I don't think I can cope with his drinking anymore...

[BeautifulLiar]

My DH is fantastic. We have only been married for 3 months; together 5 years. He's funny, kind, caring, loyal, a good listener, works hard, does his fair share with the kids, supports my hobbies, isn't controlling or jealous or anything. The kids love him.

Until he binge drinks, and has a personality transplant. I can't cope anymore.

He goes out with friends (a lot less now than he used to - sometimes not for weeks on end), and without fail, every single time, comes back ridiculously drunk. If I disturb him or annoy him he is aggressive, nasty, offensive, and has been violent. He's taken drugs while drunk, shouted at the kids, pissed the bed, vomited everywhere, the list is endless.

The day after will be a write off as he's so hungover.

At Christmas he went out for his work do, got extremely pissed, came home and did something pretty bad. I threw him out to his parent's house, but ended up taking him back. It was christmas, he was crying (he never cries), the kids wanted him, he made all these promises. I actually believed he would change, his family believed he would change. He set himself a 3 pint limit - I said I didn't want to be in a relationship with limits and rules, but he insisted.

Then he went out on Saturday night and got more drunk than he has in a long time. What the fuck? After all those promises. We had plans with the DC the next day, too. He didn't give a shit. He stunk of booze the whole of the next day.

I can't keep doing this. But he's so amazing when he doesn't drink. Someone please help?

Just so I don't drip feed: I used to be vey insecure, and as a result quite controlling. I got pregnant very quickly into our relationship and often treated him like a child - telling him what to do etc - which he obviously hated and would retaliate and drink even more! However I had counselling for this, and have completely changed my life over the past year. I have no problem with him going out, seeing friends, having a good time etc - it's just the alcohol issue.

You can't force him to stop I'm afraid.

Ask Al Anon for some advice.

If he comes home and is aggressive again, call the police?

Thanks, I've emailed them. I know I need to leave him, but I don't want to. I just want him to stop doing this, and like you say, I can't force him.

Thanks for replying.

I doubt very much that he will stop. You will just get so that you dread the next time more and more until it takes over your whole relationship.

I had this with someone I loved. I left in the end. Broke my heart but if I hadn't have left it would have eventually broken me completely.

i just want him to stop doing this

Poor you. You know he won't, however much you want him to.

All you can control is whether you have him in your life or not.

It's only three months since he swore never to do this again. Booze means more to him than his family.

Don't let our children grow up knowing they cone second to drink.

I know this isn't solving the drinking issue, and it's far from ideal, but would he agree to stay at a friend's overnight instead of coming home drunk? Let him piss someone elses bed and puke in someone elses house; see if that shames him into action. And to agree not to go out drinking when the family has plans the next day?

The 3cs re alcoholism are ones you would do well to remember:-

You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

You have likely played out all the usual roles a spouse does when her H is an alcoholic; those of both co-dependent and enabler. Provoker as well, because you never forget. Who cleared up after his mess; I sincerely hope it was not you.

Why don't you want to leave him?. What is keeping you within this, what are you getting out of this now?.

What do you think your children are learning from you both about relationships here?. They will not thank you for staying with their drunkard father if you were to choose to and will not thank you either for doing so. They in the long run could end up with a whole host of emotional problems pertaining to their dad's alcoholism and your consistent enabling of him thus putting him before your children. Is this what you want for them?. What you are showing them currently is that this is on some level still acceptable to you. They are like sponges; they hear and see far more than you care to realise as well. You state as well that your children love him, well children will love any parent no matter how rubbish they are really. No mention there about you actually loving him now.

Why did you marry him?. Unfortunately love is often not enough and alcohol is a cruel mistress. You cannot ultimately save someone who does not want to be saved.

Basically put, his primary relationship is with drink. Its not with you and its not with your children. He can hold down a job (currently at least, that may not last) and perhaps appear normal but he is more likely than not thinking about where the next drink is going to come from.

Alcoholics tell great fibs to both themselves and their unfortunate non alcoholic partner. He has said and done all the usual things alcoholics do including the tears, the fake bargaining and their overwhelming denial. Denial is a powerful force. Its all bullshit and you only hear what you want to hear. You so desperately want to believe that he will change. But he will not do so and will not do so because you've asked him to.

HE is the only one who can change his behaviour, what you say ultimately makes no difference if he does not want to change and address properly the root causes of his alcoholism. Any coercion on anyone else's part to make him stop drinking are all attempts doomed to failure.

If you really cannot put up with this any longer then I would suggest you get legal advice and start divorce proceedings. Am so sorry to write that but he will only drag you and your children down with him now.

You didn't cause it, you cannot control it, you cannot cure it.

If HE wants to change, he can go to his GP and ask for a referral to a rehab centre. (The free ones take months to get a placement in though.)

Alcohol destroys so many lives.

YOU can contact www.al-anonuk.org.uk/ and they will support, guide and help you.

It's normal when you have a new baby to have to give your partner instructions. You're the one BF and spending all the time with the baby so you get to know the ropes quickly and thus instruct your partner.

Only a very immature, insecure man would have an issue with that. So don't you take the blame for his drinking after the baby. It's more likely that he found being a father difficult to handle and turned to booze.

You can't help him but you can save yourself and your children.

Sorry I haven't replied. I feel so, so down. I just know he won't change. We talked for hours last night (well, mostly me!) but I still feel rubbish.

Sometimes I think... Why can't I just let him get on with it? He doesn't go out that often anymore, and sometimes when I've been drunk I've said something nasty, or got myself into silly situations. But he just goes too fucking far each time. It's breaking my heart.

Will try to answer your qs Atilla. What do I get out of this relationship? He works hard, and is generous with his money. He is great with the kids - they love him. I love him. He's like a best friend. I still have butterflies when he comes home from work. I can talk to him about anything... Something funny I saw today or how much a friend has upset me. He's funny, always makes me laugh. He does his fair share with the kids and house. He's loving and loyal. Honestly, pretty much everything about him is brilliant until he drinks too much. He canNOT just go out and have a couple.

We got married because we'd talked about it, but decided we couldn't afford it. Then I had a dream we got married on a tiny budget and it was amazing, so we got married 5 weeks after that dream and it was amazing. We can't divorce until we've been married for a year...

I don't think he's an alcoholic as such, I do think he's dependant on It though. Ie he can not go out with his mates for months, then one of them will invite him out (he very very rarely organises nights out) and he'll go and get stupidly drunk.

God, I don't know what to do. I'm so angry at him for effectively choosing that over us.

He kept saying last night "I just want you to be happy. And I'm scared that I'll go out again and fuck it all up." I just thought what the fuck?! YOU'RE THE ONE IN CONTROL OF THIS!

Livid - he has agreed to not go out if we have plans the next day, which is something I suppose.

I'm going out on Friday and will be pretty ill on Saturday I expect but we don't really have plans as such - one child at a party; washing clothes ready for our holiday. If we had had major plans, I wouldn't be going. He is always fine about it when I drink/have a hangover btw - he picks up the slack with the kids, lets me sleep, brings me drinks etc. Never questions how much I had or anything.

Your last post is a bit double standards OP "I'm going out on Friday and will be pretty ill on Saturday...."

Surely doing that isn't really helping your cause

Because I don't lay in, I'm not mean to him, I remember everything, I don't write off the next day, I've never the bed or thrown up in the bed or taken coke. So I don't think it's quite the same. This is what confuses me, is it really a problem? Or not? Yes he goes out and gets bladdered - but not that often. And yes he can be horrible - but only if I "provoke" him. I just don't know anymore!

I agree with Fudgeface. You both get drunk to the state of hangovers and being ill the next day. So you want him to stop, but not yourself.

Maybe you should ask him to stay at a mates house, the rare times it seems he does it.

*wet the bed

And I meant to say I have been mean to him when drunk before, I am not perfect.

He won't stay at someone else's house. I used to practically beg him to do that, but he won't.

He kept saying last night "I just want you to be happy. And I'm scared that I'll go out again and fuck it all up."

Yes, this is very telling. It's all very well him sitting there and saying "Oh I'm scared", but what is he ACTUALLY doing to take control of his drinking?

I am sure he is in denial about being an alcoholic on the grounds that he only drinks occasionally, not every day. But he can't control his drinking when he does drink, he's out of control and powerless over alcohol - this is pretty much the definition of alcoholism!

Do you think he would consider AA, or seeing an addiction counsellor? If not, I have to say I think the relationship is probably doomed.

I so know what your going though hun. :-(

OP, doing his share with the kids and in the house, being willing to share money he has earned and being open to having conversations with your partner do not make anyone a 'brilliant' anything. That is bare minimum stuff in a healthy relationship. So he doesn't deserve any medals for any of that.

His behaviour when he's drunk sounds scary and upsetting. Its not just having one too many and having a sore head the next day - you said he has been violent and agressive. You deserve much better than that.

As others have said, he won't change just because you would like him to. People can change but only on their terms and only when they are ready. He sounds deep in denial.

Why don't you both try to cut down together, have you tried mentioned it from this angle?

I know I need to leave him, but I don't want to. I just want him to stop doing this, and like you say, I can't force him.

It may be that you leaving him is what it takes for him to stop drinking. It may not. But it's the only card left to play.

He made promises to change. He broke them. Even now he's only offering not to go and get shitfaced when you have plans the next day. Not to stop completely, which presumably is what he offered when you agreed to take him back after whatever it was that happened at Christmas?

By your actions, you're showing him that you don't take this seriously. He doesn't take it seriously either. So the question is whether you actually are serious about this - and the fact that you're planning to drink to excess yourself this week does indeed not suggest you are very serious. Let me say to you what you said about him: YOU'RE THE ONE IN CONTROL OF THIS!

But what you're not in control of is his decision to drink to excess. Only how you respond to that.

A situation where both the adults have sufficient alcohol to make them 'pretty ill' the next day is one I cannot conceive of.

What happened to being grown ups? Are you very young? Because this level of drinking is completely unnecessary.

And clearly his is off the scale unnecessary

I understand about loving an alcoholic. You can still love your alcoholic (yes, he is one because he cannot stop) but I would never recommend staying living with one, because they will systematically destroy you and your children.

And hell yes, this is a problem. You cannot 'provoke' someone into being violent, agressive or offensive - that is a choice they make.

Your boundaries with regard to what you consider reasonable behaviour in a relationship are way too low. That's not a criticism, I've been there myself, but it does mean that you are questioning whether you even have a right to expect to be treated decently.

I would highly recommend counselling for you alone - not together. It doesn't sound like he is anywhere near ready to face up to what is going on, but you would benefit from having a professional person help you figure out your feelings about this situation.

Pocket - he 100% won't go and see anyone about this. He said as much last night.

Lw - you have my sympathies :(

Lotta - really? Well, I have to admit I never saw it like that. My own parents were abusive, my first child's father abandoned us when I was pregnant, my partner before DH was violent and controlling. So I do have a very skewed version of normal.

Fudge - I don't know really. I also find it very hard to stop drinking once I start. But mine isn't impacting on our marriage - it doesn't bother him in the slightest. And besides, it's not very often I do this. It's my newly divorced friend's party, I want to celebrate with her.

You can celebrate without getting pissed.

Yes, we're 25 and 24. It's not that often we are "ill". I never used to be, he often was, now we're about 50/50, but its not a regular thing.
I have had a lot of counselling. I text a private counsellor today (not that we can afford it!) but she's not free the only day I am.

I feel like I'm just living in dread until he goes out and lets me down again.