Husband attempted suicide, where do I get help?

[everonwardsagain]

Does anybody please know where I can get advice on how to get through this and most importantly what my role should be? My husband and I separated over Christmas but he only just moved out. Marriage problems mainly caused by his ongoing mental health (which I now see) which just destroyed us over time. I do love him but I couldn't stand back and watch the damage he was causing to our children, even tho I know at heart he's a good person. It was a genuine attempt. Past week has been horrendous. He needs me and I have such a strong urge to be there in whatever way to keep him alive. But I can't take him back, he needs to get well and I need to protect our children. I have printed some leaflets from MIND and got a number for Sane Line. His crisis team are only really just getting to grips with him. Where can I turn? Thanks for any advice x

Sorry to hear what you are going through. Of course you don't want any harm to come to him, he's the father of your children and you'll still have a love for him. However sounds like you have made your decision and whilst you can be compassionate you need to protect yourself and your children and let the professionals get him back on track. I guess you just have to maintain clear boundaries/ not confuse him as ultimately it may contribute to him taking longer to recover? How recent was this? Youre probably in shock.

Your best bet right now would be the Samaritans. They are very good (or they were) helping survivors of suicides.

For your own sake, you need to keep your ex's needs (which are being professionally manged) and your own needs separate.

The most common question is "what could I have done?" The answer, sadly, is uusually nothing. Suicide is the last act of autonomy: selfish and despairing it may be, but it says to the world "I can't live as me, but I can die as me".

and strength for you.

Just a week ago. Thank you for your thoughtful reply, it's just so hard to think clearly which is why I recognise the need to get professional guidance. Your advice makes a lot of sense, thank you

Did he come to the attention of mental health services, I guess that is key? Not sure what services are like in your area, but hopefully he is under the crisis team or home therapy team or even a community mental health team? I guess it will be about trusting the professionals to do their job and taking a respectful position as an ex partner and co - parent but also realising the limits of what you can offer in these circumstances.

But also being aware of your own support needs, the split only happened at Xmas that's very recent and who can help look after you so you can be strong for the kids in this situation?

You've done the right thing by looking to see what help is out there. There's lots of charities that offer support and advice, mind ect and they all pretty much do the same thing, in that they offer support & advice. Some also have helplines where you can talk to people. Which is good because talking can help.

Unfortunately other than the information you've already found out there, there really isn't much support or a magic wand to give you the answers/solution.

Also you may have local support groups, but they pretty much do the same as the charities you can access online, they offer support & advice but sometimes it's good to talk to like minded people.
Re your husband, he really isn't well. Medication can help with his symptoms however he needs to find someway to cope and deal with his mental health.

You and your family aren't to blame, he needs to work through what ever it is in order to get better.

He might need help in the form of medication, or things like counselling ect.

Re your DC I'd speak to their school to see if theres any support they can offer.

Thanks apple. It was a 999 call by person who found him so psych ward and now crisis team. I do love him, I'm not cross with him, I know it was the depression. By nature I am a 'nice' person, don't like confrontation, am very forgiving, not at all angry with him. Can't bear what he's going through but can't go back to him either, way too much damage over a long period of time and I can't risk confusing our lovely children. Trouble is like all nhs professionals,(and sorry to say this) but some better than others, not convinced they will be enough? If I keep supporting him, I keep him alive. So bloody confused :(

Thanks passthewine (and incidentally I'm sure I'm now drinking too much), he's getting good care in my opinion, medication, crisis team, psychotherapy in coming weeks. Children young so don't know the truth. This is just crap :(

It's not your responsibility to keep him alive, although you may feel the 'pull'.. He has to take responsibility for his own actions and I really hope he gets the support he needs. Would you consider counselling? Would it be worth speaking to the crisis team so you're on the same page, ask them what they suggest?

Ever - he's in the right hands now, talking as someone on his side.....

The thing is, your natural instinct is to want to help him, stop his pain, make it all go back to how it was before he had this episode. You need time apart and some time to actually take the severity of all of this in sweetie.

passthewine makes a great point about getting the school involved re the DC so that they know of the changes at home, and don't assume that they are 'playing up' or 'acting out' etc....

There will be at least one person in school that can help the children.

Do you have any close friends/family who can come and hold your hand. I'm not patronising you, not at all, I'm just trying to see it through your eyes....

Keep posting and telling us where you're up to, letting it out here, ranting, crying, screaming, is amazingly cathartic believe it or not.

You need to make sure you've had some food, even just a piece of toast, and lots of water to replenish the tears .

I don't know what else to say other than try to sleep and if your children want to get into bed with you whilst their dad's 'away', to feel safe and close, then I'd say let them, but if you want to keep the routine the same, keep things as they are.

Do what YOU feel is right. xx

What have you told them so far about where daddy/dad is?

I'm sorry but bed is calling, please keep posting to keep us up to date.

Hugs xx

Apple It's difficult to take control of your own actions when you're severely depressed. Mental health unfortunatly still has stigmas, it's not about pulling yourself together depression simply doesn't work like that. Yes he needs to take some responsibility by wanting help, but when you're at Rock bottom it's very difficult. It's like being in a hole and not knowing how to get yourself out.

I suffer from depression, and until you've been in that position it's difficult to empathise.

OP try not to relay on alchol too much as its a depressant, and may make you feel worse. Exercise is a good stress reliever as is taking. x

Good advice from mouse

Passthewineplz
I understand what you are saying, as I have been there many times and suffer myself. I know you can't just pull yourself together, but hopefully when he gets out of the utter despair he will see he needs to take responsibility for his own actions. I do empathise, please don't lecture or judge me.

apple I wasn't lecturing or judging you. As you know taking responsibility for your own actions is difficult when you're depressed

I stayed with DH for 22 years. He was a good and decent person but paranoid schizophrenia destroyed his life and almost my life and that of our son with the misery and stress. I couldn't leave him sooner as I was afraid of how he'd cope.

One day...... enough.
It is 20 years since I left.
I was 46 and my son was 19.

I had done my best. Divorced 2 years later.
And regained my own sanity.

I think there is a house called the may tree where suicidal people can stay for short periods

Just checking in to see if anyone else may know of anywhere I can turn to with this for help? I am at the end of my tether. We are still separated and I don't want him back, despite a lot of feelings of guilt as I took my marriage vows in sickness and in health. However, I'm not convinced all of our marriage problems were due to his depression, he however has completely convinced himself that it was all down to this. I have found lots or organisations who will listen to me but I feel that I need some advice! I just do not know what to do, he has no decent family support, his best friend and I are doing it between us but I have children to prioritise and he just is not getting any better. I am holding down a stressful job to keep a roof over my children's heads and keep their hobbies going for normality. I feel so on the edge. He is acting so irrationally but because he is not classed as an immediate risk anymore the support I can access from the NHS is very limited. He is leaning on me so heavily and I just cannot take much more.
Any advice so gratefully received, thank you x (have posted this in mental health forum too)

Sorry you're having to deal with this what support is he currently getting from MH services?

Unfortunately, in my experience, community mental health teams and especially the home treatment teams are worse than useless. If someone is not in imminent danger, they aren't interested in the slightest. They'll be told to have a bath and a cup of tea.
It's an appalling situation for both you and him, but you have to look after yourself too. I'm afraid having been through the system myself I can't think of much advice, the only thing to do is to badger the Crisis team, or apply pressure on the CMHT through his GP. In extremis, there's always A&E, I know that is nowhere near ideal. I'm afraid the quality of NHS MH services in this country is a national scandal.

His depression will in all likelihood have many causes; he may have convinced himself that it's due to your marital problems, but that's his illness looking for answers. It's an awful, awful situation, but this is not your fault. You are trying your very best.

Are you sure there isn't an element of control in all of this? My xh spent about 2yrs doing this sort of thing: as I was pregnant to start with and then raising a baby, I couldn't do much physical running about but I really took the flack with phone calls and being on the receiving end of various dramatics. At one point he had both my parents and his driving over the hills in the middle of the night as he'd gone up there and phoned me threatening to take an overdose.

Please don't think I'm belittling anyone who genuinely suffers from depression - it's a dark, hideous illness. It's just that I know from sad experience that people who genuinely mean to kill themselves get on and do it. The ones who spend months threatening and dancing around it whilst making sure others are involved sometimes have other motives.

He is responsible for his life - it's not your job to watch over him. Ultimately, if he makes the choice to die, in a funny way, that is his right, despite the hideous impact it would have on others. That is for HIM to reconcile himself to.

You deserve to live your life happily. Please be very sure this isn't his way of controlling you to ensure you can't really move on.

Fucking hell YvyB, I think that's the most reprehensible post I've read on here. The OP has made it clear that he has MH issues and that it was a genuine suicide attempt and you're suggesting it was about control? Sort yourself out.

Sadly, I have experience of the suicide of a boyfriend, which was dreadful. He had genuine MH issues and decided that he couldn't contemplate carrying on living. It was awful but there was nothing I nor any of his family could have done to help. He chose.
About 10 years later, my stbxh (at the time) carried out the actions I described above (and many others, including some that put my health and that of our unborn child at risk). It was a totally different scenario, but he claimed MH, had a counsellor etc etc, but it was NOT like the first case. He used it as a power trip and form of control.
That is why I wanted to offer the idea to the OP that SHE is not responsible. Some people are very manipulative and use the threat of suicide to maintain a hold over someone when a relationship ends. As I don't know the OP or her xh, this could be the situation here; it might not be, which is why the focus of my post was about supporting HER. It is very hard to step back from this situation when that threat always seems to be there, but her mental health is EQUALLY as important as his, and she shouldn't feel that it is her responsibility to keep him alive.
I don't ask you to justify your view to me: but please don't judge me either. And there is absolutely no need to swear at a stranger.

If he believes the marriage is the cause of the problems then you have to step away completely. That's the only way he can work out how much is the marriage and how much is something else. It doesn't matter what you think is the truth, he has to find his own truth.

I am in a similar situation, my DH recently tried to take his life, he has suffered throughout our marriage with mental health issues with 3 attempts previous, he has battled alcoholism and various childhood traumas . My kids know nothing about this other than dads not well. This last year he has got progressively worse and has been off work, he seems to blame everyone else for his actions. I have told him I can't go on , although I instantly regret as I don't want to go through the hurt. He us not talking to me and we have been sniping behind the kids backs. I feel terrible now but I don't know how much more I can take, I am constantly on edge for the next situation. He has started drinking again after being sober for 3 years. He blames me for this because of my 'moods'. I don't have any support as friends we used to have we have shunned due to his erratic behaviour. My parents are aware of some of the issues but we don't talk about it and I don't feel like I can. DH is receiving MH care through his employers but his account of the sessions are that they say he's normal and I should get help for PMT, obviously this is his account and he genuinely believes it. I desperately love my husband but feel that surviving is not enough ? Thoughts - I'm not asking for advice but welcome - I think I'm just venting and also may help to find others in same sad situation.

I know dancingbear thinks I'm the antichrist(!), but if it helps, BillyG2, I've been there. It was a very lonely, stressful, isolating time.

Be careful of falling in to the trap that I did - I got in to the habit of making all my decisions based on what I thought my xh needed (actually, what he TOLD me he needed). Everything I thought about centred on him - looking back, it was because I was frightened and felt guilty that perhaps something I said or did might trigger him to do something. It honestly didn't occur to me that I wasn't 2nd in the pecking order. It took my GP to point out that I should be equal first when it came to having my needs considered and met. He actually had to sit me down and say 'Look, if you think that you could have done something to keep your ex boyfriend alive, you're wrong. If you think that it is your job to keep your husband alive, you're wrong. It's your job to keep yourself and this baby alive.'

It is heart-breaking, I know, but you're right: surviving is not enough. This is your life too and you deserve to feel joy and have things to look forward to. It's incredibly difficult but try to reclaim a little bit of life for you and the children.