Really Struggling

[EFG123]

Don't want to give details in case she's on here.

Have been betrayed by DH, I'm remaining as calm as possible for the sake of DC, just wanted to ask if anyone has regretted not screaming and throwing his things out?

I know it's best for dc but not sure it's healthy for me.

duckdemon That's where I am really, he knows how I feel but I'm trying not to chase him if you see what I mean, need to get back to work and some normality or the new version of normal.

Probably need to cut back on contact.

We haven't discussed money yet, we will survive financially as I work. I made a solicitor appointment then cancelled it, need to re book.

Need to get dc sorted for school, thanks, will be back later.

Tell him you need time to think about what you want to happen.

1. Sort out access and maintenance as soon as possible. He needs to get a taste of the future he's chosen.

2. Cut all contact between the two of you. Repeat that you need time and space to think. Try to limit contact to email and text (i.e. in writing) and about the children.

3. Stop all relationship privileges - no sex, no laundry, no little chats.

Whether you want the marriage to continue or to end, this is the best way of dealing with either outcome.

In the meantime, don't keep his secret for him.

"Can you have the children on Thursday evening, I need to see my solicitor? Huh? About the divorce of course. Oh, you need to talk to your mum, I'm afraid I'd assumed she knew you'd been having sex with someone else and explained that's why you weren't living here any more".

Yes, he needs to deal with the reality of single life: access and childcare arrangements, having to ask for more flexibility at work, money, reactions of family and friends. Whether or not you work you need to work out - even for the short term - what he should be paying for and get a fair amount of cash transferred to you.

Well I know now it's over, trying to spare my feelings at this stage by not being straight wasn't really working.

I've already told his parents, he's been too cowardly and ashamed to face them.

So yes I need to sort out practical stuff, and see a solicitor.

Not sure I can be too harsh on access for DCs sake but i need to make sure they're treated properly, so just days out with him for quite a while. We have some assets to sell he won't be keen to part with but for the sake of my feelings and the DCs he'll have to suck it up.

He essentially wants us to remain friends, not sure that's possible, certainly civil for the children.

On money, he's apparently happy to sign the house over to me and not take his share of the equity, not entirely sure she won't try to influence that.

Savings will be split. Need to sit down and talk maintenance. I don't want to be unreasonable if he's giving me his share of the house, but at this stage the house is an expense to me not an asset.

Sorry you're having to face all this.

Would avoid discussing major financial stuff, beyond day to day maintenance, until you've had legal advice: he may well change his tune.

Of course be fair about access / shared care (?) of the DC.

As for being "friends", apart from co-parenting the DC and civility that wouldn't seem to benefit you at this stage, probably more about him and how he fears being seen by others for leaving you for an OW. Friends don't treat each other badly: he doesn't deserve your friendship.

Friends schmends....that's a ploy to keep you onside so he (poor duck) won't have to deal with your righteous anger at his appalling behaviour.

I echo what Caprinha says above.

You may love a "him" that no longer exists but the person he has now shown himself to truly be is not someone who is worthy of your time, energy, respect, worry or good opinion.

Take back the power. Concentrate on yourself and your DC. Any fixing that may be done, or reconciliation is entirely his responsibility.

While he has a think about the (natural) consequences of his bad choices, you get on with sorting out the rational implications.

1. Counselling for you...stop relying on your DC, they are not your crutch
2. Solicitor to get everything sorted...no informal "I -will-look-after-you-and-DC" as he has shown he is not to be trusted.
3. Get his belongings out of the house

I know you right, I've already started thinking about packing some of his things, can't keep looking at them. I've made a bit of a start, mainly getting his washing done so I can put it away where I can't see it. I know some of you will think I shouldn't but I have to deal with some things my own way.

Priorities are,

Initial solicitor meeting.
Sort out immediate finances so I know where I stand and can budget.
Counselling appointment for me.
Day to day stuff, like how much milk do I need to order, stupid little things.

Just to be clear I've been talking things through with friends, eldest DD has been supportive as in lots of cuddles, encouraging me to eat, DC can't be shielded from this but are being put first by me.

getting his washing done

I am not judging...I've done exactly the same.
But here's the thing.....it's no longer your responsibility.
It hasn't been yours since whenever he started thinking about this affair.

Bag up his stuff (do NOT concern yourself with folding neatly or whatever).

Clear out your bedroom at the very very least. Fresh sheets- new if you can afford it. New pillows and paint.
You have to do this.
Even if it is possible that he "comes home" or that you fix it.
You will be much, much stronger for having that space that is now yours to think in.

He's definitely not coming home, doesn't want to.

Even his mother has suggested redecorating the bedroom, and has offered to pay.

Don't want to spend much tbh until I'm clear where I stand financially, not the big stuff just maintenance.

Take his mother's money. Use it for whatever is a priority.
But physically, clear out your bedroom.

I'll start in the bedroom and work around the house from there, need some boxes.

He seems surprised I'm thinking about his stuff being out of the house. Why does he think I want to live with his things? He really hasn't thought this through.

He's relied on me making decisions and supporting him for so long he's lost now.

Hi OP it's scary watching your thread unfold as its about 10 weeks since my life 'collapsed' in an almost identical way.

I found out about my DH's affair with a junior work colleague. We were married 10 years, 3DC, and he was a man nobody would think capable of such a thing. I'm still so shocked, HE did THAT.

I knew and had read about the 'pick me' dance yet still did it and I'm so disappointed with myself.

My DH told me just after Christmas that he didn't love me anymore and it was over, denied another woman. I found the evidence. We had had the most wonderful Christmas. He even shagged 'her' Christmas day after waiting till I fell asleep and all my family had left and sneaking out.

After the big reveal I fell apart for a week, begging on my hands and knees, threatened suicide (I can't believe it, I felt that bad) had sex with him repeatedly to try to 'convince' him I was worthy of him staying and he chose her.

I suddenly came to my senses after about a week and found a house, moved out with the children and have set up the most lovely home with my children. It is a new build townhouse which is actually perfect as it already smelt of new paint and carpets and is perfect for new beginnings.

I went through a phase of anger and sending vitriolic emails and texts but I cannot get him to respond, he will neither explain verbally or in writing what happened or even apologise. He just shrugs his shoulders.

We live in a small town and I have told EVERYONE. Right from the first day I decided not to keep his dirty little secret and I don't think there is anyone left who doesn't know what he has done. His family still talk to me regularly. His father is so sorry and embarrassed about his son's behaviour.

He remains a good father and has the children often. He has given me money and everything I have asked for.

The brilliant news is that I fell out of love with him weeks ago. The scales fell from my eyes and I saw him for what he was, a weak sad little man with a compulsive lying habit. I wouldn't take him back if he was a lottery winner. I write down my feelings and have a 'what I hate about you' book that I write things about him in. To be honest he has been emotionally abusive for years but I never even noticed.

I am now free. I feel happiness and like myself again. I still get down days and moments when I can't believe this happened. Oh and his affair with the OW didn't even last.

This feels like hell at the moment OP but you CAN do this.

Flange can I ask what you make of the no replies to your texts. Have you worked out why? It's what happened to me and I'm interested in other peoples reasoning behind it.

Flange Thanks for sharing, it is good to hear from someone whose been through this and survived.

I'm trying not to think about the affair as much as possible, its grubby and makes my skin crawl but there's nothing I can do to turn back time. He is genuinely ashamed which is something and is in touch regularly. His behaviour now is bizarrely better than it clearly has been.

I did the same as you, thought there might be a chance, but there wasn't, I wish he'd be clearer sooner and saved my that, I have started to move on and to focus on the future for me and the DC. I'm managing to feel that I can now take back some control.

Like you I've quickly realised this isn't the man I married or the man his friends and family thought he was. His life isn't going to be what he thinks it's going to be, he's in for a shock, i think, when he moves onto his new life. He hasn't thought this through at all, but that's not my problem.

Weebirdie the best thing I did was read 'runaway husbands' a book often discussed here, it explains the reasons some men just up and leave their wives without an explanation.

For my DH I think he thought he fell out of love with me, fancied a bit on the side and when it all came out (I don't think he ever expected me to find out) the shame has stopped him confronting it. He would rather never think about it again than apologise. Every time he sees me he remembers his shame, not my hurt. That's why he is a selfish weak man. I actually think he is still in love with me and wishes he could turn back time but to cope he has to expend every bit of energy not to think of the past.

That's what I think anyway!

EFG123 you sound like you are doing really well. He is NOT the man you thought you married and the sooner you fully absorb that the sooner you will recover. You will be fine.

I agree Flange and its what my counsellor has told me though Im not sure about him still loving me, but who knows. I think Im more inclined to go with that he cant cope with what he has done and my very unexpected reaction to it so he just tells himself I don't exist so he doesn't have to think about his mess.

Mine is facing the mess and pain he's caused but I think it's some kind of penance he thinks will help with the guilt he's feeling.

He isn't moving straight in with her, again I think this is guilt combined with trying to make things look better, like somehow he can pretend he hasn't left us for her.