Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

How do you know when it's over

34 replies

MrsGiraffe12 · 18/03/2015 21:09

Basically that....

Me and DH argue more than we are happy, he doesn't respect my parenting style and goes against my wishes (and I guess I disrespect that also). He keeps saying about the house and how it wasn't for him id have no where to live. And we have had sex once in 16 months. We don't even try anymore.

Yet I still love him. But on the flip side, can't bare the thought of things staying like this and never changing or getting worse. I've suggested councelling, we chat and things are ok for a few weeks then back to this again.

How do you know when it's time to end the relationship?

OP posts:

MiniTheMinx · 18/03/2015 21:14

I wish I knew! but I would say its really over when things are that bad, and there is no way in sight that it can be fixed.

Why is he fixated on the house and your dependence on him for a roof? Do you work? Why does he think you should be grateful? Does he not think its a partnership where you both provide a home for your children?

MelonBallersAreStrange · 18/03/2015 21:18

I've suggested councelling, we chat and things are ok for a few weeks then back to this again

Have you ever actually gone to counselling?

Original poster

MrsGiraffe12 · 18/03/2015 21:18

I do work but I'm on maternity leave at the moment. He's always fixated on the fact that his family put the deposit down and that even though it's a joint mortgage I "pay nothing towards the house" despite the food, gas & electric, TV license etc.

We have always had seperate finances too.

It's just getting me down, we used to be such a fun and happy couple. Now we're not and in arguments he always shouts "why are you even with me". Part of me thinks he wants it over but wants me to say it so I'm the "bad guy" :-(

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsGiraffe12 · 18/03/2015 21:19

He won't go to councelling, flat out refuses, hence we've never been x

OP posts:

MiniTheMinx · 18/03/2015 21:30

Ok, so when he says you don't contribute to the mortgage, you need an answer. Maybe have joint account, all the money you pay on gas. elec, food etc, the total of that put in the account every month. He tops it up and the mortgage is paid from this account! simples, he can then pay for the food, elec, gas etc...:) of course it all amounts to the same thing, but if he really can't see that now, then he is willfully dumb.

I am not surprised it is getting you down. How old are the children? I know that when they are very young it is perhaps the very hardest part. I know DP and I argued more when the kids were 0-5 than at any time since.

BifsWif · 18/03/2015 21:30

Why does he shout 'why are you even with me'? That suggests he feels a lot of guilt about the way things are at the moment and recognises his faults even if he's doing nothing about them.

RandomMess · 18/03/2015 21:32

I think I would start by insisting that you each pay 50% of all costs.

I would book a counselling appointment and go with or without him.

I would look for parenting courses that you could both attend together to get a more objective view and then agree a way you are going to deal with certain things.

I guess if all else force him to end it rather than him bully you into initiating the split. In fact I would say what you think "It feels like you want to end this marriage but don't have the guts to do it" Perhaps you will get some honesty out of him if you do?

Original poster

MrsGiraffe12 · 18/03/2015 21:40

It's just so bloody hard. I feel like we should make a go of it for the children as I come from a broken home (though things were happier once my parents split).

They are 7 and 6 months.

I've suggested a joint account for everything and then what's left once all bills are paid is split 50/50 but he wants his own money.

It's not just the money though, the whole relationship seems off kilter to what it was when we got together. There has been a shift but can't day when from.

I've asked him if he's actually wants to be together and all he says is of course or I wouldn't be with you otherwise would I.

And on the shite goes.....

OP posts:

Handywoman · 18/03/2015 22:33

This isn't about money, it's about respect.

Why is he saying this about the house (ie if it weren't for him yadda yadda...) WTF???? You're married and have just had a baby - who even says that? He sounds nasty.

Did you have 'the chat' about your sex life? It seems now there is so much more going on here than lack of sex.......

Can you go to counselling on your own???

Original poster

MrsGiraffe12 · 18/03/2015 22:37

We had the chat about sex and all that came from it was he wants it more and has found it a turnoff I've not kept waxed like I did for the first 2 years of our 11 year relationship.

I could go to councelling, but surely the point of going is for us to both learn new things / make changes, not just me?

OP posts:

Handywoman · 18/03/2015 22:43

The point of counselling might be that you chat to a good therapist about your boundaries and decide what you will and won't put up with? How you feel you deserve to be treated? What he brings to the table?

Because he sounds like he feels far superior to you - you don't earn enough money, you don't parent the dc right, don't wax enough.

Do you feel loved by this man?

vanillavelvet · 18/03/2015 22:46

My DH and I are going through something very similar at the minute.

We went to our first counselling session yesterday and I am feeling a bit more positive already. I had almost made the decision to leave prior to this.

Does your DH really understand how you feel about this? Does he know that you are considering the future of your relationship? I think it took my DH to realise his serious I was to agree to the counselling.

Original poster

MrsGiraffe12 · 18/03/2015 22:47

Not really no :-( I used to, but not for a long time x

OP posts:

vanillavelvet · 18/03/2015 22:47

'How' serious I was!

Original poster

MrsGiraffe12 · 18/03/2015 22:48

I told him once how serious it all is and now he makes "jokes" about me visiting a solicitor

OP posts:

kittybiscuits · 18/03/2015 22:49

Your husband is a really, really horrible person OP. You're not. At all x

Handywoman · 18/03/2015 22:52

I think kittybiscuits just about summed it up.

Original poster

MrsGiraffe12 · 18/03/2015 22:52

Is it pathetic that I'd considering staying & shutting up for the sake of the kids?

OP posts:

kittybiscuits · 18/03/2015 22:56

You're not pathetic OP. Living with this arsehole will have destroyed your confidence. He is telling you every day that you deserve to be treated like shit. It's hard to dig yourself out of this situation. Very hard. And yet women manage to do this every day. If you stay for your children, that is not pathetic. You do, however, deserve so much more. Your self-esteem must be on the floor x

kittybiscuits · 18/03/2015 22:57

Would you want your kids to stay in a relationship like this? You are their teacher. I'm not being mean.

Handywoman · 18/03/2015 22:58

No it's not pathetic. Not is it right. What model of relationships are you showing your children? At present they are learning that Dads are way up the pecking order, and Mums are lesser people who should be grateful to have a roof over their heads.

Your children deserve more than this. Plus they also deserve to see their mum happy because their lives will be richer for it.

Original poster

MrsGiraffe12 · 18/03/2015 22:59

I'm just sad that I'm at this point. I'm worried if I end the marriage I'll regret it, but also know I don't want to feel sad like this forever

OP posts:

Handywoman · 18/03/2015 23:04

Being a lone parent is hard.

But it is hard in a more straightforward way. Staying in a relationship like this is a multilayered world of headfuck: trying to work him out/keep the peace/pander to him, accepting crumbs (er...... a roof over your head).

If you go and see a solicitor next week, see how things might look financially if you go it alone: this might give you some much needed hope and strength.

Original poster

MrsGiraffe12 · 18/03/2015 23:05

And no, I would be so upset if my babies were in this situation

OP posts:

kittybiscuits · 18/03/2015 23:06

Why would you be upset Giraffe ?

Flip

1 2