Is it EA if there is a medical reason ?

[whatisforteamum]

Last yr i posted on here about being at a crossroads with a distant DH and ill parents and 2 dcs taking exams.After 28 yrs together i didnt know what to do for the best.I decided staying put was for the best.
Over the winter My dfs cancer returned and spread and my dh did step up and was supportive.We are awaiting scan results to see if the chemo has worked on his aggressive cancer( i hope so but wont be surprised if it hasnt).I also doubled my hrs to pretty much full time getting home past midnight.DH and DD took on more chores and he was more considerate.

During this time he had suffered ED which he was told was his age.I googled it and discovered his tablets that make him less angry were possibly the cause.The gp prescribed them as it is common to be angry and depressed after a heart attack.DH just stopped taking them and hey presto no more viagra.
Last weekend hey was a bit moody and told me angrily to gt out the f ing way he would get the hash browns out of the freezer!!
I popped to the shops to buy mothers day flowers and got him some chocs.
I gave them to him and said share these with the dcs.Next thing they ran upstairs as he is shouting at them.
I go down and ask what is the problem i said they could have a couple?
He chucks them all ovr the table and says just have them then!! wt hec atmosphere from me trying to be nice.
This weekend i was off which is a rare thing and he had a blow up unexpectedly over something trivial.
I am left feeling like someone has hit me i dont answer back and make things worse.I have pointed out how these outbursts make me feel upset and spoil my day.How would you handle the stress when i already have family health worries as i cant spend anymore time at work which is a pressurred fast pace job.Im guessing he needs to go back to the gp ? Any ideas.Thanks in advance.

I think you have to think what his advice would be worth. It does not sound like he would have anything constructive to say anyway.

So if you want to sort out the garage, just do. If you want a nap, take one. It does not sound like your DH can cope with anything that is concerning news, such as your DS taking catch up lessons.

Personally I think your DH really needs to get his physical and psychological health problems sorted out before you can expect anything much of him. He is not well enough himself to be able to provide any support at all. Really you will be happier not consulting him as his response is upsetting you.

So with your DH just focus on his needs, getting his health sorted and minimizing any disruption. Let him watch his soaps etc. Listen to his grumbles. Although don't take any of them to heart as he really is not thinking straight.

I don't know whether there is anyone you know who will support you? The GP can give you any medical advice. MN is good regarding what to expect with your DS's education or how to leave your husband if you need to. Other than that my advice is to try to take some time out just to unwind - whether that be reading or just watching a TV programme you like. During that time just do your best to switch off from your worries.

Does he use the health problems to excuse his behaviour, OR to explain it?

Does he acknowledge it's up to him to see his GP, or get medications sorted? Or is it all about sliding out of taking control of himself?

Tbh, your life sounds grinding misery at the moment

Still not seeing anything very medical here.

How long ago was his heart attack? What was your relationship like before - in your OP you say you'd been thinking of leaving so it can't have been great.

It is common for people to be depressed after a heart attack as they adjust to what has happened to them - but not for months and years after.

You seem to have all the responsibility here for the wellbeing of your relationship and his health - what does he do?

You have adjusted your behave not to nag, you sort out the chores, you get him to the GP, you google his meds etc etc. What steps is he taking?

I am concerned that you have accidentally medicalised his behaviour into 'depression' 'being angry because of side effects of meds' 'being angry because he has no meds' when the real problem is he's a bit shit.

If he had a proper mental health diagnosis I'd expect him to be on meds, going to counselling, trying to make things better. Instead he seems to have got himself a medical 'get out of jail free card' which entitles him to strop about.

There is no medical treatment for being an arse. This is not a medical problem.

Thank you capsicum he does seem happier when nothing is asked of him.I do try to watch tv and bake on my days off like today.I guess we always sorted things out between us but now im on my own.he will cut the grass do the ironing cook a roast while im at work but ask him about discipline or feelings he is lost he even says he doesnt know what to say.Mum always says im a doormat..pleasing others especially with work.
I find the whole jekyle and hyde thing quite hard i am quite hard as there is no ryhme or reason to it.I think one day i will have had enough if it doesnt get sorted out.

If he was never nice, you would have left long ago. It's the nice that keeps you with him, looking after him - and the horrid that keeps you on eggshells always trying to please, never making any demands of him.

I'm afraid your mum has his number.

Thanks ladies he doesnt say it is a medical thing...its me going on ie asking him for any help or support.."i cant tell him what to do"though he now acknowledges that certain washing cleaning etc cant be done by me on a 13hr day and keeping on top of things is a good idea.
He just says if i dont like it i can divorce him.
He knows how hard it is to lose your parents as he has lost both of his.I get the impression i will be supporting him when mine pass away as he is the more emotional type.
I feel like i have 3 teens to look after!

I find the whole jekyle and hyde thing quite hard i am quite hard as there is no ryhme or reason to it.I think one day i will have had enough if it doesnt get sorted out.hmm

Remember this is not your fault. It does not make sense because IMO he is not well, does not have a healthy state of mind. Tbh to me it does sound very much like he is depressed (despite what some other posters have said). He is withdrawn, snaps and cannot cope with any bad news. He has stopped taking his medication which was to control anger and depression. However the clearest way to resolve this would be a visit to the GP. He is no support to you and he is not going to be in this state of mind. If you did decide to leave him, OP, no-one would blame you because he is not making any positive steps himself at the moment.

If he had a proper mental health diagnosis I'd expect him to be on meds, going to counselling, trying to make things better. Instead he seems to have got himself a medical 'get out of jail free card' which entitles him to strop about.

Thing i,s it doesn't sound like he has been back to the doctors. Add he has been on meds - just is not taking them because of the side effects.

He just says if i dont like it i can divorce him.

I bet he's only saying that because he's sure you won't. Try saying "what a good idea, I'll book a solicitor's appointment next week" and see what happens...

Do you know what I think: I'm not any kind of medical expert so couldn't say whether the medication is making him act out of character, but doesn't it sound awfully like a toddler acting up because mummy isn't giving him as much attention as usual? 13 hour work shifts, sick parents, children having problems at school, and yes, partner unwell, you've got masses on your plate so no wonder you're a bit distracted. Now is the time for a supportive spouse to cut you some slack, not add to your burdens.

This behaviour is unacceptable no matter what the cause, but if my guess is right it's more of a "put your foot down" than an "LTB" situation.

He coughs, chokes and burps when you try to talk to him about important family matters ?

christ, the man is an ignorant pig

I wouldn't pussy foot around that and try to "manage" his moods in any way

I don't know how some women think being in a relationship like this is preferable to just telling the bad tempered fuck to go take a running jump

this is absolutely nothing to do with his "health"

Some people think im bossy and organised so i have tried to consider that his opinions count too.Although we would live in a muddle if it was left to him.
He thinks i should cook a meal for him 50 s stylee which i rarely do as he eats hrs later than the dcs and is picky.
He must appreciate that i need an end to my day.I am a chef cooking all day long :)
I do appreciate small things ie lovely dcs,the house to myself tue weds.
Most things go in his favour he did say we would sort out the sleeping from his snoring and me downstairs for yrs then spreads out in the double bed with no intention of buying a sofabed and taking turns.
Whats in it for me? I have no mortgage now and a roof over my head,stability if you like when he is not going off on one.
What i dont have is anyone to share my life with or give me a hug.Or general.."thats awful you Dad didnt get his scan results due to another hospital error you must hate seeing him messed about for 7 months"
He says he feels he cant do anything right but i always thank him and dd for any help around the home.

He says he feels he cant do anything right

Yeah, that would be because he never does.

I get that with everything else going on in your life right now, you might not feel able to leave him. However once things have quietened down, maybe you could look into getting some counselling just for yourself so you can sort through your wants and needs and see things more clearly?

I have to say it doesn't sound like your DCs are benefiting from his presence in their lives if he is shouting at them (about sharing some chocolates FGS!) to the point where they run away upstairs :(

Agreed pocketsaviour which is sad as one thing that made me stay with him is letting both dcs see both their parents :( at least if we parted now they could see good reason though i feel bad for them.

UpDaTE spoke to DH who said the worst bit is me "going on" 1 1/2 conversation i moan too much and he expects a cooked tea when he gets in.I pointed out we have 17yr DD who has all day she does help but could do more.He seems exhausted.
Phone call from DM DF has been admitted to hosp via A+E for passing blood and low white blood cells.He was in isolation and will see oncologist tommorrow and get ct scan and bone scan results.I get a feeling the cancer is spreading as its an aggressive type.
Many thanks for the suggestions though i will deffo get dh to the GP :)

UpDaTE spoke to DH who said the worst bit is me "going on" 1 1/2 conversation i moan too much and he expects a cooked tea when he gets in

This reminds me of the thread on here where people said they avoid watching the news because it makes their anxiety worse.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/2338240-I-find-it-odd-that-my-colleague-never-watches-the-news-or-reads-newspapers

I don't think he is in the right place to deal with anything negative, any complaints from you could be making him feel worse. I know this is difficult for you because it leaves you with no support from him, however, in the state he is in, I really do not think he is able to give it. His response is not very likely likely to be constructive anyway. He may feel powerless to help. Him seeming exhausted is likely to be another symptom. Hopefully the GP will be able to sort his medication out so he does not feel so bad or offer some other constructive therapy.

I hope you can still find the strength to be there for your DF and DM during your DF's illness. I bet your DF knows you love him, very much, which is what matters most.

Oh yes i get it now.I feel like that sometimes what with DD looking for a job after poor AS results,and MUm and DAD and DH.
I will make an effort not to ask anything of him.
Last night he popped into the hospital to see DF.He gets on well with him and took sandwiches and a drink.Then stayed for chat.
I guess we ve been silly working long hrs with no social life.Dont get me wrong i like my own company and have been invited out lots at work but turned it down for sleep or seeing the DCs growing up.Thank you so much you have hit the nail on the head

what

Oh at least your DH has done something positive and unselfish.

I think you will have to be easy on him and yourself. It sounds like, realistically, you could both be exhausted, you have both been 'through the mill'. Minimizing conflict until you can sort some solutions out will be more restful for you both IMO.

And I am pleased I could be of help.

Hello again whatisforteamum I am sorry to hear your DF has taken a turn for the worse. How is your DM doing?

You have mentioned the bed and sofa issue before - it beggars belief H can be so selfish.

Your boss has often sounded an unpleasant character. It seems that you escape the bully at home by going to work where you like the actual work only to be intimidated by the boss and at least one co-worker.

I will make an effort not to ask anything of him

I am very sad that this statement is the over riding conclusion you have come to.

AnyFucker Why would you ask anything of someone when you don't trust their responses or actions, if you feel they are incapable? At least at the present. It might be sad but it is realistic.

I don't think anyone has said the DH's behaviour is by any means right.

If I can't trust their responses, can't trust their actions and consider them incapable of acceptable human interaction then I leave and protect myself and my kids from that person.

I don't stay put and find excuses to tolerate it. That is some damaging shit to model to growing children.

If he is ill (which I don't believe for one moment, but for the sake of argument...) then he has to seek help on his own account or risk losing his family. Covering up and protecting him from the consequences of his actions is not the right thing to do, IMO

Sadly DF cancer is not being controlled by 2nd line chemo so after several months waiting for it to start then 3 cycles of 3 days chemo of 3 days then the week of symptoms has been in vain.Things i saw online made me feel this would happen hence my trying to sort my life out and avoid the "colleague who keeps saying were all gonna die deal with it"I dont cry at work or phone is ill its just some people hate the word cancer.:(
DF is going to get some radiotherapy which is the lesser to two platinum based chemos (which havent worked !).
My boss offered me the day off today which i declined as id rather have the time when DF really needs me.
What i wouldnt give for someone to just be nice or hug me or acknowledge the sadness of it all.Good job i have ME :) and MUMsnet.
My DH was like his old self yesterday he always did put others 1st which is why his temper is so hard to take.The fact he is older i guess i thought he was the coper but sadly not since his heart attack which i guess is a bit understandable as he mum died of one at 44.Mums stage 4 cancer is on 4 monthly checks and behaving although she was warned remission wouldnt be so long this time and as Dad is her" carer" and rock she must be doubly worried.
I have decided to keep the colleague at arms length and hopefully others will set him straight he would be a dickhead to put the boot in now and as he is no longer so much in charge of me i wont see him too much.

Virtual hugs from me whatfor.

Ignore the colleague, lacking in empathy or what?

I don't have much advice about how to help your DM and DF, other than letting them know you love them, as I am in no doubt you are, will mean the world to them. However I bet there are other's on MN with advice if you need it.

Good your DH is showing some of his previous more caring nature.

Anyfucker i can see where u are coming from wanting to protect the dcs at all costs and this is what i used to say to my dsis when she had an abusive marriage.I hav spoken to the teens and asked if they are frightened they find it amusing that DH loses his rag over nothing although im sure they get fed up of keeping their heads down.I am in very difficult circumstances and always had the opinion i wouldnt put up with any arguments..it is hard when a previously gentle persons personality changes especially when they revert to nice for a bit.

What do you think your teens think about your resolve to "not ask anything of" a grown man with responsibilities. Do they think it's ok for you to take on all the burden of your ill parents, to tip toe around this man who is offering you no support whatsoever and is in fact adding to your burden ?

Imagine them in a similar situation. Would that be acceptable ?

and asking your children to sanction your choice ?

wrong

the decision is yours not theirs