Passive Aggressive partners...

[Rachel909]

Hi all,

I'm new here. I have no one else to talk to about my husband who I feel is passive aggressive. He has many classic symptoms of this, despite being lovely in many ways. Over the past few years there have been many comments which are know in my heart aren't right. They make me feel angry/deflated/sad, but they are batted off, or turned around and made my fault - i.e - I am the crazy/sensitive one.
I am sitting here with our four month old baby upstairs, about to buy a house together and my instinct is telling me this isn't right, that it shouldn't be like this. The problem is...his comments are very easy to disguise/pass off as normal. But I believe there is hidden meaning.

Here's the example from this morning. I am not well at the moment and have had an episode of a long term health problem, due to going back to work too quickly after having my DD. On Tues I said to OH I was going to get someone to help with the ironing as it has been piling up.

This morning:
Me: I have someone coming Sunday to pick up some ironing.
Him: (Smiles)
Me: Why are you smiling?
Him: Just thinking it's funny that you can get things done quickly when you put your mind to it.

Where is the: "That's great, honey!" response? Why a smile/smirk and implied comment. To me, there is an undertone of :hmmm...you can manage to get someone quickly to do the ironing, but not do it yourself. Am I being paranoid here? Is this post natal hormones?

When I confronted him, he got angry and said I was paranoid and needed to get a job.

He says it was meant genuinely, but why do I not believe him?

Please help, I feel like I'm going crazy... Is this comment as genuine as he makes out?

Am I being crazy?

Rachel

I think the undertone is worse: I think he's implying that you don't get things (the ironing and more) done, because usually you don't put your mind to it. Patronising and puttting you down.

He wants you to get a job when you've a 4m old??

Btw most ironing is not necessary!

Send him a link to what a passive aggressive man is and tell him that's who he is.

Google will bring it up for you.

Thanks for the reply Silvery PussyCat.

Yes, the undertone is horrible. The job comment is him suggesting I am going crazy because I am not working, therefore just sitting around being paranoid about his "innocent" remarks.

It's passive aggressive for sure...I just don't know how I'm going to deal with all of this..

Quitelikely - I have done exactly that before funnily enough! He said I was being "dramatic".

Thanks for this....you are validating my feelings. I'm feeling a bit stronger now...:-)

Agree with SilveryPussycat.

I've no doubt he meant it genuinely, he's clearly genuinely an arsehole.

If your instinct is telling you 'this isn't right, that it shouldn't be like this', I've no doubt your instinct is correct.

Thanks Twinklestein...the comments is even more hideous written down and yes, genuinely freaking patronising.

I have a four month old daughter and we are in the process of buying our first home...where do I even start? :-(

Start by calling a halt to the house buying before you get in any deeper!

This is the book you want, if you haven't already got hold of a copy (the author also has a website with some useful articles on the subject). I would bet good money that your DP is in it, along with several other people in your life. We've all met 'em.

Oh wow, that is really quite nasty. There is no way that comment can be construed as genuine, especially not with the "bitches be crazy" follow-up. Ugh. The only advice I can give you re coping with passive aggressive wankers is to never EVER take them up on it. Their strategy is this: they come out and poke you with a stick until you get angry so that YOU are the "difficult" person and they are the picture of wounded, headshaking innocence. Try not to play along with this. Here's another way your conversation might have gone:
Me: I have someone coming Sunday to pick up some ironing.
Him: (Smiles)
Me: I know, exciting isn't it?/nothing/big toothy smile back
Him: Just thinking it's funny that you can get things done quickly when you put your mind to it.
Me: yes/were you, dear?/nod/more smiling
And wander off, still smiling vaguely.
This can work as a coping strategy, I'm sure other, far more clever people will be on here soon to advise on how you can actually fix it.

Just bought the book, thanks Annie.

Ugly Swan...I have read before that that's the way to deal with it, but I am always caught off guard...and get so incensed at the hurtfulness of it (which is playing into his hands, I know.) Then yes, he becomes the headshaking innocent.

He has just text (having had the morning to think about a good excuse!) and said " I was smiling at how quickly you managed to get things sorted out, given the day you had yesterday" . What a liar! He is insulting my intelligence and trying to pass it all off as a compliment. If he wanted to say what he is suggesting he meant, he would have said just that! And I would have come away feeling all warm and fuzzy, not hurt and sad.

SilveryPussycat

Btw most ironing is not necessary!

How do you mean? You can't go out looking crumpled? Do you have ironing avoiding tips?

OP

I agree with SPussycat's first reply to you.

Please but a hold on the house purchase. Once he has you tied to him financially he will definitely crank up this horrid manipulative behaviour.

Just say yoh don't feel well enough to handle a house move at the moment and would prefer to wait until dc is at least one. He may come back at you with all sorts of reasons but just keep repeating this over and over again. Better to have a few arguements and some sulking than financial handcuff which will make everything more complex. He is playing a power game at the moment & he clearly thinks you have none, but you do.

Don't let him walk all over you.

Rachel909 there was a very informative thread about PA partners on here recently. It was called something like Anyone else turned into an angry banshee after living with Mr Nice = Passive and Agressive? I'd recommend that you read it - and the book called Living with the Passive-Agressive Man which is available on Amazon. I can't remember the author's name.

Good luck. As you will seee from the thread, my XH was PA. I call him on his behaviour whenever I have to interact with him these days (which isn't often, thank God ) but he'll never change. In his own mind he is a Master of the Universe.

Ah, it's reappeared on the front page! You won't have to scroll back, now

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2275725-Anyone-else-end-up-as-an-angry-banshee-after-living-with-Mr-Nice-passive-irresponsible?pg=1

@SelfLoathing careful tumble or line drying - reshaping before hanging/putting in drier, then careful folding or putting on hangers can produce acceptable results. I used to just iron (some) work clothes and (a few) school clothes. (I am not alone in this - often see it on MN!)

OP I was married to an emotional abuser, he was skilled at wrong-footing me to the point where I would lose it. Didn't realise quite what was going on till found MN, now he is an Ex. This became a pattern over decades. Maybe it is early enough in your relnsp that you may be able to change it - but I never found a way.

Nothing makes me want to smash someone in the face more than a bloke smirking at a woman. My cousins dp does it to her all the time. My FIL does it too to his ex wife.

Call him on it it all the time . Laugh at him when he does it. Start doing it back to him. Gives me the rage

If it doesn't feel right then it isn't, please halt the house buying process.

Another undercurrent is that your priorities are wrong, you were wrong to prioritise sorting out an ironing person despite the fact the reason for needing one is your ill health - how dare he say that isn't important and not a priority!!!!

Thanks Silvery

I posted on the 'Mr Nice' thread last night as just realised this describes my DH. What I find most enraging is the pompous, self-righteous tone these kind of comments as mentioned in the OP here are delivered in, but of course, if you try to pick someone up on the particular way they say something, then you are obviously crazy, imaging it etc. Grrr.

My STBXH was described in one of our counselling sessions as PA....I found a really useful list of traits on the counselling directory website ( Google passive agressive definition...sorry I don't know how to post a link!) It ticked a lot of boxes for me...although he was never really unpleasant he definitely made me feel like my expectations were unrealistic and I was constantly seeking confirmation from good friends that it was him, not me. Not a nice or healthy way to live!

www.counselling-directory.org.uk/counsellor-articles/what-is-passive-aggressive-behaviour

Passive aggression is DESIGNED not to be called out. That's what it's for. It's so people can be arseholes without ever putting their heads above the parapet.

The trick with people that you have to deal with who are PA (bosses, MILs) is to kill them with kindness but never give them what they want. Bear in mind that you don't actually have to deal with this. You can walk away.

Or, if you really want to mess with people, ask them, "I think you have an unmet need. What is your unmet need?" I've had so probably not a good strategy in RL.

Oh OP, I get it.
H and I will often be having a perfectly normal conversation and he will turn away, take a few steps and mutter something under his breath.
I have TRAINED myself not to respond, because that's what he wants.
It's frustrating.

Hey everyone...thanks so much for replying. Sorry for the delay in replying, I have been away licking my wounds and trying to come to terms with what's been happening. Well, after a recommendation, I read Lundy Bancroft's book. This was an eye opener. For so long I have been dealing with behaviours which cut me to the core and although I knew they were wrong, I didn't realise they were EA. I now know they are. Suffice to say, more erupted when I called him out on this, along with the unsavoury approach of it being all my fault. My experiences as a child have made me more "sensitive" to this stuff apparently and my anger became the sole focus of the conversation. Thankfully I had read the book in its entirety and could almost tick off everything in there, not least his lack of responsibility for the humiliation and disrespect he shows through mockery, contempt and various other PA tactics.

I've had enough. I told him I'm done. He begged and pleaded on text, saying he was so sorry for he damage he has caused to our marriage. I decided to hear him out when I got home, but it didn't take long for the mask to slip and soon he was back to his old ways...cleverly (in his mind anyway) listing all the things he is responsible for, - "deflecting, bulldozing, sneering, smirking, eye rolling, mocking" with an air of a shopping list and a few PA sighs along with it. Then saying he "I just told you what I'm responsible for!" Does he think I'm stupid?

We have a four month old daughter and there is no way I am bringing her up to believe this is ok. I also caught my 8 year old step daughter dishing out some serious PA to her younger 6 year old sister at the weekend. Complete with eye rollng, sighing, contempt, mocking, when she was supposed to be helping her with homework. When I asked her why she was treating her sister like that, she said she was angry with her. Where has she got that from I wonder? He got divorced when she was four, so I can only assume she absorbed it in his first marriage? They haven't witnessed too much in our house.

I've said I want to separate. In my mind I hope he'll change, but in my heart I don't think he will. I wish I was wrong. I am numb at the moment, truly shocked at what is essentially abusive behaviour. Even now as I type I think I'm being "dramatic" like he says, but the book is a lifeline.

He has said he won't move out. We have a tenancy til August...what am I going to do?

Thanks so much for the support...

Rachel