Almost 1 yr since d day & still feel sad...

[lostmummy12]

As title says, we are almost 1 yr since I found out about h affair,
It went on/off over a yr or so with a work colleague, I was suspicious from the start but had no proof & when asked he always broke down, blamed work stress for distance/moods & changed for a few months for the better..
Now, 1 yr on I still feel sad,
I miss being able to just trust him, even tho he is doing everything to help me do that,
I well up with tears when I look in his eyes, or he calls me "my wife" when snuggled on sofa,
He still works at same company as ow tho I do believe him when he says they have no contact, but I hate the fact that he has to see her name on emails etc.
I told him I still think about affaur/ow everyday, asked if he does,
He says he doesn't think about it every day, but she does cross his mind sometimes, I was pleased by his honesty, but now need to know more- how does he think of her- good way/ bad way/ missing her etc rtn
Am I just pain shopping, should I ask more, he would tell me as he is trying so hard to fix things,
Should I try to leave it in past and move on,
So scared it will drag up the gut wrenching sobs that I thought I'd left behind by now....

Do the gym session, do all the things you want & need to do, put you first xxx
Hope your day goes well x

How are you feeling now lost?

Feeling more positive this morning thanks,
Think writing it all down helps put things into perspective and makes me feel things maybe aren't as bad as I led myself to believe,
As I said, dh's work stress this week made me wobble I think,
Looking forward to the weekend , hoping I can keep my PMA and not let the negative thoughts creep in and spoil things
Hope u all have a good/positive weekend too xx

Hi Lost, I have written my story on another thread but I just wanted to say that I wish you well. I think grief and bereavement are appropriate words to use, it feels as though everything you had is destroyed, and that's a massive loss. On top of that, the person who you would most naturally turn to and be held by at a time of crisis like this is the very person who hurt you. Also, I cry sometimes during sex. It's all fine, then suddenly I can't stop the thought 'how could you do this with someone else? How could you?? (When I was at home giving everything I had to care for your children)'. I think if you think of it as a bereavement, then it's perfectly natural to have good days and sad days when you can't help but mourn what was when life used to be simpler.

Thanks lets go, I read your story & it does give me hope,
Good days are outweighing bad ones generally at moment, but there is always the bkgd sadness and its that that I want to go away, just want the happy days to come naturally again x
Thank you for sharing x

Glad you're feeling a bit better about things lost.

Wobbles are entirely normal! And any outside stress, let alone the work-related stuff which is particularly hard for you will cause them for a while.

We had a massive wobble in November when DH was facing possible redundancy (company restructure), my job was also looking precarious and then then the OW sent DH an email (anonymously) from a brand new email account just asking how we were, asking DH to say goodbye to her in person should leave the company, and saying she never meant to hurt anyone (yeah, right love!).

Felt it set both of us back months in some ways. In the end though I think it brought us closer together as we kept talking the whole time (DH used to bottle stuff up).

Have a good weekend. Try to relax and enjoy the good times...

I think that's the worst thing,
You can have really good positive days where u really feel that this is the right thing, you live each other and can't imagine a life not spent growing old with them,
And then Bang, out of nowhere there's a trigger - a song, eastenders, celebrity cheat scandal, work meeting or email ( God knows how u got over that one!) and everything is brought back so fresh in your mind like it just happened yesterday. You start doubting the decisions you made, even tho 5 mins b4 that trigger u were perfectly content/secure.
I guess as time goes on and trust builds the triggers get less noticeable/ easier to brush off ,
At least, I hope so anyway xx

Hi Lost!
After my kids went to school I did prepare to myself two nice mugs of coffee. I wanted to ponder about my plan for the day when nursing my mugs- and I did enjoy my coffee and before I realized it I just fell asleep until mid-morning when I got a telephone call. Too late for the gym or for the date. He did not awake me. He is happy when I just relax. So yeah it was a nice morning.
About the triggers and thoughts that are lurking for us and attacking us out of the blues: I try to think about soldiers or people who went through big traumas do to overcome the 'flashbacks'. I try distractions. ( a good book at hand- also something nice to eat/drink - a friend to call- a nice walk- nice flowers to smell look at etc little things) That helps. I also try to somehow list the triggers and spot the conditions that bring them about. But still they do come out of the blues and put me down here and there. I accept it and just hope that their frequency and intensity will fade as the time goes by. Time is a healer.
Jones: I think that when I will have time I will read all your posts (in this thread and in 'marriage in recovery'). They are very positive but I do not yet have a full image of your struggles and triumphs. (Excuse my intrusion - any full successful story contribute to my healing.)
Have a nice week end all of you!

Sounds like a like you had a good day,
Resting is good for the soul, listen to your body x
We are going away for a child free wkend, first in years, I'm going to try my hardest not to let negative thoughts in, we both see this wkend as the start of our next chapter, and to start making new memories

I can't picture life without dh in it, nor do I want to, and not does he, we loose nothing by trying to rebuild, but could loose everything by not, If I don't try, I'll never know

Happy weekend all , strength those that need it xx

Quick update from me ,
Had a lovely wkend with dh, really feel that we are on the same path , talked lots, are lots, held hands & heart to hearts with no distractions from anywhere / anyone, no phones, emails, facebook etc.
Made us realise that we do really love each other, do like each other, do want to grow old together and can both do our best to get past/over this by supporting each other & making more time for each other.
More hopeful for the future now,
I think I need to stay away from these boards for a while t help clear my head of any negatives that creep in from reading other people's stories,
Good luck to all in reconciliation,

Take time to rediscover each other, ask yourself" if I met him now, not knowing the past, would I still want his company, fancy him, enjoy being with him, see a future with him" and ask dh to honestly answer the same questions,
If yes, it's probablyworth a shot,
No pain No gain.....??!!??
Thank you to all in here for their opinions/help/advice , it has all helped to put stuff into perspective, even the comments I didn't like!
Good luck, health & happiness to you all xxxxx

Lovely, positive update.

All the best lost

xxx

Hooray another successful story!
Stay away for as long as you want- but please do show every couple of months to support other ladies who might find themselves in the same trouble as us and who need to know that a relationship can survive an affair. There are so many birds around with bad omen in their posts- do not let them sow destructive seeds.

Will certainly pop back to these boards to see how people are doing, but think keep looking thru posts & comparing my story to others isn't helpful,
Dh have decided this is the start of a new, happier, honest, loving chapter and I owe it to myself and my kids to be a happier person & give it my best shot ,
Need to stop worrying about what others think- on here & real life, it's my life and this is my choice,
Sure there will stil be bad days, but there always are in life, just need to put them into perspective,
Being on here means A is always in my mind, not a healthy way to be,

Really do appreciate all the words on here, and hope others move forward in ways that are right for them xxxx

ah Lost that's lovely

I hope everything works out for you, you deserve it

take care xx