Ending an emotional affair

[grizzlegrumps]

Found myself in a ridiculous situation with a married work colleague which has seen casual flirting suddenly get out of control.

Both married with small children, both having difficulties and have enjoyed the relative escapism of just talking and flirting. Nothing physical has happened, but certainly crossed the line in terms of chat.

Neither of us wants 'an affair' and following a pretty in depth chat on the phone last night, decided that it all ends now before anyone gets hurt. Agreed to focus efforts on fixing problems at home.

I feel relieved and am only sharing really to know if anyone else has been here. I started counselling a few weeks ago to try and understand why I'd got in to this situation. And feel that at some stage, I need to bring my husband in to this counselling to help sort out our issues as a couple. I understand that the EA is just an outcome of me feeling crap but the counselling is making me analyse the complete dynamic of my relationship and what makes me feel crap.

sorry, bit rambly but feel the need to post. I've name changed btw

There is not some big mystery why you had the EA. You fancied the guy, you enjoyed by the attention and it was probably fun and/or exciting. Don't beat yourself up over that and you stopped before it got physical. Use the counselling to look at your actual relationship and your self esteem. There might be problems or it might just have been a moment of weakness when you got tempted by a mutual attraction elsewhere.

First of all, massively well done OP. It took strength to take that decision, particularly when you feel crap at the moment. It's easy for us to get carried away on something that makes us feel good, even if we know that it's a big mistake in the long run, and you've dealt with this really well.

I wanted to say that I think this is very much a first step for you on a road towards feeling better and sorting out the things that are really wrong. An affair just acts as a terribly, heartwrenching, wrong delay to doing that, which makes things a thousand times worse rather than any better. By avoiding it, and focusing on the real issues, you stand a much better chance of winning your happiness back and emerging from the situation with your self-respect intact. The fact that you're doing counselling is fantastic - it will really help you to sort things out, though that process may take some time. Patience and tenacity aren't very glamorous virtues, are they, yet they are incredibly hard to practice at times.

Thanks loving. Won't pretend I haven't been consumed with feelings of guilt and shame. A big part of me being a but screwed up was my dad having affairs - and so when this all started to play out I decided to begin therapy. I don't want to mess my own children up. And obviously didn't want this to develop further- but somehow enjoying the attention still? I'm a bloody wreck.

Thank you Shove, means a lot.

I'm not a stupid person and I think that's why I've felt so ashamed; it's blindingly obvious why I've enjoyed this attention but that doesn't make it OK.

The counselling scares me a lot. I know I'm going to have to unpick and confront a lot of uncomfortable things to get to a good place. Which is going to be so hard. I need to work out when to bring dh in to the process as I know that many of the things that make me sad in our relationship are because of my own issues. Saying that, if I don't involve him I can see us drifting apart and me resenting him.

If you're still doing things with this man for which you feel guilty, stop. It's under your control. You don't 'need' the OM however much you 'want' him.

Grizzle - you made a very human mistake, when under pressure. But you realised, you pulled it back when you realised what was going on, and you're working so hard to sort it out.

I understand your fear about counselling, particularly as I start with a new counsellor this afternoon. I think the thing about therapy is this: the issues are there, whether you talk about them or not. They don't go away. Unpicking them feels very scary, but surely it's better than repressing them and living with the effects of that (which essentially is a recipe for misery).

I think it's really important to be absolutely honest with a counsellor and with yourself, and I also think that only a tiny minority of people actually are, because we often seek approval when uncovering our innermost selves - it's a very vulnerable position to place ourselves in. I have lied to counsellors in the past, because frankly I have had a lot of shit happen to me, so it is incredibly easy for me to portray everything that happens as a victim narrative in which I am a poor persecuted victim of emotional, physical and sexual abuse at a young age - and to get validation from that - than it is to confess all the messiness of the truth, in which my parents weren't monsters but people fighting their own battles. I am determined not to do that this time around.

I think you will know when to bring DH into the process. It should be with another counsellor, who knows neither of you, to preserve space for you to talk with your own person very

It is suprisingly easy to fall into these situations. I could never understand why people got into emotional affairs but when it happened to me, I could not believe how I was behaving. Mine also never became physical and stopped abruptly.

Even though I know it wasn't the right thing to do, I miss the excitement and the joy he brought into my life. I know though it wasn't ever real and this is what I have to focus on.

I hope the counselling helps you and you can move on from this.

I don't agree with 'my dad had affairs that's why I did it'
we can all blame someone but it was your choice.
you have done the right thing to end it before anyone got hurt.

I haven't blamed my dad's affairs. I've simply said that HIS affairs have severely affected me which has added to my shame and also conscious decision not let history repeat itself.

Grizzle - I am in a similar situation and have been feeling very guilty, weak and selfish.
I had a moment of realisation yesterday that it takes strength to pull back from a situation, and to be proud of doing the right thing.

Guilty - can you explain your situation? I've been feeling so crap all day. Not helped by little sleep and being away from home. Decided to head back early from work thing because I just want to be with my family. And remind myself how damn lucky I am to have them!!

I am not brave enough for counselling - I admire your bravery at looking more deeply into the causes. I'm scared of what I might find...which means I am now in a total state of anxiety and not performing at work. It seems ironic to feel so bad when ultimately I have made a choice not to do the wrong thing.
Good luck Grizzle, I hope you come back to the thread. I feel in a very dark place too and it helps to know I am not the only one trying to find my way out of a hole.

We cross posted, Grizzle, sorry.
i don't want to be too specific but we are both married, have kids and have worked together in the past. I felt an attraction from the moment I met him, but was quite happy to just enjoy it as a secret crush. We then ended up as the last people standing on a night out..and he tried to escalate it from friendly banter and sharing of thoughts on life to kissing. I can see why he thought he could, I was tactile and complimentary towards him through the evening not to mention the slight oddity of being just the two of us out. He was fine about being turned down but I feel like crap for enjoying the attention and wondering 'what if...' and whether my marriage is really ok.

I'm just trying to focus on the positives of stopping the EA and going through the counselling.

it's making me address the things in my marriage that make me feel bad. But also realise that there's a lot of good - far more that OM's situation. There's more than enough to fight for and so instead of focussing my effort on him, I need to redirect it.

My children. Many many things (inc early childhood abuse that I haven't spoken about ever) have influenced who I am now. I don't particularly like myself and want to be a better mother so that my children (hopefully) won't grow up with issues of their own. Unless I sort myself out though, I know that I'll end up passing things on. This is my primary motivator for beginning the counselling.

Some inner peace. I'm totally fed up with feeling entirely conflicted and shit. I know deep down that I'm alright, really. So want to find ways of feeling good that don't involve men and being made to feel desired/attractive.

Grizzle - you sound well on your way to being sorted and together, and again I admire your bravery in confronting things through therapy.
Hope you have some good hugs with your family today. I have been clinging to mine like I'm drowning, but just feel so bad that I have put everyone's happiness at risk.

Thanks winky. I certainly don't feel brave!!

I've debated telling DH but just don't feel it would be for any positive reason. He'd get angry, wouldn't understand how/why it happened. Fundamentally tho, I'd never want this OM over my DH. So it would feel like a lot of hurt for no obvious gain.

DH knows I'm not in a great place at the moment. It feels far more productive to invest some proper time & effort in to our marriage and trying to be happy again. I don't think he's very happy either tbh and so telling him this would just hurt him and I know he wouldn't get over it.

Guilty - just try to hang on to the fact that shit has happened but you're totally in control of what happens next. I'm reeling at how I've behaved. But, I had a good chat with OM last night and we both agreed that we didn't want a full blown physical affair. Acknowledged that it'd been a bit of escapism for both of us. But ultimately, we loved our families more than anything so needed to focus on them.

I could pretend that 'nothing happened because we didn't snog or have sex' but know in my head and heart I'd wanted it to. And that is enough of a wake up call for me.

Thank you Grizzle - I hope you find the inner peace you are looking for.

To me, male attention is a bit like a class A drug - feels great and exhilarating but the comedown is horrendous and I'm not going there again.

Is it Dumbledore that says something like 'it isn't our innermost desires that define us, but the choices that we make"

May be grasping at straws with Harry Potter philosophy but it gave me some comfort that wanting isn't the same as doing. But you are right about it being a wake up call.

Guilty - class A analogy is spot on. I haven't done anything for many years now (before marriage & children), but how I feel today and have felt recently is totally true. Think it's to do with oxytocin?

fairy - thanks for posting. Helpful and sobering to think of the consequences and also makes me think that I'll keep schtum. I can't shake the feeling that I would never want anything more from this OM. Also feeling a decent level of closure right now. So it just wouldn't achieve anything positive.

I would second that on NOT telling your husband. My wife had an EA which she has completely moved on from now (2 months) but its still there in my mind, eating away at me daily.
Its a very hard thing to deal with, so save him the heartache.

That's good advice worrieddad

I had an emotional affair and haven't told my husband. I am starting to move on now but the likelihood is he would find it very difficult and hurtful

So been good since Tues pm/wed am but slightly wobbled today when I saw OM at work. Managed to ignore him for a while before chatting, then flirting and then some texting (ending with me saying that I'm looking forward to ignoring him on Monday).

We have to work together, so completely ignoring isn't really practical. Although main resolve for not being flirtatious is that boss has asked him if anything has happened. Obvs scared the beejeezuz out of me (he clearly said no) but when office is quiet (like it was today) it's hard not to respond to him.

Should be easier next week as office busier and I absolutely detest the thought that anyone thinks more has happened. esp when it hasn't.

Can someone just tell me that it gets easier!?!?

If people have noticed at work, then you really have to rein it in. It is so easy to take it further if you are not careful. You agreed to not take if further yet today you admit to flirting again.