Lesbian wedding- would you invite people that you know don't agree with it, but who you love?

[mojitoplease]

Hi,

So I recently got engaged to my gf of nearly 3 years and am very happy. I'm 30 and she is my first gf.

My family have always assumed I am straight and their assumption was completely fair enough, because I only ever had bf's and was engaged to my dd's dad (I was very young and I knew it was wrong-another story) I knew I was attracted to women, but never felt the need to discuss it with anyone. I mean, it wasn't a massive part of me and assumed I'd always end up marrying a man.

Unfortunately, my parents were always quite bigoted and would go on about how the idea of gay acts turned their stomach and how unnatural it was and how it was a choice Don't even get me started on that moronic misconception! Anyway, they took the news I had a gf reasonably well and supported me, to my surprise. They have changed and adapted their beliefs and have accepted my gf as part of the family. So as much as I hated their old bigoted opinions, I have to be grateful that they have now moved on.

The problem is though, my mum (in particular) still doesn't agree with gay marriage. She congratulated us when I told her the news we were getting married, but it was very bitter sweet. We had them round that weekend and their was champagne and we properly celebrated, but at the back of my mind, I can't help but replay those very heated debates/arguments we've had with her not so long ago, about gay marriage. I know that they'll come and support us and I know that they're happy that I'm happy. I just don't think I'll be able to enjoy the day as I should, knowing that there will be people there thinking it's wrong. My mum won't be the only one, although she's the most important to me.

I'm not suggesting that I don't invite her. I love her very much and we're very close. I think I'm maybe just looking for advice on how to ignore those nagging feelings I'll inevitably have on the day. It will really hurt and I don't want to feel anything other than happiness on our big day.

Thank you for reading.

I just read one of your replies my mum also told me I had taken friendship a step too far. Like I jump into bed with all my friends! She just doesn't get it either.

Yes

OK, I would go full on practical, brisk and getting down to business. Start a pinterest board with lots of pictures of gay weddings. Show them to your mum, chat about dresses, that sort of thing. If she says something like 'but why are they both wearing dresses?' say 'because they're both girls mum, what girl doesn't want to wear a dress on her wedding day?' (I know many don't, gay and straight, but obviously don't show your mum any pics of them!)

I would be very wary of a big heart to heart because I think if you don't get the answers you want to hear from her, then you're going to be broken-hearted and it will spoil the whole thing for you. I understand the desire to really know what she's thinking, but once the genie's out of the bottle...

Ultimately I think you want something your mum isn't obliged to give you - unconditional acceptance of your choices (I don't mean you've chosen to be gay, but you've chosen to get married). Nobody gets this; our mums may disapprove of who we marry, gay or straight, what we choose to wear on our wedding day, what we name our children, what jobs we do, how much we weigh - etc etc. That's fine - they have their opinion but they do have to respect our choices and support us in them. And she does seem to be doing this.

And if she cries not because you're marrying the love of your life but because the love of your life has a fanjo - well, that's her choice. A choice which over time I think she will learn to regret very much. But at least she's trying. I don't think you can persuade her with logic if she opposes gay marriage - she is entitled to her opinion but you are entitled to her support.

There are some fab weddings on here...

www.rocknrollbride.com/tag/same-sex/

www.rocknrollbride.com/

Hope I am allowed to post these links!

our mums may disapprove of who we marry, gay or straight, what we choose to wear on our wedding day, what we name our children, what jobs we do, how much we weigh - etc etc. That's fine - they have their opinion but they do have to respect our choices and support us in them.

Good post Tribpot. It's exactly this, and I would support my DC no matter what. If I have hangups, or don't understand their future choices, that's irrelevant to me, I would still be there to support them, because I love them, and would hope they'd want my support, even if I put my foot in it occasionally.

When my wife and I got married, my parents who are very religious said they weren't going to come to my wedding, but I still invited them (mostly so I could gain the moral high ground by showing myself as the bigger person). They came in the end and a good time was had by all. Five years down the line my family doesn't bat an eyelid. I think the fact that we were allowed to get married as gays legitimised the relationship in some way in their eyes. I would suggest you go for it and invite them, they can then signal their acceptance (or not) by choosing to attend or not, but you have extended the olive branch by inviting them. Good luck! I know how political and complicated these things can be.

First of all, congratulations.

Emotionally charged conversations can be really difficult, especially when a first reaction could be a bolshy one. Could you write your Mum a letter explaining how you feel but that you would really love her to play an important role in your day (if you want her to of course) but only if she wants to. Give it to her when you stay with them and let her think about what you have to say overnight. Go for a walk with her to discuss how she feels. It's a little bit of role reversal...normally your Dad would have to get used to the idea another man was taking over as the most important male. Your Mum is having to get used to the idea that she isn't going to be the most special woman in your life any longer.

Does your DP feel the same about her family?

Both your Mums could potentially be helping choose two wedding dresses...that could be so much fun.

OP, sorry I didn't intend to imply you wouldn't invite your mum. I just meant it might help her if you actively encouraged her to be part of the planning. And as you say, that's what you want, too. I'm sure you will all get there.

Hope the weekend goes well.

Kathryn, I'm really sorry that your mum has been so cruel. Religious or not, her behaviour sounds inexcusable. I hope you don't mind me saying so, but I can't quite believe that a mother would/could say this to their child. We are affectionate with one another, yes. It was a case of like it or lump it tbh. If she hasn't liked it, then we wouldn't have gone round and we wouldn't be inviting her to our house either. I'm not going to feel like I can't show my dp affection when I want to. That doesn't mean that we're french kissing in front of them but then obviously, I wouldn't do that if my partner was a man! When you say your mum flinches even if you sit next to one another, how do you respond? Do you accept your mum's extreme prejudice? Again, I'm really sorry. I think that's really sad. Can you really not see yourself getting married just because of your mum?

As several have suggested, I will definitely get some pics together of feminine lesbian weddings, as that is what ours would be I suppose. I hope by seeing pics and youtube videos of gay weddings, it will start to look more 'normal'.

hippy, thanks for the links. Lovely 50's style dresses. Gorgeous! I think on the day though, I'd prefer something a bit more traditional. by no means meringue though! I would like something with a bit of lace.....possibly with a bit of a romantic goth edge. Going off the main subject slightly, but if anyone wants to suggests anything, I'm open to ideas!

In response to the " ... but won't one of you wear a suit...?", you could always ask whether we expect one of the men in an opposite same sex relationship to wear a dress when they marry, or it might look "unbalanced" too!!!!

As for the chat, perhaps suggest the idea of you having the time to put forward your side without comment from Mum (she could note any questions to ask afterwards), and then she has her turn. Hopefully in that way it wouldn't become argumentative. But I agree that a 1-to-1 conversation is required.

Tribpot, thank you. You've made some excellent points.

wine, no, dp's mums wont' be involved at all. She's a selfish, manipulative narcissist and actually, that's another issue with regards to invites. Dp certainly wouldn't want her involved with the planning, but she's very torn on whether or not to invite her. Her being her, she'd probably just show up, invite or no invite. Anyway, that really is another story.

Meow, thanks. I might try that response!

dangerrabbit, I'm really glad that you had a happy outcome Hoping to report back in a few years with the same news.

Way back when (70s), my parents expressed some fairly obnoxious but simplistic racist views. They were probably typical of their generation of the time. ( Oh we love black people really but wouldn't want to have mixed race grandchildren. It would be so confusing for them. Oh I have no problem with coloured people but I would never employ one of them because the team wouldn't accept it. And mixed marriages never work - meaning catholic/protestant!)

Lo and behold, I announced that I was marrying dh who is not only foreign, ethnic minority but was unemployed and Muslim to boot and both my parents had the good grace to do just what your dm is doing and express only happiness and excitement (despite what I'm sure were deep reservations).

23 years later my parents have never expressed a moment's doubt or concern, and they love dh and their grandchildren as much as me and when I reminded/ teased them about their previous attitudes they insist they never thought or said that. I genuinely think they've changed their opinions so much that they actually can't remember ever feeling any other way.

You ask what to say to your dm and I'd actually say perhaps it's best not to confront her about her previous ignorance. I wonder if my parents would have built such a good relationship with my family if I'd forced them to openly admit to their prejudices. I wonder if my dh would now love my parents in return if he'd heard exactly what they used to say. Instead my parents took the 'fake it til you make it' approach, put on happy smiles and uncorked the champagne and so now we can all remember the wedding as an entirely positive happy occasion that everyone was delighted about.

It sounds like your dm is being as supportive and happy as she possibly can. I'd take this as a gift of love from her to you and your future dw and let her learn at her own speed, without trying to second guess her thoughts and challenging her on opinions she hasn't actually voiced.

Congratulations and have a beautiful happy day. (Flowers for you and dw )

My parents' thinking has evolved too..... I wouldn't make them cringe by remindinng them of things they said when I was a teenager. I'm in my forties now. it's like they were only kids themselves when I was a teenager.

Haff, I get what you're saying and I'm glad there were no temporary riffs in your family when you told them you were marrying your dh. I suppose, just like our children, our parents can surprise us from time to time too. I am grateful, as I have said, for how supportive they were in the beginning. I suppose it just sometimes feels as though we're being half accepted iyswim, which to me doesn't really make sense. Thanks for the well wishes

OP I have a lot of respect for your parents. After a lifetime of confirming their own bias AND operating on the assumption that their daughter is straight, they've had just 3-ish years to turn it all around.

They must drive you bonkers but to work so hard to change their own perspectives and basic values... In some ways it's even more impressive than having parents who are totally supportive from the get-go, as your parents are having to put in the hard graft to become more self-aware and learn new things.

It says a great deal about how loved you are.

I hope you have a wonderful wedding and marriage!