Dealing with the abuse

[YKNOTC]

I'm a namechanging regular. I got out and got away and I am safe now.

It's 4 years since I LTB, and I think I've finally come to terms with every aspect of his abuse, except the rape. I can't deal with that.

I was assaulted by two strangers on a school trip as a preteen. It took me a long time to get over what these men did to me, and I think I was a lot more fucked up once I thought I was past it than I was when it still upset me.

My sexuality became important to me. Being a sexual person gave me a kind of control. I didn't do anything particularly out of the ordinary, but I was far more likely to say yes when I meant no. My XH knew about my history. He was nice to me about it. He comforted me and assured me that I was safe and it would never happen again.

And then, after we had been together for 7 years, after we'd just got through a rocky patch, one night he initiated sex, I said no, I actually said the words, and told him I was tired, and he climbed on top of me, told me I didn't mean no, and he raped me.

It wasn't violent. I didn't call it rape. But it changed me.

I did everything I could to avoid being in a situation that could be "misunderstood" for the next five years. I did everything I could to make sure sex wasn't expected. When I couldn't avoid it I made sure to say "yes" because then it couldn't be taken. But I never enjoyed it.

He got nastier in other ways at this time. Much nastier. But I tried to keep control. Then came the day when we were trying to rekindle things. He beat me. I could say "spanked" or something equally erotic and delicate sounding, but it wasn't. He slapped me and beat me so hard I was bruised for more than a week. Blood vessels burst. It hurt, but I didn't tell him to stop. Then he had sex with me whilst I cried.

I didn't see that as rape. I never said no. But there was no enthusiastic consent. I cried throughout.

I realised that whenever he touched me, he often hurt me. If I tried to push his hand away, he'd push back. I'd have to make a big deal each and every time I tried to stop him from touching me.

I hate him. I have to give my children to that man. The courts didn't care about what he'd done to me.

My eldest dc once asked me if he'd ever punched me, because if he had they would never see him again. I told them the truth. He never punched me. And so my dc sees him.

the idea of ever having to be in the same room as him feels me with a sick sense of fear. I know he can never hurt me again, but how will I get through all those days when both parents are supposed to be there? Graduation? Weddings? All these days will be me caught in panic.

I'm not sure why I started this.

I've tried to talk to people in RL recently. I told my dm who was lovely. She told my dsis, who seemed to dismiss it as a part of life. I wanted them to know so that they'd stop doing the "we have to be polite and maintain a relationship with him for the dcs' sake".

I've emailed rape crisis to try to find counselling, but it's been more than a week and no one's got back to me. I've sent it again today just in case.

I want the world to say that it wasn't ok. That what he did was wrong. That he's bad. That I'm not attention seeking. I want to be able to talk about it without feeling ashamed.

I have remarried. I have a wonderful husband, who checks I'm ok and stops before I even realise I'm acting differently. But even now I base a certain amount of my self worth on my desirability. If he doesn't want me I find it very hard to deal with. I don't get angry or upset I just feel rejected and go into myself.

In all honesty I don't know what I'm doing. Sex is important to me, but I worry that deep down I'm not doing things to make me happy. That I'm performing. That something was taken from me and I don't even quite know what it was.

Any advice gratefully received, or just many thanks for reading. Like I said I don't know what I want from this. I want to be normal I suppose.

Big hug.

Have you ever had counselling for this at all?

I think it's great that you have been able to talk to other people about this. I'd say you should draw support from those who have given it, like your mother, but wouldn't mention it again to your sister, although her reaction might lead me to think that she may have her own issues.

It is great that you have a great new husband.

As for your abuser, perhaps you could tell your DS, and relatives, that what he did to you was worse than punch you (and he did hit you).
I don't think it's particularly healthy to hide too many things from your DS, that you are effectively forced to be abused again just by being near him and having to behave normally with him.

Thanks Lweji

I've had counselling to help me get through the stress of seeing him at court, but not specifically for this. I mentioned what he had done, and felt a bit dismissed by her. she was a good counsellor for helping me cope at the time, but not for dealing with how he makes me feel.

I don't want to harm my eldest. He's late teens. He doesn't think much of his dad, I've tried to support their relationship (because I thought it was what was right) but I don't want him learning anything from that man. The other dcs are younger and don't remember what it was like to live with him. They adore him as he Disney dads and they get to do what they want.

Is it odd that I don't see it as him hitting me?

I do want counselling for this. I spoke to my gp in the past and she said it wasn't the right time (she was right I couldn't have coped then), but now I feel it is.

I couldn't give you any advice but I do admire your strength!

Abby, you are very kind. I am so very far from strong.

"I want the world to say that it wasn't ok. That what he did was wrong. That he's bad. That I'm not attention seeking. I want to be able to talk about it without feeling ashamed."

It absolutely was not okay, he is a sick rapist fuck. You are definitely not attention seeking. You deserved better, and you deserve to get better.

You have told your son the technical truth, but in fact you've not told him the whole, real truth, and that's why this aspect is bothering you. I honestly think your son deserves to know what kind of absolute shit his father is. It will be very hard for him to deal with, and there should be support in place for him, but he should know what really happened (not the details obviously.)

You do not want your son to learn about consent from a rapist.

I'm very glad you now have a supportive DH who knows the full picture. Rape Crisis are very stretched. Would you consider looking for a private counsellor with good experience in working with survivors of rape? You can look for a therapist with particular specialisms in your local area from this directory: It's Good To Talk

I do think you need to talk this through with someone who can help you express the pain and anger in a safe way. And could also support you in what approach to take with your DS.

I hope you can move on from this, because you deserve to

It is hard. I want my son to know the truth because it would be easier for me. But surely that's selfish too? I would rather carry all the pain than alleviate my own but give some to him. But you're right that I want him to learn that his dad has no respect for women and has no clue how to behave.

Your words meant a lot, pocket saviour.

I would like counselling but I don't want to risk being with anyone who minimises what happened. I've spent 10 years minimising what happened. I am the queen of minimising. I want it acknowledged. I want to be able to say it without fear of, "well, I suppose that is a sort of rape". I'll check out the link. Thank you.

I am probably going against the grain here but I feel that you owe it to your kids to tell them the truth pretty much at all times about pretty much everything. So my kids know more than average about whats hidden in most families.

We have had discussions about rape, consent etc and I tell them in words they understand what I can. But these are my kids and we have been through such a lot together. My step-children are the same age but I don't have the same discussions with them because they dont have the same life experience.

So my kids know that I was raped when I was younger than them. They know a close friend of ours was abused by her father and uncle when she was their age. I answer the questions asked, I don't generally go into any more detail than necessary. They know and believe that they can honestly ask and tell me anything and I will deal with it. I believe that will be the most important thing in our relationship going forward.

They know that their Dad was (subtly) violent and abusive to me (and to them) and that sometimes these can be grey areas. They know I will stick up for them. They know that violence is not just being hit. They know that people will try and manipulate them.

I agree you should protect your kids from this man. I do not agree with supporting a relationship with a father at any costs. And he didn't punch you - but he did slap, bruise and rape you. Surely that is as bad, if not so much worse. I don't think by telling your son you are being selfish - far from it.

I would encourage you to contact rape crisis again, and if you feel strong enough report him to the police.

I am sorry you have been through so much. I cannot imagine how dreadful it must be, and have been, for you. I wonder if visit to GP could help get you some counselling?

This might be a little hard to hear. You speak about not wanting to cause your son pain, and that is admirable. However, if you don't tell your son, and he absorbs subconsciously from his father that consent is not really important, there may come a day when the amount of pain is increased, because your son repeats his father's actions. Far better for him to learn now what his father really is, while he is young and resilient.

You're doing great just talking about this here and now. If you don't like the first counsellor you get, ask for another one. You need to trust in order for it to work, and not every counsellor is right for every person. It's ok to say it isn't working for you.

Wally, that sounds like an amazing relationship you have with them. Can I ask how old they were when you first spoke to them about it, and how they reacted?

Currentname, the eldest knows about the emotional abuse and he remembers how scared we all were of him, he also remembers arguments about the lies XH used to tell :( he clearly sees that as something he can forgive. There was dv in the form of stopping me leaving, punching things and throwing things near me to frighten me, which was all horrible. I would like to make a statement to the police, but I'm terrified of having to go through it all, and antagonising things. Can you make a statement without the person involved knowing?

We still have a few mutual friends who I would like to talk to about it, but I made a mistake with that before. A mutual friend was trying to persuade me to get back together with him after we split, so I told him about the rape. He stopped trying to persuade me after that, but also said that he would never stop being friends with someone else unless they hurt him personally. I wasn't expecting him to take sides, but it hurt having it stated that he wouldn't IYSWIM.

My dcs do know I would fight for them. I think they express such adoration for him because they're scared he will stop seeing them.

I just want to get things sorted in my head. In some ways I wish I'd never come to the realisation about what he did to me.

TheMship, thank you. You're right. I do have lots of discussions with ds about the importance of consent and how women aren't some scary "other", we're just people too. He sees his dad as a loser.

OP, something has just occurred to me. You say your eldest remembers how violent and threatening his dad was. Is it possible he was asking you if ex punched you because he is seeking an "excuse" to stop seeing his father? But feels he cannot drop contact because at the moment it wasn't "bad enough", iyswim?

Also regarding counsellors: I cannot imagine any counsellor experienced in working with sexual assault survivors would EVER question whether an event was "really" rape. And as you've described these two attacks, you very clearly did not give consent, and the second was a brutal and violent attack. If you are at all concerned about a counsellor, try emailing them first and and give a brief description of what happened and ask them straight out "Do you think this was rape?" Their replies will also help you see how their therapeutic approach is likely to be, so this could also be a useful screening exercise. You can use a throwaway email account if you are worried about anonymity.

Also you say one rape was not violent - well surely by its very nature - rape is always violent?

I agree - I think DS is looking for you to give him permission to cease contact. Maybe in some way he feels he has to see his father to please you?

He did stop contact of his own volition for 6 months, but perhaps he was looking for a reason not to restart it.

I know what you mean by "violent" but my overwhelming feelings about it are humiliation and embarrassment. That it was like being pissed over. I was being claimed as his after questioning our relationship.

All rape is violent :(

I'm so sorry - I have not enough experience to advise you. But please don't feel embarrassed or humiliated. This is not your fault. None of it.

Currentname, thank you for being lovely :)

I just want him gone, I want his influence over me gone, I want my physical reaction to him gone. All of it, just gone.

Bless you - people being lovely is no more than you deserve I wish I had a magic wand and could take away all the awfulness. You must be a very strong person to deal with so much crap. I can't even begin to imagine.

OP, I know exactly what you feel about the humiliation. My dad used to beat me on the buttocks before sexually assaulting me. It wasn't an act of sex, it was about power, control and shaming me. I think you would find many rape survivors have similar stories but it feels so raw and, yes, embarrassing that it is rarely discussed.

Pocket, I'm so sorry you went through that. You're right about it being about power. It's all about power.

Currentname, I wish I was just that little bit stronger. The choice is always to just keep putting one foot in front of the other or stop. I can't stop.

The rest of my life is good now. I'm safe and loved and I finally know what a relationship is supposed to be. I'm so very lucky. I Just wish this would go so that life could be the way it actually is, rather than living in the past.

Life is good, but to be completely honest, dh is currently suffering from depression and is needing a lot of support. He's still lovely, just fragile. So I don't feel like I can share with him at the moment. Probably why I came here in the first place.

If your son asked if his father ever punched you, he might suspect that there was more going on that you haven't told him about.

I... don't know what to think of someone who would still be friends with someone who he knew had raped someone. It's not anything positive, that's for sure.

OP I think rape within marriage holds a different kind of shame. I was raped by a cousin as a child and yes the shame and humiliation is there but it was clear to me that it was wrong.

When my stbxh raped me the shame and humiliation was a thousand times worse because, well I don't know why. It was just how it felt. I was also really confused about whether it was rape even though I tried to fight him off, said no and he pinned me dow, he was completely pissed and I was stone cold sober. It was a much much more violent experience too, he bit a chunk out of my shoulder during it, but even now I can't quite think of him as a rapist. The humiliation I feel when I think about the night is awful because it kind of feels like I failed as a wife. My husband, who made his vows to love and protect me in front of all our family & friends violated my body as if I was nothing. What kind of wife did that make me? I am the mother of his children so why did he have such little respect to treat me like that? I don't think I'll ever answer that. I was nothing to him that night, I could see it in his eyes. I was just a vessel for him to pour his rage and power and control into.

I'm really glad you have managed to find, trust and love a new partner. I'm in awe of you getting to the point that you could be so together to build a success after being let down so badly, how long did it take to get to that point where you could build up trust?

Sorry x-posted. Another agreement that it's all about power.