I feel like I've made the worst decisions in life, to get me to this point.
I'm 27, and have been with my DP for 2.5 years. We live together, but soon he will be relocating for a year due to work, which means we have to live apart in that time. There's little point me going with him, as he will be brought back to this area after the year contract is up, and it would be hard for me to dip in and out of my line of work. My DP has a very balanced view on this - we will see one another every few weeks and then in a year, be ready to buy a home. He regularly says he wants to marry me and sees us together forever.
But...I'm sitting here on a Saturday night feeling utterly crap about my life. My friends are all married or engaged, apart from 2, who just live with their OH's. A few have babies. They all own property. I feel that I am behind on this because both me and my DP have focused too much on our careers, rather than building a life for us. For instance, I have only been in full time work for a year due to the further education I had to get to this point in my career. I have associated debt that is completely manageable and will be paid off by the end of summer, but obviously in many respects I feel behind. I feel like a failure for only just being able to afford my first 'nice' car, that is in-keeping with what my friends have. Even more so, it has got to the point where sometimes I feel sad when it's time of the month. And I'm not a reckless person - there's no way I would want child until I was settled and had bought a home...but it doesn't take away from the fact that I feel so sad when I see my friends all having these experiences.
This feeling is putting pressure on me and DP. I have told him how I feel. His answer is that we will benefit from having worked at our careers soon. (We both have the capacity to earn a lot between us, for instance. By this time next year it would be over 100k). He tells me we will be able to buy a 'much nicer house' after he has worked away for the year (he will be paid substantially more and be able to come back and take a manager's job) - we will have a bigger deposit and a higher household income. He tells me he wants to get engaged...when I ask when, he will say wait and see. Although I feel like he is being genuine, I don't think it's a serious consideration for him right this minute..He seems more excited than this job opportunity than anything else! This has also upset me, as I feel as if we are regressing...we used to live together and pretty soon we won't even be doing that.
I often cry myself to sleep because I feel so left out of things with my friends. I can't fully engage in topics about babies, marriage and doing up a kitchen. As much as I am glad I have the job I do...I want a family and a home so much more. When my DP talks about money as if it will make our lives bigger and better...I know he is trying to make me feel better, but it doesn't. What's 100k in the bank when you don't have full, loving relationships? I sort of wish he wasn't moving out to take this job, and that we could carry on as we are and still be fine. My DP tells me that I should be enjoying this time in our lives while we are young (I don't feel that young!!)...that we can travel a bit and go to nice places and buy a nice home and then think about kids later on. He says he 100% wants children - this is something I have been keen to establish with him.
What do you think? Am I being a complete misery? I know comparison is the thief of happiness...but my unhappiness it isn't based purely on comparison. These are things I truly want and I feel so left behind. I even wake up in the night with my heart racing, being worried about the fact I may never get married and have a family and that time is running out. I don't think money and travelling and luxury makes up for that, even in the short term. I don't want to end up alone and I don't even want my DP to move out. I just want a secure happy life like everyone around me seems to have.
Sorry for the length of this - I hope it makes sense.