Almost 1 yr since d day & still feel sad...

[lostmummy12]

As title says, we are almost 1 yr since I found out about h affair,
It went on/off over a yr or so with a work colleague, I was suspicious from the start but had no proof & when asked he always broke down, blamed work stress for distance/moods & changed for a few months for the better..
Now, 1 yr on I still feel sad,
I miss being able to just trust him, even tho he is doing everything to help me do that,
I well up with tears when I look in his eyes, or he calls me "my wife" when snuggled on sofa,
He still works at same company as ow tho I do believe him when he says they have no contact, but I hate the fact that he has to see her name on emails etc.
I told him I still think about affaur/ow everyday, asked if he does,
He says he doesn't think about it every day, but she does cross his mind sometimes, I was pleased by his honesty, but now need to know more- how does he think of her- good way/ bad way/ missing her etc rtn
Am I just pain shopping, should I ask more, he would tell me as he is trying so hard to fix things,
Should I try to leave it in past and move on,
So scared it will drag up the gut wrenching sobs that I thought I'd left behind by now....

I would say that if you are still hurting so much a year down the line then its perhaps time to try accept that the choice you made to stay in your marriage is, for now, not the right choice.

You are a very brave woman.
When it happened to me I couldn't be with him. I tried for a very short while (like a day or 2 as I recall) but I couldn't do it.
I always maintain that staying and working at a marriage after such a betrayal is the far harder option. It takes a certain kind of person to be able to get past this sort of thing.
Maybe you are not that person. You thought you were, but you can't forgive and you can't forget and you can't move on from it.
There is nothing wrong with admitting that you can no longer keep trying.

But it may be that you just need some more details from him. Ask away, but I doubt you'll get that 'peace' you need to move on. It won't come.
The trust was broken.
As they say:-
Trust takes years to build, seconds to break and forever to repair.
Just make sure you are doing what is right for YOU!

I don't think you're going to feel settled while he's still in close proximity for her. Is there no possibility of him moving jobs?

Thanks for replies,
After re reading my post I realised it all sounds very doom & gloom, but there are some positives too,
We've had a 2 great family holidays, communications between us are much more open/honest, I don't check his phone constantly or jump when he gets a text, sex is good( not every nite but every week & usually pretty good- except the few times I've cried during....!!) moods are more settled - me & him, and we make plans for future,
I'm just haunted by the images & what ifs and want them to stop so I/we can move forward,
At the moment moving jobs can't happen, but we are both actively looking for alternatives for him, he tells me if he bumps into her in work (twice), think Im more bother that he works with people who prob know about the affair & wonder how he's not embarrassed to talk to them,
I think it would help enormously if he moved jobs, I've always hated his job and the way that spouses /families are pushed to one side by the company , but at the moment it's not going to change...??

There's a thread with people who are trying to work through their relationship problems that might help?

Here

Lostmummy, hello! It is not easy that the OW works with him.
The what if are indeed terrible. But look at it that way: If the 'what if' stood a chance then he would have turned the DDay into an Adieu day. He got the monies, the financial independence and men leaving their wives to move in with their mistresses are numerous.

Instead he is with you and willing to let you investigate him in the deepest folds of his soul. Men do not like much to expose their soul (their bodies: oh yes they do like this). And he is willing to let you prod it.

The chances are that he would have broken with her even without you discovering it. Maybe much later. But he would have eventually.
If the OW worked with my H I would also feel like if part of me- the most private part- is exposed for everyone in his workplace to peep in. Moreover I would not have been able to hold on the hope that her memory would eventually fade from his mind. How would I have fought with such a situation? I do not know. Maybe I would have tried to remember the school days when some school mates hurt me and afterward every day I went to school I was reliving the hurt and the humiliation, until the day I plugged the courage and tried to bring up the painful event with some acquaintances and realized that they have completely forgotten about it until then. So the fact that the affair is so vivid in your heart does not mean it is vivid in his colleagues' minds. I also have noticed that some problems are more emotionally loaded than others and are shrouded in secrecy because our society still associates them with 'shame' (examples: mental problems or disabilities ; gender identification problems; and yes staying in the marriage despite our spouse' affair). I have noticed that people who are able to tackle head-on these problems and are not ashamed to deal with them force the respect and admiration of others. We spouses that have been betrayed and publicly as well and still want to fight to keep the family together MUST stop feeling ashamed. We are OK. HE and only HE failed. We are here and we will help him back on his feet if this what he wants and if this is what we think is the best for us and our kids. I do not know about you but I do often think that if I did not have young sons who still need their dad I might have ended the marriage- not because of the shame but because of his dishonesty not in par with his pursuit of high principles. Is that the same with you? Is that why you called yourself 'Lostmummy?'- Good Luck

Mamaof4, you just made me cry!!
Not in a bad way, a good way, your words really struck a chord,
He was always such a good man, friends always commented on how much he "obviously " loved me when I spoke about my doubts, so although I knew, it was still such a shock when he admitted it instead of denying it, he wasn't meant to do that...
If it was just us, no kids , I may feel differently, but it feels wrong to deprive them of a man who has always been good in the past, and who just got lost somewhere & spent a selfish year putting him & his needs first.
I think it would have finished even if I hadn't found out, he said he ended it a few times, (3, and they were together 6 times) thru guilt/shame etc, and I do think that because I think of it a lot he/ she must too
He says whenever they have seen each other at work he's just felt embarrassed nothing more,
He has a busy day job, not much spare time to think/dwell,
I have a quieter job plus time at home on own/with kids to sit and overanalyse every detail in my head,
I DO want us to get thru this, I don't want it to fail, he is a good man that did stupid selfish things, I did mean "for better or worse " and don't want to quit yet,
But I'm tired of hurting x

Lost, can I pls go as far as to say that if you are crying during * then things are far from good.

And without wanting to come across as very cruel, is this perhaps a way of you trying to show him how upset you are because perhaps he's just not getting it any other a way. That any attention is good attention? Because its not really.

Im also wondering it you are depressed and lets face it who wouldn't be so could you perhaps go to the Dr and see what he thinks? And please, I just want to make clear that Im not suggesting you go and do this so you can numb the pain of staying in an unhappy marriage because getting treatment for depression can also help people to make another choice in life that enables them to move on to another kind of happiness.

Thanks wee birdie,
I know that the crying is bad, it's only happened a couple of times, and it's more after, when he looks at me and asks how I am, it's like the more caring he is , the more it upset me, hard to explain really, think it's more that I'm upset that it has to feel different after, not like it used to yes ago ( b4 he had affair, during sex was odd/different & now I know why)
I have considered drs and anti DS a few times but then think that maybe they will give me a false sense of perspective, but then I guess if I am depressed, what I'm seeing /feeling now is false also...
Why does it all have to be so complicated....

I went onto AD's a few months ago after finding out about my husband's emotional affair.

I was initially reluctant, (after all I was entitled to be miserable!) but they have helped.

They haven't blocked my feelings of sadness, after all the feelings are justified and normal, but they've stopped me from being so utterly consumed by grief.

Lostmummy12, you cry a bit easily don't you? (Just joking- in fact I am flattered.)
I believe that if yours is like mine then I do understand that despite his mistake he is still a great man and a wonderful dad. We are just crying the Fall of the Hero (it sounds a bit childish but it still hurts a lot) ! I do also think that accepting the affair and helping them back in the track of Honesty and Monogamy is part of the package called marriage. You know I read a great article about guilt versus shame. Roughly guilt is behavior-related and shame is ego-related (ego as per the Freudian sense, meaning self-identity). Our culture became a culture of spiritual growth and tolerance when we started leaving the notion of shame behind and started replacing it by the notion of guilt. When someone is guilty he can still redeem himself by correcting his behavior- when we associate shame to the behavior of someone then we push him out of the society- in the secrecy- and lock him for ever in his behavior. So maybe we must learn to see our H as guilty by having an affair and we should remove the shame from the affair. We must show them some mercy once they have shown authentic remorse. Of course it is not easy for us. We thought marriage is mainly passion and holding hands in the respect and honesty paths. The affair tells us it is also compassion and giving hand to help them up on their feet when they fall in the honesty path. (I am still far behind the recovery path than you- there is no physical contact yet- DD was some 7 months ago.) Good Luck LM!

Thank you both,
Plenty to think about,
Dh just got in & putting kids to bed now,
He asked how I was, told him I'm having a bad day & he has suggested a cuddle on sofa & a film, he does try to help me & I know it hurts him to see me being down, & it scares him that I may say I want out,

Mamaof4, do u know, I never used to cry at anything , always the string objective one in my family from a very young age, but now I find tears escaping at the smallest things..

Have a nice evening LM!

I've sent you a pm lost, hope that's OK...

x

Sorry you are feeling so low lost

An affair that lasted a year is long so that can't be easy to get over. I think sometimes it depends on how you found out and how they dealt with it

Have you thought about counseling, as a couple and individually? If not I would give it a go, you are grieving the loss of the relationship, life and man you thought you had, sometimes you need help to move through the stages

There comes a point where you either have to let it go or walk away, you can't stay stuck forever, it isn't healthy or fair to anyone

Reading your posts, it sounds like you have too much time on your hands and need to focus on yourself and rebuild your own life - often affairs are a wake up call for the betrayed spouse who may have spent years making sacrifices for their spouse and family.

Look at developing your skills, interests, and career and at taking time out on a regular basis for yourself. Be selfish. Prioritise your needs for a change.

Thanks again all,
I think I am still grieving the loss of what we had before, but then part of me is sensible enoug to know that what we had before obv wasn't quite as perfect for both of us as I thought it was,
I have lost myself/my identity along the way, during the A, I stopped going out with my friends in evenings/days off as I thought if I went out he would get bored & text her, I never had any real proof just gut feeling that the emails weren't as innocent as they appeared but nothing concrete,
I have been trying to get out again & find me again, looking forward to the summer as I am def a hot weather person, hate being inside all winter.
I'm going to give it a few weeks, and if mood doesn't improve see a Dr for a chat,
H and I chatted last nite, both got upset , H very down this morning as he doesn't like seeing me so down and says he just wants me to be me again, & will do anything to make that happen,
Hoping that if I try to keep negative thoughts out, I can see the anniversary of D day as a new chapter for us both,
Does that make sense?

he just wants me to be me again

What, the you that he cheated on for entire year, basically in front of your face?

He took that person and broke her and stole her innocence a trust and rubbed it in her face.

He's never getting her back.

The arrogance of thinking he can be so cruel for so long and then put pressure on you to go back to how things were before.

This awful, cruel thing he did to you, that can't be erased. It is part of your experience now. It will affect how you are, how you respond to things, how you treat him and how you allow him to treat you.

There is no going back. It happened. It happened because he chose it. He inflicted it on you.

But you can only move forward. You can't restore what he destroyed.

Either he's man enough to build something new and give you time and space to recover from the damage he caused, or he really needs to piss off and let you heal on your own.

Yeah it makes sense.
Your fears - the loss of identity - all make sense- I reacted differently (I stared going out more)- so what? It is a phase. And getting help from a doc is good. I bought some over the counter pills straight after DD- it helped- I built a new routine: a nice glass of wine with every dinner. (I do not need it anymore!) Do your friends know about the affair?
You need friends more than ever (whether you confide in them or not.)
Can't you go out with him in evenings/days off to start with?
About the DDay.

I intend to turn the DDay into the ED (enlightening day)- always good to know the truth and get on with real life instead of living in a cocoon.
My H is also feeling very bad about it all- he is really disgusted and disappointed by himself, even quite depressed (as if it was me who had the affair and a child from it!)- I have to think about how to help him rebuilding his self-esteem in this specific area.
Last week I have decided that I want a morning per week to be dedicated just to talks about the affair- I had my session (him+me only) last week. This week we will have the second meeting. It is good because it keeps me from bringing up the subject out of the 'blues' (so strong this expression in my case). I have not talked to him about the affair this week- I am waiting for my AM (affair morning.) It is tomorrow. I think I will take him out for a walk or to a coffee when the kids are at school. Last week, we took the little ones to an amusement park and we talked. I talked. I think I was not very nice. I will be nicer tomorrow. I gave him specific subjects to think about.
The problem is that I forgot what they were. (I am not going to ask him today about them- no affairs talks until AM- it is my rule). Next time I will record them.
So yes tomorrow I have a date. And I am happily stepping toward ED.
Have a nice week-end all of you!

Bathtubs funkster, both he & I know this, he is putting no pressure on me to "cheer up" I'm putting the pressure on me to get over this & build a better future, just want it sooner than my head will let me have it I think...

Delighted he is scared you might want out, an affair is bad enough but one that lasted a year and he's still in contact with her, no wonder you are still upset, sorry but he needs to accept that your anxiety and upset is caused by HIM, nobody else.

I don't know if I would keep trying tbh, if it's not the same then you might just be flogging a dead horse, not many folk could get past a year long affair.

Come on Jan45!
An affair with someone in the same work-place can easily stretch for a long time. You would not feel it as it is mixed with work- especially if both the OW/M and the betrayer partner work hard and under stress. I have been working long hours in a stressful environment. Well I did not have any affair but believe me my job was a world parallel to my family life. Two different compartments of my life.
Proximity at work and stress are excellent fertilizers for affairs- as long as the partner keeps in his mind job and family separate.
But once the partner understands the impact of his job (stress- affair- etc) on his family life and invest more in his family then that is it: the compartmentalization breaks and he knows that he has to choose: affair or family.
In your case Lostmummy it is clear that he chose family. No dead horse. Just a broken fence between job and family. And it is good. Good Luck!

That's exactly how dh puts it, he says he compartmentalised it , was totally seperate In his head,
Although the a was for a year, it was on and off as he would have a moment of guilt/clarity / what the fuck have I got myself into and tell her they could only be friends,
Then work stress would build again, causing probs at home, she would be sending "friendly" msgs of support & it would happen again, then stop it again,
He says 3 times he stopped it, and the time between encounters got longer every time as he didn't really want to get sucked in again ( prob a bad choice of phrase...) but eventually his ego won & he would let it happen.
This week has been a stressy work week for him, which is prob what's making me wobble a bit,
But we have both revognised that the work stress worries me & why, so have been talking thru it something we would not have done b4.
I hate the fact they work for same company, but am confident that A is over and they both stay away from each other, he avoids the office on days he knows she will be there x

'Bumping' into the OW at work (and feeling embarrassed) in no way counts as being 'in contact' with her!

Cool LM you are on the good path: sharing the stress at work and hand in hand avoiding the pits of modern life! Good Luck! (JTS, LM's H even goes to great length to avoid bumping into her as far as I understood).
Wish me good luck and fair mindedness in my 'date' with H tomorrow. Maybe we will head to the beach. We shall see. (I have trouble deciding of the right time tomorrow. In my Gym there are some classes I love in the morning- and then I have some errands, they have to be done tomorrow to run and then the boys have to go to their swimming lesson. Shall I give up on a Gym session? Tomorrow I will decide! Ah and another problem: one of my daughters came back from Uni today and is quite sad because she broke up with her BF. Is not life wonderful?! No cynicism. I love it all to bits this 'dear life' as Alice Munroe would have put it!)