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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Domestic abuse or denial? my heads a mess :(

46 replies

MummyBtothree · 22/03/2015 10:39

Gonna cut a long story short. Been married 12 years, my parents liked dh at first but several years on, told me they thought I was being controlled a bit. I couldnt see it & dh insisted they were trying to cause trouble. All these years on my ties have been cut with family & friends, he gets jealous if I read a text as he takes it personal. Cant do anything right, not even the way I put the groceries in the shopping trolley. Have no acess to money at all, have to ask for every penny like a child. He doesnt want me to work. Walk on eggshells, 'jokes' that im lazy or a crap wife. Has a few sexually graphic pics he took of me ages ago and has been sending them to his mates & strangers without me knowing, I stressed how degraded I felt, he said its a compliment. Hes got a vile temper & can snap and shout aggressively and call me all kinds of terrible things. I get blamed for it all, its all my fault and im paranoid.

OP posts:
magoria · 22/03/2015 10:43

It abuse. That you have posted means you realise this is not right and have taken the very first step.

Contact your family. Contact women's support agencies. Tell them everything and let them help you escape this person.

SweetGrapes · 22/03/2015 10:45

Of course it's abuse! The fact that you need to ask shows how much he's messed up your mindSad

SweetGrapes · 22/03/2015 10:46

Do you have kids with him?

HootyMcTooty · 22/03/2015 10:49

This is abuse and he's done a real number on you if you need to come here to ask.

Speak to Women's Aid, get help. Try to reach out to your family and friends for support, they'll be glad if you do, I'm sure.

You don't mention if you have DC.

Any man who show sexually explicit photos of you to his mates doesn't love you and doesn't respect you. I'm sorry.

Anniegetyourgun · 22/03/2015 10:50

There's nothing right about any of it. Sending intimate pictures of you to other people is particularly "ugh" but the rest of it is par for the course in an abusive, controlling relationship. Do you have children? How difficult will it be in practical terms to leave? You say ties are cut with family and friends, but if you contacted them tomorrow asking for help is there any chance they would? I suggest it's worth a try.

minkGrundy · 22/03/2015 10:57

Oh OP, he is horribleFlowers
And it isn't your fault. None of it. Sometimes these things happen so slowly and incrementally that we don't notice then suddenly you step back and realise. And on top of the bad treatment the realisation itself can be a horrible shock.

You can leave him. It may take a bit of planning but it can be done. You have taken the first step, seeing him for what his is.

Contact WA. Reach out to your family.

As much as possible try to keep in your mind, it is abuse, it is not your fault, and anything he says to the contrary to try to blame you or excuse himself is a lie designed to keep you there.

Original poster
MummyBtothree · 22/03/2015 11:08

I havent had contact with family for four years, we had a fall out but he made it clear I had to choose. We have three dc aged 13, 11 and 2. I dont know HOW to go our separate ways. I have no friends or anything and my family are 70 miles away. Would prefer to stay here though as my kids are settled and happy. I dont have a penny or access to any money, not that we have any savings etc. Im mentally overwhelmed by the very idea of it all.

OP posts:
chocolatefingersandtoes · 22/03/2015 11:15

Are you sure your kids are happy? Living with a father who is a controlling bully and an abused mother? You're crazy if you think they don't pick up in the way your husband treats you. They aren't as happy as you think they are.

Cherryapple1 · 22/03/2015 11:19

Yes it is abuse. Would you be able to call Women's Aid? I also wonder about the legalities of him sharing pictures of you :( I would also contact your family - I would bet they would be delighted to hear from you and would help you get away from this hideous man. Would you consider moving to be closer to them?

Original poster
MummyBtothree · 22/03/2015 11:31

He's a better dad than he is husband and its never been in front of the kids. He can be lovely and 'normal' alot of the time, hence still actually loving him. Yes my kids are happy, im not uprooting them to another county again. Where my family are is very rural. Here they are thriving at school, have lots of friends and love living here. If I thought at any time my kids were suffering cos of it I wouldnt have hesitated before now.

OP posts:
ScotsWhaHae · 22/03/2015 11:35

Oh darling, he's awful.

Can you speak to your parents? Sounds like they had the measure of him a while ago and will be waiting on the call from you.

Twinklestein · 22/03/2015 11:50

I'm really sorry to hear about how you're living OP.

Your children will be well aware of what's going in in the relationship. They pick up on the atmosphere, the control, the walking on eggshells, they see his attitude to you, his contemptuous treatment, the constant criticism, they see you have no friends and family around you, they are bravely normalising the abnormal because it's all they've known.

Please follow the advice of pps and call Women's Aid.

TisILeclerc · 22/03/2015 12:12

Oh love Sad

Other than the pictures I could have written your post. Your children will not be unaware even if the abuse is not in front of them. It will be only once you are out of the situation that you will realise how toxic it's been for them.

When I emailed my folks to tell them my sixteen year abusive marriage was over my mum broke down and cried. With relief. Two and a half years later we have relocated 200 miles away to be near my parents who help me with childcare so I can work. My kids are happy and settled for the most part. I am free to spend my own money, such as it is. I can choose to have a lazy day if I wish. I can load my trolley any damn way I choose although it is one of my quirks that I do insist on loading it a certain way!

Life is bloody good for me and it will be for you too. Break free and you'll see how good it can be. Pm if you fancy a more confidential chat.

Original poster
MummyBtothree · 22/03/2015 12:14

Im a bag of nerves as I know he will see red, it will turn nasty and 'hit the fan'. Thought about threatening to tell people or even police about him 'sharing' my photos.

OP posts:
Cherryapple1 · 22/03/2015 12:18

A good Dad does not abuse the mother of his children. They will be well aware. Sorry.

TisILeclerc · 22/03/2015 12:19

Don't threaten anything, lovely. Keep your powder dry. Contact women's aid and get their help in formulating a safe exit plan. Keep playing the game for now until you can ensure you can do this safely.

If you have trouble contacting them (I have no idea how safe you are online - my ex used to check my history on everything and check my phone all the time) then I can do this for you if you like.

You've lived like this for too long but a little while longer to ensure you're safe isa very good idea.

Original poster
MummyBtothree · 22/03/2015 12:21

Agreed a good dad doesnt abuse the mother of his kids but in comparison he treats them well.

OP posts:
LumpySpacedPrincess · 22/03/2015 12:25

Your kids will see what's going on and use your relationship as a blueprint for their own future happiness. Sad

I understand how overwhelming it is to leave someone like this as I did it myself many years ago. You need to get out. Start by contacting your family and tell them what is going on, I bet they would help. Contact womens' aid for advice too.

Womens' aid

Original poster
MummyBtothree · 22/03/2015 12:39

Tisil I did pm you but wondering if you got it?

OP posts:
Original poster
MummyBtothree · 22/03/2015 12:59

Im curious at how many responders have been in my shoes?

OP posts:
Nolim · 22/03/2015 13:01

Abuse. No question.

Viviennemary · 22/03/2015 13:02

He is a disgrace. Behaviour way beyond anything that any person should feel obliged to accept as norm. It isn't normal it's very abusive. I'd inform the police about the photo-sharing. Horrible man.

Cherryapple1 · 22/03/2015 13:05

Freedom Programme is good - in person with WA or online is good too

www.onespace.org.uk/learning/

And yes, I have been in your shoes - and it did most certainly effect the children.

Fairy13 · 22/03/2015 13:15

Read Lundy Bancroft inside the mind of angry and abusive men.

Draw an abuser, he's an abuser. I'm sorry. And he will be lovely and loving sometimes, that's the cycle of abuse. I've been there, I had no friends left, I barely saw my family.

It was mostly emotional, I was on eggshells all of the time. Then one day he strangled me because I asked him not to leave our 6 month old alone with a bottle.

I used to dream of a quiet, calm terraced house, just me and DS. Now I have one. Mumsnet helped me amazingly, I did not see the abuse for a long time, even after I made so many excuses for him.

Women's aid will help you.
Do it for yourself, and do it for your children. Whether they know or not (they do) do you want them to know you as this shadow of you? Or as the you you were before he made you into a jumpy wreck?

You can do it.
Feel free to pm me.

feministdog · 22/03/2015 13:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.