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Original poster

What do you all think about going to dinner with a man on the first date?

35 replies

lottieandmias · 21/03/2015 11:18

Some men really seem to push for this but I prefer a drink for a first date or a coffee - something low key so that if its a no, no not much is lost.

If you do go on a lunch or dinner date, who pays? My experience has been that I try to pay for myself but the man always insists on paying. I had one situation with a man where he was upset by my attempts to pay for myself. Then I started wondering - are there men out there who actually stick the woman with the entire bill????

I think that in an age where we want women to be seen as equal it doesn't seem to make sense to expect the man to take care of the whole bill. But generally I think dinner dates for a first date are a bad idea.

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 21/03/2015 11:21

I don't think it's necessarily a bad idea, but I would usually say "let's have a drink first" and then if it's clear it's a non-starter, you can make an exit before food.

I would always say "shall we split the bill" but yes in my experience men usually insist on paying, which is fine as long as they don't assume they've just bought a shag Hmm

gunnsgirl · 21/03/2015 11:22

Coffee probably better idea in that if you really don't get on, he has bad social etiquette etc, you're not stuck there feeling uncomfortable for too long.

I'd always offer to pay either half or my portion of the bill, but that said if he's asked you to dinner and chosen a restaurant which might be above your means, I'd discuss it.

Dinner dates for a first one, could be fun, but I think I'd stick to a drink / coffee and leave the dinner one until a bit later down the line.

Mistlewoeandwhine · 21/03/2015 11:24

Personally I'd rather go for a couple of drinks - more of an ice breaker plus it is hard to look sexy shoving lettuce into your face. I would always, always go halves on a first date too. With drinks it is easier as you can say ''Oh you got the last round, I'll get this one.''

pocketsaviour · 21/03/2015 11:24

My mum told me last year that a guy who lives nearby had asked her out for dinner to a nice, fairly expensive restaurant. In the week or so before the actual date, he came round for coffee several times or rang her on the phone. She quickly realised they had nothing in common and the date wasn't going to be enjoyable and they were never going to get into a relationship.

She went ahead with the date, listened politely as he pontificated during three delicious courses, waited until he had paid the bill (didn't offer to split it) and then said "Look, I'm sorry but this isn't going to work, I don't think we're compatible."

Then she made him drive her home Shock

And that, ladies, is one of the reasons I don't talk to her anymore.

mammuzzamia · 21/03/2015 11:26

I agree with you. The drinks first, or coffee, would be preferable. Definitely offer to split the bill.

pocketsaviour · 21/03/2015 11:26

Oh, and she was annoyed with him because "he ruined my dinner with unnecessary chit chat".

LastNightADJSavedMyLife · 21/03/2015 11:27

DH arranged our date at 9pm on a Sunday night in the days of early closing, so if we didn't get on he wouldn't have wasted much time Shock

Having spent many a first date realising within 30 seconds we weren't compatible and spending 3 hours trying to make small talk he may have had a point.

I'd push for a coffee, rather than a meal. But I have always paid for myself on a first dinner date.

Original poster
lottieandmias · 21/03/2015 11:39

I don't understand why some people are so keen for it to be food for the first date. It makes it stressful for me, personally.

OP posts:
Latara · 21/03/2015 11:40

pocketsaviour your mum sounds like a 'rinser'! I love that she made him take her out for an expensive 3 course dinner & pay for it all, without even liking him!

I wouldn't stop talking to her just for that though, my mum has done much worse with men & we're still friends despite my disapproval.

OP, if you go for dinner on the first date you've got to be confident about eating in front of someone you don't know (I'm aware that some people find it nerve-wracking to eat in front of strangers).

However you can learn a lot about a man from his eating habits!

Has he got table manners? Does it bother you if he hasn't? Does he speak with his mouth full? (yuck). How does he treat the waiting staff - is he polite, & if they are foreign is he a bit racist? Does he pay for the meal happily or at least pay half... or is he so tight he gets the calculator out?

Finally I always think that if you can stand a man eating next to you then you can potentially fancy him. But then I'm fussy about the way a man eats!

Oh yes, the paying thing... personally I like them to pay or to pay half - i've found that even going for coffee or drinks I end up buying them more than they buy me - my dates tend to be more well off (I'm just an HCA) than me but they are always a bit too happy for me to spend my money on them!

Original poster
lottieandmias · 21/03/2015 11:42

Ewww, I remember someone on mumsnet saying her date slurped wine with a mouthful of food and left food all over the wine glass.

OP posts:
boomerangfriend · 21/03/2015 12:23

I have generally enjoyed dinner dates more than coffee/drink dates. It shows a bit more interest and feels less rushed, it's a nice way to have time to have a decent conversation with someone. I'm the type to spend a bit of time messaging/chatting to men to get to know them before a first date anyway so never had real disasters, and I don't get anxious about food and eating. I find it better than dates to places like films because then you just sit in the dark and end up barely having spoken to the person by the end of the evening.

Usually I have offered to pay half but I don't think I've ever been taken up on it - men often insist on paying and I don't like to make a big fuss over it.

PilchardPrincess · 21/03/2015 12:32

I think you're right.

Stick to your guns Smile

If you meet a man for a drink and you hit it off then you can always go for dinner can't you.

It does seem like quite a long & potentially tricky period to commit to with a stranger, even without the who pays stuff. So if you don't feel comfortable then don't do it.

I would find someone insisting on what a first date had to consist of a bit offputting also, surely it should be mutually agreed.

Trills · 21/03/2015 12:43

Is one drink ENOUGH though?

It's enough to know if someone is a definitely NO WAY, but probably not enough to get past initial nerves and bland smalltalk and decide if someone is "OK but I don't feel a spark" vs "I'd like to see more of this person".

Twinklestein · 21/03/2015 12:47

It depends, if it's a blind date then you may be stuck with a waz, but if you already know someone then you have more time to talk over dinner.

PilchardPrincess · 21/03/2015 12:48

Well no you meet for a drink and if it's going OK you have another and then if it's still going OK say shall we get something to eat or whatever.

I haven't dated for years though, do people make much more fixed plans these days? I used to go to the pub and take it from there.

pocketsaviour · 21/03/2015 12:57

latara no it wasn't just over that we don't speak, lots of other stuff too! "Rinser" is a great word, I'll remember that! Grin

welloverdue · 21/03/2015 13:47

I've had two first time dates this week and both lasted under an hour. I knew before they opened their mouths they weren't right for me but stayed for one drink out of politeness. Thank god I was not committed to any longer.

So no, I would never eat on a first date.

KarmaNoMore · 21/03/2015 13:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mike07 · 21/03/2015 14:31

I never eat on a first date as I'm usually to nervous to eat. I think a drink is more of an ice breaker.
As for who should pay, if I've instigated the date i always insist on paying although it's always nice to be offered.

Wrapdress · 21/03/2015 17:56

I expect the man to pay for everything in the beginning. That may be generational. I'm in my 50s.

My preference is for a Date Zero - which is coffee. But you are right, it seems most men want dinners. My compromise is a casual restaurant place - where you place your order at the counter and they bring it to you. No wait staff. These places don't serve alcohol. "Drinks" is not a date for me since I don't really drink and not interested in a man who does a lot of drinking.

Original poster
lottieandmias · 21/03/2015 18:00

I wonder why so many men are keen to eat? Drinking on a date is a very bad idea - beer goggles! I'm not speaking from experience, honestly Blush

OP posts:
SomewhereIBelong · 21/03/2015 18:10

I married DH because of the way he made me feel so special at dinner on our first date. (well not ENTIRELY because of that but it went a long way...)

He asked me what food I liked, what wine, pre- booked a table (!!) and picked me up promptly. We sat, had drinks there, went to the table - waitress spilled spag bol over his jacket and shirt and he helped her clean it up, being so polite and just .... nice... about it. We finished dinner and he insisted on tipping the waitress because she felt so bad about it.

How you treat others is a great indicator of a good person. 3 decades later I am still sure he was the right choice.

notyetpastit · 21/03/2015 18:12

pocketsaviour Are you really not talking to your Mum because of this?
And that, ladies, is one of the reasons I don't talk to her anymore.
Am gobsmacked. How petty. How she decides to run her social life, whether you agree with it or not, is none of your biz.

iklboo · 21/03/2015 18:19

She says it's just one of the reasons. Behaviour like that can be part of narcissistic tendencies - getting people to fawn all over them with no intention of reciprocation

Trills · 21/03/2015 18:28

I think drinking on a date is a GOOD idea - helps you to be less nervous.

If you don't normally drink it might be a bad idea, but if you do drink readonably regularly you aren't going to do anything silly, you'll just be more relaxed and chattier than you would be otherwise.

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