Where to start? I split up with ex-DH 4 years ago, we share our DC's 50/50, very amicable. I then (after some time!) formed a relationship with a man who was part of my local friendship group - I knew him, or rather "knew of" him, as I'd never had much direct contact, his DC's went to my DC's school. He approached me upon learning I was then single, knew a bit about me through our mutual friends. He split from his ex maybe 2 years before.
What has followed is 4 years of lovely friendship, shared interested, huge amounts of fabulous sex to be honest, he restored how I felt about "me" as a woman, has done me a lot of good. He has said it has done the same for him. But it hasn't been easy, we have both struggled in the new landscape of "relationships post marriage", it's so different having intimate relationships with people who aren't the other parent to your children, and having come out of long marriages. We have never lived together; he has children as do I, we are both independent people and to be honest I wouldn't ever move a man into my home when my children (a young teen and a young child) live with me, personal choice really. He feels the same.
Where we seem to come unstuck in cycles, is he sometimes feels he doesn't "feel enough" for me, like he feels he should, and then begins to feel very uncomfortable with the intimate side of our relationship, whilst at the same time loving the friendship we have. Recently I have sensed this creeping up again so have taken a step back.
Last week I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I don't yet know the "full" picture, awaiting the scan results, but I know I have to have the full works - chemotherapy, surgery, radiotherapy. He has been great, has volunteered to take me to my scans, checks I am ok, but I sensed a backing off. So today I started "the conversation". I said that the last thing I wanted was to force him into a role emotionally where he felt uncomfortable, I don't want to rely on him like a boyfriend and the full role that that entails, when he felt uncomfortable anyway, but now I have been diagnosed with cancer, he was now trapped into as he is too damn polite to try and end an intimate relationship with a woman in this position. The last thing I want is someone who feels massively awkward. It went ok, we had a really honest conversation.
The upshot is he said he feels it is his absolute duty to me (as in, he WANTS to) see me through this, that he sees me as massively important in his life, hopes i do too, he wants to take a really active role, but in the end, he is not "in love" with me. So there we have it. There is no way he would have come out with this had I not laid it all out, in a "come on, let's have it, I can sense something is wrong, you need to tell me now, not when I'm half way through bloody chemotherapy" kind of way.
So I'm not sure what my question is. I just feel ..... A bit embarrassed, sad that it took a cancer diagnosis to bring things to a head, and also now I have to go through this as a single person.....even though I have lots of great friends. I don't know. I feel sort of frightened and bereft all at once. Basically, fecking pooballs.