Is it EA if there is a medical reason ?

[whatisforteamum]

Last yr i posted on here about being at a crossroads with a distant DH and ill parents and 2 dcs taking exams.After 28 yrs together i didnt know what to do for the best.I decided staying put was for the best.
Over the winter My dfs cancer returned and spread and my dh did step up and was supportive.We are awaiting scan results to see if the chemo has worked on his aggressive cancer( i hope so but wont be surprised if it hasnt).I also doubled my hrs to pretty much full time getting home past midnight.DH and DD took on more chores and he was more considerate.

During this time he had suffered ED which he was told was his age.I googled it and discovered his tablets that make him less angry were possibly the cause.The gp prescribed them as it is common to be angry and depressed after a heart attack.DH just stopped taking them and hey presto no more viagra.
Last weekend hey was a bit moody and told me angrily to gt out the f ing way he would get the hash browns out of the freezer!!
I popped to the shops to buy mothers day flowers and got him some chocs.
I gave them to him and said share these with the dcs.Next thing they ran upstairs as he is shouting at them.
I go down and ask what is the problem i said they could have a couple?
He chucks them all ovr the table and says just have them then!! wt hec atmosphere from me trying to be nice.
This weekend i was off which is a rare thing and he had a blow up unexpectedly over something trivial.
I am left feeling like someone has hit me i dont answer back and make things worse.I have pointed out how these outbursts make me feel upset and spoil my day.How would you handle the stress when i already have family health worries as i cant spend anymore time at work which is a pressurred fast pace job.Im guessing he needs to go back to the gp ? Any ideas.Thanks in advance.

Really not seeing a medical reason here, just an EA arse.

Hi there. Was your DH like this at all before, or can you pinpoint his mood change to post heart attack?

OP, you are dealing with more than anyone could cope with at the moment - and you're doing it with great heroism.

I just wanted to say one very simple thing: I think when you make the decision to leave this asshat, it will be scary - but you will also feel a sense of peace. Not having to deal with emotional tantrums of the kind he is throwing is a tremendous relief. You may be surprised how much space it opens for you to deal with the other crap that life is throwing at you right now.

The other thing I wanted to say was that loads of people have cardiac problems and do not turn into monsters. I can't really see a medical link between his EA behaviour and this condition.

for your work hours and your support of your poor DF.

It does sound like there is something medical going on. With medication gets ED and without he gets angry, if I have read this correctly. So perhaps the dosage can be corrected? Or another medication can be given?

The other thing he may be able to do is manage his anger without medication. Although this might not be an immediate process.

It does sound like there are options to discuss with the GP which would warrant a visit.

Saying all this, though, does not minimize the hard time he is giving you and your children - which I don't know how severe it is but sounds pretty emotionally abusive to me. So some action, by him does need to be taken - he not be entirely to blame because of his medical condition but he is responsible, he can respond to make the situation better.

^ So please broach this subject with him, if you feel able. Make sure you and your children are safe. If you don't feel able, you really are frightened and need to take steps to make you and your children safe immediately.

Perhaps you could ring this GP regarding him to flag up your concern, if you feel unable to talk to him? The GP could just ask him in to check his medication.

I was wondering why you originally decided that staying put was for the best; better the devil you know?.

Is this really what you want to be teaching your children about relationships; that this is how couples behave in a marriage?.

Is it possible that your H could be using his ED actually to control you?. I doubt very much that his anger was caused by stopping pills; he seems inherently angry anyway. He is blaming you for his being angry. He may also be the sort of person who would have an argument in an empty room. I would also think this is learnt behaviour from his own childhood.

Why are you together really; what is keeping you within this?.

The thing is there probably will be physiological differences due to all the anger. I do think stopping the medication would have an effect, as they were prescribed to control anger and depression, from what I have understood from the OP.

However, stopping the medication can be a form of controlling behaviour. The medication causing ED further complicates matters. It is all intertwined.
This is why I think a trip to the GP for him would be warranted. There could be a better medication or another therapy that would be more effective.

Something needs to be done though. I agree this is not the right message to pass onto your children concerning relationships.

Yes, he needs to get back to the GP.

There might be medical causes, and that possibility needs to be properly investigated and dealt with (different prescription, CBT, other counselling; whatever is indicated).

If it is not a medical issue, or he is unwilling to seek treatment, then you have a rather different problem.

And it sounds as if it's a horrible time for you, irrespective of whatever is up with him. Who's supporting you?

Even if he is ill and can't help his aggressive behaviour (by the way, does he shout and tantrum at other people? If it's only you and the DC who get it then he has it under control and has decided that he can abuse his family because they are his property) *you don't have to live with it.

Could be medical reasons he can't control his temper, but after he's had the blow-up and you've pointed out how it made you feel, does he apologise?

If the tablets worked but had a side effect a return trip to the doctor should have been the next thing on the cards. He needs to go back, preferably with you.

Even if he is ill and can't help his aggressive behaviour (by the way, does he shout and tantrum at other people? If it's only you and the DC who get it then he has it under control and has decided that he can abuse his family because they are his property)

People can be ill and still control their behaviour, for periods of time, when they absolutely need to. It is just very difficult for them to maintain control IYSWIM. I am not saying this to minimize what the OP is going through or say their is anything remotely OK with the husband's behaviour. More that the way illnesses present can seem sporadic.

OP does not need to blame him entirely to regain control over her life and keep her and her children safe. Personally I think this is easier to handle than deciding to merely hate him. She loved him enough to marry him. However, he will need to take some responsibility too, to rectify the situation. To me it sounds like the husband is also finding things very difficult. Medication causes ED, going off it makes him angry and depressed. Neither are very pleasant for everyone concerned. The GP will have advice regarding the medical side of things. The OP needs to make sure she and her children are safe until this is under control.

Even if abusive behaviour is rooted in medication and a medical problem, and the person doesn't have full control over that - it doesn't make it any less upsetting or unpleasant to be on the receiving end of, or make it feel any less abusive. You still will have a limit to how long you are able to put up with that without becoming worn down and losing your resilience to it, and before it begins to negatively affect your wellbeing more than is sensible to allow. You still need boundaries, and however much you love and sympathise with that person, you still have a right to be emotionally, mentally and physically safe with them and that should be a priority to them too.

As PP said, he has to take some responsibility for managing his condition. He needs to seek or accept help to manage it in ways that keep it within the boundaries. Or accept that the situation needs to change for him to enable the people he loves to be safe around him. Just letting rip as and when it happens and expecting to be able to say sorry afterwards isn't enough.

wow just on my lunch break from my 13 hr day and thank you so much or the replies.
He did say i moan or nag alot so i just write lists of chores.I feel sad that he has been quite thoughtful lately wine and new glasses for our anniversary clean tidy home when i get in and he said im doing so well clocking up the long hard days at work some of which is put aside for when DF does pass away and we are waiting for ct scan and bone scan results.
He did have a bit of a temper before his HA but i blamed this on his 55 hr weeks which have stopped now.I also said is it me and he said sometimes.
THe kids are teens and sometimes giggle when im being shouted at as it is uncalled for and out of proportion.Most people build up a mood he just goes off on one !!
I have let my parents say all they have ever wanted to regards my low paid job and how my life doesnt measure up to my bro who has a lovely lifestyle as im sure Dad is angry or saddened by his cancer returning and must know it maybe beyond control.Mostly i just juggle the unemployed DD going to interviews and Ds taking exams this yr.I realise it is far from ideal to hear their dad shouting at their MUM but i feel at a loss TBH.
I will speak to him about the GP as he did say a while back his temper was short.He never apologises ever says he shouldnt have too.I always do and thank anyone who helps me out in anyway.
He has apparentley been rude or aggressive to work colleagues which i took to be men talking to men.Previously he was the kindest most gentle person i could know besides my DF which is why it is so hard to see his personality change.At least i have 2 days a week off as weekdays so no tension as we hardly call each other,

btw no one looks after me as i have no friends in RL more like aquaintances my fault for spending time with dcs or at work :(

I think you were wrong to give him some chocolates..........then tell the DCs they could have some. If my DH had done that I also would have chucked them at him.

Apart from that, it sounds medical to me.

If he's being aggressive with everyone, it's possibly a medical problem.
Was he prescribed cholesterol lowering drugs? From first hand experience, these can induce major problems with mood and irritability. Some googling will tell you more. I don't think such side effects are on the official list iyswim. If you are in the receiving end of them it can be devastating.
Of course, either way, a visit to the gp is a must.

yes he is on statins cholesterol tablets allsorts 6 in all to stop the build up in his arteries again.Doesnt stop him eating lots of junk though so rehab had little effect.
I bought the celebrations as i thought it would be sat eve treat as he sometimes buys me something i might like.Being as though it was a whole box would stretch to a couple each.Sounds like a mid life crisis in a way like he has given so much now he is possesive.Ive just got in from a shift where the boss blew his top (not at me but including me indirectly) walking on eggshells doesnt cover it.
I grew up in a large family where things were shared i didnt know that if i gave them to him and said give a couple to the kids it would cause trouble.Shame my caring sharing dad who fostered and adopted many babies and worked so hard is the one who is so ill really a fine example to many men bless him x

That OP says he doesn't think he should have to apologise makes it EA to me. My DH has physical health problems and medication which affects his mood but even though it's not really his fault, he still feels bad because he knows it certainly isn't mine!

It also matters that there is a continuing relationship with his GP/consultant and faith that we are working towards a solution. I've seen massive improvements which help me keep supporting him.

OP's husband needs to take responsibility for himself and his actions. The cause is frankly a red herring, it's how he deals with it that matters.

Thank you waiting..i realised last night he has been like this before 6 yrs ago.He used to be lovely,then after we had sex he would be awful that day or the next.I started to hate myself and feel used so gradually stopped the sex.In a yr we only made love every few months.
I have asked him how he feels.He just seems very entitled no one goes in the sitting room we just all stay in our bedrooms to watch tv at the weekends.
I am not allowed to speak when he gets in as he has to watch his soap.Even if im telling him about DF or DS school work i have to watch the clock for 7 pm or he just walks off....what about itv player and catch up !!I dont see him several nights a week and i cant call him when he is working.
I will suggest the gp and try to see if he can get another medication or follow up therapy.
THANK YOU ALL FOR REPLYING SOME GREAT ADVICE.
What do others do to stop themselves feeling bad when the outbursts happen i usually go out im sure it will affect my self esteem though as im lacking in confidence already.

whatis, I came on to say that I have a medical condition that is causing me pain and that I can sometimes be a bit snappy - but I take responsibility for my medication, for apologising to my partner and DCs when this happens, and for generally making sure I make it up to them in other ways.

And I have just read your latest post about the sex thing - wtf?! That is inexplicable except as some kind of EA, surely? I've never even heard of it as a psychological condition. I honestly don't know how you are putting up with it. You really don't have to, you know.

As well as being a twat, he sounds completely boring

everything has to stop for his soaps ?

fgs, the man needs launching right out of your life

who made him king ?

I am not allowed to speak when he gets in as he has to watch his soap.Even if im telling him about DF or DS school work i have to watch the clock for 7 pm or he just walks off....what about itv player and catch up !!I dont see him several nights a week and i cant call him when he is working

It sounds like he has completely withdrawn. Not very healthy behaviour. This is not sustainable, he cannot even cope with a conversation. If he does not see the GP himself I would be ringing myself to discuss your concerns. It does not sound like his depression / side effects of all the medication he is on is being well managed, at all.

And it goes without saying really, unless the situation can be rectified, do not allow yourself and your children to suffer living in this oppressive atmosphere.

What do others do to stop themselves feeling bad when the outbursts happen i usually go out im sure it will affect my self esteem though as im lacking in confidence already.

Remember this is not your fault. You are amazingly strong and resilient for coping with all you have had to this far. Keep telling yourself this. Take positive action to make your situation better and then it will get better. If this means leaving him, do. It would probably feel like a huge relief. However if he is willing to listen to advice and take positive steps himself, your marriage might well be saved also. Do not allow things to get any worse.

I said i would sort out the garage and he said i wouldnt .When i pointed out it is mine too and i cant get in there he said "i guess its your house too" in an angry way.I do keep the house tidy but not in a showhome way just clean and organised as it is quite small with 4 of us and soon gets cluttered.
If im exhausted i tell the teens im having a sleep and will be up to cook tea they know where i am where he just goes out without a word.His communication skills are poor.Resulting in temper tantrums.
He does find conversations hard and when a topic is tricky he starts coughing and choking i have noticed the last few yrs.
He has talked about my DF more as he lives in the same town and the fact his cancer has given him pain and chemo made him quite ill is hard to ignore.

When i told him i had a call from ds school to say he must go to catch up classes or will fail tec exam he got cross i was spoiling his eve as it was 1130 i just got in from work.His answer was to burp loudly as he knows how much i hate it
.Anyway i need to get ds through exams and support DM and DF especially if the news is bad and dms cancer is controlled but will return again 3rd time unlucky for her :( i never thought my life would go so pear shaped.