Can anyone advise or understand why I feel resentment towards my sweet caring mum?

[OriginalHugsy]

Ok so she has had mental health problems a long time and when I was 14/15 she had a breakdown and was In and out of hospital for many years. Growing up I never minded and always cared for her a lob with dad and siblings etc. But when I became an adult, she started to annoy me a little as she was so undecided on everything and never had an opinion, always trying to please everyone all the time. There is probably much more to it but anyway. Now I've had my DC I feel even more resentment and annoyance in the little things she does. Things I resent her for mainly are that I feel she let me down growing up, I had no guidance and no confidence. I know it wasn't her fault but I can't help but feel this way. I also feel let down by her By never having that special mum- daughter relationship that it seems everyone else has! I love my Dd so much that i want a special relationship with her but because I never had it, Maybe I can't give it and that upsets me so much.
I wonder if I need some counselling and if so then what sort? I have low self esteem and im over protective of dd and whenever I see my mum I can't help but feel resentment even though I do care about her. Don't know what I expect from this post but I just needed to get it off my chest. I suppose im upset that I don't have a mother or anyone I can turn to for anything that sort of thing.

Re counselling - research low cost counselling. Also, many therapists offer a sliding fee scale, you just have to ask (the answer is yes or no!) - have a look at the BACP site to find therapists in your area. Research women's orgs who often offer low cost therapy.

I wont lie, you have your work cut out for you on finding affordable therapy, it is not readily available and you have to dig deep. Not all therapists are good, either. Sorry to paint a bleak picture but it's reality I'm afraid - you have to cobble together what you can; ime I have just - only just! - what I need, it wasn't handed to me on a plate.

Also read read and read any literature you can find on the mother/daughter relationship, not just therapeutic/self-help stuff but novels, short stories etc.

Springy - I didn't have issues to work through with my mum. She died when I was young.

OP's mother was ill and if she were to substitute "mentally ill" with cancer and say that her mum was in and out of hospital for surgery/radio/chemo then there would be less condemnation of her parenting.

Yes, you may be right, Constance.

I do feel though that children with childhoods blighted by a parent's physical illness and perhaps death can also feel shortchanged, angry and resentful. Copious examples if said children going off the rails following a parent's untimely death. I hesitate to say this but a deceased parent, or anyone, can be assigned sainthood not necessarily accurately. It is common and a means of coping with unbearable grief and so understandable.

Everything's relative though?

Sorry, that was too tough.

Thanks again for all responses, it all helps as I never talk to anyone about this. I know my mothers mental health has not been her fault and that's why I feel so guilty for feelng the way I do. I don't want to feel this way as I am confused and Its affecting other relationships I have. My mum is so good natured and a nice person. I just can't help but feel sad, let down and envious of my friends who all have mums who are there for them. I didn't have guidance in any of the above pp mentioned, all the big things in life but up until my DD was born, I was the strong one, the one who guided my mum, helped her when she was down but I suppose in a time I needed a mum or someone to help me (first months of my DD's life) I had no one. I had to find my way as a mother with no help from a mother (if that makes sense). I don't mean to be harsh to my mum and it's why I want help to feel better about it all.
I think my mum and dad both just let me get on with things as a child And young adult and now I have my own child, I find it hard to accept they could do that to me. Selfish maybe.

No, not selfish at all.

I have a friend who was assigned the role of the 'strong one' in the family as a child/adolescent. She has huge issues about this still (50+) and as a result has chosen not to have children - "I've done enough parenting".

It is a big deal to have not had proper parenting. If our parents were bodily present but didn't actually do their job - carry our weight, protect us... - and, on top of that, fell into allowing us to carry their weight, protect them... Well, it can really leave issues.

I have to say you are lucky - or unlucky?? - to be surrounded by friends who have functioning relationships with their mothers because ime it isn't the norm. I hear women talking about eg shopping trips with their mums/daughters and I feel I'm hearing about a foreign kingdom in a way - I just can't imagine it. If someone goes on and on, waxing lyrical, I am aware of feeling kind of crushed - I can't stand it, I have to get away./change the subject. I'm genuinely happy for them but it's too painful to hear about this magical land.

And that's after year of therapy! It doesn't stop hurting is the bottom line. Though it comes and goes.

I don't know if it would help but I've googled 'young carers of parents with mh problems' and a lot comes up...

Thanks springy I will do that Google and read a bit later when all are in bed ;)
I suppose for whatever reason it may be, If someone doesn't have guidance from a parent or any parent then it's hard going. I started smoking at 14 and I was caught twice by my parents who Said and did nothing about it. It's also things like that. Is it worth seeing GP to go nhs for counselling for this sort of issue I wonder?

I agree with Springy, I don't think you can just forgive.. it's not a decision you can just make and that's that..

I think it's frustrating and hurtful when you look back and wonder why your parents didn't try harder to guide you. I didn't have guidance from either parent about even simple things like careers or Uni. I was just kind of left to it to decide for myself. Obviously I made a complete hash of it and only worked out certain subjects that I had a liking for when I was late 20's. I look back and think, why didn't mum suggest I do that? It would have been something she knew about and could have guided me, but she didn't, she either couldn't be bothered or was too wrapped up in herself and other things.

My issues with my mum are different to yours, but that similarity stuck out for me.