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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ending an emotional affair

45 replies

grizzlegrumps · 25/03/2015 08:47

Found myself in a ridiculous situation with a married work colleague which has seen casual flirting suddenly get out of control.

Both married with small children, both having difficulties and have enjoyed the relative escapism of just talking and flirting. Nothing physical has happened, but certainly crossed the line in terms of chat.

Neither of us wants 'an affair' and following a pretty in depth chat on the phone last night, decided that it all ends now before anyone gets hurt. Agreed to focus efforts on fixing problems at home.

I feel relieved and am only sharing really to know if anyone else has been here. I started counselling a few weeks ago to try and understand why I'd got in to this situation. And feel that at some stage, I need to bring my husband in to this counselling to help sort out our issues as a couple. I understand that the EA is just an outcome of me feeling crap but the counselling is making me analyse the complete dynamic of my relationship and what makes me feel crap.

sorry, bit rambly but feel the need to post. I've name changed btw

OP posts:

Original poster

grizzlegrumps · 27/03/2015 19:09

I think that a colleague whom I'd confided in might've told him tbh. But I suspect she told him from the perspective of "I'm worried that OM is unhappy in his marriage and I know grizzlegrumps has feelings too". OM is second in command at our company and boss won't want him making a dick of himself.

Bit still, it's more than enough to know that things have to stop. Was just a slip today as no one 'important' was around to check up, if that makes sense?

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winkywinkola · 27/03/2015 19:37

This is going to bite you on the bum. Either you shape up and stop acting like some drippy teenager but who is actually betraying her husband or just leave your husband and just go for it.

Belt up either way. It just sounds really lame now.

winkywinkola · 27/03/2015 19:37

This is going to bite you on the bum. Either you shape up and stop acting like some drippy teenager but who is actually betraying her husband or just leave your husband and just go for it.

Belt up either way. It just sounds really lame now.

winkywinkola · 27/03/2015 19:37

Sooty. Posted twice.

SandysMam · 27/03/2015 20:48

Give yourself a break, you fancy another bloke, u flirt but I don't take it any further. You've not murdered anyone. Enjoy the attention, channel it into making you look fabulous and then go home each night and give your hubby a good session while thinking about the other bloke! Life is too short too constantly beat yourself up

SandysMam · 27/03/2015 20:49

Meant YOU don't take it any further...

winkywinkola · 27/03/2015 21:45

Because her husband would feel really great about it all, wouldn't he?

If you can't even stop flirting op, then I reckon this thing will progress into something more.

Original poster

grizzlegrumps · 27/03/2015 22:24

Just home from a bloody lovely date night with DH. He's who I want. I like the 'belt up' comments, it's what I need.

I'm being a fckn dick and have needed a reminder of what I have at home. DH is awesome. First date night in months (since this all started), so helpful to realise what I could lose.

I'm off to Bedfordshire...

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Fuckup · 28/03/2015 08:20

Hi don't know if you are still about but just wanted to share that a very similar thing happened to me 2 years ago, so your definitely not alone. Im very happy with dp, but like all couples we have boring problems about chores, not being able to socialize together due to childcare, family ups and downs, money etc. In OM I saw excitement, the attention he gave me a confidence boost, and put some spark into my life. Like you I stopped before anyone got hurt, or it became physical.I'm not going to lie and say I don't still think about it, what might have been and all that, but I mostly know I made the right choice. I would hate to hurt my dp, and disrupt my family.

I did tell dp because I can't lie and have a guilty conscious, he would gave probably found out anyway as we have mutual friends who may have asked why I wasn't close to OM anymore. Dp was a bit upset not as much as I would have been if it was reversed but appreciated the honesty and that nothing physical happened.

Interestingly my dad had lots of affairs and going and coming back when I was young, not sure what impact that had but its interesting to note the similarity with your situation. I'm not entirely happy, despite my dp being wonderful, and my best friend, and always s supporting me and everything. I think its because when I see myself through DPs eyes I see all my faults, all the crap that you learn about someone over the years. OM was flirty and saw me as attractive,interesting, intelligent. I guess that's me being completely attention seeking, but I'm sure that's what I was craving in OM. I haven't quite grown out of that yet, and being a mum can make you feel a bit frumpy and boring.

I hope your happy with your choice, and have lots o happy years ahead with your dp!

fairylightsbackintheloft · 28/03/2015 09:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

grizzlegrumps · 28/03/2015 12:29

Really helpful advice, really appreciate it. Was half expecting a torrent of "sort yourself out you selfish bitch"

I'm still surprised/aghast that I'm in this situation. I've always detested anyone that has an affair, yet I'm in a situation that could've easily become that. Really darks me out to think I could be one of 'those' people. And to allow my children to potentially feel that they weren't enough for me (as I do about my own dad).

Sorry to keep on blurting this all out, just helps keep my mind on what I want and strengthen resolve to fully stop the EA.

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AnyFucker · 28/03/2015 12:46

If you allow yourself to continue flirting with this man, despite everything you had already said on this thread, just because there wasn't anyone around to witness it then it is only a matter of time before it goes further

be aware now that you and him are the subject of office gossip and if you do not desist immediately it won't be too long before you may no longer have the choice to "choose your awesome dh "

Original poster

grizzlegrumps · 28/03/2015 12:57

AF - I know. And whilst I genuinely know that nothing would happen, it's more the thought that others would assume that more has gone on that makes me feel sick.

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Letmejustsaythis · 28/03/2015 13:04

I'm not sure you are as determined to stay apart as you say you are but I hope you do.

Can I also say there is nothing worse for your colleagues than a brewing affair in the workplace. It is always obvious even though you might think you are being discreet. And if you are both married, people will really not approve and it will affect your working relationships.

AnyFucker · 28/03/2015 13:36

and they are making those assumptions based on your and his behaviour

which you are still indulging yourself with

if the gossip got back to your dh (and there are some people who might think he needs to know, you have no control over that), how do you think he will feel ?

AuntieStella · 28/03/2015 14:04

Long chats about not wanting an affair are a tried, tested and very popular route to an affair.

Well done for spotting that you are vulnerable.

What you need to do now is capitalise on your current resolve.

As you cannot go fully NC, then perhaps change your circumstances so you can. Which means job hunting for a new pst, or if in a larger organisation, seeking a transfer.

Until you can do that, you must never be alone with him. And talk strictly about work if you must speak directly to him.

Original poster

grizzlegrumps · 28/03/2015 14:34

DH would be furious and very hurt, understandably.

I absolutely love my job and the people I work with. I don't want to leave. There's a matter of weeks left on the job we've been working on together and then contact will be infrequent. And even over the coming weeks, there's no reason for there to be any alone time. I can and should be fine.

The bit that I'm most pissed off about is that I don't really fancy him that much. I've just enjoyed the attention. And so any fallout would completely not be worth it.

I'm a bloody mug.

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AnyFucker · 28/03/2015 15:42

currently, I have to agree with that

quite a lot of marriages have been laid to waste for such

winkywinkola · 30/03/2015 19:36

How was it today grizzle?

Original poster

grizzlegrumps · 30/03/2015 20:11

Good thanks winky. All very normal and civilised.

Briefly spoke to colleague who I'd confided in a while ago (who I suspect spoke to boss) about my worries that people were talking, but she assured me they're not and she thinks boss was just being a bit left-field with comment. Feeling much better about everything tbh: pretty sure she'd have said "yeah, you've been a bit flirty" so now it feels easier to move on without any worries.

Won't pretend I didn't have a few moments where I wanted to go and chat. But felt good leaving tonight knowing that I hadn't done anything.

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