Domestic abuse or denial? my heads a mess :(

[MummyBtothree]

Gonna cut a long story short. Been married 12 years, my parents liked dh at first but several years on, told me they thought I was being controlled a bit. I couldnt see it & dh insisted they were trying to cause trouble. All these years on my ties have been cut with family & friends, he gets jealous if I read a text as he takes it personal. Cant do anything right, not even the way I put the groceries in the shopping trolley. Have no acess to money at all, have to ask for every penny like a child. He doesnt want me to work. Walk on eggshells, 'jokes' that im lazy or a crap wife. Has a few sexually graphic pics he took of me ages ago and has been sending them to his mates & strangers without me knowing, I stressed how degraded I felt, he said its a compliment. Hes got a vile temper & can snap and shout aggressively and call me all kinds of terrible things. I get blamed for it all, its all my fault and im paranoid.

Similar but not the same. I managed to change the locks when he stormed out and then he moved on to another woman very quickly, so I was lucky and didn't have any dangerous situations after he left. He simply wasn't interested as he had someone else to leech off.

You will probably need to move out. Do not let him know anything about what you are doing. Stay safe. Contact woman's aid and your family. They will be glad to hear from you and will have been worrying about you all these years. They might come and pick you up whilst he's at work. Take the children, keepsakes and valuables. Get it all ready and hide it away the day before. Leave the rest. Good luck x

Once you are on the other side - free from him - you will one day have a sudden moment when the weight is lifted from your shoulders and you feel a freedom and vitality for life you didn't realise you lost. It will happen. But only when you are free from him.

The crazy thing is I do love him but I suppose that comes with being together 12yr.

Of course you love him sweetheart, I loved mine too. But I loved my child more.

you will find someone who you love more, who loves and respects you.
Think about what you would tell your daughter if she said this to you.

Most importantly, and it is a cliche, you will learn to love yourself.

I promise you, promise you, you will be happier. I used to think 'ahhh, I love him, it's not that bad' - once I was out of it I saw just how bad it was.

Sorry lovely. I've been out all day so I've only just clocked in. I'll go and read now x

Maybe you love him, but he does not love you. I loved my abusive ex too, I felt guilty for being me and apparantly causing him to abuse me, I felt guilty for ending it despite the rather bad violence at the end. Now two years later I finally cut contact between him and the children (it is going to court) and they are slowly blossoming. Except the youngest who blossomed last year. My two oldest have symptoms of ptsd, checked out by psychologist for acting out. We also relocated, new country for them. But now we are free and slowly life is becoming "normal".
For me the weirdest thing is that I have met a man who does love me, he shows it in his behaviour, and the feeling is bliss. I did not know that love was like that, because of the abusive "love" of my ex was full of conditions and what I had to do and how I had to think and feel and behave, and it was miserable! Now it is joyful, and the kids are picking up on that too I guess. To see their mum happy, met with respect in the conversation and opinions valued.
Contact Womens Aid or if you have a local dv outreach unit. Surrey does for instance. Get practical help and advice there and moral and emotional support here.
Cutting of from family is classic. My mum and dad also nearly wept with relief that I finally was able to receive their help.
You can do it!

Many of the women on the Relationships board have been where you are, and we're here to tell you that this is abuse, that you deserve better, and that you can get out and build a better life for yourself and your DC.

You say you don't know how to go about separating. I get that. It will be hard, and it will feel overwhelming at times. But you have it in you, you can do it, and there is help out there that you can reach out to, for example:

• Women's Aid, and Refuge, on 0808 2000 247
• Police, if you need them (eg. to log violent incidents, or concerns)
• Solicitors, to advise you and initiate divorce proceedings
• Citizens' Advice Bureau
• online benefits calculator, so you can see what you would be entitled to as a single parent, and start planning your future household
• your friends and family, who you may have lost contact with, but who will be glad to hear from you and give you moral support if you reach out to them now.

I escaped abusive ex about 20 years ago. Me and kids literally left in the others we were standing in, got a train and moved about 300 miles away. I doubt I would still be alive if I had'nt.
You deserve much better than this fucking twat. Sending pictures of you to friends, how disrespectful

Clothes not others

Thank you everyone for your kindness. The thought of whats in front of me panics me.

Do you have any support in RL, friends etc?

No, nobody at all. I dont have any friends or acquaintances even. Thats why im terrified. Im prone to depression & anxiety and even the thought of being without a car and not getting out or even worrying how im gonna do the food shop and manage the household bills. Ive had nothing to do with the money.

You can learn, love. I had to. I had no idea at all of money. No debit card. No current account. Nothing in my name. I learned.

I suspect once you allow people to help you'll realise that you DO have friends and family. If you contact women's aid and do the freedom programme etc you'll probably find you make friends there. I am still friends with some women from my groups nearly two years later.

You CAN do this. You've come through an abusive relationship. You can do anything you bloody well like.

i've been there too and i would add that possibly your fears about being overwhelmed with returning depressing and anxiety may not materialise - I've been amazed how calm i have felt. I think it's having a home that is mine that no-one can criticise me every single bloody day and just knowing that I can totally and utterly relax. It's also no longer having to plan, no longer feeling trapped. I actually can't remember feeling this calm! And I was getting regular panic attacks just before christmas! Also I have been decluttering the house and wondering why i let it get in such a mess - it showed me how I was feeling before, just unable to do anything, no energy, nothing.

And i loved mine too, still do very much, but it was not a marriage I could survive in and now I am out I can really see that.

Thank you. I really do love him but I know this cant carry on. I wish I hated him! it would be easier.

When it really gets easier OP is not when you hate them but when you no longer give a toss. Not about what they say, they think or anything else. Because it is all bollocks.

you will come to see that and life will be much easier.
You can manage money and if he told you you can't or he knows best, it's bollocks.
You can live without him, if he told you different, it's bollocks.

And friends, you'd be surprised where you'll find them. So many women have been there that you will always find someone who understands often when you say barely anything at all.
And the fact that so many of those women are no longer in that situation, also helps. What seems impossible now, is possible.

you can leave, you can survive this. It does not have to be this way.

Speaking of friends I made friends on MN and it was an enormous help.

So, lean on us.
What would you like help with?
It could be your plan, hand holding to go to WA or just somewhere to rant, to get it out, to sort the bollocks from the real. Whatever, someone here will have been there. And now they are here, to help

I cant thank you lovely ladies enough. As I have no access to a single penny, do you think I should try and contact a family member to see if they can lend me a chunk of money & put it in my account? its gonna get messy anyway but finances have to get sorted anyway.

You can do, if you like B. What's the situation currently? Are you working? I'd say your first step would be to contact cold tax credits to check your claim is up to date. They'll also ensure that your child benefit is accurate. Contact the council to ensure that you're getting the single person's discount on your council tax. There's a website called entitled to which can help you check if you're eligible for anything else. And if you are, do please claim it. It is there for you to use. It is rightfully yours.

I know it's probably very hard, but looking at the time of your post, do ensure you're getting enough rest.

I agree with mink that hate will fade. I think I was very lucky as by the time I pulled the plug I don't think I loved him anymore. I spent a long time with all consuming hate as my constant companion but even that has gone for the most part. I still get flashes of it - he is being such a total arse about money which has had such a profound impact on my parents who have helped to support me and the kids while he gives away our joint assets to any family member he can find. I hate him for keeping his self-employed income artificially low so that the maintenance due for four kids is just over £200pm. I hate him because problems with the kids are inevitably dealt with by me and I co parent with my own parents as he's too busy turning anything like that to his advantage. But those moments are rare. Mostly I am indifferent to him which is a lovely feeling! Incidentally, I'm absolutely NOT indifferent to men in general which I feared was the case for a long time!

How about you set yourself little targets for today. Call tax credits. Then call your mum or whoever you feel closest to. If you feel better writing it down then email them or text them. I chose to email.

As mink says, we're here with you every step of the way xx

Yes, contact your family member anyway. I borrowed money to pay solicitor etc.
Will he leave the family home or do you have to think of getting out with the kids? In which case you need money for an upfront deposit on a rental. Do call Womens Aid or a similar organisation as listed in an excellent post upthread.
About the anxiety and such, I was in a state when with my ex. I thought I was plodding on just fine, but Looking back it was dire. I had crap clothes, didnt shower often, my self esteem was down the drain and the mess in the house was unbelievable. Now, single with 3, one is autistic, and some help from my parents I have a lovely home. Its all hånd me down and toys everywhere, but the relief of being without ex is astonishing. No "conversations" for hours where he lists my faults, no sex pestering, no pushing or shoving, no one drunk and aggressive etc. The calm that has descended is something I never knew existed. Hang in there, it is not you, it is him being all wrong. You have a better life waiting for you.

Contact your family member regardless of the money, although the money will be helpful.

I had great support from an organisation called EIP, I had my own support worker when I left, but they work with women looking to leave, or just living with violence too. She was so helpful, came with me to CaB, solicitors, did work with me around understanding that it was abusive, and issues around child contact. They are with Portsmouth but I'm sure there are equivalent organisations around the country. If you are even vaguely near where I am please pm me (don't say it on here, I don't want you to out yourself) and I would be happy to help as much as I can. Genuinely, whatever you need. If not, we will still rally around and do what is needed. I'll never forget a thread where the woman was being abused and was collected from the train station by a mumsnetter! Get all the support you can.

How are you today OP?