Really Struggling

[EFG123]

Don't want to give details in case she's on here.

Have been betrayed by DH, I'm remaining as calm as possible for the sake of DC, just wanted to ask if anyone has regretted not screaming and throwing his things out?

I know it's best for dc but not sure it's healthy for me.

Not regretted no, but there are always things in hindsight you'd do differently. Bit you have to do what you feel is right now. Has he had an affair?

Yes.

To be honest at the moment I just want him back, I know this will pass but its so hard.

Advice on here after affairs is usually to boot him out while considering your options, even if you're pretty sure you want to stay together. Let him realise what he's done, experience consequences and contemplate what he stands to lose. Otherwise likely to have to "swallow the shit sandwich" and perform the "pick me dance".

Not better for DC in long run to remain together if he cheats again or you are very unhappy.

Sorry you're having a bad time. Have you got support in RL? Hope so.

Unless you know OW is a MNetter don't assume she is or will see anything you write.

He's not here, but is on his own, at the moment. He is genuinely devastated about what he's done, but he did it so that can't be erased by saying sorry.

I have said I want him back, but I won't again, its just so hard.

I have support, everyone has been very supportive, eldest dd has been amazing.

Work has offered counselling, did anyone find that helpful?

It is very hard,.
For me it would be was it a one off, stupid fling, or a sustained relationship. The first would be very hard, the second unforgiveable.

Would he agree to go to counselling? Is the OW out of the picture & can you trust him to stick to that?

Xpost.....yes it can help clarify your thoughts, one way or another.

It's been going on for quite a long time. As things stand he's not coming back, but I can't help hoping.

Counselling would be for me.

Seems so unfair he seems to gets to choose.

Counselling for you alone might be good - not had it for these reasons but found it helpful in other circumstances.

has he told you what you want to know (and do you believe you have the truth), has he ceased all contact with OW?

if he's staying elsewhere hope you get some "time off" too, unfair if not.

Hope he's not making excuses like "x, y and z were wrong with our relationship/my life/you" - no relationship is perfect but he needs to take full responsibility for his harmful actions.

How do I face being alone if he goes off to play happy families with her?

How will my dc cope?

He's taken full responsibility not blaming me, she's not out of the picture. He's taking time to get his head together.

You get to choose too. Why give him the ego trip of having you waiting hopefully for him?

Sometimes anger and pride can be useful.

He's not here but lots of contact.

I need some anger, can't seem to get past the sadness that I've lost him.

I wanted him to know a second chance could be possible, but feel I shouldn't feel that way.

It's so hard to do what you think you should do, when it's your life and the man you love.

If he goes to her, let him. You can have a good life without him.

DC will be OK.

If "taking some space" means keeping you doing the "pick me dance" and living the life of Riley and seeing OW while you care for the DC and keep everything running, stuff that, get him to pull his weight!

I think counselling for you would be a good idea.
I'm so sorry.
You know you have done the right thing.
Doesn't make it any easier though, does it?
X

Contact with me and dc that should have Said. No idea about contact with her. Seems to be available time wise, definitely living alone.

When I feel up to it, which means eating and sleeping, friends are going to take me out to get drunk and let off steam. I Will expect him to have dc.

He has offered school pick up etc. but I can't help thinking that won't last, if he's going to be with her.

It's not his choice, love.
Change is scary.
It's a massive upheaval.
Worse as you're still in love with him.
But seriously... You think you're going to stay in love with a man who not only has a long term affair but then walks out on his kids ("taking time", my arse) to think about it?
Really?
Find you anger.
Do you REALLY want that back? Really think you can't fall out of of love with a shithead like that?

Your oldest daughter might well have been wonderful. But she shouldn't have to be, shouldn't know he's done this, he shouldn't HAVE done this. But that's what he's prepared to put her through!

Still love him?

Yes, today you do. But that, and the pain will pass.

I firmly believe that the only affair you can get over is one where the guilty party really wants to make amends. Your arsehole wants time. Give to him. Along with divorce papers.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Definitely do the counselling.

Let him stew for a bit then. Reduce contact except to organise things with DC and essential admin/finance/practical stuff. Focus on yourself and DC.

Perhaps see a lawyer and get financial advice,and research online how finances and things might work if you separate permanently. for your info.

Totally understandable to still want him. some couples do come back from an affair. But he would have a lot of work to do, and right now he doesn't sound at all reliable, could hope for the best but prepare for the worst?

cabrinha I know you're right, just so hard to do.

Yes, get him to do school pick ups and things, and use the time (keep away from him during this time) to do things for YOU!