I miss you and I think about you every day. You must have been startled to get my rather abrupt message cutting contact but I am sure you realised exactly what it meant. Although we were just getting to know each other, I was falling for you and I couldn't let that happen. The attraction between us is so strong. We could talk and kiss all night.
You woke me up and made me realise that I don't want to settle for this half-existence. I don't want to live the rest of my life pretending to love my husband. I don't want to feel sad when my friends' husbands do something simple but affectionate for them and I wonder why I chose someone who is so wrapped up in himself. I don't want to feel that sinking feeling when the front door slams and I hear angry shouting as soon as he gets home. I don't want to feel disappointed that my lover makes so little effort to take care of himself. I don't want to keep carrying him when he doesn't take responsibility for his own problems.
I told my husband about you, and that I don't love him anymore and that living with him makes me unhappy. He was stunned, angry and devastated. He's asked me to go to relationship counselling and I've agreed, but I think it's too late. He's always been the same, I just kept telling myself that things would get better when he got a new job, when we got a new place, when we had more moneybut I don't think things will ever get better now. What's changed is me. I've found the strength in myself to get help for my anxiety, to make new friends and find a new job that I love. Recent events have shown that staying with him is no guarantee my kids will be happy, so there is no point in sacrificing my own happiness any more. I cried when I told my mother that I had let the whole family down but you know what? She understood.
So what do I do now? I need to find the strength to somehow break away. Imagining a peaceful future in a home without bitterness and arguing helps keep me going. Maybe that will be the time for me to find someone new, maybe someone like you. Not now. I need to hold onto that thought and stay away from you, for everyone's sake.
Your OW