DH rarely says 'sorry'

[mslizzy]

That's it really. I can't move on from something without an apology and he just can't seem to do it.

Here is a typical example. He is annoyed about something and he swears at me (as in, fucking hell! I just cleaned that). I said "don't swear at me" and then he is defensive for a while, it deteriorates, I leave the room. An hour later he is over it. As in "do you want a cup of tea love?" with no rapprochement in between. I am still upset so will blank him, sometimes for 24 hours. Usually I either eventually say "you should say sorry and he will say "oh, yeah, I am sorry about that" or I will just get over it and move on with no apology.

I find it gets me down. why can't he ever be sorry? Fwiw I am very quick to apologise if I have done something hurtful.

I genuinely don't know who is being more immature in the above situation (variations of which play out regularly). Please help. Advice desperately needed!!

I'm female and your DH sounds like me! I struggle to say sorry to DP, or if I do I will apologise in a half-hearted way that doesn't mean I 'lose face' - it's become a bit of a joke between us now that I will never say sorry or that my 'apologies' are actually more like masked accusations ("I'm sorry you didn't understand what I was trying to say. I should have made myself clearer" i.e "sorry you were too stupid to undrstand what I was saying!")

However, that's not to say I don't feel bad for upsetting him or snapping or whatever. Just that actually verbalising that I was wrong is a massive hurdle for me.

When I feel like we've both made our point I will say "let's just leave it" and make him a cup of tea, which is my way of getting past it, but that's not enough for him and he will still want to do a debrief and get to the root of it all, which usually entails him taking a big chunk of the blame and me nodding along! He has come to accept that he probably won't get a meaningful apology out of me as I'm "stubborn as fuck"

However, blanking/ignoring someone for 24 hours is just childish and doesn't address the problem or put it behind you. It just drags it out. If he was employing this tactic then not only would I refuse to apologise, I wouldn't even feel bad about it internally.

I know how important a proper apology can be - I forgave my XH for being an abusive and unloving arse for many years once I got a tearful and heartfelt apology from him. The acknowledgment that he knew he had hurt me allowed me to move on.

However, for the little things I think you might need to lighten up and learn to let it go. If he's being nice, making you tea and trying to put it behind you (ie not being an arsehole about whatever you've done to make him swear in the first place) then you have to do the same.

Fenella is right, my mother sulked and the atmosphere in the house was unbearable, every had to walk on eggshells until her mood improved. It also meant there.was nt room for anyone else emotions.

It sounds like your sulk wasn't about the swearing, it's become about the lack of apology itself. Which is clearly a big deal for you (fair enough), but you end up looking petty, sulking over his swearing. Have you ever told him how frustrated you feel by his inability to apologise? I know where you are coming from because my DH is the same, very defensive when he knows he's in the wrong and unless I push him, he apologises through actions rather than words!

My dad's mum was (probably still is but she's no longer really in my life) a sulker, Northernparent. She'd take to her bed and everything would be about appeasing her and basically begging her to 'come back to us' and we'd do whatever it was she'd not got her way about that had led to the sulk. You'd censor yourself because you were always mindful that something may lead to The Sulk and her feelings must be protected at the expense of everyone else's

I don't read the OP as being that sort of sulker at all, fwiw, I'm not trying to suggest you're like that, OP, if you're reading. It's just the sentence "no room for anyone else's emotions" just really made me think of my dad's mum.

Thanks everyone. I will take all that on board. I have spoken to DH about his inability to apologise but I think like amyelliot it is just a huge hurdle for him.

Yes, I would not describe avoiding DH as sulking. If I am hurt I usually take the kids out for the day. I talk to him but he would know by my lck of warmth I am annoyed/hurt. I should say again that I would forgive almost anything immediately if he said sorry!