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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How long did you stick living in same house after filing for divorce.

69 replies

1Cheesedoff · 23/03/2015 20:25

How much more can I take.. Ignores me on a permant basis. Will not even open letters from solicitors leave alone sign them. I have refused now to do any cooking or washing for him. How did you manage to keep your sanity while living in the same house. I think I may be losing my sanity.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 25/03/2015 14:44

6 months for me.
He refused to leave our bedroom so I got the single spare room.
I went to the gym most nights and went to friends or family at the weekends.
It was horrible but like others have said, thank goodness for friends and family.
But.... 5 years later we are divorced and financials are sorted.
I can finally be FREEEEEEEE...!!!

Anniegetyourgun · 25/03/2015 14:56

Two. Fucking. Years. You wonder why I seem a little eccentric, a little bitter at times? Why my memory, concentration, willpower are kind of shot? I'm actually functioning, more or less, on and off, which is pretty damned impressive. XH wasn't as bad as some of the bastards we hear about - a sort of abuser lite, as it were - but in the end it doesn't half get to you.

HenriettaBarnet · 25/03/2015 15:52

I did it for about 2 months - it was so horrendous. H veered from being really nice to me (and acting as though nothing was wrong) to being an absolute bastard. In the end he got really really verbally abusive with me and daughter and I recorded him. I said I would seek an occupation order and he agreed to move out.

He's gone now, but has made the point several times that it is temporary. Now he's dragging his heels about every element of the divorce and trying to control me about money (which unfortunately I need off him to pay for things - I so wish I could have a clean break).

I'm so sorry for some of you ladies- I can't imagine how awful it must be for it to go on for years.

Original poster
1Cheesedoff · 26/03/2015 06:31

fingeronthebutton What was the consequences of leaving the house?

OP posts:
warriorwoman74 · 26/03/2015 08:09

I am about to do this, but I am going to leave as I can't bear to live in the same house as him and be separated. He will make it utter torture for me. He works from home so I can't escape him!

warriorwoman74 · 26/03/2015 08:12

At this moment I don't give a shit about losing any money from the house, I really don't. I don't want anything from him and I just would rather support myself, somehow!! Maybe I am being naive and that plan will bite me in the arse.

fourteen · 26/03/2015 08:37

I left the house. I didn't give a shit. Better to be away from him and his sick mind games.

I rented somewhere new and supported myself. I'm glad I wasn't reliant on him for anything.

Weasel113 · 26/03/2015 08:58

7 months in the same house. Worst time of my life. I will never forgive her for what she did to the kids.

Happily remarried and its 10 years next week. Her? She is unmarried, can't keep a boyfriend, is depressed and is now the size of a small horse.

Karma eh?

indigogreen · 26/03/2015 10:41

Ok, all your messages are giving a VERY strong steer to avoid staying in same house if at all possible, for the sake of our mental health and wellbeing.
Would a bedsit or lodging with a friend be better? or have it's own problems?
I will ask solicitor about possible consequences of leaving before financial settlement.

thenextday · 26/03/2015 10:53

Four months.
Awful.

Goodbetterbest · 26/03/2015 10:58

I think the general advice is to stay put because you can leave yourself quite vulnerable otherwise. I can only speak for myself, but knowing I was making progress helped every step of the way.

The statistic that two-thirds of pensioners living in poverty are divorced women struck me. A few months of sitting tight will hopefully mean a more comfortable rest of my life. Make sure you explore all financial options, including (and very importantly) pension sharing if he has one (obviously this works both ways!)

Do please explore all options before going, if he is abusive it may well be worth speaking to the police about a non-molestation order. But don't go anywhere until you have taken legal advice, no matter how tempting it is.

Goodbetterbest · 26/03/2015 11:05

Mind you, he's just had a go at me for not buttering his toast. Cock.

Roll on Monday...GrinGrinGrin

HenriettaBarnet · 26/03/2015 13:05

I think it's very difficult to get an occupation order if there's been no physical violence. But there are cases of occupation orders given for verbal abuse. I used this as a way of getting my H out - he's too arrogant to get legal advice so he believed me (and I had recorded him being abusive to me and my children and then he threw a chair at me which broke so I cited that as evidence of his abuse).

I think if H hadn't moved out, I would have taken the children and rented somewhere else. I'm not sure how that could have counted against me. I wouldn't have left the children with him though.

Anyway, the crap doesn't finish just because they're gone sadly, but it is easier.

fourteen · 26/03/2015 13:15

It depends how much you want to hang onto the house.

I didn't care where I lived and we rented anyway, so there was no benefit really in staying.

Original poster
1Cheesedoff · 26/03/2015 19:14

Can you adam and eve it. He has detached himself for over a year. Since receiving a solicitors letter and me telling him I will not cook, wash or iron any more....dinner waiting for me when I get in from working tonight with a post it note saying for you. TOSSER!!!!!!!!!

OP posts:
Granville72 · 27/03/2015 14:41

wankers aren't they.

I told mine no more laundry, no more cooking and you do your own shopping as of today. He wants a single life then he can fecking well get on with it.

conway · 27/03/2015 20:39

6 long months so far. I am in the spare room. Sunday's are my worse day as we try to pretend everything is ok for the boys and even eat roast dinner together ( that he cooks) .I will never want to eat a roast dinner again!
Seeing my counsellor again and back on anti-depressants which has defintely helped. I feel that my friends are too busy with their happy families to do much with me. I also suffer from guilt at leaving my boys if I do arrange to go out.
Finding this thread very useful. We just have to remember it is not for ever!

Original poster
1Cheesedoff · 28/03/2015 06:58

Hi Conway are you staying till after divorce. I don't think I can cope with that. You are so right we definitely are not going to be here forever. Mine will probably stay in bed till midday, get up watch wall to wall to rugby on television then go to pub. I pretend he is a lodger in my mind.. I feel so much better since refusing to wash, iron or cook for him....I am not a unpaid skivvy. I did the Sunday roast sitting opposite him but I cooked it. he would get up to do dishes and my mother would say "you've got a good one there", (she knows different now). No pretence I show children exactly what is going on. My even asked why don't you leave him mam?

OP posts:
knotswapper · 28/03/2015 07:00

I've been trapped in the same house for 7 years. Every morning I wake up and hope he's died in the night.

indigogreen · 28/03/2015 09:12

Oh Knotswapper, is there no way you can get out?
The solicitors advice was to stay put while going through divorce (which he recommends above separation). In my situation - long marriage, small mortgage, 1 DC, I'm wanting to move out, H likely to be reasonable in the long run - if I moved out at this stage, he would have no motivation to proceed with the divorce and could drag his heels all he likes.
I'd also be running down my fairly small savings

Original poster
1Cheesedoff · 28/03/2015 15:59

Hi knotswapper Why are you still there. Do you speak? How are you coping? it sounds horrendous (flowers).

OP posts:
knotswapper · 28/03/2015 22:13

Thanks for the kind words. It's a difficult visa situation. I'm hoping to get out this year Smile

He doesn't get home until 9pm most nights and I spend all weekend doing things with DD, so I avoid him as much as possible.

He's put me through hell but I have the satisfaction of knowing DD and I will be fine, while he will have lost everything. Losing his power over me will destroy him.

Joy69 · 28/03/2015 22:43

Ive been living in the sand situation for over 1 year now. Can't see a way out as he won't leave the house, won't sell & has got himself into debt! He has taken himself off on holiday this week with the lads adding to his debt! Probably won't think to take the kids tho.
He is very clever at turning the situation around so he is the victim.
Im fed up with well meaning happily married friends telling me what I should do. I know just not that easy, as you all know!

Granville72 · 29/03/2015 14:03

I hope our house sells quickly and I can get on with a new life, just me and my boy.

I told him in the week that as of Friday, he had to do all his own washing, shopping and cooking and ideally I'd prefer it if he could stay somewhere else until the house is sold.

So queue this morning, he's still not done any shopping. Helps himself to laundry stuff, my milk, bread etc. to make a bacon sandwich.

I again told him I no longer buy shopping jointly, we're over and he's single so to get on with it, and again, could he stay at a friends.

The reply -
So I've got to buy my own milk and bread now, that's being petty and you're deliberately making an atmosphere. And no I wont move out, it's not for you to make that request or decision.

So fecking glad I never married the arrogant twat.

knotswapper · 30/03/2015 03:33

My ex does the same - he waits until I go to bed them helps himself to all of my food. Last time I challenged him on it he threw it in my face (literally). He refuses to pay towards the household bills too. There's a special place in hell for him, truly Angry