Passive Aggressive partners...

[Rachel909]

Hi all,

I'm new here. I have no one else to talk to about my husband who I feel is passive aggressive. He has many classic symptoms of this, despite being lovely in many ways. Over the past few years there have been many comments which are know in my heart aren't right. They make me feel angry/deflated/sad, but they are batted off, or turned around and made my fault - i.e - I am the crazy/sensitive one.
I am sitting here with our four month old baby upstairs, about to buy a house together and my instinct is telling me this isn't right, that it shouldn't be like this. The problem is...his comments are very easy to disguise/pass off as normal. But I believe there is hidden meaning.

Here's the example from this morning. I am not well at the moment and have had an episode of a long term health problem, due to going back to work too quickly after having my DD. On Tues I said to OH I was going to get someone to help with the ironing as it has been piling up.

This morning:
Me: I have someone coming Sunday to pick up some ironing.
Him: (Smiles)
Me: Why are you smiling?
Him: Just thinking it's funny that you can get things done quickly when you put your mind to it.

Where is the: "That's great, honey!" response? Why a smile/smirk and implied comment. To me, there is an undertone of :hmmm...you can manage to get someone quickly to do the ironing, but not do it yourself. Am I being paranoid here? Is this post natal hormones?

When I confronted him, he got angry and said I was paranoid and needed to get a job.

He says it was meant genuinely, but why do I not believe him?

Please help, I feel like I'm going crazy... Is this comment as genuine as he makes out?

Am I being crazy?

Rachel

I sent my stbxh a link to a page describing passive agressive husbands and he recognised himself and is trying to change his ways. Time will tell.

Hey Calleigh Doodle,

Time will tell for sure.

I did the very same thing last year and he promised to address is, but it slowly crept back in and is worse than ever now. I honestly don't think he can help himself. It's learnt, very ingrained behaviour. He seeks to control and dominate the conversation/conflict through it and it comes so naturally to him, I find it hard to imagine him not doing it. It's exhausting though. He also gaslights terribly, standing there, pretending I didn't say what I just said five seconds ago. Then if I so much as move my eye, he jumps all over me saying I'm being passive aggressive. It's unhealthy and wrong...

I hope things work out for you..I don't have the energy for this...

It is possible to rewrite things. However, it takes a massive amount of work, he needs to want to and he will need to address the whys and wherefores of it. Chances are there is some stuff in his family about his needs never being met. He may need to look at his childhood and reassess everything.

The problem with passive aggression is that dealing with it is like punching smoke. Gaslighting is the worst manifestation. It's lying, treating you with contempt and removing your power. All at once.

Personally I think if you've identified it as EA and you've tried to work with him once, separating is the logical thing to do while he either tries or doesn't to work on it. If he tries to work on it, you can salvage something. If he doesn't, you know where you are.

Personally I think your pregnancy hormones are making you over sensitive, so he thinks your lazy/crazy what ever for getting ironing done by another person

Hardly grounds for up sticking and leaving

My hubby would be be exactly the same , babies are tiring but you can still find time to squeeze in some housework.

I think if you leave you will regret it. The first 12 - 18 month of a new baby are difficult for most couples, hormones, lack of sleep etc don't rush into calling time in your relationship

Some men just aren't very sensitive , not a reason to bin them off though.

I'm not considering leaving because he has an issue with me not doing the ironing (I have MS and went back to work evening and weekends when my baby was 3 months old....which is why I got someone to help...doctors have told me to rest. )The reason I want to leave is because he is totally disrespectful and emotionally abusive whenever I dare to bring up any way in which he has hurt me.

Mrs T Pratchett,

Thanks for your response. I think it's the only logical thing to do. Whether or not he has it in him to really deal with this stuff remains to be seen. All I know is that I feel like a little bit of me has now broken. I have read back over letters I sent him last year explaining how this stuff hurts and nothing has changed. It's pure and simple disrespect and I deserve more.

You absolutely do deserve more, well done for calling him out on this and not letting him wriggle out of it. You are being incredibly strong especially with having health issues and a young baby

I think what always jumps out at me with situation like you are describing is the complete lack of care from people like your husband. If I was told that my behaviour was hurting someone I loved I would take that seriously, I would ask them to explain how/why, I would apologise sincerely and try to change. Because good people don't want to make their loved ones miserable. You are telling him you are hurt, that your marriage is in danger and in return he is calling you mad and sensitive, that is enough of a reason on its own to be looking at ending things

do you ask him what makes him hurt in the relationship? Just interested to know if his behaviour is being demonstrated due to hurt or upset he's feeling which he's not voicing too well?

Well done OP...you seem to have had an epiphany!

yes, I have asked him what issues he has in the relationship. He says none apart from when I get angry and pick at a point. This comes after sheer frustration of dealing with PA, at which point he smirks because I am acting out the anger he can't/wants to. It's classic stuff. I don't get angry with anyone else in my life, have never fallen out with friends or family. I'm very patient with the children, but he wants to claim I have anger issues. He just winds me up to a point of getting furious due to his deflection/disrespect and bulldozing my feelings and right/need to be heard. It's classic PA and ea.

He's obviously not content in the relationship and neither are you so you're right it is probably best you go your separate ways.

Well there you have it...

OH has admitted to his bullying/coercive/PA/abusive behaviour. He reckons he's suddenly seen himself for the bully he can be. Not sure whether to believe it. Funny how he has his realisation once I say I am leaving.
He is desperate, wants to do therapy, read the Lundy books, is ashamed etc etc.
He has also admitted this destructive behaviour was a feature of his last marriage and she never questioned it.
Reading "Should I Stay or Should I Go." Beyond furious with him for never addressing this, despite repeated requests. Now I have a four month old baby and am struggling to keep it together. I feel like I hate him. Granted he only displays these behaviours when in "conflict" aka me not putting up said behaviours and him fighting for control. I think he has a serious, maladjusted attitude to what it means to be in a relationship. The awful thing is that I recognise so much of him in Lundy Bancroft books. When he feels he is not in control, and I might have the upper hand, I see self-centredness, superiority, entitlement. Sometimes he makes negative "jokes" about women which, to him are benign. "Should have never given them the vote" . In the past he has done annoying sexual stuff, which he means in a "jokey" way which, despite asking him not to he carried on with until I had real words.

In short, have I married a misogynist? Or just someone with skewed values and beliefs? His Dad's a bit the same.

He is lovely in so many ways, but they all are, aren't they.

I am swinging from fury to being numb and a sense of relief that I am not going crazy.

Do I just walk out or give him one last chance?

Can't believe I am in this position and the selfish pig has chosen now to finally take a good look in the mirror.

I would say no more. He's had more than enough chances already.

He is what he is and can't change any more than you can. As my good (male) friend said to me after another episode of me splitting/reconciling/moaning about/loving my exp - "s*it or get off the pot". Also, I'm not a massive believer in anyone, male or female having to assume a new persona i.e. 'change' in order to appease or keep a relationship going. If he genuinely feels its time for him to change himself and not to make you happy then he needs to do that alone and with you two separated otherwise it is just a constant pressure on both of you, you to appraise his progress and act accordingly and him to live up to the expectations he's placed upon himself to be someone completely different from this day forward. It's not feasible.

strange that these fuckwits only have their epiphany when they realise they are actually losing control of you

if you reconsider, he will be back to his old ways soon enough

I would separate and tell him to go seek help for his issues for his own sake, but you are done

don't be his second wife in an emotionally abusive marriage with him

Thanks for the replies guys...

I suppose that's what I'm wrangling with Binklesback - can people really change? I think this is a values issue - ie - he doesn't properly value women. Ultimately he thinks I am controllable and that this is how a relationship works. Can people's values change? Prob not without a vast amount of work and as you say, there will only be constant appraisal from me, which is not healthy.

Yep, very convenient that their epiphanies happen when they are faced with losing total control. Wankers.

I know in my heart it's the right thing to do, but I am heartbroken for my daughter....better now than when she is old enough to be truly affected though.

Thanks for your kind comments Happiness Happening...it put a spring in my step and has made me feel stronger. :-)

Yes, the worst part of all is the lack of empathy at my hurt. I couldn't look at someone who I have hurt and throw it back at them. I would be mortified and humble, not rocking around like a superior twat and verbally intimidating them

Can't believe I am here after having had out 3rd wedding anniversary. At the moment I feel strangely numb, shocked really. I'm worried I might have some sort of huge emotional reaction to it all. Or maybe I am just past caring...

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2275725-Anyone-else-end-up-as-an-angry-banshee-after-living-with-Mr-Nice-passive-irresponsible?pg=1

Have you read this thread especially the links within? Living with the PA is like pushing water up hill and them pushing you back. If he recognises it - ask him to read the links on that thread and work out a plan to how he will sort it but you cannot be the PA police - calling him on everything - that is just repeating the pattern....

What Meera said in the other thread:::::
"I don't think there is any way of having a healthy relationship, I'm afraid.

it's one of the personality traits that simply is highly resistant to change. The only way is if they decide to change. They, not you. Very few do as being PA works too well for them, in a miserable sort of way.

You have two options: accept that he's like this, that he won't ever support you and that he's a loose cannon that will make your life more difficult, not less. or split up. I'm sorry, it's that stark.

How is he with the kids? if he's the same - then get out for their sakes. If he's better with them, well, it's a desperately difficult relationship for you to be in, but if you wished to you could keep going ... just be careful. the title of this thread is accurate. Living with Mr PA drives people into becoming demented banshees. It's a very unpleasant way to live."
............................................................................................................
However what you could look at it how you feed in to the dynamic - are you co-dep (most common partner) - and if so -- look at changing you - not him - then you will know if you want to stay or want to go - as you will have boundaries and clarity and self esteem.

divorcesupport.about.com/od/isdivorcethesolution/a/passiveaggressivehusband.htm
"It takes a special kind of woman to choose and marry a passive aggressive man. The woman who marries the passive aggressive man was taught in her family of origin to accept a high level of frustration for a minimal level of love and caring. When a woman marries the passive aggressive man she gets little return for all her effort. What happens when someone you love dismisses your efforts and withdraws? You become angry and frustrated. Your attempts to communicate calmly turns into deeper resentment and anger"

coda.org/index.cfm/meeting-documents/patterns-of-recovery/

Mine used to wait until I was falling asleep and then say quietly "you're not happy, are you?" , or call body-conscious teenage DD "chunky chick" and pass it off as a joke and no big deal. He also used to put me down only so he could build me up when I got upset.

PA wasn't really recognised so much years ago, but after 21 years and 2 DDs on ADs (yes he was doing the same to them) he is now a stbx

Not out of the woods yet, mind you as he's doing all he can to still mess from afar - non disclosure, deny, deny, deny!!!

Mind you, OP, when you finally stand up to a PA man it's fab. Their brains can't compute when you say No, I'm not doing that. What part of 'you can't control me any more' don't you understand? My XH flailed around like a woodlouse on its back, trying to make the world fit back to his vision. I've just had to get an attachment to earnings because he was deliberately refusing to pay the correct amount of child maintenance, and neither would he cooperate with the CMO. He's spitting mad, and there isn't a damn thing he can do about it because, surprise surprise, the law applies to him just like everyone else!