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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH rarely says 'sorry'

30 replies

mslizzy · 21/03/2015 10:22

That's it really. I can't move on from something without an apology and he just can't seem to do it.

Here is a typical example. He is annoyed about something and he swears at me (as in, fucking hell! I just cleaned that). I said "don't swear at me" and then he is defensive for a while, it deteriorates, I leave the room. An hour later he is over it. As in "do you want a cup of tea love?" with no rapprochement in between. I am still upset so will blank him, sometimes for 24 hours. Usually I either eventually say "you should say sorry and he will say "oh, yeah, I am sorry about that" or I will just get over it and move on with no apology.

I find it gets me down. Sad why can't he ever be sorry? Fwiw I am very quick to apologise if I have done something hurtful.

I genuinely don't know who is being more immature in the above situation (variations of which play out regularly). Please help. Advice desperately needed!!

OP posts:
Fingeronthebutton · 21/03/2015 10:26

I've had this for 34 years, as have most of my femail friends. Men DONT do sorry. Simple as!!!

Seriouslyffs · 21/03/2015 10:27

You blank him for 24 hours? Shock
He's shown he's sorry with the cup of tea. Say 'apologise for swearing at me' and move on.

Seriouslyffs · 21/03/2015 10:29

Yes they do finger. It's not a reflex like with many women and children
but perhaps they minimise what they've done/ don't notice/ forget. Talk to him.

pocketsaviour · 21/03/2015 10:30

So you perceive his swearing as swearing at you? Because I'd interpret your example as "I'm annoyed because you just made more work for me". If he followed it up with "...you cunt" then that would be swearing at you.

If you're blanking him for 24 hours (!) you sound very passive aggressive and immature. Do you have children together?

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 21/03/2015 10:30

Don't blank him!

My Dah can be a bit slow on the old "sorry" front. Woukd obviously say sorry right away if he stood in my foot or something and also wouldn't swear at me to be fair

However, he will give me a cuddle or offer me a drink as your DH does in certain situations where he doesn't feel he was 100% in the wrong. I accept that as his way of saying sorry.

Blanking someone for 24 hours is horrible. I hope you don't have DC as that must be really upsetting for them

Original poster
mslizzy · 21/03/2015 10:32

I do talk to him. He eventually apologises if I start off with "I am sorry I got mad at you yesterday" he will jump straight in with "No, it was my fault. I was so tired" etc. he just won't do it unprompted or within 24 hours.

OP posts:
Joyfulldeathsquad · 21/03/2015 10:33

Men do say sorry!

Don't do the PA stuff it's really damaging. When he upsets you tell him. Don't storm off and sit and sulk , you can waste whe weekends like that.

DP pissed me off this morning. I spoke to him five mins later (after I had gathered my thoughts) and told him why and he apologised. Sometimes he doesn't agree and we will talk about it. But life's too short. I was a massive 'cut your nose off to spite your face' person when I was younger. now I cdmt be arsed. Talking like an adult works better.

Original poster
mslizzy · 21/03/2015 10:34

Am I being really unreasonable? It really does make me sad because sometimes he is really hurtful and he knows it. Why should I have to coax an apology out of him?

Is making a cup of tea an apology? I didnt know that Sad

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 21/03/2015 10:35

Yes, you're being unreasonable. Sulking for 24 hours! Do you really think that's acceptable?!

Original poster
mslizzy · 21/03/2015 10:37

Thanks joyfuldeathsquad that is good advice. I definitely cut my nose off to spite my face. I do waste so much energy and time being mad at him, more for his handling of arguments than the arguments themselves iyswim.

OP posts:
Original poster
mslizzy · 21/03/2015 10:39

I don't know if it's acceptable. I feel very hurt. And he moves on and doesn't address the hurt. I can't seem to just say "oh! Yes please! Love to have a cup of tea!"

OP posts:
SanityClause · 21/03/2015 10:41

My DH was taught, by his mother (that's a WOMAN) that saying sorry is a sign of weakness, and he should never do it.

OTOH, I believe (I am also a woman!) that it is a sign of strength of character (amongst other things) to be able to admit when you were wrong, and to show remorse.

TBH, I think you and your DH could do with some couples' counselling, to get some useful communication techniques. His swearing at you, and your blanking him are counterproductive. You both need to work on expressing your annoyance in a different way.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 21/03/2015 10:42

You're saying he is "really hurtful". The example you gave (and that people are commenting on) couldn't really be described as that. Is there something else going on?

BitchPeas · 21/03/2015 10:47

Sulking for 24 hours is far more damaging than someone saying fucking hell I've just cleaned that.

Sulking is passive aggressive and a form of control.

I lived with someone who sulked like this over perceived slights ie:
He left dirty washing all over bedroom floor for the 9000th time.
I said for fucks sake please put them in the wash basket.
He'd sulk for a day or so because I was so so mean.

I ended up walking on eggshells and basically mute for 5 years. He sucked all the joy out of me, I just couldn't be bothered to speak around him anymore.

Until I had an exit affair and left him. Now that gave him something to really sulk about.

Original poster
mslizzy · 21/03/2015 10:47

Sorry I missed some posts. We do have children. 3 children. They are really great kids. Maybe "blank" was not correct. I guess I am PA though. Quiet and a bit unresponsive Blush He would know I was unhappy with him, I don't think the kids would. Maybe they would.

He is the only person I have ever been PA with. I am generally a very good communicator.

OP posts:
Greta28 · 21/03/2015 10:48

My husband does say sorry when we have a heated argument. He's often the first to say it, followed by mine: I'm sorry, too.

But sulking for 24 hrs?! Sounds draining. Life's too short, enjoy it.

Original poster
mslizzy · 21/03/2015 10:52

gobbolinothewitchescat I don't know if something else is going on. I feel like he is unfairly critical of me generally and I guess I am under a huge amount of pressure. We have 3 dc and I work full time in a professional job that is extremely emotionally draining. For various reasons I manage most of the DC needs (drop offs, childcare fees, feeding and clothing them!). I try very hard to also support DH who is kind of sensitive and anxious. So maybe something that would not hurt someone else (swearing or eye rolling) hurts me Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
mslizzy · 21/03/2015 10:54

I realise now a million posters are going to post "no wonder he is anxious! If you sulk like a baby!"

OP posts:
NickiFury · 21/03/2015 10:56

On this situation alone, you sound like hard work. Eventually he will stop even showing he's sorry because you make it too hard to come back from whatever it is you perceive he's done wrong.

thenextday · 21/03/2015 11:02

My h sulked. And gave me the silent treatment. I'm divorcing him.

Original poster
mslizzy · 21/03/2015 11:07

He swore at me. It was quite rough. I said "don't swear at me". I don't think it would have been hard for him to "perceive what he's done wrong". I don't make it hard to come back. If it any point during the day he had said, or texted, or left a note saying "sorry", even a qualified "sorry but I was annoyed/ tired/ sick of clearing the same mess" I would immediately have forgiven him.

OP posts:
FenellaFellorick · 21/03/2015 11:11

please stop sulking. It's really unhealthy and trust me children KNOW when they have a parent who's a sulker. And it's easy for them to fall into repeating the pattern in their own relationships. And it's a terrible atmosphere that you can cut with a knife.

He is being an arse for not wanting to say the words I'm sorry. Some people just hate to do it. Makes you want to shake them.

You could try changing how you react. When he says do you want a cup of tea love, instead of blanking him, you could look him in the eye and say are you apologising with tea again?

don't sulk for 24 hours before talking about it. That's really just punishing him which isn't helpful and it doesn't even make you feel good! so what's the point?

What about changing what happens at the flashpoint? fucking hell is not the same as you fucking bitch. what about saying language timothy! (showing my age there Grin ) or something.

Look at what's happening, how you're both acting and what you can both do to make changes. See what matters and what doesn't matter, etc.

This is not to say that it's all on your shoulders! Far from it. He's not some poor little victim here who needs to be saved from big bad old you Grin but it's about you both looking at those things that are causing friction and seeing what you can both do to change them.

PotOfYoghurt · 21/03/2015 11:11

I wouldn't consider 'fucking hell I've just cleaned that' as swearing at me though, just the general situation. It never would've occurred to me to take it that way.

Original poster
mslizzy · 21/03/2015 11:13

fenella that's all excellent advice. Thank you. I will try it!

OP posts:
FenellaFellorick · 21/03/2015 11:14

oh, meant to ask - in the example you gave, where he said fucking hell I just cleaned that - had you messed up something he'd just cleaned? Because if he's cleaned something, you mess it up and he says that, then a different way to approach it might be for you to say oh yes, sorry, I'll give it a wipe and don't be a potty mouth!

I know how infuriating it is to clean, say, the kitchen, walk out of it, walk back into it and some bloody sod has left toast crumbs everywhere and the butter out Grin