Partner with depression

[lalah7]

Hi all
I wasn't sure whether to post this here or in mental health...
I've been seeing a lovely man for about 4 months. It's got more serious over the past 6/7 weeks. We get on really well, enjoy being in eachothers' company, have a laugh together. It's been great!
I stayed at his house on Saturday night, spent Sunday together and everything was fine. Then I hardly heard from him for 2 days. We usually text throughout the day then speak on the phone for an hour or 2 at night.
He finally told me that he suffers from depression and he was having a "dark spell"
We spoke last night and he just seems so tired, lethargic and sad
I asked if there was anything I could do he said not really, that he needs to just "get his head down and get on with it".
He's coming over tonight and I was just wondering how I should handle this?
Do I treat him differently, do I try and get him to talk about how he's feeling or do I just simply be there if he needs me?
I have no experience of depression, my own or anyone else's, so I'm feeling a bit clueless and helpless..
Any advice is much appreciated

Tread with caution. As a sufferer of depression he may find that your two children are very difficult to deal with. I have had depression for many, many years. I have had treatment in the past, during the bleakest times, and it has helped somewhat. I still suffer from depression nowadays but only rarely. At those times I shut myself off from people and am pretty useless really. I have a long term partner - don't live together - who knows know that I have dark times, during which we have no relationship whatsoever as I couldn't care less if I ever saw him again due to my very low mood. You will almost certainly be in for quite a tough time as depression affects both the sufferer and those around them. Just take things slowly and see how his depressive episodes affect him. If you want a full on boyfriend then he is probably not the person for you as he will almost certainly withdraw during his dark times. Sounds like you have a busy life so perhaps you could see him when he is well enough and get on with your own life when he is unwell which is what my partner does. It's not an easy illness to live with and it's often very tough to be in a relationship with a sufferer but, many of us who suffer from the dreaded infliction, still deserve a chance and a hope for loving, fulfilling relationships.

I have severe depression. It is not a nice condition at all. Dh stands by me although it's difficult for him sometimes.
Personally I would insist your dp seeks some help for his illness. It's unlikely to go away by itself. I think he needs to at least see his gp for medication, but I would say that psychotherapy would help enormously too. It won't help in a couple of sessions-it DOES NOT work that way and it's likely to be extremely painful and he may feel worse before he gets better. I am going through this very difficult process right now. I am told I'll need a couple of years of therapy.
I take medication, am having intensive psychotherapy and see a psychiatrist. Without me taking some action about my condition, I'm not sure I'd expect dh to stick around.

However, I would like to say that if the two of you can weather this together and you talk openly about his issues then I think it can bring two people much closer.

If someone has MH problems and does not seek help it is NOTHING like a person with a broken leg unless they choose to do nothing about it!

I grew up with a parent with untreated MH issues and sporadic, frequent and lifelong depressive bouts.

I am glad that there are plenty of people who despite suffering depression are able to be kind, loving and not let it affect those around them. Or if they can't help it, they are able to have loving and fulfilled lives despite it.

That was certainly not my experience. As a child I constantly walked on eggshells never knowing when the dark moods would descend and even childhood laughter or giggling would be enough to blacken the mood in the house.

This parent would be rude and scream at and scare everyone, not want to talk, slept alot or stayed in a darkened room. No friends were allowed.

Then one day it would be over and the parent would go about as if nothing had happened, leaving us young children to try and make sense of it all.

I cannot tell you what a devastating and negative impact it has on a young child to try and deal with a parent's horrendous moodswings with no one to explain anything.

As a child you tend to internalise the anguish and believe it is all your fault the parent is like that. And in my case it it was "normal".

I am glad there is a lot more discussion and help for people with depression nowadays as I would never ever wish my worst enemy to live with a person with untreated MH and depression who doesn't believe they need any help with it as it can and will ruin your life and everyone's around them.

I was 50 before I could unburden myself of the guilt of not being able to 'help' this parent. This parent still does not acknowledge there is anything wrong and has never talked about it and aged 80+ never will.

'It won't help in a couple of sessions-it DOES NOT work that way and it's likely to be extremely painful and he may feel worse before he gets better. '

I can't emphasise enough how true this is. I always wonder when people say they tried therapy/counselling and 'it didn't work', what exactly they tried and what they were expecting. Therapy is work - hard, painful, difficult work and things often get harder and more painful before they get better. And it takes time - 6 or 10 or 12 sessions just will not cut it.

You have to be fully committed to feeling better and coming to terms with the root cause of your depression. I will have been in therapy for 6 years this summer and I still have a way to go. Its been the hardest and the most rewarding thing I've ever done, and I am a much much happier and stable and just generally better person for it.

It also depends what he feels is causing his depression. I would imagine that therapy may be of more limited use if he feels its down to a chemical imbalance or similar, whereas if due to past/childhood experiences, I would say its essential.

As someone undergoing therapy, I completely agree with Lottapianos.

Thanks for all your replies.
We're going to call it a day on the relationship. I found out yesterday that he's created an online dating profile, so it looks like he's already checked out anyway!!

He said he does things like this when he's suffering, and too be honest, it was a huge slap in the face! He doesn't seem to be willing to seek help.

I've said I'll be there for him as a friend.

I wouldn't be there for him as a friend tbh

I don't think its a good idea either. He sounds like he might be the type to blame all his bad behaviour on bring depressed and I think that will be very draining for you.

He said he does things like this when he's suffering

Well, that's a new one!

Perhaps he's bipolar as it doesn't sound like a depressed as in down mood thing to do!

In fact, I think it's a complete ruse and he's used to explaining himself this way. Sad people don't tend to create online dating profiles when they are with someone nice.

I wouldn't be his friend, save up your energy for another nice partner, or spend more time with your existing friends,

Just ditch him completely OP. Why would you want to be friends with someone so untrustworthy?

A similar thing happened to me. I was seeing someone for 8 months and every time we saw each other had a great time. He was going through a divorce and got depressed, he began to be very needy and would call me lol through the day and night (whatever the time) I stood by him and always answered his calls. He then said he had to move away from all the stress and his ex. I would have happily still seen him, it was only an hour away but he completely cut off from everyone including his sons, stopped answering calls. He occasionally contacted me and 2 months later informed me he had a 'fiancé'. He also said he couldn't cope with me having a five year old daughter who he had only met twice which really hurt me as her father left me when I was pregnant. I'm still getting over it now 6 months later, like someone said earlier its soul destroying. You are better to find out now - I agree don't be friends your only get hurt.

Depression is such a vast thing, it can leave you yourself feeling empty and alone. My partner is depressed at the moment and its so very hard loving someone so much and willing them to be "ok" the bad times are bad but the good are good. I know he needs reassurance, love and support I try to just be there and encourage and praise. A lot is causes by low self esteem and a trigger. I wish you the best of luck and if you really like this guy please don't be put off by his depression. Depression is an illness ??

That's great you can find empathy.

My empathy got sucked out of me over 45 years trying to cope with and then feeling guilt about not coping very well with one person's undiagnosed and untreated depression aka breathtaking selfishness and bad temper and the expected 'put up and shut up this is me and it's normal and #$*! your feelings of hurt just deal with it!'

Walk away, you sound kind and thoughtful so please spend your time with people who deserve your love and care.

Hard situation to be in abs know what to do for the best. Love is blind

What kind of 'friend' is he going to be? Creating an online dating profile and calling it depression! He's having a laugh.

OP, just saying for your peace of mind...

setting up of the online dating profile is actually not that unusual for depression. I realise some people think depression comes in only one form, but men in particular can experience a very diferrent side of that. They can seek thrills from porn or new women because they feel the answer to their problem is outside themselves and they are struggling to "feel something".

when my ex was depressed he did things like that too.

Part of it is that they believe chancing things around them will solve the issues, rather than facing what needs to be mended inside.

I am sorry to day you're well rid of this relationship. Not because he has depression, but because he seems to be handling it in a piss poor way and trust me....it's HORRIFIC if they turn that anger / frustration and all that onto you.

Mental illness is no walk in the park, but to navigate it as a couple takes commitment from both sides - not just to the relationship but to managing the illness.

this article is helpful and from my experience VERY true.

the man in my life DID experience depression as an "angry" illness, trying to hurt me, blame me, punish me for the way he felt.

www.helpguide.org/articles/depression/depression-in-men.htm

Also note at the bottom it says "uses sex / porn / alcohol to self medicate". Like I said, very common.

Depression is so poorly understood, and affects people in diferrent ways.

Living with someone sad and in bed and crying and lost and hopeless is pretty hard.

Living with someone who acts like they hate you, blames you for their illness, is angry and mean all the time, says awful things and is googling sex with prostitutes while you are at work is a totally diferrent kettle of fish and depression most certainly brought about a total change of personality in my ex!

He was a complete bastard to me, and while I have every sympathy for how bad he felt, at times he brought me close to inner collapse and a long while on I still wrestle with the damage he did my self esteem.