I'm a namechanging regular. I got out and got away and I am safe now.
It's 4 years since I LTB, and I think I've finally come to terms with every aspect of his abuse, except the rape. I can't deal with that.
I was assaulted by two strangers on a school trip as a preteen. It took me a long time to get over what these men did to me, and I think I was a lot more fucked up once I thought I was past it than I was when it still upset me.
My sexuality became important to me. Being a sexual person gave me a kind of control. I didn't do anything particularly out of the ordinary, but I was far more likely to say yes when I meant no. My XH knew about my history. He was nice to me about it. He comforted me and assured me that I was safe and it would never happen again.
And then, after we had been together for 7 years, after we'd just got through a rocky patch, one night he initiated sex, I said no, I actually said the words, and told him I was tired, and he climbed on top of me, told me I didn't mean no, and he raped me.
It wasn't violent. I didn't call it rape. But it changed me.
I did everything I could to avoid being in a situation that could be "misunderstood" for the next five years. I did everything I could to make sure sex wasn't expected. When I couldn't avoid it I made sure to say "yes" because then it couldn't be taken. But I never enjoyed it.
He got nastier in other ways at this time. Much nastier. But I tried to keep control. Then came the day when we were trying to rekindle things. He beat me. I could say "spanked" or something equally erotic and delicate sounding, but it wasn't. He slapped me and beat me so hard I was bruised for more than a week. Blood vessels burst. It hurt, but I didn't tell him to stop. Then he had sex with me whilst I cried.
I didn't see that as rape. I never said no. But there was no enthusiastic consent. I cried throughout.
I realised that whenever he touched me, he often hurt me. If I tried to push his hand away, he'd push back. I'd have to make a big deal each and every time I tried to stop him from touching me.
I hate him. I have to give my children to that man. The courts didn't care about what he'd done to me.
My eldest dc once asked me if he'd ever punched me, because if he had they would never see him again. I told them the truth. He never punched me. And so my dc sees him.
the idea of ever having to be in the same room as him feels me with a sick sense of fear. I know he can never hurt me again, but how will I get through all those days when both parents are supposed to be there? Graduation? Weddings? All these days will be me caught in panic.
I'm not sure why I started this.
I've tried to talk to people in RL recently. I told my dm who was lovely. She told my dsis, who seemed to dismiss it as a part of life. I wanted them to know so that they'd stop doing the "we have to be polite and maintain a relationship with him for the dcs' sake".
I've emailed rape crisis to try to find counselling, but it's been more than a week and no one's got back to me. I've sent it again today just in case.
I want the world to say that it wasn't ok. That what he did was wrong. That he's bad. That I'm not attention seeking. I want to be able to talk about it without feeling ashamed.
I have remarried. I have a wonderful husband, who checks I'm ok and stops before I even realise I'm acting differently. But even now I base a certain amount of my self worth on my desirability. If he doesn't want me I find it very hard to deal with. I don't get angry or upset I just feel rejected and go into myself.
In all honesty I don't know what I'm doing. Sex is important to me, but I worry that deep down I'm not doing things to make me happy. That I'm performing. That something was taken from me and I don't even quite know what it was.
Any advice gratefully received, or just many thanks for reading. Like I said I don't know what I want from this. I want to be normal I suppose.