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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How am I going to face the neighbours tomorrow after this?!

47 replies

BlueBananas · 22/03/2015 21:32

"D"P has just spent 30 minutes at the front door trying to kick it in, shouting abuse at me and shouting personal things about me in the street to the neighbours who were all watching through their windows
(I had locked him out)
I rang his friend who came and picked him up eventually
But now I've got to see these neighbours tomorrow, some of them have DC in the same school as me so I will actually have to spend time with them after this
Think I might keep the kids off tomorrow and just hibernate, how am I supposed to look anyone in the face again, I'm just so embarrassed

OP posts:
Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 23/03/2015 01:43

Sorry posted too soon. Your neighbors should be judging him not you

NeedABumChange · 23/03/2015 01:58

You shouldn't be embarrassed to face the neighbours after his awful behaviour but you definitely should be embarrassed to stay with him. That's when everyone will talk about you and how you are happy to keep your children in an abusive home environment.

MerryKat · 23/03/2015 05:56

OP I think you should report to police. If there are other parents at your school who witnessed this they are quite likely to either tell the school or contact children's services. He was kicking your door for 30 minutes and the only reason he left was because someone came and stopped him. Whatever your reason for locking him out that was a massive over reaction. I know it's hard but this will be affecting your children more than you know.

Finola1step · 23/03/2015 06:03

He's at fault, not you. But it is incredibly sad that your children are not scared by his behaviour. I assume therefore they are used to it. If so, forget your neighbours.

Mostlyjustaluker · 23/03/2015 06:26

Your neighbours should be ashamed for not contacting the police. If I witnessed my neighbour and her children being a abused then I would be contacting the police.

I am sorry bluebananas but your children are being abused and by not ending this relationship you are failing to protect them.

SirChenjin · 23/03/2015 07:54

I agree with the others who are saying that this incident will probably be reported to the Police or SS by someone else. High time you did too - if this isn't a one off then all the more reason to throw this awful specimen out of your life and that of your DCs. That is not a healthy place for them to grow up in - far from it.

ninawish · 23/03/2015 08:02

trust me your children are scared - very scared and it will be effecting them so much more than you think

I've been that child who normalised domestic violence while living in it and the fact that they are engaging with you to try and stop it speaks volumes 'please ask daddy to be angry quietly' is them telling you they want to be protected. I remember saying similar things and I still flashback now and in my 40s. Hearing one of their parents trying to kick the door down for 30 mins will have been terrifying for them Hmm

They will also have been part of the dance you mentioned - I know because I lived that dance too - a long 20 years of it from birth until I got out Hmm

You need to get support and help for you and the children - don't want to sound harsh but the neighbours and what they think should be the least of your worries, protecting your children is paramount.

Littlemonstersrule · 23/03/2015 08:05

Your poor children, so used to it they just want him to keep the noise down. Is that really what you want them to think a healthy relationship looks like?

It could turn out to be a great thing that the neighbours heard, hopefully one will report to SS or the school for them to report. Somebody needs to stand up for the children.

FenellaFellorick · 23/03/2015 08:10

poor you and your poor children too.

I bet it made you want to cry when your children said that. To be so used to living like that that they just wanted to be able to sleep Sad no child should have to have that life. Thanks

You have no need to be embarrassed. You weren't behaving like an animal, he was. The neighbours will not think less of you, they will feel sympathy for you and will probably just be worried about you and the children.

Is this a regular thing? Has he ever hurt you or the children? What is likely to happen now?

gamerchick · 23/03/2015 08:15

You should report it before one of your neighbours report you both to SS. Your poor kids think this is normal man... its time to split for good for their sakes.

Blu · 23/03/2015 08:19

What the neighbours are thinking is the least of your problems.
Are you saying this is all ok as long as it is only your smal children who hear? And as long as only you and your H experience it?
How would you LIKE to live? Is it possible with your H? Do you feel bullied and abused? Do either of you have a drink problem? If yes to those questions, seek specialst help. If 'no' and you are stuck in a pattern, would it help to go to counselling and get help with how to change the 'dance' and find a new way to listen and talk to each other? Do either or both of you need help with anger management?
Doing nothing is not an option. You say this has happened so many times, and so it will again, and will escalate again.

It isn't healthy or happy for any of you. The very idea that you feel tempted to keep your kids off school due to a DV incident should tell you that.

I hope things are better today OP, and that you will take care of yourself - in a way that takes steps towards a better future for all of you. Whatever that may be.

Latara · 23/03/2015 08:25

Don't worry about the neighbours. The armed police were called an incident at my house 2 yrs ago and afterwards the neighbours were so nice about it.

Hope you get your relationship problems sorted out.

MythicalKings · 23/03/2015 08:25

You should only be embarrassed if you let him back in after his disgusting behaviour. Your children deserve better than this and I agree with the poster who said they would have been frightened. I would have been and I'm an adult.

AnyFucker · 23/03/2015 09:57

how did it go this morning, OP ?

Christinayang1 · 23/03/2015 10:07

if they were decent people they would have came over to see if dc and you were okay

How are you this morning?

Christinayang1 · 23/03/2015 10:10

nina

I share your pain, I remember cowering in bed terrified to even go to the bathroom and then having to get up the next day, go to school and put on your everything is normal and happy face

ninawish · 23/03/2015 10:24

@christina

Yes I had to get up the next day and go to school too with all the other 'normal' children and be expected to be a good girl - these kids here will be feeling all those feelings inside this morning looking at be other children in safe families. So sad. I feel so sorry for them having normalised in their own little heads and asking for 'quiet' anger HmmHmmHmm. They will be scared and wondering what they will be going home to.

I hope this morning help and support arrives for all involved.

Jan45 · 23/03/2015 11:03

Use this as your wake up call, you can't be in a relationship like this, it's damaging for everyone, especially the children, don't you want better for them?

Ideal time I'd say to call it quits and give your kids a peaceful and safe place to stay.

minibmw2010 · 23/03/2015 19:23

What worries me is your thought is for the neighbours and not the children Confused I've been that child and believe me I was def scared.

NerrSnerr · 23/03/2015 19:27

Please don't ever let him back, your kids deserve better.

Blu · 23/03/2015 19:35

How are you BlueBananas?

MyBootsAreMuddy · 23/03/2015 20:10

He was trying to kick the door in and shouting abuse at you in the street for 30 mins and your neighbours did nothing but watch?Shock. They are the ones who should be embarrassed, and ashamed. If I witnessed something like that I would be calling the police, especially knowing you had young dc in the house also.

You have nothing to be embarrassed about op.

I hope you and your dc are ok.

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