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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this normal male behaviour?

33 replies

Ardha · 19/03/2015 18:43

I'm no expert, have lived with 3 men other than my dad.

If something isn't to my OH's liking he swears, or seems to blame me.
For example, today the washing machine was on when he was trying to wash his hair so I heard 'turn the f*ing tap off' coming from the bathroom.
Today he came home to say his boss had telephoned him shouting because he couldn't find where he had to go so my OH obviously has a boss similar to him.
On a good day I can ignore the comments, but, sometimes I can't and it drags me down. In fact, when he shouted at me because there was something wrong with the door latch I felt suicidal. Apparently the fault with the latch is my fault as I slam the door, in his opinion.
If the sink takes a long time to drain it must be because of something I have put down there.

Thats just the things I remember. I'm starting to keep track for counselling. If I can't change him then I need to be able to change or understand the effect this has on me.

But do other men behave like this?

OP posts:
YvyB · 19/03/2015 18:47

Not the ones worth being with.

FenellaFellorick · 19/03/2015 18:50

yes. some men do. They're called arseholes.

Some women do also. They're called arseholes.

There's no such thing as normal male behaviour any more than there is normal female behaviour.

There is acceptable behaviour and there is unacceptable behaviour.

If he is being an arse, don't look to excuse it by chalking it up to male behaviour. If it's not ok, it's not ok.

Your options are not limited to change him or change yourself.

PoppyField · 19/03/2015 18:53

If I can't change him then I need to be able to change or understand the effect this has on me

There is a third option here. Which is to get rid. He sounds horrible.

Why would you be trying to change your reaction to him with the help of counselling? Your reaction to someone swearing at you and blaming you for every little thing that goes wrong in his life is perfectly healthy and normal i.e. upset and outraged. Don't fall for the idea that you are the one who has to change here.

And yes some other me do behave like this. They deserve to get dumped as well.

WowOoo · 19/03/2015 18:55

The man in my life does not behave like this.
You can't change people unless they want to improve themselves. Have you talked it through? Does he realise how completely ridiculous he is?

I experienced my fair share of idiots before finding someone decent. In fact, I'd pretty much given up hope.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/03/2015 19:01

What the other respondents have stated. Its not you, its him.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up; that is a question you should yourself. Was your Dad similarly shouty or apparently angry at everyone else when you were growing up?. Is this your "normal"?.

This is not at all how emotionally healthy men behave in relationships.
What you are seeing is the real him. Such men also do NOT change, he feels totally entitled to act like this towards you. Changing even one aspect of your own behaviour is nigh on impossible, expecting someone else to change theirs is an exercise in futility.

Do not fall into the trap of "well if I behave differently or change, then he will behave better towards me". That simply does not work. Joint counselling in such circumstances is not advisable either.

You can only help your own self ultimately and that is by getting out of this awful sounding relationship.

123upthere · 19/03/2015 19:10

He doesn't deserve to share a home with you OP. You wouldn't take this behaviour from your best friend so why with a partner? Protect yourself and get rid.

holdyourown · 19/03/2015 19:42

Sounds like an abusive arse. No, not all men are like this.

WildFlowerWoman · 19/03/2015 19:58

Sorry to hear about your shitty bad tempered husband. How are you feeling now? Do you still feel suicidal?

Come back and talk to us if you are, I'm sure the Mumsnetters will have plenty of advice for you.

flatbellyfella · 19/03/2015 20:06

That's not how normal men behave,you have been unlucky to have reeled in an imature juvenile that needs educating a little, on the way love & relationships work.

SylvaniansAtEase · 19/03/2015 20:12

Um, so if you can't get him to treat you with basic respect, your only option is to drill it into yourself that you must learn to be happy being treated like shit?

Right. So you are actively looking for a way to have a completely shit life with a wanker for a partner?

As others have said, there is a BRILLIANT other option, which practically guarantees a better outcome than either. Dump the mouthy abusive little shit.

RubySparks · 19/03/2015 20:14

Hmm my mother is like that but I think for her it stems from anxiety and about wanting to control situations so she is less worried.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 19/03/2015 20:17

Horrible behaviour from a horrible man. Luckily you don't have to put up with it, end the relationship and enjoy being single for a while.

stubbornstains · 19/03/2015 20:19

If you can't change him, then change the locks.....

Vivacia · 19/03/2015 20:25

I grew up in a house like this. Over my dead body will I tolerate it as an adult.

Binklesback · 19/03/2015 20:35

This is my view and I may get flamed. In my experience and my observations of friends relationships, nitpicking like this is a symptom of frustration of a dysfunctional/dead relationship. I'm sure he doesn't enjoy treating you like this. I wouldnt call him abusive. His behaviour is nasty yes, but abusive, well if he's always been like this maybe. Sometimes relationships go sour, people change and uncharacteristically unpleasant behavioit's come to the fore in these cases someone has to be brave one and end It. It's rarely the woman as a woman's nature tends to be to appease...to calm, to mollify. The man's behaviour tends to get worse, to up the ante, and the circle begins/continues. Sometimes it's not abuse, sometimes it's just the slow but natural end of relationship, it only becomes unpleasant if we are committed to sticking with it despite the unhappiness it's causing on both sides. If you feel abused, leave and find better for yourself, you both deserve to feel content in your relationship and the minor things like taps and locks etc are just indicative of the bigger picture. I'm sure youre not angelic towards him all the time either, none of us are whiter than white. There is a saying that goes "we judge others by their actions and ourselves by our intentions". It's all about perspective and communication and neither of you have either in common it's done. Just my view.

sykadelic · 20/03/2015 03:09

No it is not normal.

My DH has never yelled at me. Ever. We've been married for 5+ years, together for less than 10. I also have never yelled at him. That's not to say we have never had strong words, we have once or twice, but it never devolves to yelling, swearing, or calling each other names.

It is a huge sign of disrespect to be spoken to like you describe and I wouldn't be tolerating it.

Original poster
Ardha · 20/03/2015 06:35

My father was not shouty, my mother was, she had some kind of Mental illness and was scary for all of us sometimes.
I saw myself replicating her when I was living with a man with a drink problem. Then I lived with someone much older and seemed to play the other part, the submissive role my dad had as he seemed older, it didnt last long.

With my OH it started better, I had more confidence but then things changed & i became pregnant and things got worse as I am dependent on him. He has a good job, paid silly money and I am running around after the kids who are now much older, at school.

The times I do stand up and say, 'don't speak to me like that' do make a difference. But it is being able to do that, to realise when I should.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 20/03/2015 07:29

Have you talked with him in a calm moment?

derxa · 20/03/2015 08:03

My husband can be very grumpy due to work stress. If he snaps I snap back. After that things are OK He does many kind and loving things for me and the family and I know he loves me. However you say you feel suicidal. Is this because the bad temper is relentless? The fact that he shouts and swears at you is unacceptable. Have you discussed the situation with him and if so what is his reaction? How long has this been going on? The fact that you feel suicidal is not normal and you need support right now
Best wishes Dx

AnyFucker · 20/03/2015 08:06

That sounds like the behaviour of a twat with no respect

gender not the problem here

Original poster
Ardha · 20/03/2015 09:22

I don't feel suicidal at the moment, generally depressed but that has been on and off for years. When an outburst comes it can create that response in me.
It isnt relentless, it just seems to be when things are not as he wants them, the things which bother him do not always bother him. For example he used to come home and moan about the state of the hob, he hasnt mentioned the hob in years.

But it does have the effect that whoever hears his outburst feels at fault, regardless of whether they have done anything wrong. Thats what my DD said when I asked her about how she felt when he swears.

It isnt as in your face as swearing at you, just a general 'turn the effing tap off' directed into the air not at anyone in particular, or whoever it is that has turned the tap on.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 20/03/2015 10:01

Well to give you some perspective, my man sees a problem in the house like water taking time to drain and gets his tools out and fixes it.
He fixed the lock on the gate at the weekend as well.
He will be sorting out all sorts this weekend. Fence panels, more blocked plug holes, toilet seats etc....
That's because he doesn't blame anyone else. He knows these are problems that just happen and need sorting. He's a do-er!
Yours in a blamer. Get rid. He sounds vile!

hellsbellsmelons · 20/03/2015 10:05

Aha - just read your further posts.
Not so easy to just get rid.
Can you get him to go to counselling for himself?
And in the mean-time, pull him up on it every time.
But it is being able to do that, to realise when I should
Every time! Every single time! Without any hesitation at all.
That passive/aggressive shit would drive me bonkers!

Effii · 20/03/2015 10:41

Binkle I thought the same. This often seems the behaviour of a man or woman who is no longer happy in their relationship.

Binklesback · 20/03/2015 10:41

my exh used to use the phrase "somebody's left a cup out" etc well love, theres only me and you here so I guess you mean me!! Haha it's exhausting I've been there. In the early stages you overlook / dont see all the niggles that annoy you about the way someone lives. But as you bed in you either accept it with love if the love if strong enough, or it grates as it clearly is doing for both of you. I honestly think the love has worn off for both of you. Be brave and let each other go. You can't counsel someone into not be who they fundamentally are be that snappy and impatient any more than you can be counselled into making sure the hob is shiny at all times. Seriously the back and forth is exhausting and nobody, not you or him, need to live that way x

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