I need help to leave please..

[warriorwoman74]

I have NC for this but been on here for sometime so I know I can get great support here. I have 4 DCs, no family support as live overseas, been with DH for 17 years and feel that now is finally time to split. I am scared though, and I know I need to be strong. I have been in this exact place many, many times and I always cave, because I love him, because I am scared about the impact on the DCs, and because I start to convince myself (or he does) that the problem is really me.

Because of the wisdom here I know deep down he has always been EA. He has also been PA - pushing, shoving, dragged me out of the house and locking me out, intimidating me, pulling my hair, and he has choked me - but he thinks (and he had me convinced of this for a long time) that this wasn't PA as he doesn't punch me. The last time he did this I amazed myself by going to the police. This was in January. We went to court and I got a domestic violence order against him, which means if he touches me physically he could go to prison. They took it very seriously, ordered him to have counselling, and for the first time it seemed like he got it - he was very regretful and sorry.

Now though the EA has, I would say, escalated but changed in nature. So now instead of calling me a 'fat bitch' or swearing at me, he will still put me down and criticise me constantly but it is more by tutting, or shaking his head, or calling me clumsy. He still treats me as if I am incapable of making a good decision, my opinions to him are ridiculous and unworthy of consideration. My parenting is crap, my dealings with friends are rubbish, my housework is poor, my choices are idiotic. I am always trying to sabotage his time doing what he wants. I can't cope without him of course, he tells me constantly that without him the kids and the house would all go to pot. If I am sick I am annoying. If I am sad, I am dramatic. If I am stressed, I can't cope. If I need a break, I am not as good as other mothers. I am different--- everyone thinks so apparently, even my own family think I am hard work according to him. (this isn't true they love me and think I am awesome!)

In some ways he is a great dad, loving and kind and affectionate. In others though he is picky, critical, judgemental, and downright smug...like he can't wait to pick them up on their 'mistakes'. Just as he is with me.

I have tried to talk to him about it time and time and time again. Sometimes he acknowledges it and says he will change, but doesn't. Sometime he says it is all in my head and it's me. Sometimes I believe him, and then go on a mission to change and make him happy so it doesn't happen anymore. It doesn't work.

I know that I have to leave this man. I know he is toxic for me and it is bad for the kids to be around this. We fight all the time. What I need is encouragement to do it. I love him and the kids love him. The thought of divorce is terrifying. Please help give me the strength I need to do the right thing here. Will it really be that bad for the DCs? For me? We will be happier right? Thanks so much for listening.

It will be tough and he won't make it easy for you but it will be worth it in the long run.

Best suggestion I can offer is to call Samaritans, Women's aid or refuge just for an ear or advice as they are used to dealing with these situations. Even though they say domestic violence, I think they include emotional abuse in that and would be there to listen whatever the trapped situation. Just find a moment to yourself to call them (home alone, "pop to the shops" etc) and ask away or come up with a plan of what you may need to do.
Good luck hun and well done for being so brave x

Are you in a country where you'll be able to manage? Or will you come home (wherever that is).

Is there someone you can tell? Telling RL people might be the push you need to really do it.

you will be happier, happier for the rest of your life.

keep that as a mantra. make the choice for you and your children. xx

It will not be bad for the kids, it will be the making of them. I am glad every day my mum left my dad when I was eight, if she hadn't he would have ruined both our lives. Good luck, it won't be easy, but it will be worth it.

I tried to talk to him just now, and tell him how EA he is, but he just shot me down, told me I was mad, and that I was abusive one. That I am the one who yells and gets angry. He ties me in knots and makes me doubt myself.

He ended up walking off and I never got the chance to tell him I want out of the marriage. I am scared about his reaction and would really just rather leave without him here. I know that sounds cowardly but I think it would be a lot easier on the kids that way. I would like to move back home (UK) to be with my family. None of them know but if I told them they would protect me and give me the support I really need. I spoke to someone at Legal Aid (not a lawyer) and they thought because he had a Domestic Violence Order that I could leave with the children back to the UK. He has family there, so he would come back but I would be supported during the divorce.

Ugh I hate the idea of putting my extended family through this drama though. They will be so worried and upset for me. I guess I need to try and work out an exit plan. Any thoughts?

so happy for you op! This is the best thing you can do for you and the children! You know what you must do. No more selfdoubt. Tell your family first and foremost as you need rl help.

Record him. Write a diary as evidence. You can do it. You need to get home quickly. Your dc do not have a good role model for how a man behaves and treats others. This will badly influence them so get out before you permanently damage them.

Trust yourself. Follow through all the advice you have learnt on MN. You ate brave and wonderful.

You can do it. Good luck

Hi there. I hope you are feeling ok today. I think if you have decided that you need to leave H and return to the UK you need to take practical steps in readiness for the move without him knowing. Do you know what area in the UK you would like to return to ( to be near family etc) can you start looking for houses to rent on line and find out what documents you would need to rent a house. Do you have the funds or could your family help you with deposits / furnishings as presumably you would return to the uk with nothing other than suitcases. Can you look at schools in your area and find out if they have places / get places for the children for September or earlier if you think you can be home by then ? How will you support yourself when you get here. Can your family support you until you can claim benefits and find a job? Once you have some idea of these practical issues I would get legal advice in the country where you currently live. As you mentioned legal aid I am wondering if you are in Oz. A local lawyer will be able to advise you if you can leave the country with the children without his permission or whether you will need his consent or a court order. Having all the practicalities sorted out in the uk ready will show that this is not a whim and that you have thought carefully about what is in the best interests of the children. If you decide to come home without his knowledge / consent or even take a holiday he knows about but then decide not to return you will need to get urgent legal advice this end about a child arrangements order where by the children live with you in the UK. The last thing you want is to bring the children home just to all have to return to your current country to sort out the legalities of the move. You can do this and make a better life for you and your children but I think you are going to have to speak with a family member here in the UK and carefully plan your move before telling H. Best of luck.

good luck. Please do it. You can sort everything out when you are in the arms of your supportive family. Don't live with this bully a moment more than you need to. I have just served papers on my bully after 17 years of marriage. The hardest step was making the decision, the second sticking to it. Take care you sound like a very together, nice, intelligent women. Don't let him suck the life out of you!!!!!!!!

I am so so pathetic, everyone is so kind here and you are going to be so annoyed with me...I am waivering already. He is being really sweet, and I am doubting myself....again. Why can't I be strong, if not for me then for my kids? My DD6 was crying earlier after a fight with her sister, and he was comforting her and hugging her and she was so happy in his arms. Maybe it is me, maybe I am what he says I am...verbally abusive and have rage issues. I have said horrid things to him before, and yelled, it is true. But he seems to push, and push and push for a reaction and then enjoys me getting upset. Maybe I imagine that, he says I do, but I don't think I do.

Small example, but I dropped a plate earlier and he tutted and shook his head and he said 'clumsy' and had a cross face. That kind of thing happens all the time. That's not normal right?

I thought about telling my parents, but when I do there will be no going back for sure. They have no idea about any of this and they love him like a son (although they will back me 100%).

Why am I so weak.

It's not normal. You are in a cycle of abuse- of course there are times he acts nice. But you know it won't last. Do not doubt yourself here. Get advice and lay low for a while- do not try to talk to him about how abusive he is- of course he will twist it around on you.

Have strength and stay safe x

OP, you are not pathetic at all. It is totally normal to doubt yourself, especially after 17 years of having your self-esteem deliberately ground away with mental and physical abuse.

Please don't think this man is a good dad - good dads don't abuse their children's mum. He is a controlling bully and you have already noticed how he is emotionally abusing the children.

Sure he can be nice - when it suits him. Then when he's being a shit, he can point to the nice parts and say "I'm a great person and you're crazy", and you begin to doubt your sanity and the evidence of your own eyes.

If someone is nice 50% of the time and a total wankbadger the other 50% of the time, it doesn't make them bearable, it doesn't mean he's "only reacting to you winding me up". It means he's smart enough to know that if he was nasty 100% of the time, you'd have walked away years ago.

Please please please speak to your parents and get them onside. It's going to he a horrible shock for them, yes, but surely they love you and will be horrified at what this arsehole has put you, and their grandchildren, through. Don't minimise the physical abuse, let them know that he's been shoving, pushing, all the rest of the crap. "I didn't punch you so it's okay." UGGGHHHH. Makes me so

FarOut has some great advice but I can appreciate it all feels a bit overwhelming. Can you start by doing just one thing on that list - preferably consulting a solicitor? You don't have to do everything at once, just in manageable chunks. If your parents can support, you don't have to have all your ducks in a row before you come home - you can pitch on their floor at the worst for a few days. It'll be like a camping holiday for the kids :)

Does the country you are in have an equivalent to Womens Aid?

Leaving is absolutely the right thing for you and the kids. Believe me they will thank you.

Thank you so much everyone, all stuff I need to hear I know.

His father is dying. They aren't close but he is going back to UK soon for the funeral. I feel this has thrown me a curve ball and I don't know what to do now.

Hmm all go back to the UK for the funeral and not go back with him?

I was about to suggest what RandomMess said - if you can get some legal advice as to whether the Domestic Violence Order does in fact mean you can move the kids without his agreement, then this would surely be the most no-fuss way of doing it and avoiding him getting in the way?

That was what I was trying to sort out yesterday. It seemed like an opportunity, but he won't hear of us going back too. Too expense he says and he doesn't want us there.

Writing all this out is making me feel like it is actually going to happen, and I feel so much better for that. I really feel I need to start planning. His father dying shouldn't be relevant should it. I know I will look awful that I left him at such a bad time, but they don't know what is going on.

Agree with the above, use this as an opportunity. If he won't accept you all coming along for the funeral, then wave him off and use that time to leave.

pocketsaviour I thought that too. But he is staying with my parents (who know nothing of what he is really like). I could tell them when he leaves them and then fly back myself. I think it would be too hard to tell them now and have them sworn to secrecy whilst he is staying in their house.

Well then do that perhaps? Can you use the time he's away to tie up loose ends and pack what you want?

The saddest thing of all is that you've subjected your children to this man and this marriage. You know deep down this is a terrible example you are allowing to be set. Your relationship with your husband is the benchmark for your daughters and if you don't change things your chikdren will pick partners like your husband. Does that really sit well with you? You have a domestic violence order against him, he's truly horrible to you and likely to your kids and your unsure whether you should leave or not. If you want to live in misery with physical, mental and emotional abuse that's your choice but your kids deserve more.

chocolatefingersandtoes that made me cry. But you are right, you are SO right. I don't like hearing it, but i need to hear stuff like this. Because the good times are so great, it is hard to believe that they will be better off without him. But I do see with the older girl some of the emotional abuse already...she often says she feels she can't do anything right and he picks at her. BUT then I see them laughing and joking and getting on famously and I feel terrible for thinking about taking her away from him.

I am really messed up aren't i.

He most likely has very masoginistuc traits, very, very hard for little girls. Trust me I know. You have to take the blinders off and see the reality of the situation. The proof is all right there in front of you. Especially the domestic violence order against him. Dont turn a blind eye to how this is affecting your children.

Well I have done it! I told my parents and they are sending me money to go home, I told the kids and I told my DH. I am emotionally spent. It was really hard going. He is doing what I thought he would and trying to make me out to be the bad guy. The oldest 2DC's are really upset, and my oldest (15) has decided she is staying with him, cos her life is here, which obviously I am devastated about, but it is a risk I had to take. I just hope she changes her mind. The others are coming with me. We are leaving in one week, so I know this week will be tough, but I feel good that at least the announcement bit is over.

Well done that girl!!!! So proud of you! You really are doing the right thing. Don't doubt yourself, don't go back, don't let him talk you out of it. Of course, having your daughter stay with him will be difficult but she is 15 with a life of her own and friends where she is.
The manipulators of this world live off the rollercoaster of emotional abuse they dish out and the 'being kind and sweet' episodes that cause you to doubt your own judgement and sanity. Life is full of ups and downs but the added drama of all this intimidation and criticism, along with a touch or two of PA is not needed. Best of luck to you and we're here in spirit to support and help you! xxx

Well done OP. Be prepared for the whole script, shouting, blaming, then him being nice and telling you he will change and go to counselling. Then when that doesn't work more shouting, blaming and name calling. Stay strong, stay safe. A better life awaits.

It's normal to be in a state of confusion with an abusive partner. It's designed this way or they would never get women to stay with them.

I think you'll find that getting away from him and the way that he handles it will give you vindication that you've done the right thing for you and your dc.

You will then start remembering things that he's done and wonder how on earth you put up with it all. It's because you are a strong woman with the best of intentions, wanting the best for you, your dc and even him. Sometimes you just have to make sure you have tried everything and put up with the absolute kost you can put up with in order to not feel that it's somehoe you that has failed or you are at fault.

You are not. The strength that you have to show being with an abusive partner shows that you have more than enough strength to make this move. A little while to learn to be yourself again without modifying your behaviour to negotiate his reactions and you'll be on your way back to being the person you were before he wore you down.

It takes a while to get used to actually think about yourself again without hsim taking up all your headspace but it will be so worth it and your dc will have a better life because of you.

It sounds like you have good family support so that's good. Don't worry about them, they will want to help you. If it was your dc, you would want to help them wouldn't you? Let them look after you.

Congratulations OP. Stay safe at this time though. Any threatening behaviour,call the police ASAP and get him removed

Amazing! Thank god you and your kids will get out of this horrific and toxic environment. Your family will be a great source of support I'm sure. It's good you reached out to them. Be aware, the hardest week of your life is about to commence, the whole cycle of abuse will most likely be played out, probably more than once. Stay firm, remember why you are leaving...so you and your kids can have a better, safer and hsppuer life