Husband had an affair - should I request an STD check or AIBU?

[Vacill]

Was just the one lady - who he met OLD.

he told you she had her clitoris pierced?

go to the drop in GUM clinic, whether he goes or not isn't the issue, you need peace of mind that you haven't caught anything just don't go near him again

I remember in sex ed class being told that when you slept with someone you 'took on' the history of all their ex partners.

Doesn't matter if it was just one person, get yourself checked and, if you're staying with him, make him get checked. It's not vindictive, it's just smart.

Hope you're doing ok

I think that asking him to do this is vindictive and unreasonable

Frankly it sounds as if he's done a thorough head-job on you, and that there are far more issues than just the risk of an STI

Can I ask why you're so convinced it's been "just one" OW?? Presumably if you've read many threads on Relationships you're aware that they admit to the very minimum they can get away with ...

Was also wondering how you know it's 'only one'

It's not vindictive to insist on a sexual health check asap, it makes sense.

Be strong and know that posters here are thinking of you if you want to vent.

I agree with puzzled. He has done a serious headjob on you indeed.
'Just one' WTF!

Highly doubtful it was just one. More likely it's just one you've found out about if he actively sought her via OLD. Sorry if that's harsh, I know, but it is highly likely that this is just the one you've found out about. You sound nervous about requesting he has one, why is that?

It is not vindictive to have a check to make sure your health is ok.

I hope you're ok.

'Just one' OW is enough to end a marriage surely?

He doesn't sound very remorseful about it really. How could you trust him now?

How wonderful of him to describe her genitals to you so that you can envision their affair.

An STI check is the absolute, absolute minimum that you should be demanding.

Please also acknowledge that by trying very hard not to give him a hard time, to be the "cool" forgiving wife and preserve your life how you would like it to be, you may very well show him that he can have all the affairs that he likes and there will be no consequences.

He'd be lucky if he ever got within 8 foot of me again, let alone close enough to infect me with an STI, but if that's the path you'd like to go down than at least protect your health.

I dont know if it was just the one. But it is the only one I know about.

He rushed off immediately to a GUM clinic yesterday near his office when I mentioned it - but I had wanted us to go together. I asked if he would now accompany me - he said why dont you wait for 2 weeks til I get the all clear and then there is no need.

He did not volunteer the clitoral piercing info -- I had asked him a series of Qs trying to profile her - what does she look like? etc etc any tatts? any piercings? was one of the millions of bizarre Qs I asked - I was not thinking genital - I am v inexperienced. But this prompted the STD thought.

Can I ask why the idea of genital piercing made you think about STIs?

HIV lies dormant for 3 months before showing on tests so you need to abstain from all unprotected sex until he has had a second HIV test and for the love of God have your own STI test too! Take back some control of your life.

So your dh went out looking to meet women for sex and you are worried about appearing vindictive?

Oh dear.

I think you could do with being a lot more vindictive...he will continue to walk all over you if you let him.

If the clinic text or phone with his results Id want to see those aswell.

No idea - totally irrational, unreasonable and (wrong) judgemental thoughts popped/flashed through my confused and stressed head - maybe I felt threatened by someone I imagined had a wilder more liberated sex life than me - assumed then more partners etc -- the crazy thought patterns that possess you.

Vacill your head is all over the place just now and understandably so

When did you find out?

Are you okay?

How does he explain deliberately setting up a dating profile, going on dates and having (unprotected) sex with someone while married to you and being the father of two little girls?

I am sorry for what you are going through. You are being very sensible getting tested. I am a bit confused about why he rushed of to the clinic by himself? How do you know he actually went? Also, I don't like that he is trying to get you to wait. You take control and go yourself. Be strong. Time to say "Fuck you H. This is about me"

I agree with Kissed. Very controlling, and how can you believe him when he tells you the results? I'm really sorry to say this OP, but he will do this again to you. You're and your girls are worth so much more than this.

Have you got any proof he has actually had this test done ?

He said why don't you wait for 2 weeks til I get the all clear and then there is no need

No - absolutely NO

This is about your health, not just his and he's already trashed his right to be trusted. And now he's disrespected your wish to go together by "rushing off" to the clinic? Yeah, right ...

When he gets his results (IF he's actually been ) they'll either text, write or ring ... he gets to choose the method ... and I'd very strongly suggest that you insist on seeing that message. If he's at all tech-savvy and capable of creating a fake text, you could also demand that he calls for confirmation of those results with you listening in

And please don't suggest this would be vindictive, etc ...

Have you got any proof he has actually had this test done ? my thought exactly.

I think it's perfectly reasonable to insist that you see/hear the results of any such test. I also think that it's important in terms of ending the stigma of STI testing that it's not seen as vindictive and awful to make such a request.

I would also be sceptical that he actually went and got tested.

I certainly wouldn't take his word for it that everything was fine.

OP I am sorry he has done this to you.

Oh op. I'm so sorry this shithead is putting you through this pain.

I also think it's highly likely that he hasn't been to the clinic and unfortunately if all is clear there's no paperwork to prove it so he can fudge away with that line.

Tell him you don't believe him -after all he's now a proven liar- and make him go again with you.

Then have a long hard think about what YOU want to do now.

HIV does not lie dormant for three months. On average seroconversion takes place at 22 days so most people will test positive at six weeks if they have contracted HIV.

What's OLD? Is it a dating site?