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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How am I going to face the neighbours tomorrow after this?!

47 replies

BlueBananas · 22/03/2015 21:32

"D"P has just spent 30 minutes at the front door trying to kick it in, shouting abuse at me and shouting personal things about me in the street to the neighbours who were all watching through their windows
(I had locked him out)
I rang his friend who came and picked him up eventually
But now I've got to see these neighbours tomorrow, some of them have DC in the same school as me so I will actually have to spend time with them after this
Think I might keep the kids off tomorrow and just hibernate, how am I supposed to look anyone in the face again, I'm just so embarrassed

OP posts:
Cherryapple1 · 22/03/2015 21:34

The embarrassment should be his - not yours.

I hope you reported him to the police? You have plenty of witnesses to prove his behaviour.

Fairenuff · 22/03/2015 21:35

Is he now your ex partner?

RainbowCake · 22/03/2015 21:35

You don't have anything to be embarrassed about. He on the other have does!
I think your neighbours will just be concerned for you. Hold your head high.

RainbowCake · 22/03/2015 21:36

*hand. Not have.

IHaveBrilloHair · 22/03/2015 21:37

You have done nothing wrong, hold your head up.

OneDayWhenIGrowUp · 22/03/2015 21:37

He's the one that's embarrassed himself, not you. You'd have been within your rights to call the police, not one of his friends. In fact, please do call 101 now so the incident is logged. It was harassment at the very least, possibly assault if you feared for your safety/felt threatened

If you were my neighbour, I wouldn't be thinking anything bad about you. I'd be worried about you and probably be considering popping over to check on you. Certainly when I saw you tomorrow my first question would be how are you. Nothing judgy at all.

Flowers hope you're ok now

BottleBeach · 22/03/2015 21:38

just spent 30 minutes at the front door trying to kick it in

This sounds really frightening BlueBananas. Are your children ok?

butterfly2015 · 22/03/2015 21:39

Why should you be embarrassed? It was him being an arse!

NoSquirrels · 22/03/2015 21:39

Oh poor you.

Presumably you locked him out for a very good reason. I hope he's permanently locked out - it doesn't sound like excusable behaviour to me.

Don't worry about the neighbours. You've done nothing wrong. Flowers

HootyMcTooty · 22/03/2015 21:41

This happened to me as a child (and worse), we went away for a few weeks and by the time we got back the rumour round school was that my Dad had killed my Mum (she's still very much alive and well).

The embarrassment should be all his and I hope he's your ex. Don't hide away, unless you really need to then just for a short while. I'm sure most people have compassion, as for the rest, some other gossip will come along soon enough to take the spotlight off you.

Sorry you're having a shitty time Flowers

SirChenjin · 22/03/2015 21:42

You have nothing to be ashamed of - hopefully he is now your ex-partner and you're pursuing charges?

Those neighbours worth their salt will have been more concerned about you and your safety than anything else.

redrubyindigo · 22/03/2015 21:43

Don't hide. Speak to them and explain but talk low, talk slow and don't say too much. Let it all calm down.

They are probably far more worried for you than him.

Do you have a long term plan rather than tomorrow? The dc's need to go to school. Try to keep it normal (if you can, difficult I know).

Original poster
BlueBananas · 22/03/2015 22:04

Thankyou all
DC are fine and both fast asleep now, they were just saying things like "mummy just tell daddy to be angry quietly because we're trying to sleep" they weren't frightened atall bless them
Thing is it's quite a naice street and nothing ever ever happens here, so I think I'll be the subject of over the fence gossip for quite a while now
Annoying things is that no I don't think I did lock him out for a good reason, it was probably an over reaction on my part, but he went from 0-60 so quickly that I felt I had no choice but to stick to my guns. I couldn't let him in after he started kicking the door could I? Could I? I probably should have, too stubborn for my own good sometimes
And I wish I could say "yes of course he's my ex now" but I can't even convince myself of that anymore, we've danced this dance so many times I can't say this will be the last time - it's just never been so loud and public before and I'm usually so good at putting my 'happy family' face on and now everyone knows the truth

OP posts:
redrubyindigo · 22/03/2015 22:11

Good luck Blue. Life is never easy and there is never an easy answer.

This much I have learnt in life.

tallwivglasses · 22/03/2015 22:12

Sorry, OP, but chances are the neighbours already had an inkling. And your dc have normalised it Sad I hope to god one of your neighbours does offer you support. You're in a far from healthy relationship.

Binklesback · 22/03/2015 22:19

I think you've been very honest and unbiased there BlueBananas , which is refreshing. As for the neighbours, nobody lives a perfect life so don't worry what they think , stuff happens, thats life.

OneDayWhenIGrowUp · 22/03/2015 22:21

No Blue, you should really not have opened the door to someone who was threatening you and kicking at it! You did the right thing hanging tight. If you'd called the police he would have probably been arrested, because that is how serious it is.

I hope you stay around here for the amazing support that can be offered...if you wish you could say he was your ex, then make it so. You have the power to do that. You don't even need a reason, but it sounds like you'd have a ton of them.

OneDayWhenIGrowUp · 22/03/2015 22:22

Do you feel like sharing what the original reason was?

Fairenuff · 22/03/2015 22:23

It's sad that your children are so used to this behaviour now that they just want him to be angry quietly Sad

OP, you know this isn't right. It might just be a 'dance' to you but it is damaging your children.

IfMaybeBut · 22/03/2015 22:25

I'm expecting to be slammed for this but if it were me, my embarrassment would be because I stayed with him. You might not be responsible for his behaviour but you are responsible for your reaction to it.

I'm so sorry you're going through this and I hope you get support so that you don't have to

Maliceaforethought · 22/03/2015 22:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PacificDogwood · 22/03/2015 22:25

BlueBananas, I agree with everybody saying if anybody ought to feel ashamed it's him.

However, if the two of you 'have danced this dance' so many times before, and to the point that your DCs are not frightened by somebody kicking and shouting at their door (is he their father?), then I hope the time will come sooner rather than later that you can change something about your relationship.
Whether you lost your rag or he was in the wrong I have no idea - but if this kind of thing is a regular occurrence, it IS very likely to be damaging to your children.

Hope you all get some sleep tonight.

Botanicbaby · 22/03/2015 22:33

bluebananas - you have nothing to be ashamed of, I don't blame you for not opening the door. Someone that goes from 0-60 is scary and it sounds like you have been dealing with this for a long time. Maybe it is finally time to stop wearing that false smile and playing happy families on the surface.

I know no-one's relationship is perfect but this sounds very damaging for you and your DCs. Please don't give a stuff about what the neighbours think. You and your children are more important. Your 'D'P sounds like an immature arse who is the one who should hang his head in shame not you.I hope you are okay.

CurlyWurlyCake · 22/03/2015 22:34

Hold your head high, don't hibernate.

Take your DC a to school and ride it out. You will be surprised how many have been where you are now and will offera smile.

I certainly would

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 23/03/2015 01:42

Wait up. Do I live on another planet and just pop down here now and again. He's
He kicks the door and shouts Abuse at you. He's the twAt not you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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