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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hubby not that interested in me...

30 replies

Onelittleguru · 19/03/2015 13:57

Since I fell pregnant with our first child hubby seems to have lost interest (sexually and in me as a person in general) I lost loads of weight, toned up and friends all complimented me constantly a year after birth but he seems to be able to 'take it or leave it' when it comes to intimacy.

I'm practically celibate and beginning to accept this as a way of life even though it kills me inside.. Had confrontations galore and now both at counselling,which seems to be going nowhere... Beginning to get paranoid and suspicious of him...

Feel like I'm an old person trapped inside of a young persons body.. Anyone else had similar? How did they overcome things/make improvements?

OP posts:
cailindana · 19/03/2015 13:59

What has he said when you've asked him what's going on?

pocketsaviour · 19/03/2015 14:01

Has he given a reason for his lack of interest, during counselling or at any time?

Honestly I wouldn't condemn myself to a sexless life. It's a sure fire way to erode your self-esteem over the years.

Original poster
Onelittleguru · 19/03/2015 14:03

He changes the subject quickly... Makes me feel like I'm a nymphomaniac if I ask for a cuddle

OP posts:
Original poster
Onelittleguru · 19/03/2015 14:03

We're just about to start couple counselling as we've been having individual sessions

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 19/03/2015 14:05

Have you asked him if he's alright with you going off and finding a fuck buddy? (Not that I necessarily think you should, but it would be interesting to gauge his reaction)

How are things outside of the bedroom? Is he warm and loving with you generally? Does he take up his share of caring for the baby and housework?

Original poster
Onelittleguru · 19/03/2015 14:14

Ha! Hinted that one aaaages ago jokingly about the fb, got a reaction but didn't make any difference...

Super dad, were like best friends hanging out for the day when together..

Really feel incredibly lonely and don't know what the hell to do

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 19/03/2015 14:17

Is there a possibility he's having an affair, either physical or emotional?

Original poster
Onelittleguru · 19/03/2015 14:20

Sadly yes :(

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 19/03/2015 14:27

Oh you poor thing. Is there a chance he'd admit to it? Do you think it's worth riding out, to see if it ends naturally or do you want to confront him?

firesidechat · 19/03/2015 16:32

Do you think it's worth riding out, to see if it ends naturally

How do people do that though Imperial? Surely it's an alternative way of saying "don't rock the boat" and must massively erode self esteem. It can't be healthy.

firesidechat · 19/03/2015 16:33

Bold fail

Blushingm · 19/03/2015 21:33

Sadly you could be me except the weight loss tone up part...........I'm not sure why he doesn't want me

No advice but wanted to let you know you're not the only one

SelfLoathing · 19/03/2015 23:06

How was he after the birth? Was he there? Some men react very badly to seeing their wife in labour in terms of sexual desire.

A male friend of mine said before his wife was about to give birth a man he worked with said to him words to the effect of "stay out of the room once you see her give birth you'll never think of her sexually the same way again". Obviously not all men react like that but it's a known reaction; from listening to male chat, I get the impression is it worse for those not up at the head end as it were.

I think you need to speak to him about it. Not let him get away with changing the subject and have a proper discussion.

ImperialBlether · 19/03/2015 23:19

firesidechat, that was going to be my next point. The OP has a very young baby and I could understand someone wanting to put their head in the sand, but living with cognitive dissonance is soul destroying.

meandjulio · 19/03/2015 23:28

Is he having erectile dysfunction?

Original poster
Onelittleguru · 20/03/2015 07:05

It was a c section so there was no gory! It destroys me every day. I think he wants to shag every woman he talks to because he is like this so turned into a paranoid freak

OP posts:
Original poster
Onelittleguru · 20/03/2015 07:06

Tried riding it out, confrontation etc etc.. I feel like he's had something better somewhere else..l

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 20/03/2015 11:27

Can you challenge him on being unfaithful.
Just make out you know all about it.

I couldn't live without love, affection or sex and I certainly couldn't continue, head in the sand, that there might be an affair going on.

nannyfart · 20/03/2015 18:54

He might have got in the habit of getting his rocks off with porn. For him it's quick, it's easy and there's never any problem relying on someone else (you) to be in the mood.
I'm very sorry your needs are not being met and you feel so lonely.

namechangewontchange · 20/03/2015 19:35

I know this lonely feeling, it's horrible and soul destroying. I'm still living it, have been for 5 years and I'm 29 now. Sex is non existant and I am accused of being a nymphomaniac if I get upset about the situation. It's extremely hard as I get a lot of attention from other males sometimes (sorry im not blowing my trumpet, just explaining) and then come home to someone who won't come near me. It doesn't get better but I feel stuck as I have 3 young children and he has mental issues so a breakup would be catastrophic. I have suggested a fwb but that is a definite no. If you are able to get out of this situation I say run and find someone who cares about you and how you feel. X

Original poster
Onelittleguru · 12/04/2015 22:21

Confronted him last November about a girls number on his phone and looked her up to find a beautiful attractive young female (via Facebook) the confrontation resulted in him trying to strangle me... Guilty conscious? Anyway moved on from that... Been seeking help... Just avoided intervention with social workers too...

The girl came up on my Facebook again earlier. I confronted him and he had a look on his face I'd never seen but told a story to me...

Sitting here feeling like a fool.

OP posts:
scarletforya · 12/04/2015 22:23

He tried to strangle you!? Call the police.

Original poster
Onelittleguru · 12/04/2015 22:24

Last year.... Throttled me when I confronted him about the woman

OP posts:
scarletforya · 12/04/2015 22:37

You still want to stay with him after that?

Please leave Op.

Egghead68 · 12/04/2015 23:01

Speak to Women's Aid.