I feel left behind and uncertain about my life and future - please help.

[cremegessfortea]

I feel like I've made the worst decisions in life, to get me to this point.

I'm 27, and have been with my DP for 2.5 years. We live together, but soon he will be relocating for a year due to work, which means we have to live apart in that time. There's little point me going with him, as he will be brought back to this area after the year contract is up, and it would be hard for me to dip in and out of my line of work. My DP has a very balanced view on this - we will see one another every few weeks and then in a year, be ready to buy a home. He regularly says he wants to marry me and sees us together forever.

But...I'm sitting here on a Saturday night feeling utterly crap about my life. My friends are all married or engaged, apart from 2, who just live with their OH's. A few have babies. They all own property. I feel that I am behind on this because both me and my DP have focused too much on our careers, rather than building a life for us. For instance, I have only been in full time work for a year due to the further education I had to get to this point in my career. I have associated debt that is completely manageable and will be paid off by the end of summer, but obviously in many respects I feel behind. I feel like a failure for only just being able to afford my first 'nice' car, that is in-keeping with what my friends have. Even more so, it has got to the point where sometimes I feel sad when it's time of the month. And I'm not a reckless person - there's no way I would want child until I was settled and had bought a home...but it doesn't take away from the fact that I feel so sad when I see my friends all having these experiences.

This feeling is putting pressure on me and DP. I have told him how I feel. His answer is that we will benefit from having worked at our careers soon. (We both have the capacity to earn a lot between us, for instance. By this time next year it would be over 100k). He tells me we will be able to buy a 'much nicer house' after he has worked away for the year (he will be paid substantially more and be able to come back and take a manager's job) - we will have a bigger deposit and a higher household income. He tells me he wants to get engaged...when I ask when, he will say wait and see. Although I feel like he is being genuine, I don't think it's a serious consideration for him right this minute..He seems more excited than this job opportunity than anything else! This has also upset me, as I feel as if we are regressing...we used to live together and pretty soon we won't even be doing that.

I often cry myself to sleep because I feel so left out of things with my friends. I can't fully engage in topics about babies, marriage and doing up a kitchen. As much as I am glad I have the job I do...I want a family and a home so much more. When my DP talks about money as if it will make our lives bigger and better...I know he is trying to make me feel better, but it doesn't. What's 100k in the bank when you don't have full, loving relationships? I sort of wish he wasn't moving out to take this job, and that we could carry on as we are and still be fine. My DP tells me that I should be enjoying this time in our lives while we are young (I don't feel that young!!)...that we can travel a bit and go to nice places and buy a nice home and then think about kids later on. He says he 100% wants children - this is something I have been keen to establish with him.

What do you think? Am I being a complete misery? I know comparison is the thief of happiness...but my unhappiness it isn't based purely on comparison. These are things I truly want and I feel so left behind. I even wake up in the night with my heart racing, being worried about the fact I may never get married and have a family and that time is running out. I don't think money and travelling and luxury makes up for that, even in the short term. I don't want to end up alone and I don't even want my DP to move out. I just want a secure happy life like everyone around me seems to have.

Sorry for the length of this - I hope it makes sense.

I wonder how much of your feelings are due to your peer group? At 27, DH (then DP) and I had been together since university, but like most of our friends we were working on careers (and nowhere near achieving salaries like yours), renting rather that buying, having fun while still planning for the future. A few people were already married, but we were just heading into the couple of years of frequent weddings. People didn't start having babies until a few years later when we were in our early 30s.

I would say this was typical of the people I knew who had been to university - the friends who didn't go to university tended to get married/ coupled up earlier, buy houses earlier (no student debt!), and have children earlier. Neither way is 'better', of course, just different.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to get married and have children, but it seems strange that after studying for so long (which I assume means you are committed to your job), your only focus now seems to be marriage and a family.

Do you have friends who are not buried in domestic bliss, but are at a similar stage of life to you (career-focused, delaying marriage/ children for a few more years)? I would gently suggest that while your DP is living away from you, you need to widen your social circle a little or you will end up feeling even more isolated.

And I agree that it is possible to have a career and a family - your friends' comments about a career 'not being everything' actually sound quite judgemental! Are you sure they're not jealous of you?

That's good advice from melon balls.

You are so young OP!! However, I do understand the feeling and sympathise. Practically all of my mates are married with kids and own their own places. I'm single and rent although admittedly I do have a child. Gets a bit depressing after a while though.

A lot of women feel like you do at 30 so why not give yourselves three years? Stop wanting it all now and do some groundwork instead - you've doe loads already!
Three years to go on some fab holidays (can't do that with kids), save money for a house deposit and get on the property ladder, save some more for a wedding or starting a family (personally I'd rank house and holidays way above a car to keep up with your friends. If they have kids their cars will smell of mouldy apple juice and crisps anyhow. as will yours when you have them). Really make sure your career, your finances, your pension etc is all in order.
Think of ways to enjoy this time. I remember being sent to some spas in Sweden for work and feeling lonely and a bit bored. I was bobbing around and realised it may be the last time I ever got to experience something like that (we were TTCing). Now I have two preschoolers I often think back to that day and thank the heavens I went and really appreciated the chance to lie in a flotation pool with a good book for a bit!

phoenixrose314 thank you so much for your post. What you describe is exactly how I feel. It's like time is closing in on me and I don'y know how to change it. Your words have really helped me and given me confidence that things will work out.

ellieQ I have a few friends from work that I see and they do make me feel more 'normal' for want of a better word. I think it;s because deep down I want the family thing, so I tend to look over to my friends who have all that and think 'they're the type of people I want to be.' I think my friends don't realise that little comments they make about my work actually make me feel really down...I don't know why they do it but they always seem intent on mentioning my work and give the impression that I am too obsessed with it/don't have time for anything else. It's ironic really because it couldnt be less true.

Don't panic OP it sounds like you've made fab choices! Getting a career underway and meeting a suitable DP in your 20s sets you up for the rest of your life. Your friends who have chosen against the career might feel happy with their choice now, but at the end of the day the chances are that you'll get the DH and kids as well as the career, whereas when they get to 40 they might wish they'd put the time in when they were free to. It sounds as if you and your DP have discussed the year apart and have talked about ways to make it work, I can understand its anxiety-provoking but you can get through it and a year will fly by. Then you'll be a year closer to everything you want!

You DP is being very sensible and I completely agree with him.

I'm 24. I live with my DP and 2 kids. Although we don't struggle for money, we will probably never own our own house or have any sort of career. I wish I was in your position!

In tw nicest possible way, you don't realise how lucky you are! Good luck op. X

And you have not made bad choices, you have made excellent choices by the sounds of things. It is so so much harder to train, temporarily relocate, put in long hours, or do any of the things you need to to establish a career when you have kids. You WILL reap the benefits of what you are both doing.

I don't want to diminish your feelings but you sound disproportionately stressed when your life sounds pretty sorted.

You have a conscientious partner who is obviously focused and going places and also loves you.

You have friends

Your financial situation sounds secure

You are still very very young: when I was your age I was getting hammered every night, had no partner, massive debts and was moving jobs on a yearly basis.

Comparing yourself to other people is a recipe for feeling rubbish. Your friends with small babies are probably envious of your life.

I wonder if there is something else going on in your life or your relationship which you are unsettled about which is bubbling under the surface...

newnamesamegame I understand your point - objectively I can see that I am fine - my life is better than fine. I just have some big insecurity issues, I think. I thought I had got over it all (used to be very bad), but clearly there's still something going on in my mind that I am constantly worried things iwll fall apart. My main worry now is that my DP wont want me and will get used to a life without seeing me everyday....

The ironic thing is that when I am calmer and genuinely happy, my DP is even more attentive than usual. I just seem to be panicking a lot recently because my DP is moving out.

So are you more anxious about dp moving away or not 'progressing' fast enough? I don't know what to say about dp moving away for the year, but about the not progressing I do understand in a way what you mean. People do want different things out of life and tbh I think it is fine to want a family life at 27 or a 'going out getting drunk young professional' life.

Sorry, don't know what my point was, just saying I think it's fine to want what you want. I suppose the trick it to go about getting it in the best way possible, which in your case means holding out for a year or so and trying to make the most of it!

OP, you are doing fantastically well for your age (if it makes you feel better I'm 27 too, DP and I not engaged after 7 years, no house deposit, no car, no career!), and it sounds to me like you do have a bit of anxiety. It's quite common to experience this in your late 20s, a lot of my friends are feeling this way too. I frequently get upset about my own state of life, but I then remind myself that I'm still young - it will happen eventually! You sound like you have an incredible future ahead of you, try to look towards that if you can.
(I hope this doesn't come across as minimising, and more supportive!)

I think you need to start thinking about you, and your own life, and a life that isn't dependent on someone else. That's not to say that you can't look forward to a life being married and having children. But you need to learn to be self-reliant. The more you're dependent on someone else, the less control you have over your own life, and therefore the more likely you are to become anxious about things.

I'm 36. I desperately wanted kids, and waited until 31, which felt a loooong wait at the time. I have lots of friends my age who have had children only recently and had time to build a career, save money, and are more comfortable than me. I could have waited a bit more andwould still be fine. Now I'm starting to work in something new. I feel a bit old, but then I think of my friendsstarting families at 36 or more and see it's not late for any of these things. Don't rush.

Your set up seems wonderful to me.

You need to - and I mean this nicely - find friends like you. Your friends with babies sound nice, but they'll be there when you have yours, and you'll make new ones. Join a women in business group and network a bit, as well.

The year your dh is away, get planning. Get the calender out and plan the year. Visits, trips elsewhere you both fly to. Get your financials sorted, investing etc. look at courses, mentors and doing things you can do which your dp isn't keen on and friends with babies can't begin to commit to. You're at a different stage to your friends. You have a whole year to play with and a future waiting for you at the end of it.

Sounds to me as if you have spent too much time in the rarified world of further education. Time to get a life.

I think lavender's hit the right note.

Your dp buggering off to do something new and exciting has unsettled you. But the year will whizz by. Create lots of things to do, to look forward to. Travel a bit - get your dp to meet you in Paris for a weekend!

And spend more time with other kinds of people, you'll find that the world isn't full of 20-somethings with cars, houses and babies.

Many, many people would envy you (I know that's not the point but it just might help you manage your emotions).

xx

I don't mean this to be unkind but reading your comment about how you feel a failure because you're only now able to afford a nice car, I wonder if you're the type of person who will always measure themselves against their friends regardless of the situation. I'm just wondering if it was the other way round, so you'd had kids early yet your friends all had careers and were saving up money that you'd be on here posting that you wish you'd had a career and why did you have children so early. Or when you do have children, you'll worry that they haven't got as nice a nursery as your friends' children etc. etc.

I understand being jealous of people. When I see people with loving partners and children moaning sometimes I just want to say to them you have no idea how lucky you are. Yet you're lucky too - you have a good job, a loving partner, you're going to be able to pay off debt quickly, you're going to be able to build a solid future for your children. Enjoy these couple of years child free with your partner because life will never be the same again. Think of this next year or so as your chance to save up, buy somewhere nice and create an amazing future for your future children. I bet your friends' comments about career not being everything is because they are jealous of you and don't want to admit how mind numbingly tedious looking after babies and young children can be so they belittle other people instead.

I'm the same age as you and live with my parents, absolutely no hope of getting a mortgage any time soon, am single after a disaster relationship, still haven't established a good career yet, don't have a car. So if you're a failure then god knows what I am. I get down about it all a lot but someone said to me recently that I have no idea how lucky I am because I have an amazing family who really, really love me. That did make me look at things a bit differently. We're all lucky in different ways and your friends are no more or less successful than you are. I don't think being married or having children is going to give you a secure and happy life, you need to create these things for yourself. I think if you're generally unhappy with your life, you carry that with you regardless of the situation.

I don't think you "being left behind" (and you're far, far from being left behind) is the problem, it's your insecurity. I think you need to work on that before you have children.

Hello Creme

I would like to suggest that you need to put things into perspective !

You have obviously studied for a long time

You have only worked full time for ONE YEAR ! (big sigh, one year...)

It seems that you have great earning potential
I would pay off all debts
Start saving for your goals be that; wedding, house, children, holidays, savings, pension, car etc
All these things take time & effort !

Why dont you read the Mumsnet; money, work & employment forums and see how lucky you are

Your life is your life, make plans to achieve what you want.
Other people will want different things
Do the things that make you happy

Some things in life are worth more than money like good family, friends, good health, laughter, quality time together etc

If you live apart from your partner start some hobbies, join some clubs, volunteer, get a second job, do some courses, skype, write letters, facebook, fill your time. visit friends & family...

Be happy with what you have & put a plan into action

Stop worrying about other people & put your energy into your life

Please provide us with an update in 20 years....

Good luck

Thanks everyone for these responses.

I know I am lucky in many respects, this situation has just thrown me a little bit. I am worried me and DP won't last and my dream of a home and a family will be even further away. I think I have some difficult insecurity problems to work through.

I feel really old and my spark for life has gone a little.

You're 27! You are a baby - honestly!

But I think this is a bit of a wake-up call for you. Don't tether your life and your hopes and expectations around another person. You have to make things happen for yourself, and think about you.