When going out together

[Ramy48]

With DH, does he insist you leave your handbag indoors? I've never asked why he does that because when I protested once he got very irate.

If I go out on my own he want to know where I'm going and with who, if I get a call say on my mobile he wants to know who calls, if he get's a call on his phone he never says who it was..(I don't ask anyway). If I online he wants to see what I'm doing, If I look what he's doing online he gets annoyed.
If he is going out with his friends to the pub I don't question who are you going with to the pub. But when it's me he wants to know everything especially if maybe my dress is not down to the ground or my top is little bit lower than usual.

As I have become older the stupid behaviour is getting a bit more. DH has never raised his hand to me or talk rudely to me, he put money in my account for me to spend what I like but I just curious does your DH behave like this with you? Or maybe it's me being dozy.

Jesus christ writer that's horrendous. ..what finally made her leave?

This is not normal.

The handbag thing sounds like her wants to make sure you're not carrying anything he wouldn't approve of (your phone? A pen and little black book to take down the waiter's number while your DH pops to the loo?)

Because he started having an affair and started acting horrendously towards my sister and their children (awful mental and financial abuse going on) and it got to the point where her son's schools phoned social services because he'd passed a comment to a dinner lady that indicated something bad was going on at home.

She kept it hidden from everyone. I happened to just go round one day (incidentally the same day the SS referral was made) and saw she was upset and she blurted everything out. I was in absolute tears that she'd been living in such an environment. Two days later I bundled her and the two children up and brought them to live with me until another housing and financial solution could be found.

Her ex was a vile, vile man.

You say he never shouts or be nasty to you 'in all these years' but you said he got very irate when you protested about not taking your handbag out?
That IS being nasty!

If you are not happy with his behaviour then you need to challenge it. What have you got to lose if he would not hit you or shout at you?
Your DH carries on like this because you allow it.
Standing your ground is not being confrontational. You just tell him you like to take a handbag and that is what you will be doing.
You need to explain to your DH that you are an adult and he does not own you.

Re the handbag, my guess is that he wants her to be completely dependent on him to pay for everything (or even to let her back into the house) when they go out together. No doubt he thinks it's 'old fashioned courtesy' but really it's about forcing dependence on the OP so he can feel all in control and the Big I Am.

OP, do you come from a traditional/conservative religion or culture? Or has he just done a number on you? What you describe really, really isn't normal.

FWIW DH and I go out together and separately, and I have a large collection of handbags that he never comments on as we both earn money and disposable income is divided 50/50 for each of us to spend as we like. Or to put it another way, it's an equal relationship.

Ramy, this is not normal, no. And if you are made uncomfortable by it in any way, you have the right to question it and ignore any silly, childish behaviour on his part. It is abnormal for a man to dictate what clothes and accessories his wife wears, or to make his partner's life a misery over her social or online activity.

I get the impression that you are not from the UK. Are you or your husband from a culture where his behaviour would be considered normal back home? Not that it excuses it in any way, but I am wondering what makes him think he is behaving in a normal or reasonable manner, or why you have thought it was normal up until so recently.

And to answer your question, no. My DH doesn't care what I'm doing on the computer, so long as I don't make him watch Poldark with me. He would hope that I would share something particularly funny or interesting with him, and roll his eyes if he caught me reading the DM, though. :) But only normal, bantering interest, if you see what I mean.

Your DH carries on like this because you allow it

I disagree. He carries on like this because he's an abuser. He chooses to behave the way he does and I strongly suspect there's nothing OP can do to 'change' his behaviour.

Oh dear OP
This is a bloody awful situation. How can you live with it?

No, not normal. He's an abusive controlling inadequate twat.

Penguinsaresmall

I get your point, however, there are many people whose attitudes worsen because their actions go unchallenged. OP did not say she is afraid of her DH so there is nothing to stop her refusing to comply with what her DH insists on.
People can change when they are made to realise they are being unreasonable. It depends on the person and how much their relationship means to them.
Had the OPs DH been violent or threatening or had she indicated she feared him, I would never suggest that she challenge him, my advice would be to leave him.

I have a DS for him, thank god he never see's all this rubbish. DH was never always like this, just since I've wanted to go back into work because DS is much older now. Besides I was working when we met and then DH used to say no wife of his should work so I gave up my job.

Now DH has changed, I can't understand why maybe because he getting into a midlife crisis. I left school with no qualifications, I'm not the smartest chic on the block as you probably noticed. If DH divorces me I don't think I could cope.

Actually, from what you say, Ramy, your husband was always like this - 'no wife of mine will work' isn't the opinion of a normal, egalitarian 21st century individual. It sounds as if he's threatened by your (understandable) desire to return to work.

I can't remember who said if I am from the UK. I'm not, wish I was

OP, I think you should get this thread moved to Relationships. There are lots of kind and supportive women there who will be able to support you in thinking about what to do now.

Let me just say though that you would cope and the fact you don't believe that is a symptom of his grinding down your self-confidence.

You could cope OP, we don't know how strong we can be until we are tested. It might have sounded romantic him not wanting you to work but I suspect it was to cut your contact with other people he couldn't control and to make you financially dependent on him. My heart goes out to you and your son. Do you have a friend or relative you can lean on in RL for support to get out of this controlling relationship?

I have a DS for him

You have a DS 'for' him. I think that's not just a grammatical error, op.

Your husband has probably changed because the idea of you not being fully under his control (i.e. leaving the house to go to work) frightens him. He's exerting control to make you get back into the 'compliant wife' mindset. It's nasty behaviour, regardless of whether he is doing it deliberately or not.

So I know you said you're not from the UK. Do you live in the UK though?

Hi Ramy48,

Would you like us to move this thread over to our Relationships topic? Just post here or drop us a line if so.

Thank you, I will xoxoxo

That's fine, moving it now. Thanks to everyone who's offered advice so far.