I need help to leave please..

[warriorwoman74]

I have NC for this but been on here for sometime so I know I can get great support here. I have 4 DCs, no family support as live overseas, been with DH for 17 years and feel that now is finally time to split. I am scared though, and I know I need to be strong. I have been in this exact place many, many times and I always cave, because I love him, because I am scared about the impact on the DCs, and because I start to convince myself (or he does) that the problem is really me.

Because of the wisdom here I know deep down he has always been EA. He has also been PA - pushing, shoving, dragged me out of the house and locking me out, intimidating me, pulling my hair, and he has choked me - but he thinks (and he had me convinced of this for a long time) that this wasn't PA as he doesn't punch me. The last time he did this I amazed myself by going to the police. This was in January. We went to court and I got a domestic violence order against him, which means if he touches me physically he could go to prison. They took it very seriously, ordered him to have counselling, and for the first time it seemed like he got it - he was very regretful and sorry.

Now though the EA has, I would say, escalated but changed in nature. So now instead of calling me a 'fat bitch' or swearing at me, he will still put me down and criticise me constantly but it is more by tutting, or shaking his head, or calling me clumsy. He still treats me as if I am incapable of making a good decision, my opinions to him are ridiculous and unworthy of consideration. My parenting is crap, my dealings with friends are rubbish, my housework is poor, my choices are idiotic. I am always trying to sabotage his time doing what he wants. I can't cope without him of course, he tells me constantly that without him the kids and the house would all go to pot. If I am sick I am annoying. If I am sad, I am dramatic. If I am stressed, I can't cope. If I need a break, I am not as good as other mothers. I am different--- everyone thinks so apparently, even my own family think I am hard work according to him. (this isn't true they love me and think I am awesome!)

In some ways he is a great dad, loving and kind and affectionate. In others though he is picky, critical, judgemental, and downright smug...like he can't wait to pick them up on their 'mistakes'. Just as he is with me.

I have tried to talk to him about it time and time and time again. Sometimes he acknowledges it and says he will change, but doesn't. Sometime he says it is all in my head and it's me. Sometimes I believe him, and then go on a mission to change and make him happy so it doesn't happen anymore. It doesn't work.

I know that I have to leave this man. I know he is toxic for me and it is bad for the kids to be around this. We fight all the time. What I need is encouragement to do it. I love him and the kids love him. The thought of divorce is terrifying. Please help give me the strength I need to do the right thing here. Will it really be that bad for the DCs? For me? We will be happier right? Thanks so much for listening.

happier

Can I suggest that you get your 15 year old an open dated ticket and she keeps hold of her passport - or perhaps safer kept with a friend of yours so she knows if she ever needs/wants to leave all she has to do is collect and get on the next available plane? The abuse towards her may ramp up and she'll want to leave asap?

I think Random's suggestion is a good one. Make sure your dd has a ready escape route, her passport available to only her (not him) and that she knows she is always welcome to join you.

random that is a great idea! I will do that.

Last night was awful. I said to him before I told the kids, I was not going to go into details, I was simply going to say our relationship had broken down. He is making me out to be the bad guy to them for moving back to the UK. He is saying to them 'why is mum taking you from you home?' he is telling them I am selfish.

My DB called me last night and he said they have already sorted a 4 bed house opposite my parents for me (he has a friend in real estate) and they are gonna support me 100% until I am on my feet. They are so upset about it and can't believe i kept this all to myself for so long.

I wish I could just go now...I can't I have to wait for my girls passports to come which should be next Wed/Thurs and then I am going.

I just love your family! You're very lucky to have them. Your H is an arse who is just too predictable, try not to engage

well done you brave girl.

can I just ask ( and I'm sure you've checked this but would hate anything to mess up your plans) if your country of residence/your nationality allows you & and your kids to travel.

I live overseas, and although I'm British my kids have dual nationality so they are subject to the laws here - which mean neither parent can take them anywhere without the written permission of the other parent. Under 18's, even travelling alone say at the age of 17, have also had to have written permission.

The laws vary from country to country and also depend on your and the kids' nationalities. The country where I live is quite hot on these things. Only recently dd(17) was straggling behind us at the passport desk before boarding our plane and the passport officer demanded to know if she either had parental consent to travel alone or where her parents were.

May not apply to you - just a thought. Keep strong. xxx

I am in Australia. Would that apply to us?

Warrior, what day do you fly. Home. Fingers crossed for you. Stay strong.

I am not 100% sure, but I seem to recall that this may apply to Australia (re: the post from mrs).

I am hoping that I am mistaken .

I really don't know warrior. A quick google revealed this. From this site www.smartraveller.gov.au/tips/children.html . But it presumably only applies if your kids (or their father) HAVE AUS PASSPORTS. It's really not clear so you should get some local legal advice. May be the domestic violence order against your H will help you get the necessary permission - IF you need it.

"Important documents — guardianship
When you're travelling with children, local authorities, including customs and immigration officers, may ask you to produce documents to prove that you're the lawful parent or guardian of the children. Make sure you always carry the proper identification for yourself and your children required by the authorities of the country you intend to visit and by Australian authorities on your return. In addition to a valid passport, these documents can include:

documentary evidence or a letter that proves the child has the permission of an absent lawful parent or guardian to travel
a copy of any separation, divorce or custody decree that proves that you have custody of the child
a court order granting you guardianship of the child
a copy of the child's birth certificate, particularly if only one parent's name appears on the birth certificate and the child is travelling with the other parent."

It may be different if you all have British passports (it would be where I am, in Europe, i.e. to exit my country the authorities would be less interested.)

I am in Oz. What is your passport and visa situation? If you and your children are permanent residents here I don't think you can just take them I'm afraid.

2 DCs are permanent residents of Oz, British Citizens with British passports. 2 younger DCs were born here and have Australian passports.

In that case you need to see legal advice, as I don't think you can take them out of the country without the father's permission I'm afraid.

If the father has not put out an alert you may be lucky and just go through check in and security easily.
A mother leaving with her four children should not create too much concern, although if you only have one way tickets it might be a problem.

Gfplux, from what I've read on other threads on here, getting them out of the country is not necessarily the problem. It's the not having them removed from you by the authorities and returned to their habitual place of residence (aka Australia) as soon as it becomes clear you've no intention to return that's the issue.

He has said he will give permission.

My eldest DD (she is 15) won't come and has said she will never forgive me for leaving her and taking her sisters away. That I am selfish and evil. Both DH and DD are ranking up the pressure on me to stay, it's hell. I feel so ground down by the two them. She is just a kid, and I just feel so torn right now.

Dear warrior. I am reading your post with the ache in my heart. I wish I live closer so that I can help you in any way I could. At least to hug you and tell you that everything is going to be ok. I understand how you feel, all of it. How you want to run away and how you change your mind. People like your husband, they get a hold of your soul and they manipulate it, they twist it and turn it and in the end you yourself feel like you are a bad guy when in reality it is him who is a monster. I am so happy that you found courage to leave and I hope with my whole heart you will manage to leave him, that you will not change your mind, that he will not find a way to stop you. But you have to know, whatever happens it is ok, even if you change your mind and stay, you have to learn to love and forgive yourself. There are many more women in this world who stay in an abusive marriage that those who leave. It is very sad, but it is true. All you can do is try, keep trying, do not give up. As for your daughter I understand how she feels, and how you feel about her. She may change her mind when she grows up, but she may always blame you for “leaving her”, but staying in an abusive relationship is devastating for you and will be for your kids. Believe me. Seeing their mother being abused by their father, changes those kids, breaks them in many different places, it affects who they are, who they grow up to be. The way they laugh, the way they love, it produces sad people, depressed people, unhappy people. Believe me. I know because I was one of these children. You never forget and you never forgive.

I may go on and on with this but I will make myself stop now, because this is not about me, or my mom, it is about you and your children. Be strong, stand up for yourself, love yourself, and respect yourself. You deserve to be happy.
Good luck to you.

awful for you warrior - especially your dd's reaction - which is of course understandable.

Could you just move out? To somewhere local? Would your family in UK help you to do that with financial support until you get on your feet? At least you can get away from your H without the added stress of separating the dc's.

Can I suggest that you explain some of it to the 15 yr old? My DH was 11 when his parents split and 15 when his dad remarried and as an adult he found out a lot of things he wish he had known at the time and it was the fact he didn't know what really happened that hurt him. I'm not saying you have to go into great detail but she needs to know why you are going and she is old enough to understand relationships. Explain to her with things she has witnessed or the things he says and how you feel. Explain you talked to him about it but it still goes on.

I want to go home and be surrounded by the love of my family. DD won't come though. I just don't know what to do. Family are egging me on to leave and are convinced DD15 will follow later. She may not though. How can I leave my baby? Also, I feel he will follow as he won't want to be separated by country from his DCs. He is being utterly lovely and is desperate to make it work and is terrified he is going to lose us. He has booked in for counselling, has apologised profusely and has said in no uncertain terms that the emotional (which is the worst), physical and verbal abuse will never happen again. It is awful seeing him like this he is so....broken and sad, and I feel like a heartless bitch.

Yes, she may not follow, but at 15 she is old enough for you to respect her decision. If he does follow you, then she will also come along, no doubt, so it will be easier to see her, even if she's not living with you and the younger ones.

You are not a heartless bitch and do not trust his promises to do better. If he actually gave a shit he would not have been abusive in the first place. He is probably cacking himself at the thought of not having a live in housemaid and childminder.

Get that letter of permission from him BEFORE you cut him off at the knees, though. Keep it somewhere safe along with the passports.

You must go home. Do not be seduced by sweet words.