Lesbian wedding- would you invite people that you know don't agree with it, but who you love?

[mojitoplease]

Hi,

So I recently got engaged to my gf of nearly 3 years and am very happy. I'm 30 and she is my first gf.

My family have always assumed I am straight and their assumption was completely fair enough, because I only ever had bf's and was engaged to my dd's dad (I was very young and I knew it was wrong-another story) I knew I was attracted to women, but never felt the need to discuss it with anyone. I mean, it wasn't a massive part of me and assumed I'd always end up marrying a man.

Unfortunately, my parents were always quite bigoted and would go on about how the idea of gay acts turned their stomach and how unnatural it was and how it was a choice Don't even get me started on that moronic misconception! Anyway, they took the news I had a gf reasonably well and supported me, to my surprise. They have changed and adapted their beliefs and have accepted my gf as part of the family. So as much as I hated their old bigoted opinions, I have to be grateful that they have now moved on.

The problem is though, my mum (in particular) still doesn't agree with gay marriage. She congratulated us when I told her the news we were getting married, but it was very bitter sweet. We had them round that weekend and their was champagne and we properly celebrated, but at the back of my mind, I can't help but replay those very heated debates/arguments we've had with her not so long ago, about gay marriage. I know that they'll come and support us and I know that they're happy that I'm happy. I just don't think I'll be able to enjoy the day as I should, knowing that there will be people there thinking it's wrong. My mum won't be the only one, although she's the most important to me.

I'm not suggesting that I don't invite her. I love her very much and we're very close. I think I'm maybe just looking for advice on how to ignore those nagging feelings I'll inevitably have on the day. It will really hurt and I don't want to feel anything other than happiness on our big day.

Thank you for reading.

From what you ha pave written your parents both like your DP and are happy for you in your marriage. Maybe they were bigoted but their views have changed since they've actually experienced first hand a gay relationship?

I hope you can put those feelings away and invite your mum not only to come to your wedding bit help you with preparations and be actively involved. As for others I would only invite anyone who was truly happy for me.

Congratulations!

My male best friend was in a similar situation. His parents were very supportive when he came out, although his dad found it harder and had said similar things about gay relationships to what your parents once said. My folks, to whom he is also very close were the same and my dad really struggled with the idea of a gay wedding.

Friend and partner had a big, extravagant civil partnership ceremony. His parents were there and had been supportive in the run up although his dad had the mindset that he was doing it to support his son who he loved and that the "gay bit" was hard for him.

My folks also went, which surprised me a bit as my dad was very anxious about it all but, again he is very fond of my friend and he's been like a brother to me for a long time.

The actual day was just so beautiful. I've never cried so much - it was something my friend thought would never happen for him. More importantly, going through the ceremony and rituals seemed to be almost cathartic for the parents who'd been anxious. They just loved it too and were so happy for them both. It definitely marked another change in their understanding.

Enjoy the planning

Oh Dear! I understand your worries and feelings. However life taught me that we spend too much worrying about what others will think about our private life, family struggles etc. More often than not it is our ATTITUDE in our private life/struggles that influence the way others perceive/feel for our choices and struggles. The Mother/Daughter relationship is a delicate one. If she is not gay (and she is not) then it is hard for her to understand your wedding from within- as all mums wish. But let us face it: she came a long way from the bigoted person you described to the accepting mother she is now. I think that what the other MN advised you is excellent: invite her to help you preparing the wedding. Do not let her focus on its sexuality. Let her have a word in the choice of the venue, of the menu, of the clothing etc; allow her to dress your DD as she wishes- make sure that she will feel that she is there for you and your DD, that will ease her feelings; humor can go a long way: so if you can have some respectful but funny speech that will be great and that might put at ease the people that love you but still have difficulty with your sexuality. Of course you must invite all people that love you even if they do not accept your sexuality; do not exclude them- you might prepare some funny invitation cards; about relatives that you do not like much: talk to your mum and let her decide; if she invites them despite the fact that you do not like them then remember that you do this for your mum, that will offset your negative feelings. (believe me even straight -I hate this word as if gays are bent!!- do have relatives at their wedding that they do not feel comfy with but that their parents insisted on inviting. In fact you might be lucky and your mum will not want to invite any of those who will not make you feel good...) So remember: accept the stress and worries prior to the weddings; these are normal feelings but do not let them dominate the joy of it all: remember your attitude will determine how other feel about your choices and struggles. Good Luck!

I find that people can hold bigoted views until their views are actually challenged. You may be surprised how much knowing you and your partner has not simply helped your parents to accept, but has actually deeply changed their views. The words they said previously were part of their beliefs at that time and not necessarily the same as they will be on your wedding day. As they become more involved in your marriage their acceptance will broaden and their beliefs will adjust.

Our beliefs are not fixed and immovable (they are many things that 20 years ago I believed to be correct or true, on which I now have a broader perspective) and I wonder whether you can accept their change in belief with the same open-heartedness and love as they have accepted the changes in your life? I have held several same-sex ceremonies and none of the guests have ever said anything other than the most positive of comments.

Last week I held my first legal same-sex marriage (it was wonderful to be able to do this at last) and one of the brides had the same concerns about her grandmother. It was so important to the couple to be getting married and yet the grandmother had struggled a bit with the concept. In reality, the gran was one of the most delighted guests. I think she worried that a 'gay wedding' would be somehow disrespectful, whereas it was one of the most heartfelt and deeply longed for ceremonies that I have every held.

Matilda, as I said, I couldn't not invite her. It wasn't that long a go that I was planning my sister's wedding with her and the idea that she wasn't doing the same for me is horrible.

Overtired, thank you The thing is, I understand it can be a generational thing, but it doesn't make it any less hurtful when you think people you love are looking at you, believing you're not normal.

I don't want my mum to feel obliged to come. I want her to want to come. The weekend we celebrated, I could tell she felt uncomfortable when we spoke in detail about the day. When we said we'd both be wearing dresses (we're both very feminine) she was completely puzzled and said that surely one of us would wear a suit, because two dresses would look unbalanced Again, that's down to not being exposed to this way of life. It's just ignorance, it's not malicious, but nevertheless, it's deflating.

Could you talk to your mum about how you feel?

It might clear the air and reassure you that she is genuinely happy for you and will be happy on the day and enjoy it all...

It also gives her the opportunity to speak to you if there is anything she wants to say and hasn't yet - at least that way you will know if there are any issues she is hiding.

Weddings are always a bit of a minefield for all sorts of reasons - I am sure you will be so happy on the day that you won't care what people think of equal marriage.

It's also pretty likely that people who are against it will stay away (problem solved!) and also likely that people who are unsure about it, or even against it but come to your wedding anyway will have a lovely day, be delighted for you and have their own perceptions of equal marriage challenged when they see hoe happy and in love you are.

Congratulations!

Incidentally, I don't think for one minute your Mum will stay away but you mentioned there may be others...

I wouldn't invite any homophobic people, no.

Can you be completely honest with her about your mixed feelings? I think that up to a point you are going to have to expect to educate her (the dress vs trousers thing) but if you feel it might cloud your day if she's there but with misgivings, say so. I actually think they seem to be doing pretty well for a pair of recently reformed homophobes, and god knows how many straight weddings have happened where guests have mixed feelings about the couple! Mostly the bride and groom are or choose to be in blissful ignorance of any misgivings - you don't really have that choice as they chose to shove their stupid opinions down your throat before they knew what they were talking about.

I would give her a chance to clear the air. Maybe she still thinks gay marriage is wrong but wants you to be happy and this makes you happy. Would that be enough for you, do you think? I would have a lot of misgivings about including her in the wedding party personally but at least you would know for sure and could decide from there. It may be that she realises all her preconceptions were wrong and she's sorry for what she said.

I think what you want is a 'get on board, or get off the train' conversation really. Asking questions because she genuinely doesn't know what is usual in terms of dress at a lesbian wedding (and if she has ever seen pics it's probably Ellen and Portia's, where only one of them wore a dress) - that's fine. But when the answer is 'no, we'll both wear a dress if we want/neither will if we want/we will be getting married dressed as Thelma and Louise' - get on board.

And congratulations!

Oh dear! In these situations we do not always know how we feel. Your mum might herself not know what she wants. So just invite her. She might prefer 'to feel obliged to come' than to stay away. You know with time strong opinions mellow and negative feelings fade- what remains are happy memories. So DO invite her- DO let her know that you want her to come- DO not give her to choose not to come- You will otherwise make her and you miss something special, a beautiful common memory. It is difficult to say what I would have done if I were you- you decided you and your partner to wear wedding gowns- OK- it is your day- but can you:
1- arrange for your mum to go to a wedding where both partners wear dresses, to break the fear of the unknown? (I hope gay people support each other and you can arrange such a thing even if the wedding is of two people who are not your friends.)
2- give your mum to dress your DD. Make your mum feel that her grand-daughter needs her on this wedding day.
(Your mum felt uncomfortable when she visited you but her feelings might change when she will be in the wedding surrounded by people who are happy for you and who love the way you conduct your ceremony and your dresses etc the wedding crowd might help her understand that what your ceremony is just fine- even NORMAL albeit different from the standard ).

MaMa ... please tell me you're kidding.

You really think some random gay couple would like to invite a complete stranger to their special longed-for wedding day, so they can show her that it's okay for them both to wear dresses?!

Has anyone else seen these photos today? GORGEOUS lesbian wedding.

Two brides and two dresses, looks so fantastic. Saw it and thought of this thread.

www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/news/a38090/fantastic-lesbian-youtube-couple-wedding/

Pocket I was not kidding! Sorry it came through the wrong way. I just thought that maybe someone like HAPPYCELEBRANT might help her show her mum what it can be like. When I said to get invited by strangers, I did not mean to be a 'full guest' just to be allowed to 'observe' the bits when they exchange vows and when they dance. There are people who understand the pain of others and want to help them alleviate it even if they are strangers. Sorry if I made a faux-pas.

I don't think OP's mum is in pain due to the fact both OP and her fiancee want to wear a dress

I have visions of the scene in Legally Blonde 2 where Reese Witherspoon sends a call to arms across the entire national network of her sorority to descend on Washington to protest about animal cruelty. OP puts a call out on the hotline for a lesbian wedding featuring two dresses so her mum's torment can be eased. I think she'll have to get by with some photos and "lots of gay women get married both in dresses, chill out".

Tribpot, OP does not want to be rude to her mum. It is laudable. Sometimes silly things annoy people- they act as triggers/reminders etc.
OP mentioned that her mum was puzzled by their choice of wedding clothes. Anyway we must deeply respect OP for her willingness to help her mum through the difficult time she is going through- even if what she is going through stems from the fact that she is not happy by OP' choices. OP's mum's beliefs/view of the world are shaken in their foundation- it is very difficult for OP, even for 'straight' people a wedding is a minefield as it is without adding to it this bit- but OP accepts it and wants to help her mum go through it. Chapeau Mademoiselle OP! Good Luck!

MaMa sorry I know you didn't mean to be insulting but it's just... LGBT relationships are not there as an interesting cultural phenomenon for straight people to observe, you know? They're not a tourist attraction.

Hopefully in a couple of decades everyone will have been to at least one gay wedding in their lifetime and this sort of question/problem won't come up any more :)

Hopefully in a couple of decades people will just go to 'weddings'. x

Oh Pocket! I understand where you come from. We are not talking about any tourist. We are talking about a mum who needs to be helped to go through the initial fear of unknown. I hope you understand what I mean.

Thanks for all the replies.

I will definitely have a talk with my mum. Not a discussion, with everyone else around, like we've already done, but a proper talk. I just hope it doesn't get too heated or emotional. She is a very emotional woman and gets upset very quickly. She can also be very sharp and a bit balshy. I really don't want it to turn into another argument.

So we're going to stay with them at the weekend. Think I'll have a talk with her then. Any tips? For some reason I'm really nervous and apprehensive.

All you can do is be honest Mojito and explain how you feel and your worries that she might not have a great day at your wedding when you really want her to be able to enjoy being mother of the bride and for everyone to have a great day.

Now the idea has had a chance to sink in for her she may have already revised her opinions, as she did when she revised her opinions of gay people in general.

You can explain that you really want to plan your own wedding with her in the same way that you all did the planning with your sister and that you really want her to be a part of it all and hope that she is happy and excited to do that.

Good luck - I really hope everything turns out as you hope this weekend and please do come back to the thread and let us know!

hippy, I will be as honest as possible, but I'm concerned that she won't be. I'm worried that she'll just tell me what I want to hear. If she has issues with it still, I would much rather she said, so that we could discuss things and hopefully move on. If I really and truly believed that at her core, she was a homophobe, I wouldn't bother. My mum is a very stubborn woman and I think there are certain things which she'll dig her heels in about, for the sake of digging her heels in and I think gay marriage is one of them. She's a good, caring person and I can't imagine that she'd always be so anti. As I said, I wouldn't bother if I thought that was the case.

I do agree that planning it together would help her focus less on the same sex side of things and more on the logistics of the day. I just need to believe that on the day, the tears will be tears of joy and nothing else. Asking too much? Sadly, maybe I am.

When I really step back though, this all does seem crazy. I mean, she loves my dp and says how good she is for me and how happy she has made me. How kind and selfless she is and how amazing she is with my dc. I remember when we first got together and she could see how smitten I was, but obviously because this was all very new, she was still trying to dissuade me or make me see that it was just a phase. Her way of doing this was saying, "well if you get on this well, can't you just be really good friends?" I can see the funny (ish) side now, but at the time it was like 'don't you get it at all?!' and it was very hurtful. It was the first time I had fallen in love and some peoples reactions were taking the shine off it.

Mojito - You can't control your mum's level of honesty with you, all you can do is be honest with her and hope that she feels she can tell you the truth in return.

It may be that she does tell you what she thinks you want to hear and that she is really digging her heels in, or it could be that she can be honest and say what she really feels, negatively or positively, and you can work from there together.

I think sometimes, it just isn't possible to get the level of certainty that we want when it comes to other people and their thoughts and feelings. It must be making you very apprehensive though, knowing that this conversation is going to happen this weekend... You are brave to be having the chat at all.

Whatever the outcome of your chat with your mum at the weekend, it would be a real shame if you let this take the edge off of your experience and off of your day when you are obviously so in love and happy with your fiancee... The most important thing about your wedding is the two of you and your little family unit together. Everyone else will come around in their own time, if they haven't already.

i wouldn't, jst enjoy the day.

i knwo it's not exactly the same, but i didn't marry the father of my children and some poeople made me feel a bit shabby about that. if i ever re-married, tehre's no way i'd invite them, not even to the afters!!

She sounds like she is trying to come to terms with this and struggling some. I have lived with my gf for 15 years and when we first moved in my (deeply religious) mum was horrified, she thought it was a phase I was going through. There followed years of comments 'you will go to hell' 'those poor children' etc etc. we had a little boy 4 years ago and she cried when I told her baby was a boy as he would have such a hard time, worse than the girls we already had, and how would he grow up without a male role model. She can tolerate being in my house with gf at the same time and be civil but that's on a good day.

Anyway she is the reason we haven't got married. I can't bring myself to go ahead without her being there and can't cope with her being there! Are you affectionate in front of her? I don't mean full on snogs! My mum flinches if we sit next to each other.

Oh and she's stopped watching eastenders because Sonia is now 'one of those like you!' And the tv showed them shock horror kissing.

So from my point of view your mum is doing ok!

Wouldn't recommend attending a wedding but I would go armed with photos (internet) so she has an idea.

I am jealous! Hope you have a lovely day!