Dear OM

[DavidTennantsBeard]

I miss you and I think about you every day. You must have been startled to get my rather abrupt message cutting contact but I am sure you realised exactly what it meant. Although we were just getting to know each other, I was falling for you and I couldn't let that happen. The attraction between us is so strong. We could talk and kiss all night.

You woke me up and made me realise that I don't want to settle for this half-existence. I don't want to live the rest of my life pretending to love my husband. I don't want to feel sad when my friends' husbands do something simple but affectionate for them and I wonder why I chose someone who is so wrapped up in himself. I don't want to feel that sinking feeling when the front door slams and I hear angry shouting as soon as he gets home. I don't want to feel disappointed that my lover makes so little effort to take care of himself. I don't want to keep carrying him when he doesn't take responsibility for his own problems.

I told my husband about you, and that I don't love him anymore and that living with him makes me unhappy. He was stunned, angry and devastated. He's asked me to go to relationship counselling and I've agreed, but I think it's too late. He's always been the same, I just kept telling myself that things would get better when he got a new job, when we got a new place, when we had more moneybut I don't think things will ever get better now. What's changed is me. I've found the strength in myself to get help for my anxiety, to make new friends and find a new job that I love. Recent events have shown that staying with him is no guarantee my kids will be happy, so there is no point in sacrificing my own happiness any more. I cried when I told my mother that I had let the whole family down but you know what? She understood.

So what do I do now? I need to find the strength to somehow break away. Imagining a peaceful future in a home without bitterness and arguing helps keep me going. Maybe that will be the time for me to find someone new, maybe someone like you. Not now. I need to hold onto that thought and stay away from you, for everyone's sake.

Your OW

Sometimes a situation like this is a catalyst: you realise you cannot go on in an empty marriage, that you cannot sentence yourself to more years of misery. I was there; I broke up my marriage because I had strong feelings for someone. Although I never got together with that person, the knowledge that I could feel such strong emotions for someone else told me my marriage was long dead. I left, and I don't regret it. Good luck in your decision.

My situation is similar but without the OM. I think we may be married to the same man Beard

I reached a point where I wanted more, I wanted to have toe curling sex again in my lifetime. But mostly I wanted peace for myself & my DC.

My STBXH moved out last weekend & it is lovely. No more atmosphere, shouting etc.

I think the counselling thing is a delaying tactic to the obvious outcome. You're not happy. Bite the bullet & make steps to change your situation.

Random you must have been very brave to do that-good for you, I'm glad to hear it worked out.

Balders, how did you convince your ex to leave?

Oh blimey, it took 10 weeks for him to move out . But one of our problems was that he decided a few years ago to start his own business without talking to me and then expected me to support the family. So the main obstacle to him moving out was financial and he is a lazy arsehole.

It was an difficult time but i am so glad I got through it & these last 3 days have been bliss.

I think it gets to the point when you can't stand the thought of wasting the rest of your life. As the kids say, YOLO!

yuk

Your op brought tears to my eyes. Similar to my own situation except I knew I had already tried for years so am separating from my partner, father of our 6 year old. We are, 6 months on from the first conversation where I told him I didn't want to have a relationship with him anymore, still sharing the family home, though crossing over less and less often. We're working towards him moving out but finances and care for dc are complicated arrangements.

I am alive again. My life is in colour again. And I am falling deeply in love with a wonderful man, that I never expected.

Go forward. Life will be better than you can predict. Tell yourself, I am a strong woman, I make good decisions, and go live.

Mizuna I can't tell you how good it is to hear from people who have been through this.

I'm so scared I'll lose my nerve and he'll talk me into letting him stay.

Dear OM,

DH came home in a good mood today. We had an amicable evening. It was a relief.

I know if I tell him in counselling that I want out, life will be hell again.

What to do?

Fairylights you are right.

I need to hold on to the reasons why I got to this place. DH has been making a noticeable effort to pull his weight since the s* hit the fan but I think its too late. I have had years of feeling pulled down by him. Maybe its me and I'm a nightmare to live with.

OP, somehow I don't think it's you at all.

I love mizuna's post.."my life is on colour again"
That's how I feel. He moved out recently...divorce due shortly. I feel alive again. Calm, stress free, happy.
He is struggling.

Dear OM,

Its been hard to resist the temptation to contact you but I haven't cracked. As a very self-controlled and determined person yourself, I don't think you'd respect me if I went back on my word. I told a friend about you last night. She had no idea that things had been so bad between DH and I. She did hint thought that she wouldn't put up with someone who didnt pull their weight at home.

I told her about my breakdown two years ago, and how DH refused to stay at home with me when I was suicidal. Now he claims I never asked him to stay with me and I'm beginnning to wonder if I imagined it. He's continuing to be cheerful, affectionate and patient with DD. He even remembered to text me to say he'd be late home last night!

Example DH ridiculous behaviour. He helped himself to a dram of single malt from a bottle bought for me as a present. He had a sip, gave DS a sip and decided he didn't want the rest. So he poured it back into the bottle, yuck. He told me this tonight and I wasn't pleased for obvious hygiene reasons. So now he's in a mood with me for not thinking this is ok.

He's horrible DTB. No special prizes for behaving like a normal human being occasionally. And the whisky - what a cock!

Ugh. I'm confused. DH has been absolutely fine all weekend. He came out with me to the pub on Saturday and was sociable to people. Then we went home and...had amazing, mind blowingly passionate sex. Maybe the best sex we've ever had. I felt so close to him. I felt like he was somehow reclaiming me. Unfortunately in our drunken state we did it unprotected, my fault as I had not thought about where I am in my cycle. I went and got the MAP yesterday as another baby is not an option. He's been so loving and affectionate, I feel that maybe things can be ok after all.

Relationship counselling today. DH nice as pie. Except in equating me reading a book in the evening when kids in bed with him going out doing hobbies during the day while I look after kids. And when he said that I was free to end the marriage if I wanted - but DS1 would always blame himself. Oops he didn't mean that to put me under any pressure.

It feels like this is a very up-and-down phase for you OP. It's very difficult to make decisions when emotions flow one way then another, but they do tend to do that. It's not black and white with your DH but my view from your posts here is that the sex and the good feelings are never going to be consistent or lasting.

God this is hard. DH having a bad time at work and really needs my support. Work problems probably partly due to him being distracted by troubles at home. He wants to reconcile and frankly it would be heartless not to be there for him right now. Things could just slide back to business as usual very easily.

Been reading up on passive aggressive men and this description fits DH to a tee! Refusing to mow the lawn "I'll do it later", throwing a huff then forgetting until it rains/Sunday night and he's run out of time. Several years of the lawn looking like a meadow and guess what Muggins gives up and takes on the job. But woe betide me if I complain as its just because "nothing he does is ever good enough for me" apparently.

The sooner you move on the better really or it will just be endless ups and downs. People rarely change for longer than is neccesary to hook you back in.

DTB your first post sounded so hopeful and sure but it's so hard isn't it?

I'm in a similar situation minus the OM. One of my biggest fears is sliding back into 'business as usual'. We've had one serious talk and he wants to make a go of things. He's always saying things that are 'not meant to put pressure on me' but do.

I don't have any answers but I'm trying to move forward one step at a time to being free.

I'd love to be the one saying in 6 months time how great it feels. I'm sure you would too. Hang in there.

Aubergine yes I've had the "accidental" comments too. He is now saying that he may get made redundant and, maybe I'm just being a mega bitch but part of me suspects this is (maybe unconsciously) designed to get me back on his side, or frighten me that if I don't support him then we'll all be in the poorhouse.