How long did you stick living in same house after filing for divorce.

[1Cheesedoff]

How much more can I take.. Ignores me on a permant basis. Will not even open letters from solicitors leave alone sign them. I have refused now to do any cooking or washing for him. How did you manage to keep your sanity while living in the same house. I think I may be losing my sanity.

Well had a very good offer on the house after just 6 days on the market. So its sold subject to contracts.

Nice one Granville your new life can start soon!
It's the first big step.

Big wobbles though again today, thought I was mainly past this now.

Hey Granville, don't wobble now! Have courage!
Great that you have an offer so quickly, hope it all proceeds well.

Hard to have courage when everything seems to be against you. Being put out of business because of this and now Landlords will even consider me for renting because of my profession.

Can I join, I am in a similar situation. After a few weeks of discussions my hubby told me it was over a week ago. Devastated doesn't come close! I am still hopeful as he is still here. However I think he wants the decision made for him so I wonder how long we will live like this for. I realised yesterday that he had taken his ring off for work but it was back on today but the same has happened again today.

Jeez this is getting painful. What part of 'buy your own stuff' do men just not compute.

No, you cant use my milk
No, you cant help yourself to my bread
And No, fecking well buy your own laundry stuff, I'm not forking out for your skid ridden pants.
And stop hanging round our son at meal times so you can nick food off his plate.

Has anybody in this sort of situation been sleeping separately for years (like 4) but still managed to keep going as a family (outings etc) in the same house, not wanting to be in the relationship except for staying for the children? Does this ever work for the duration of their childhood?

At what point did you decide that enough was enough?

I've been sleeping in another room for just over 12 months. ex has awful snoring and constantly fidgets all night, I'm a light sleeper so it is not a good mix.

Of course though, it's me that has the issue as I cant sleep through it. He doesn't have a problem with snoring.

I haven't wanted to be in the relationship really for quite some time now. Trying to stay together for the kids if you can make it work is OK, but if you're doing it for the duration of their childhood then that is an awful lot of years wasted being in an unhappy relationship when you could be living separately and everyone being happier.

I made the break years ago with no regrets despite the tough times but I've got a sister and friend both sticking it out for the sake of the the children despite very stressy households. I'm not sure that's good for anyone? I think life is too precious to spend we with the wrong person and it's desperately sad seeing it happen to your sister but she doesn't think she can get out. Sorry to diverge.

I spent several years going through the motions of "family" but it got too hard. I paid for him to come on holiday with us a few times but he moaned all of the time and wasn't grateful and didn't help out. I paid for hundreds of family dinners - in the end I gave up as he would sit there with a face like a slapped arse and didn't try. Now I just take DD, ditto holidays/theatre/meals - act as the single parent I am but with DP still lingering about the house like a bad smell.

Hello Cheese

Lived in same house, but did everything separetly

Did own food shopping. laundry, chores

Spent no time in same room together

Minimal communication

alot of time spent out of the house at work or doing hobbies, visiting friends & family

Relieved when we agreed on a clean break

Never looked back, moved onwards to a much better life

My only regret is that we should have agreed on a split earlier

How's it going Cheesedoff and Granville?

How is it going everyone - are you still sticking it out?
I finally had the talk last week where I said i will be leaving. And meant it. But plans to stay with a friend seem to have fallen through, and I am now faced with having to move to not very nice rented and sink £10k for a year's rental. H has said he will 'take his time' over any settlement - he will stay in family home with DS.

But strangely, having had the talk, I am feeling much more positive and stronger and intensively looking into possible options. The family home is quite large and I've been in spare room for 5 months already. Me and H have always been able to get on reasonably well on practical matters, running a home, looking after DS. What has been unbearable is trying to pretend that our relationship is OK, the hovering, the long faces over dinner, the never being able to say what I feel or think, trying to avoid arguments, the inquisition into every action and reaction - the inauthentic life and spirit. So very stressful.

So I was thinking - to avoid throwing away ££ on rental (££ which could be much better spent on buying a new home) and having very awkward child contact arrangements for at least a year while in rental - would it be possible to 'live separately under same roof' and negotiate some arrangement like this:

• i stay in family home and buy a few little things for the spare room (like music player and kettle) to make it more livable and more 'my space'
• we agree childcare arrangements like 3 / 4 days pw each, on 'our' days we would each take full responsibility for any childcare necessary - and on the other days we would be free to do our own thing. All including any family events, school things, working hours etc to be agreed a week or two in advance.
• meals and housework - seems so contrived to eat separately if we are both in at the same time... maybe agree one or two family dinners a week
• H would have to agree that he does not need to know what I am doing on my 'off' days (same as if I was living somewhere else) - and this would be very very hard for him - it's been a huge issue that he needs to know in minute detail what I am doing all the time and kind of 'approve' it.
• maybe even agree alternate weekends so that we can get a break from home life.

What do you think? - is this doable or would it quickly become as unbearable as the current thing where we stagger along from day to day?

5 horrible months, with him agreeing to move into rented accommodation but not actually doing so. He was abusive every day of it. I forced him out by saying that I would move out with the children and tell them that we were in a rented place because Dad insisted on staying in the 4 bed house (we weren't married though). He was using dating sites and bringing women into the house when we were at school/work. I never shed one single tear when he moved out or since, except for over the children and how appallingly he has treated them. I was also in danger of losing my sanity. I'm not any more though. Good luck to you and others going through this. It will be worth it in the end.

Damnstatistics So pleased to hear from you. I am on meltdown at moment. Couldn't even make work today. feel I am on slippery slope this week (god how easy it is to slip into depression when your treated like this)..for me I think I go way down one week out of every month... for the rest I am as strong as an ox. I have my plan...I have a weekend away with family in June and once that is over I will find house to rent and be gone.. The last conversation was him having a pity party saying " all I ever worked for and all I ever wanted" with tears in his eyes (this was when he realised that we will have to sell the house, his house of course). I love the "what exactly have you paid for in this house" this is because he only sees that he went out to work while I stayed at home for 8 years and brought up our two children, I have been back in work for 10 years though. He thinks because he wont sign the papers that I cant do anything. Damnstatistics I hope your arrangement can work out for you.. it is worth a try but I feel like that rent is such a waste but on the other hand peace of mind is a big thing and at the moment I could live in a wigwam rather than him pass me in the house like I don't exist Bas...D!!!!
Kittybiscuits: You are well rid you should be so proud of yourself. Mine agrees to move out but when I question hi on the steps he is taking he gets up and walks away from the conversation. Frustrating or what!!!!!

Cheesedoff in meltdown - not good! It is incredibly hard.
H made it very clear today that he won't go along with any plans for living together unless they are geared towards reconciliation for at least a year. He's got to the 'angry' stage in the emotional trajectory - oh great. Does he think holding non-cooperation over me is going to make me stay? In fact he can keep on saying that, because it only makes me more determined to make the move.
I am worried about access to DS. I will need to rent a 2 bed (expensive) - like the wigwam idea!
I am frantically trying to find a place to rent but not sure what I will live on. So also applying for jobs at the same time. And I may have to talk to the Uni about deferring the last section of my course. In a couple of weeks I need to have plans in place. So right now I am pursuing about 10 different ideas.
I saw the doctor today about stress and she said that often being highly stressed over a long period can eventually slide into depression when your brain can't keep up the levels of serotonin.
So good luck with the plans for June, I may be moving - I hope - around then too.

I left and continued to pay the mortgage while also paying rent on my own place (no DC which made it a lot easier). I lost out to the tune of £000s when the house was sold, etc., but I actually consider it a price well worth paying for the sake of my sanity. Had I stayed it would have been unbearable.

However, I was younger, child-free, in a good job and secure in the knowledge that the rest of my life was ahead of me and nothing could stand in my way of making a success of it.

Having also left a later relationship with DC in tow and leaving the family home with no claim on it, it was significantly harder and swallowing the financial loss was not as easy. However, again I felt the psychological cost of 'fighting' was not worth the spoils, and although I again lost out, I've put it behind me and moved on.

It comes down to how much you really need what you might lose and the emotional/practical sacrifices made by fighting compared to the financial sacrifice made by walking away. Also bear in mind that there will be a financial loss inherent in fighting now that legal aid for family law is so restricted.

Sorry you're going through this and hope it works out.