Can anyone advise or understand why I feel resentment towards my sweet caring mum?

[OriginalHugsy]

Ok so she has had mental health problems a long time and when I was 14/15 she had a breakdown and was In and out of hospital for many years. Growing up I never minded and always cared for her a lob with dad and siblings etc. But when I became an adult, she started to annoy me a little as she was so undecided on everything and never had an opinion, always trying to please everyone all the time. There is probably much more to it but anyway. Now I've had my DC I feel even more resentment and annoyance in the little things she does. Things I resent her for mainly are that I feel she let me down growing up, I had no guidance and no confidence. I know it wasn't her fault but I can't help but feel this way. I also feel let down by her By never having that special mum- daughter relationship that it seems everyone else has! I love my Dd so much that i want a special relationship with her but because I never had it, Maybe I can't give it and that upsets me so much.
I wonder if I need some counselling and if so then what sort? I have low self esteem and im over protective of dd and whenever I see my mum I can't help but feel resentment even though I do care about her. Don't know what I expect from this post but I just needed to get it off my chest. I suppose im upset that I don't have a mother or anyone I can turn to for anything that sort of thing.

I feel bad too for feeling this way

It's ok to be annoyed by your mom's traits, and it's ok to feel you were let down. Counselling is often helpful, take your time and don't be afraid to change counsellors if one isn't working for you. It may help you to know that not every daughter has a special relationship with her mother, even when there's ample love and respect on both sides. I'm like that with my mother, and we're totally fine with that, we're just not that sort of people. With help, time, and luck, you'll find your own unique relationship with your mother, one that works for you, and you probably won't feel envious anymore.

I don't think you need to worry about your relationship with your own DD. You are fully aware of what was missing for you, so will make quite sure you meet all her - and your - needs to create the best relationship you can. Sadly your mum wasn't in the right place it seems, to be all that you needed.

Counselling with the right professional would be cathartic, as you will be able to fully explore your feelings. I feel that you are carrying a lot of unnecessary guilt regarding your feelings, which you can work through in a safe, confidential environment. Person Centred Counselling is very good for these types of issues. Good luck.

I think it's telling that you took on a caring role for your mum when growing up. You were the parent. That's not apportioning blame btw - just describing the situation.

Do you secretly feel resentful that you gave so much? Do you find it difficult to have good boundaries with regards to helping others now (i.e. find you take responsibility for others' feelings, can't say no etc?) Sorry if that's off the mark.

It's ok to grieve for the mothering you deserved but didn't get. Part of grief is anger. I think counselling would be a great idea.

The more I think about it the more I want counselling and help to understand why I feel the way I do. I feel it's having a knock on effect to how I handle other relationships. I have no close friends really and no one to talk to about how I feel, I feel I want to talk about it to understand if it makes sense. I was referred for cbt but after an initial assessment I don't feel cbt is for me, what can I do next? I live in London and can't afford private counselling (seems to be £50-£80 a session).

Do you work? Many larger organizations offer access to services like counselling for their employees.

I think peacoat is right when she says it's ok to grieve for the mothering you never had.

It might also help to consider that although you didn't have what you would have chosen for yourself, or even what you needed, nevertheless you had the most your mother was able to give at the time.

You say she's always trying to please everyone all the time. Perhaps she always tried to do that, even tho she didn't succeed ?

Thanks for all replies by the way. It's good to hear im not dreadful for feeling that way. I work in a small organisation really so no help there I don't think. We are a low income family really since I had dd and only work part time now, wonder if That makes a difference ?

I think that having your own children can often make you think differently about your own experience of being parented. Since I have had my son (almost three), even though I have a generally good relationship with both parents (though we live in different countries), I do find myself increasingly impatient with my mother's general helplessness and passivity towards the world at large.

It puts me sharply in mind of what it was like being a child in trouble and having learnt there was no point telling my mother, as all she would do was get upset and be completely incapable of any action. i do worry about overcompensating for that with my son, but I would not ever inflict on a child the misery of being bullied and knowing that your parents are too intimidated to go and talk to a teacher (my mother), or think that it is 'too much hassle' (my father).

Original, my mother was and still is a people-pleaser, too - it sounds minor, but actually, it can be very damaging to be around as a child. She had no boundaries, couldn't say no to any request, however outrageous, for fear of being disliked/attracting hostility, and this meant that she put her children (whom she viewed as an aspect of herself, not as separate people) last all the time. And she was a magnet for the needy, wounded and unwanted, because she had such low self-esteem she liked being 'needed', even if it was in blatantly exploitative situations.

Definitely ladygregory since having my child I really have lots about my childhood and how I was brought up. I feel like I would always encourage my daughter and be there for her and notice when she needs me and guide her and do everything I can to help her in life. But thinking that I feel sad that my mum never did that for me. I've struggled my whole life with self esteem issues. I feel sorry for my mum too as she has had difficult life, I think she had depression from Young age and was bullied at school etc.

I always thought my mum people pleased and in particular to me because she felt bad for putting me through a traumatic experience when she had a breakdown.

seconding that not everyone has a good relationship with their mother. I have at last found peace with my relationship with my motherbut it has taken a long time. I have had therapy to come to terms with difficulties in my childhood.

it is perfectly understandable that you feel a huge mix of emotions about your mum. In a way you are grieving 4 for that relationship you should have had - and grieving takes a long time, it's not an overnight thing. It's also understandable that you would feel a lot of resentment because you weren't properly parented by your mum when you needed her and you feel the effects of that to this day, for instance struggles with self esteem. That's a lot to come to terms with!

i'm not surprised you are irritated by your mum when for instance she shows characteristics that where prevalent when you were growing up; characteristics that show and remind you of how ineffectual she was for you. it probably doesn't help that she feels guilty for the childhood you had, which makes you feel guilty for feeling angry. emotions aren't necessarily logical.

Give yourself a break, you had a hard time. It wasn't her fault but it's perfectly understandable you feel angry and upset at the hand you were dealt. Xx

Thank you springy that makes a lot of sense

I can strongly empathise OP.

Weak, unhappy, self-loathing people often overwhelm and oppress more than directly aggressive ones? Because you feel guilty for their unhappiness and "responsible".

My own parents were of that nature: really never turned into adults and didn't know the meaning of boundaries or of acting in a responsible way

(they'd vacillate between self-pity -asking their children for emotional reassurance and discussing "adult" matters with them and aggressive).

Basic things like getting up on time, giving their children clean smelling clothes, were beyond them.

It was awful: they expected their children to be the strong ones and they both depended on them socially (we were all academic high-achievers who played sports so they'd be obsessed with living socially "through" us) and were controlling and needy.

I agree with what you say on being "people-pleasing" as well: they were so desperate to be liked and so socially inept themselves they'd literally let family "friends" make unpleasant comments about their children and make us "make up" with the children who had bullied us so they would look good in front of the parents. I am disgusted at their weakness and will always be.

As I've got older, I think it's been helpful to gravitate to people who act as mentors rather than expecting to be "the strong one" all the time. Being kind to myself, and realizing I can be loved just for "being" not for "doing".

I went NC many years ago and I think that having those years of peace really saved me emotionally!

Funnily enough, I see it as passive-aggressiveness in my parents case. I don't dwell on it and I'm generally content in my own life, but I can put the blame firmly in their court?

I get the impression that they has some internal rage/trauma, and then like LadyGregory said viewed their children as extensions of themselves?

So they were getting a kick out of seeing their children unhappy and bullied and isolated, because then they weren't so alone in their emotions?

My mother would actually take all the children out of school and take us around town (where we'd attract lots of negative looks from shopkeepers, passers by who just saw a lot of badly dressed kids loitering etc) because she wasn't comfortable being out on her own.

Of course this made us very isolated and self-conscious, and I get the impression that was what she wanted in a sick way: for her children to suffer as she did.

OP you could be me -- exactly. I feel exactly the same way about my mum and its really quite spooky to come across someone who feels like this.

My mum was also very caring, sweet and loving but also extremely repressed and as a result never really talked to me about anything that mattered. The really important things in life (love, sex, money, death, emotional life) were taboo and she got really uncomfortable talking about any of them and would change the subject if they came up.

Consequently I was never able to share any of that with her. I didn't talk to her about boyfriends, didn't tell her when I got my period, couldn't share stuff with her.

There were problems in my parents' marriage -- it wasn't a total disaster but my mum always felt marginalised and belittled by my dad and I think probably regretted not having left him when she was younger.

I always felt with her that there was something missing about her, like she wasn't ever really there.

She died very recently and I'm still struggling with it but the grief for her has been very strange. I miss her but even now I carry resentment towards her.

I don't know what to say except that you're not alone!

I'm sorry you had such an awful time, joint. But what you describe sounds a world away from what op has described?

I also feel exactly like this about my mum, and as I have more things in my life and a greater ability to set boundaries I am losing patience more and more with her.

As newname describes it's like she is not all there, and I never discuss anything that matters with her, she just can't deal with it in an adult way.

I have had some serious issues over the last few years (abusive husband, divorce, nervous breakdown) but yet she still calls me to make even the simplest decision for her. Deciding on her living room carpet colour meant she called me 23 times over the course of several weeks (we counted, it was that or chew off my own arm with frustration). When I told her she was a grown woman and surely could choose her own carpet colour because I had other stuff going on, she cried and didn't call for 2 weeks.

I have issues with her lack of parenting growing up, but I have had counselling and to some extent feel that is my problem to deal with now. However, even without the baggage of the past my relationship with her as she is now drives me crazy. Talking to her takes up so much of my emotional energy, and I resent being made to feel responsible for the decisions of another adult. Basically, being with her makes me stressed and unhappy, and so I've made an effort to withdraw and only have as much contact as I feel I can manage.

Do you think if you removed the past, or if she had been a perfect mother, that would make her easier to deal with now? Or in your current relationship does she still let you down and rely on you to be the parent? You can't move on from the past if she is still behaving the same.

I think the description of a mother being "not all there" is a good one. It really describes mine. It's frightening to see. She should be "all there" and engaged and switched on, but she's not.
I do wonder how my mother's relationship with my father and now her new partner contributed to this "not all there behaviour". My mum's new partner (whom she's been with for 10 years) seems all sweetness and light, but a friend of mine pegged him as abusive when she visited me once. Since she mentioned it I've seen it myself. I probably wouldn't have spotted it had it not been pointed out to me by an astute friend.
I do wonder how she'd be if she left him.

I have a similar relationship with my mum and the not being there just sums it up the poor woman was abused by my step dad and I felt I had to protect her so he wouldn't kick off then I felt she was letting me down by not protecting me we have a strange dynamic now I see her once a week but I don't feel close to her. Fwiw I 1 adult 1 teen dd
And we are very close.

OP - I think you are being way too harsh on your mother and she doesn't sound as though she was anything like Jointofink's parents. She suffers from mental illness and punishes herself for how she feels she has let her family down.

Instead of analysing your childhood just forgive her as you hope that one day your DD will forgive you your shortcomings (and you will have some, trust me, because you are human). I don't think you need counselling, I wasted too much time and money on that over the years.

You're an adult now so be your own parent; nurture yourself with the same tenderness that you are nurturing your DD.

WRT feeling guilty about your feeling of resentment etc I was given a good tip about this. unless you actually voice these feelings to your mother and cause upset you have nothing to feel guilty about. I resented the role reversal after my father died and the fact that I needed to do the looking after when I felt I never got looked after as a child. Those feelings caused me guilt, but no need to feel guilty you are not upsetting anyone.

Op - have a google for any counselling organisations near you that operate as a charity. Some will offer counselling but only ask for a small contribution to fees - eg whatever you can afford. Also some private counsellors will keep a few slots with reduced rates for people on low incomes. If there is a local counsellor that you particularly like the look of, it might be worth asking.

You make a good point about forgiveness, Constance. But I can't agree that OP is being 'way too harsh'. You have worked through your issues with your mum in therapy - and forgiveness, like grieving, takes time. It's a process.

So I can forgive my mum, feel compassion for her, but I can still feel deeply frustrated and resentful towards her - forgiving her doesn't cancel out those feelings. To this day she doesn't protect me (in the face of some serious family stuff) and never has - to the point that her inaction feeds me to the lions. She is, however, very sweet, kind and loving towards me. It's all she can give and she does it well witha sincere heart.

Forgiveness doesn't put the pain and anger to bed. They can run concurrently. It's not black and white. I think irritation points to something deeper and you owe it to yourself to explore that op.