well, if he needed proof then I would be wondering why that was. Whether it was because he was generaly paranoid/insecure in which case we would need to have a discussion about where that had come from and the impact it would have on our relationship, or if it was because of something i had done/said which sparked that insecurity, in which case we would need to have a discussion about how I could reassure him and what I could do to try to avoid that insecurity in the future.

In the former case the insecurity would be his to own, but in the latter it might be mine, depending on the action which had led to it.

I do not believe that general paranoia/jealousy should be indulged as it is utterly destructive, so in the case of the poster whose sister was so utterly paranoid no I don't think her hand should have been held through the process I think she should have been told that her reaction was destructive and would likely cause the breakdown of her relationship. No man acting in that way would be tolerated on here, neither should a woman be....

AmyElliotDunne · 26/03/2015 16:02

and yes, what Gallic said. A good partner is open and transparent, helping you to confront and deal with the things that make you uncomfortable, not hiding them from you when the secrets between the two of them are what you fear in the first place!

Original poster

GlovePoppet · 26/03/2015 16:03

Re BF painting his ex as crazy - I can see how that comes across in my postings, but I'll give him his due, he is for the most part very complimentary about her and doesn't have much bad to say about her, save for her part in their breakup and again when she apparently made these threats.

OP posts:

AmyElliotDunne · 26/03/2015 16:03

x-post wannabe! I'm not talking about indulging it, more putting it in perspective and dealing with it.

BifsWif · 26/03/2015 21:06

Who has more reason to lie?

WineAndChocolateyummy · 26/03/2015 21:16

Does she threaten him with access to his DC? That could be a reason he is non confrontational with her.

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