I don't think I can cope with his drinking anymore...

[BeautifulLiar]

My DH is fantastic. We have only been married for 3 months; together 5 years. He's funny, kind, caring, loyal, a good listener, works hard, does his fair share with the kids, supports my hobbies, isn't controlling or jealous or anything. The kids love him.

Until he binge drinks, and has a personality transplant. I can't cope anymore.

He goes out with friends (a lot less now than he used to - sometimes not for weeks on end), and without fail, every single time, comes back ridiculously drunk. If I disturb him or annoy him he is aggressive, nasty, offensive, and has been violent. He's taken drugs while drunk, shouted at the kids, pissed the bed, vomited everywhere, the list is endless.

The day after will be a write off as he's so hungover.

At Christmas he went out for his work do, got extremely pissed, came home and did something pretty bad. I threw him out to his parent's house, but ended up taking him back. It was christmas, he was crying (he never cries), the kids wanted him, he made all these promises. I actually believed he would change, his family believed he would change. He set himself a 3 pint limit - I said I didn't want to be in a relationship with limits and rules, but he insisted.

Then he went out on Saturday night and got more drunk than he has in a long time. What the fuck? After all those promises. We had plans with the DC the next day, too. He didn't give a shit. He stunk of booze the whole of the next day.

I can't keep doing this. But he's so amazing when he doesn't drink. Someone please help?

Just so I don't drip feed: I used to be vey insecure, and as a result quite controlling. I got pregnant very quickly into our relationship and often treated him like a child - telling him what to do etc - which he obviously hated and would retaliate and drink even more! However I had counselling for this, and have completely changed my life over the past year. I have no problem with him going out, seeing friends, having a good time etc - it's just the alcohol issue.

I'm sorry OP, I think you are asking something of him, when you won't do the same. I think if I were him I'd be a bit pissed off with your demands on him, when you are a just slightly more moderate version.

So he refuses to accept he has a problem, or that he is a problem. That's your line in the sand. He is not prepared to work to fix this.

I agree with Lotta, some counselling for yourself would be very beneficial. You are repeating patterns you've seen before - you took him back on what sounds like a pretty flimsy pretext at Christmas.

Your binge drinking is less severe than his, it's true, but it's obviously very ingrained (as it is in many people). You can't celebrate with your friend without getting hammered? I'm sure you could if you were pregnant right now. So what's the difference?

Psipsina - I like letting go of worries, and being more sociable etc, and that's why I get pissed. I think he's the same.

My husband was a problem drinker just like yours. There is hope ... 14 years ago he stopped - of his own accord - because he "came to his senses". We had three children under three and I was wondering how I was going to cope on my own. I think the penny dropped when I told him and his parents that I wasn't bringing my kids up in an unsafe environment - and I kicked him out.

ThroughThick - maybe that's true but he's never voiced any issue with my drinking. Maybe because I come back horny as hell! Sorry, I know that's TMI.

Tribpot - well that's a good point, and yes Id be tee total if I was pregnant. Although Ive never been in that situation, as when I was pregnant I had terrible social anxiety and never went anywhere anyway. I suppose I'd... Go, but leave early. And be thankful I had the baby as an excuse for not drinking.

Thanks, dippy. Where did he go? What did you do re housing etc? I'm so worried about the practicalities of leaving.

'My own parents were abusive, my first child's father abandoned us when I was pregnant, my partner before DH was violent and controlling.'

Not at all surprised to hear this. Again, not a criticism, my own parents are abusive and I had a violent relationship in my early 20s so I have loads of sympathy. But you're right - the model of relationships that you have is extremely unhealthy. Having a healthy approach to relationships is a skill that needs to be learned - some people are lucky enough to learn it from their parents, others like us have to learn it as adults.

I would very gently suggest that you are making excuses about your own drinking as well. I know its not on the scale of his, but having difficulty stopping when you start is a worrying sign (been there myself).

I cannot recommend professional support enough. Psychotherapy has been the way forward for me. Be prepared though - it takes time. The damaging lessons that you have learned can't be undone in 6 or 8 sessions. Google BACP (British Association of Counselling and Psychotherapy), you may find another therapist in your area who has suitable appointments.

He went to his folks for a while - and got a real bollocking I gather. He saw the determination in my eye though. He was leaving - not me! Before that I tried everything - locking him out, screaming at him, turning the hose on him in his new car, crying ... it was an epic battle!

he's never voiced any issue with my drinking But then it's not fair of you. You want him to stop, but because you don't want to yourself, it's great for you that he just lets you get away with it.

Isn't it a bit like being angry with him for driving a car at 100 mph, but doing it yourself quite happily at 90 mph. Neither is right.

I think if you are serious, you need to suggest you do it together, and you need to curb your drinking as well.

"I'm going out on Friday and will be pretty ill on Saturday"
so you are both 'binge drinkers' then?

"What do I get out of this relationship? He works hard, and is generous with his money. He is great with the kids - they love him. I love him. He's like a best friend. I still have butterflies when he comes home from work. I can talk to him about anything... Something funny I saw today or how much a friend has upset me. He's funny, always makes me laugh. He does his fair share with the kids and house. He's loving and loyal. Honestly, pretty much everything about him is brilliant until he drinks too much. He canNOT just go out and have a couple".

All the above will get wiped out by the drink; his primary relationship is with this and you are playing out the usual roles seen in such couples. Your relationship is really no different from theirs. The partner often says as well that the alcoholic is good with the children etc but children will love any parent no matter how crap they are. He's really doing the bare minimum here in relationship terms. Your children will become more aware of his alcoholism in future years. The "off " switch when it comes to alcohol is absent in him.

Unless he himself wants to properly address his alcoholism there is not a thing you can do to help him; besides which you are too close to the situation to be of any real use to him anyway. He does not want your help or support.

You certainly do have a very skewed version of relationships; you were shown an abusive template as a child and have basically learnt and followed on from that. Its therefore of no surprise to me that subsequent relationships have been abusive and this is really the latest abusive relationship you now are in. Its high time therefore that you started unlearning all the crap you have picked up along the way and BACP could well help you as could Al-anon. What Lottapianos suggests re counselling is certainly a suggestion I would second. This is NOT the legacy you want to be leaving your children.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships here and what are you both teaching them now?.

I hope you got out of there.
I'm going through the same thing right now. Many broken promises on his part and way to many ups and downs for me. So ii'm packing and will be out of his life in a few weeks. I have no doubt that my life will be better without him.