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Original poster

Ffs

31 replies

Lula2515 · 21/03/2015 23:15

Don't know how to link to previous threads..but basically my DP is a complete arsehole. Finally decided today to tell him that I was leaving. He managed to get me to agree to counselling but then tonight did something else and I'd had enough.

Now he's dropped the bombshell that he wants 50/50 shared care of my darling gorgeous baby. The one he's not bothered at all with for the last 5 months. Can he do that? I don't know if he's just bluffing in a last ditch attempt to control me or if he's trying to get out of child maintenance but I'm gutted and scared.

Any advice?

OP posts:
AlternativeTentacles · 21/03/2015 23:23

Bluff. don't let this sway you from getting away.

Original poster
Lula2515 · 21/03/2015 23:35

He's actually got full on plans to move near my mum just so he can have DS 50% of the time. I'm totally gutted by the absolute bastard

OP posts:
AmyElliotDunne · 21/03/2015 23:37

Sorry I haven't read your other threads but rest assured, they all say this. Especially the ones who haven't been bothered previously.

Can you seriously imagine him wanting or being capable of doing full time babycare for half the week?

It's all he's got to threaten you with now that you've told him you're not putting up with his shit anymore.

You do have to accept that if you split up there will be some times when your baby will spend time with their dad, but if they're still young it won't be overnight for quite some time, as I think it's generally accepted that young babies need the consistency of a single primary carer.

Once they are older you may end up having to consider alternatives, but believe me, as a single parent you will come to relish the odd day off, despite the heartache to start with. 50/50 is still quite unusual and even given the saving in maintenence payments, many dads who have previously been uninvolved don't want to take on that level of responsibility for their DCs. If they were interested in being a hands on dad they would already be doing it.

If it does happen, bear in mind that most of us end up sobbing solidly the first night the DCs are away. The next time it's still empty and sad, but a couple of weeks later you get used to it, plan nights out and enjoy the peace. Three years on and I love my DC free night each week and have a gorgeous and attentive man to spend it with.

Don't let his threats paralyse you into staying put if you're unhappy.

if there's honestly anything to salvage it might be worth trying counselling, but it's a long road not an instant fix, so it's important to find the right therapist and to make sure you feel like it's going somewhere, not just stringing you along rather than letting you move on.

Jackw · 21/03/2015 23:37

Highly unlikely, don't worry, it's a ploy to stop you going through with it.

CurlyWurlyCake · 21/03/2015 23:39

Is it actually physically possible for him to afford to move near to your mum and then have 50 50 care.

Does he work, how is he supporting himself financially?

It's a well used threat.

Original poster
Lula2515 · 21/03/2015 23:44

Yeah it is doable for him ...he earns a good wage. I on the other hand earn nothing.

I'm so fucking angry that he wants our son. He's a fucking dickhead and I can't believe he's trying to control the situation like this.

A huge part of me thinks he wouldn't dare give up his precious social life. Or his important spending money. But I'm still terrified that he might go through with it.

OP posts:
YouAreMyRain · 21/03/2015 23:44

Apparently there is a lot of research that shows that 50/50 custody does not work for children as they need a base and somewhere to call home. The courts and cafcass do not support 50/50 because of this.

Original poster
Lula2515 · 21/03/2015 23:47

Really? That's a promising argument. His sister does it with her ex which is where I think he's got the wonderful idea from.

I've already told him I hate the idea but need to bite my tongue and call his bluff I think

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 21/03/2015 23:48

Honestly they all say this. Then they throw their toys out the pram and say they will have nothing (like you are supposed to care about this) and insist that it's YOUR fault that your children "won't have a dad". Err, right, how does that work then.

How old is baby? Are you breastfeeding and has he ever been away from you before? All factors alongside the glaring one - that your "D"H has not cared for him for 5 months.

BertieBotts · 21/03/2015 23:50

And BTW, if he does pull that second move, rest assured that yes your child(ren?) will always have a father, a father who cares more about his own precious ego than about seeing them, this being entirely HIS decision, responsibility and control. Not yours.

Original poster
Lula2515 · 21/03/2015 23:52

No I wish more than ever that I was breast feeding now...I'd do it til he was 10!!!!

The shit bag has never looked after him over night. Think he's managed a couple of hours on his own with him. He either makes him go to sleep or "let's DS cry it out" fucking wanker...45 mins of crying it out is disturbing for a tiny baby

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 21/03/2015 23:57

Breastfeeding or not isn't really relevant anyway for a small baby who has not been away from you and is used to you as a main carer, it's the same thing. Don't worry!

Yes 45 mins of crying it out is not recommended for a young baby, which could go in your favour too.

If it came down to it, it takes months to go through court. Months. Don't panic. The "powers that be" are not going to insist tomorrow that you hand him over for three days at a time. With babies they usually recommend little and often contact and move to overnights only when a fair bit older unless both parents are happy to start earlier and the child is ready.

AmyElliotDunne · 22/03/2015 00:02

A huge part of me thinks he wouldn't dare give up his precious social life. Or his important spending money. But I'm still terrified that he might go through with it.

If his social life is so precious to him and his job involves actually being at work (in which case he'd have to pay for child care to cover those days he's at work, meaning he loses some of that important spending money) it's never going to happen. It's all talk, the bluster of a man losing control. Try to ride it out.

Whatever he says he will try to enforce, it has to be agreed and in the best interests of the child, not whatever is 'fair' for the parents.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 22/03/2015 00:03

Tell him that it's a brilliant idea and you're looking forward to free time/ nights with friends/ lie ins/ having time to yourself. Watch him backtrack.

Original poster
Lula2515 · 22/03/2015 00:16

Drink, that's what I was trying to do but then got really upset. Ended up crying in the loo. He knows my weak spots.

But that's going to be my stance from now on. We're discussing the practicalities tomorrow so I'm going to suggest setting up money etc for the time being until he moves and can have 50/50 contact. Total fucking cunt

OP posts:
AmyElliotDunne · 22/03/2015 00:22

I wouldn't necessarily say he 'can have 50/50' or he might try and hold you to it, but treat it as a serious proposal from him and say you'd like to see the childcare arrangements and will want to meet the person your dc will be spending time with.

BertieBotts · 22/03/2015 00:23

Yes I would not call his bluff so openly. Call him out on it properly - get him to start setting up practicalities. Or just say no. It would take months for him to go through court, if he even can be bothered.

AmyElliotDunne · 22/03/2015 00:24

Talk about the benefits to each of you and discuss how it would all work on a daily basis. That doesn't mean thats what IS going to happen, but it's one of many possible outcomes the one that is literally never going to happen

Original poster
Lula2515 · 22/03/2015 00:26

He said "let's see if we can work it out like adults instead of expensive legal costs" and when I brought up money he said "at least you're finally showing your true colours". We've been together 2 years. He's financially controlling. This just feels like a bluff. But a really scary one

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 22/03/2015 00:36

He hasn't acted like an adult so far, so don't trust that as far as you can throw him.

GatoradeMeBitch · 22/03/2015 01:07

Apparently there is a lot of research that shows that 50/50 custody does not work for children as they need a base and somewhere to call home. The courts and cafcass do not support 50/50 because of this.

Is that still true now though? I have read several times on this board that family courts now look at 50/50 as the most desirable arrangement, and that things are tipping more towards favouring the fathers. Not trying to worry you OP, but legally I think things have changed for the worse over the last year. That said, I don't think the courts would make a baby have overnight visits away from his mother.

YouAreMyRain · 22/03/2015 07:17

[]scholarship.law.berkeley.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1033&context=bglj]]

www.connectionparenting.com/parenting_articles/coparenting.html

www.womansdivorce.com/50-50-custody.html

www.womansdivorce.com/50-50-custody.html

According to a senior social worker, who I spoke to in the last month about this, this is the very latest thinking and at this moment in time cafcass and the courts are not looking favourably on 50/50.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 22/03/2015 07:22

Can you just leave? Like tomorrow? If you move out with your baby and allow him to see him with someone else there (assuming he's an abduction risk if he sees him alone) by the time he goes to court there will be no doubt about who is primary carer.

jonrotten · 22/03/2015 10:10

Mine tried the same. Told him fantastic, I've had a year of no sleep and doing everything while you do jack shit with her.

He's seen her twice in 6 weeks.

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