Close friend/boyfriend, and now my cancer diagnosis

[wallaby73]

Where to start? I split up with ex-DH 4 years ago, we share our DC's 50/50, very amicable. I then (after some time!) formed a relationship with a man who was part of my local friendship group - I knew him, or rather "knew of" him, as I'd never had much direct contact, his DC's went to my DC's school. He approached me upon learning I was then single, knew a bit about me through our mutual friends. He split from his ex maybe 2 years before.

What has followed is 4 years of lovely friendship, shared interested, huge amounts of fabulous sex to be honest, he restored how I felt about "me" as a woman, has done me a lot of good. He has said it has done the same for him. But it hasn't been easy, we have both struggled in the new landscape of "relationships post marriage", it's so different having intimate relationships with people who aren't the other parent to your children, and having come out of long marriages. We have never lived together; he has children as do I, we are both independent people and to be honest I wouldn't ever move a man into my home when my children (a young teen and a young child) live with me, personal choice really. He feels the same.

Where we seem to come unstuck in cycles, is he sometimes feels he doesn't "feel enough" for me, like he feels he should, and then begins to feel very uncomfortable with the intimate side of our relationship, whilst at the same time loving the friendship we have. Recently I have sensed this creeping up again so have taken a step back.

Last week I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I don't yet know the "full" picture, awaiting the scan results, but I know I have to have the full works - chemotherapy, surgery, radiotherapy. He has been great, has volunteered to take me to my scans, checks I am ok, but I sensed a backing off. So today I started "the conversation". I said that the last thing I wanted was to force him into a role emotionally where he felt uncomfortable, I don't want to rely on him like a boyfriend and the full role that that entails, when he felt uncomfortable anyway, but now I have been diagnosed with cancer, he was now trapped into as he is too damn polite to try and end an intimate relationship with a woman in this position. The last thing I want is someone who feels massively awkward. It went ok, we had a really honest conversation.

The upshot is he said he feels it is his absolute duty to me (as in, he WANTS to) see me through this, that he sees me as massively important in his life, hopes i do too, he wants to take a really active role, but in the end, he is not "in love" with me. So there we have it. There is no way he would have come out with this had I not laid it all out, in a "come on, let's have it, I can sense something is wrong, you need to tell me now, not when I'm half way through bloody chemotherapy" kind of way.

So I'm not sure what my question is. I just feel ..... A bit embarrassed, sad that it took a cancer diagnosis to bring things to a head, and also now I have to go through this as a single person.....even though I have lots of great friends. I don't know. I feel sort of frightened and bereft all at once. Basically, fecking pooballs.

I think Theoriginal is right. Your job is to fuck off the cancer and if he wants to help then that's brilliant.

Wallaby firstly wishing you the very best health wise.
He will probably realise he does (did)love you when you move on.
The grass is always greener!

Good luck for tuesday, if it helps i had grade 3 no hormone recetptive her2+ which was not ideal, I have to say, but the treatments these days are incredible . I also had a mastectomy and had an implant which has been rejected so i look a little odd chest wise but i really can;t be arsed to go and have the flap reconstruction ,esp given that I am separated and not looking to meet anyone. So if i were you and you need a mastectomy then definitely do the flap option, I went for the easy implant option and now that I'm through al the treatment i really cannot face going back into hospital. My surgeon tries to convince me everytime i see him and he says he has women come in that you cannot tell which is the fake breast, the reconstruction really can be that good. I was relieved to have a mascetomy in the end, just felt safer.

and the hair thing - not an issue , it grows back! I got a wig and no-one noticed (except when my 1 year old pulled it off my head during a soft play session - stood there holding it with a huge smile on her face - cringe).

At the end of the day, I really stopped giving a damm about the physical stuff, I like to keep fit now but having a weird body is a only a slight annoyance.

Previous poster is absolutely right in that it changes everything about how you view the world and i also lost a load of friends who just randomly disappeared. It makes you value the right people and things.

You'll look back in a year and I bet you'l lwonder why you were worrying about this guy, really. You'll be so strong .

also you asked earlier if he might just end sticking around to look good - he won't because it's fucking hard and i really don't think people who are solidly there for you during cancer treatment are doing it to look good. If he's there, and he helps, he's a good un. If not, it does;t mean he's bad, it just means he's like most other people!

A friend from work who I really only knew from the office sent me the most wonderful email during my chemo, where she was the only person i felt got it - and then she came round with an incredible spread from her trip to france the previous weekend - loads of smelly cheese = v good when you feel a bit sick!! Sometimes the most amazing friendships can come out of nowhere. What will be will be with him.

During chemo I had a drug to protect my ovaries (as I was quite young) which put me in to temporary menopause. I have to say I couldn't have felt less like sex, and that lasted for a while. But that could be just me.

My OH has had Cancer twice in the 6 yrs we've been together. He's been clear just coming up to 3 years. The second time he had Cancer I was heavily pregnant with our son. Thankfully his only treatment so far has been surgery, no chemo etc.

Over the past few months he's been having head to toe scans, biopsies, the whole works for suspected bowel cancer. Thankfully again it all came back clear.

At no time during the last 6 years have I wanted out, it's been damn hard, especially with a young child (he's now 2.5) and I thought we had something special.

But guess what, he ended it last week, evidently doesn't love me, only been staying because of our son and waiting on the test results. Guess he's been given the all clear, moved up to 6 monthly checks and no longer needs me.

It's broken my heart, it's already hurting our son. Our home went on the market today, I'm being put out of business at the same time as I work from home.

I don't know what I'm trying to say really. I guess these things are sent to try us and having to deal with these things as a single, with kids and zero support is really hard.

Hello Wallaby

You said you both ended long relationships

You both put up barriers in your new relationship together

You dont live together, you are both independent

Some people will help if there is an illness, some people run the other way

Being ill puts a different perspective on to your life

Take positive comfort from your family & friends if they offer you support - if your partner is one of these all well and good

Love comes in different forms - eg being there for someone when they are ill

Look after yourself, it should be your top priority, one day at a time

Good luck with your treatment

Wow and wow again, I wish I could thank you all personally. You have all made a huge difference here, he isn't the centre of my story right now, as you all rightly say, but this is part of my jigsaw. Those of you who said we have both exited long relationships and have therefore put up barriers.... Bang on. For what it's worth, his marriage ended due to his wife's infidelity. Yes. It seems we do have very differing templates for our definitions of "love", personally I think he has some sort of Disney / Cartland version in his head, and can't see what is right there in front of him. But it isn't my job to make him see otherwise, I have bigger fish to fry.

It appears he is in it for the long haul support wise. So my priority is my health and getting through this, getting my children through this, and at the end of all that, which is a massive "journey" (apologies to Simon cowell, no, in fact, he should apologise to us!) if he is still loitering, I shall re-evaluate at that point. But I suspect I may come out the other side a different person.

I really appreciate those of you generous of spirit to share your experiences of cancer, I know I am at the very start and brink of a life changing process. Worrying about where the bloody cancer could have gone, how I'm going to pay my mortgage, should I try the cold cap or just bugger that and let the hair go, it's all a brain mush right now. But thank you all xx

Right. I talk from experience, although I had a different type of cancer.

You need to concentrate on you, and getting better for you and your DC. It will be a shitty tough ride, and it really does hekp if you're surrounded by people who care for you and who will help to look after you and your DC.

Don't push any support/friendship away, take everything you can don't be a martyr. It's a lonely isolating journey.

I lost friends and family due to my 'c' journey, they didn't know how to react and weren't very supportive I just felt my whole diagnosis was about them and their feelings, I would have gladly taken the support from anyone who had offered. The word 'c' scares a lot of people, if your friend says he wants to be there for you let him, even if it doesn't bring your relationship closer, so what, at least you've not lost a good friend.

Re the cold cap, I had high dosage chemo and lost my hair - I wasn't too bothered at the time when I had to shave it off, the thing that upset me most was post treatment when I looked at myself in the mirror with short hair as it was a constant reminder. It took what seemed years to grow back to how it was, even though I had it cut short when I first started chemo.

From experience try and take one day at a time. Re bills, mortgage ect ring your bank and let them know what's happening, same with utilities and creditors. If you don't feel up to it, ask a friend or family member or CAB to speak to them on your behalf.

Unfortunatly if you're working and earning a good wage there's no benefits you can claim, other than the prescription exemption.

Macmillan have benefit advisors who can advise you if you're entitled to benefits and a one off grant to help pay bills ect.

Any questions you have about your treatment, worries or concerns write them down and speak to your consultant or specialist nurse about them.

One peice of advice I can give you is to remain positive, rest as much as you can and look after yourself. I know it's easier said than done, but I truely believe with a positive outlook you'll beat this thing xxxxx

Wallaby wishing you all the best.

Hi Wallaby (and Sus. Smudge and Passthe wine). Morning! Another day's membership of the club we never wanted to join. Wallaby- hope you're OK today. I'm so glad everyone's giving such good advice and being so supportive to you. Wallaby you say that you have children. Much love and hugs to them.
As other posters have said, cancer provokes a strong reaction in other people. I will not regale you with personal stories as I don't want to thread hog or depress you. Your 'journey' (thank you Simon Cowell) is unique. You may be 'strong' on some days but others you will feel like shit. If you feel like crying let it all out. I spent too much time putting a brave face on to spare the feelings of other people. If you want to vent come on here.
F and blind as much as you want. I'm sure nobody will mind.

Morning, and thanks ladies. Today I am feeling inexplicably ANGRY and so have removed my mobile phone from easy reach, as I do feel like telling him to to be very intimate with himself, feeling very cynical, however I realise this, erm , tsunami of anger may well be misplaced.

Very very nervous about tomorrow - even on the radio it's cancer awareness, life insurance, funeral plans everywhere! But, as you have said, I give myself a virtual slap at these moments and make myself "get a grip";'hopefully this is caught early and they can nuke me and extract the bugger. Positivity and all that.

Yes you will go through so many emotions hun, also if they give you steroids or hormones ect these can mess with your emotions too. It's fun... Luckily I could still drink when I was in chemo, it helped terribly!

Best thing to do is take one day at a time, and if you're struggling don't forget to speak to your specialist nurse and ask if there's any complimentary therapies they can refer you to.

When I was in hospital there was a holistic therapist who came into hospital, which was great. They also did a look good feel great thing where you got free make up samples and shown how to do your makeup, and use head scarves (if you want to go down that route) I got a wig, as it was winter and its suprising how much you feel the cold with no hair.

Be kind to yourself and also perhaps look into things like meditation. I've just started doing an app cold headspace which is good

Good to hear from you on the thread. You're bound to be angry but it may be misplaced. I took my anger out on someone at this very stage. Good luck for tomorrow.

How did you get on today?

Hurrah, good news! Bloody hell, that ten day wait knowing you have cancer but not knowing if it has spread......the fear is like nothing else, it leaves you silent. But : I am clear everywhere else, hurrah! And fecking hurrah again!! It has a Ki67 of 10% cell proliferation, which is great, it's slow growing, and not usually what women my age get, (41) it's usually much more aggressive. It's called "invasive ductal " i think.

So, it's full steam ahead, I'm having a marker put in tomorrow, so when I get scanned after the 5th cycle of chemo, they can see where the tumour is, or was - if it shrinks enough not to find it. Christies on Tuesday to meet with the chemo doctor, and I'll start 2 weeks tomorrow.

As for my "man situation", well, he is still adamant he is absolutely there, but I just have to be wary he isn't getting everything he wants and his way - me remaining close to him but not being a "girlfriend" kinda soothes his conscience a bit I think. But that whole issue whilst on my mind it isn't the top most thing at the moment. You women have been amazing! Xx

wallaby am another one who's been there and I had the wonderful support of my new partner at the time. He was a total godsend. My family were overwhelmed mostly, so there was pretty much a mutual looking after thing going on.

I also received amazing support and strength from an online support group I teamed up with via the BCC forum. I know of so many cancer patients who team up, either via their hospital, or online. I wouldn't have been without them.

About two months after my treatment finished and I was starting to get myself back to the new normal, my partner ended it with me. With hindsight, he had been my sole ever-present source of emotional support, so my friends were able to just pop in and out. I fell apart and it took a fair while for my friends to even realise that they needed to pick up the pieces, because they were not used to it being necessary.

So my advice is not to rely on your "man friend" emotionally, whilst accepting all the practical help he offers. Seek out your emotional support from other people - a couple, at least. As others have said, cancer does cause all kinds of people to drift away, whilst others step up to the plate. But my concern is that you should protect yourself from a situation which is already wobbly.

All the very best wallaby & take good care m'dear x

Good to hear from you wallaby Have been thinking about you a lot. Hurrah it's not spread. I don't know anything about chemo personally because I didn't have it. Wish you strength and courage to face up to the buggering thing. People say things like cancer patients are brave but no we're just ordinary people who have to face up to something we did not wish to have. You sound lively and feisty. It's that attitude which will keep you going.
Dx

I know so little but what you've said sounds very positive. Wishing you all best wishes.

Hurrah! What is so amazing also is how things have developed since i was diagnosed 6 years ago! I just had to wait and see if it had spread- none of that technology (and i was at the marsden). So cancer treatment is just getting better and better thank you scientists!

So "all" you have to do now is focus on getting through the chemo and like all things in life it will pass. It's not as bad as you imagine, i only really suffered during the last two to be honest, and then only during the actual treatment because my veins were shot to pieces. I had a 6 month old baby and I coped so you will with 2 at school? SO much of it was tiredness. best just to sleep all you can.

Another tip for chemo is to get the holland and barrett aloe vera mouth wash - stops ulcers.

and i found the cold cap a madness - so you're already having poison pumped into your veins and then you wear an ice cold vice on your head - no thank you ma'am. I lasted about 2 minutes in it! Just shave it off and be done with it and get a wig!

The chemo for me was not the bad bit - it was the not knowing if it may have spread, and of course you'll still worry but you've got a pretty good bloody result there - and as it's slow growing it;s massively unlikely to have spread.

brilliant news - best I;ve had all week by far !xxx

oh and what derxa said about being told you are brave - nothing more annoying than being told you are brave WHEN YOU HAVEN'T GOT ANY BLOODY CHOICE!

sorry been on the wine tonight. much luck to you with everything

The tamoxigang threads are a brilliant source of info and support- dome wonderful knowledgeable folk on there.

Yay! Glad it's not spread! You will beat the b@stard!

Re your man situation - this thing will either break or make you, so my advice is to concentrate on you and getting better x

Thanks ladies - sus, exactly! I've said that from the start, anyone who has even hinted at the word "brave" I've told them it's a bollocks, people in this situation have no choice, you can't get round it or burrow underneath, you have no choice but to go through it. And as for the cold cap, have already sacked the idea of that off, I can't bare to wash my hair in cold water, so the idea of having a freezing cap on my head, I don't think so. Let it go and rock the sinead look for a while!

Go Sinead!!!

So, just thought I'd update. I've had my first round of chemo on the 9, almost 2 weeks in now. 2nd lot next week.

So this person I told you about.......turns out that maybe a couple of weeks before I was diagnosed, he signed up to a dating agency whilst we were still together, and his thoughts were he'd put out a few feelers, see how it went, and if something blossomed he'd tell me. As it was just meeting for coffee, it didn't matter as apparently that's not wrong. Nice. I found this out a week ago, a week into my treatment.

It kind of puts my "post diagnosis pre treatment" chat into a different light doesn't it - he had already started looking around, hadn't told me, and this was his opportunity to kind of be half truthful and step away a bit. Once I was diagnosed did he put a halt to all this for just maybe a handful of weeks? No, he didn't, he went on a date 3 days after I was diagnosed.

Yesterday I found out the lot, and he tried to minimise it, tried to say he loved and respected me and "was going to tell me". He wasn't, he has been self indulgent and lazy. I am no shrinking violet and he says he was "protecting" me. I call that lying. So i