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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Partner with depression

44 replies

lalah7 · 18/03/2015 15:28

Hi all
I wasn't sure whether to post this here or in mental health...
I've been seeing a lovely man for about 4 months. It's got more serious over the past 6/7 weeks. We get on really well, enjoy being in eachothers' company, have a laugh together. It's been great!
I stayed at his house on Saturday night, spent Sunday together and everything was fine. Then I hardly heard from him for 2 days. We usually text throughout the day then speak on the phone for an hour or 2 at night.
He finally told me that he suffers from depression and he was having a "dark spell"
We spoke last night and he just seems so tired, lethargic and sad Sad
I asked if there was anything I could do he said not really, that he needs to just "get his head down and get on with it".
He's coming over tonight and I was just wondering how I should handle this?
Do I treat him differently, do I try and get him to talk about how he's feeling or do I just simply be there if he needs me?
I have no experience of depression, my own or anyone else's, so I'm feeling a bit clueless and helpless..
Any advice is much appreciated

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 18/03/2015 15:48

This link may help

nooyearnooname · 18/03/2015 15:56

I always think this pic helps to describe how it feels

Partner with depression
Quitelikely · 18/03/2015 15:58

My advice is think carefully before you fall head over heels.

The task ahead is a thankless one.

You should ask him how often he gets depression and how long his episodes last and if he has sought treatment for it.

The answers to the above would determine whether I would stay in the relationship.

hatethisfeeling · 18/03/2015 17:00

I'm sorry, but as someone who has suffered with depression since, well forever, I find these responses disappointing and actually, offensive.

So the picture is what? A deterrent for people who are thinking of, or are already in a relationship with someone who suffers with depression? Maybe I'm missing something.

"The task ahead is a thankless one" Really? I thank my partner all the time for for being so supportive! I thought supporting one another was part of a loving, committed relationship.....no?

I wonder if the op had said that her new partner had a heart condition for example, whether or not the advice would be to think carefully about staying in such a relationship.

lalah7 · 18/03/2015 17:03

Thanks for the link and photo. They did help me to understand a bit more.
I just really don't want to come across as either too patronising or too uncaring....
Quitelikely, thank you for that advice. I will as him those questions and take it from there. I've been evaluating today wether the relationship is worth the extra effort and I do think it is.
However, I have 2 young dds (6 and 2) to think about, they'll always be my first priority. I also work part time as well as studying, so I have a lot on my plate already Smile

OP posts:
lalah7 · 18/03/2015 17:07

Hatethisfeeling, how do you think I should approach it?

OP posts:
RandomNPC · 18/03/2015 17:17

Fucking hell, quitelikely, you're a charmer aren't you. We're not monsters.

RandomNPC · 18/03/2015 17:21

In my experience, OP, don't push him to talk about anything. Just be there if he does want to talk. Depression is a very lonely place, but there is no reason why the vast majority of people with MH problems shouldn't make perfectly good partners. You'll often find that the things that we've gone through can make us more empathetic and caring. Do you know if he is receiving treatment at all?

RandomNPC · 18/03/2015 17:23

BTW, nooyear, I liked the picture. It sums up how I feel sometimes.

Lottapianos · 18/03/2015 17:28

I suffer from depression and anxiety and I second the advice to tread carefully. Pay particular attention to how he answers the question about what sort of treatment or strategies he uses to manage his depression. If the answer is 'none', then think very carefully about what you want out of this relationship. For some people whose partners are depressed, it is indeed a thankless task. Im sure you would want to support him through it but you are not his fixer or therapist - however he manages this, he needs to take a lead on it.

hatethisfeeling · 18/03/2015 17:29

Well in all honesty, people deal with depression differently and men are notorious for bottling up their feelings and emotions, but obviously I'm generalising. If he is one of those 'proud' bottlers, then I would tread a a bit more carefully. It's a good sign that he's actually told you though. He obviously now trusts you enough to let you into this part of his life, which some people find almost shameful, unfortunately.

At this stage, I would just let him know that you don't have much experience with depression, but you'll be there for him. Find out if he's having treatment, talking and or medication and if the answer is no, maybe suggest that that could really help. Make it clear (assuming this is the case) that you don't see him any differently. Some men in my experience, feel almost emasculated when they admit having depression.

hatethisfeeling · 18/03/2015 17:35

Random, exactly! I didn't think we were either. I got the picture, but the last bit to me was just saying that your depressed partner, will ultimately drag you down.

lalah7 · 18/03/2015 18:04

I don't see him differently. But I would like to be there for him, just as I would if he had broken his leg or had any other type of illness.

He isn't receiving treatment at the moment. The last time he felt like this was around 4 years ago. At that time he spoke to a psychotherapist but he didn't think it helped. He doesn't want to take medication if he can avoid it...

OP posts:
britneyspearscatsuit · 18/03/2015 18:18

Absolutely no offence to those with depression...an awful affliction I would not wish on anyone ever...but...

Men with depression in particular can cause a lot of pain to their loved ones unintentionally. That is in no way to say depressed people do not deserve love but the symptoms of depression can cause such huge changes in personality and ability to function.

In a major depressive episode, a depressed partner is withdrawn, irritable, unloving, disinterested and can even be downright blaming, cold and experience a complete loss of feelings of love to you.

As someone who has experienced that with a partner it is absolutely soul destroying.

I would advise, not giving up on him, but setting clear boundaries of expectation that he helps himself. That he is medicated, treated with talk therapy and keeps on top of it.

There's little worse than falling deeply in love with someone, loving them for years and having them turn into a cold stranger overnight who has no need for a connection or love with you.

I am not talking about for a few days..it happenned to me for a year before he finally left me, believing his feelings of love for me would never return.

It was the most painful experience of my life, and you cannot "love" someone out of depression. It is a serious and insidious disease

xxx

britneyspearscatsuit · 18/03/2015 18:21

Can I also say, in support of Quitelikely...it most certainly CAN be a thankless task. All depends on how the suferrer responds.

My ex responded by blaming me, being cold to me, acting like I was irritating him.

If he had thanked me like you do hatethisfeeling or been able to feel any sense of love for me through the fog then we would have survived because I loved him very much.

missmorse · 18/03/2015 18:26

my partner has very sever depression and I knew this from the beginning of our relationship. When we first got together he was actually going through a really bad spell, so I can understand your worries.

My advice would be to not push him to talk about it too much or to make it into a big thing right now if that makes him uncomfortable, but at the same time to acknowledge that it is a factor in his life and now therefore in your relationship. If you don't say anything at all then it can become a huge elephant in the room, so to speak, for both of you.

Some people have a lot of shame and guilt associated with their depression, and find it super uncomfortable to talk about or even admit to. But he's already opened up to you to tell you that he's going through this, so when you next see him, acknowledge that and thank him for trusting you enough to tell you. Let him know that whenever he's ready to talk to you about it, you're willing to listen and that you're not ashamed/freaked out by him.

Then if he does want to talk, just listen: don't necessarily try to offer 'solutions' or suggest ways he should fix himself, and if it really is something you've not experienced, don't offer 'oh that sounds like when I feel x y z' kind of responses. (I've learnt this the hard way, btw! It can be hard to repress your instinct to want to relate someone else's experience to your own, as a way of trying to convey empathy. I'm someone who always wants to 'help' by offering solutions... I have realized that this is absolutely not helpful!) The best thing to do is just let him talk when he needs to, and be willing to listen without judgement.

In the long term I've found that the more open you both can be about it, the easier it is to deal with within a relationship. With my husband, there have been times when he's been fine and times when he's been really bad. We check in with each other I take the time to ask him how he's doing, and give him a space to talk if he wants to when he's going through a bad spell. We have also briefly met with a counselor together as a couple actually during a period where he was not doing too badly and we were feeling very close anyway -- just to get another perspective on how we deal with it together as a couple. The counselor has some good advice and we both found it useful, although I know not everyone is comfortable with that kind of thing.

But I would say also, make sure to look after yourself. By which I don't mean avoid having a relationship with someone who has any history of depression or current depression! That seems very extreme to me... (and seeing so many people try to hide their depression or aren't diagnosed, if you tried to avoid dating anyone with any kind of depression you'd probably be single a long time!) But rather, if your partner is going through a bad spell and you find it difficult to deal with, make sure to take time for yourself, recharge your batteries, go off and do something for yourself for a while.

And above all remember that if they are sad or feeling down, it isn't a reflection on you or the relationship you share. It's not your fault if they are sad, any more than it would be your fault if they had a broken leg or diabetes or any other kind of illness.

Handywoman · 18/03/2015 18:28

I agree with Quitelikely tread very carefully. Depression can be a palatable way of presenting an immature/self-centred/victim mentality and a potentially abusive personality. It's Code Amber and if he is someone who doesn't seek help for it I would re-evaluate the relationship or simply end it right there. If he suffers with depression, he alone is responsible for managing it. If he does this properly then there isn't any reason why you can't support him 100%. But if he wallows or just 'waits' for it to go...... Run like the wind.

TheOldWiseOne · 18/03/2015 18:30

I have to agree with those that say that this IS very different from a broken leg or a heart condition. There is NOTHING you can do for people if they do not get help for this condition or if they refuse to acknowledge it. The life will be sucked out of you slowly ..and after all that you have done , there may be no acknowledgement of that and you are the fault and the cause of it...Been there , done it and been left recently because of it.

Aridane · 18/03/2015 18:40

OP - you sound a lovely caring and balanced person. And your partner must trust and value you to confide his depression to you.

However, the reluctance to seek help troubles me - He isn't receiving treatment at the moment. The last time he felt like this was around 4 years ago. At that time he spoke to a psychotherapist but he didn't think it helped. He doesn't want to take medication if he can avoid it...

missmorse · 18/03/2015 18:42

erm yeah... Hmm My husband's ex could issue ultimatums, tell him he was pathetic and a victim for not getting better fast enough, pressure him into taking more and more drugs... Oddly enough that approach didn't help him deal with his low self-esteem!

There is a lot a partner can do to help someone with depression. Being a bully is not one of them.

theboyinthebubble · 18/03/2015 18:42

As sufferer on and off for years I can only sympathise with the OP and her new partner. It's a strange and horrible condition and ultimately cost me my relationship. Sometimes you really do want to talk about it but more often don't and end up turning those feelings inside or brushing them under the carpet. The worst part was not being able to confront my nearest and dearest about it for fear of worrying them.

Handywoman - you seem lovely. Such kind advice.

missmorse · 18/03/2015 18:51

Getting help for depression is hard. The whole point about the illness is that it makes it difficult for you to make rational choices about your own self-care.

Also treatment takes a lot of work: finding a good therapist can be a matter of trial and error, and the differences between them are vast -- it's not just a matter of turning up in any old therapists office and hey presto I'm cured! And there are valid reasons for not wanting to take medication: the side effects of many anti-depressants can be really horrible, and it takes a lot of experimentation to find the right one/correct dose for a particular person.

All that can be pretty daunting. Particularly if you're already feeling very very low. So again -- being supportive and understanding is far more likely to lead to a productive outcome than being judgemental and blaming them for being sick. Letting someone know you'll be there for them as they deal with the difficult task of getting finding treatment is probably a more useful approach to take them issuing ultimatums.

lalah7 · 18/03/2015 19:10

Thank you so much everyone.
It has really helped seeing things from different perspectives.

He's coming over tonight once dds are settled (they haven't met him yet) so we'll see how things go later. I'm actually quite surprised he hasn't cancelled tonight, I was half expecting him to.

OP posts:
hatethisfeeling · 19/03/2015 07:09

Missmorse, couldn't agree more.

thenextday · 19/03/2015 07:55

I am getting divorced shortly after years of EA. H suffers from depression which he has used for an excuse.. He would blame everything on depression and use it as an excuse for not changing his behaviour.
I have suffered myself but there is no way I could have gone on living with him.