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Original poster

Inappropriate messages at the beginning of relationship.

33 replies

Rlhorm100 · 17/03/2015 22:34

I've been with my OH four years and we have a 9 month old LG. Things are generally good. We've been through a lot with our families and there has been times we've both questioned our relationship but I guess that's only normal in a long term partnership. Only thing slightly getting to me was he's been texting and calling his boss (female) a fair bit and I've felt rather insecure. He knows how I feel and has been reassuring - says there's nothing to worry about, he's committed to our family ect.

On Sunday OH was out with a couple of mates and he ended up very drunk. He fell asleep on the couch and I took his phone as I wanted to put my mind at ease (wrong, I know.) All messages were innocent and related to work so it turns out I was worrying for nothing. He's a manager too so they have to communicate a fair bit which I now understand. However, there was a message from a number which wasn't saved asking how family life was and if we were still together. I clicked on it and scrolled up. I found messages from June 2011 between them which were flirty, inappropriate, sexual and implied they may have had dinner together. Things like 'I wish you were here cuddling me' 'I could talk to you all night' 'you can come see me any time.' ect. We had been together three months at that point and he had just taken me on a weekend away. He asked for a picture of her so he could look at it and it turns out I know this girl and the three of us have been in the same room on a few occasions. These messages stopped as sudden as it started it seems but she's been texting him randomly now and then and he's never responded. Only thing he replied to was when she said she was shocked and found it weird he was having a baby (after we announced on Facebook) and he told her he was over the moon and couldn't wait to have his own family.

Would you confront him if it was your OH? I don't know how to feel about it and was looking for some opinions

OP posts:
JoyceDivision · 17/03/2015 22:40

yep. I would.

I'd 'fess up, along the lines of 'I looked at your phone when you were asleep because I've been getting worried about you and your boss. I kow that's wrong, andnothing was happening with your boss, but, I now know you did this...' and then let him talk.

Linguini · 17/03/2015 22:45

It was a long time ago. He sounds committed to you now, although at the beginning of your relationship there was obviously some overlap.

Personally, i would let this go. You have a baby who your are both overjoyed by and a future to build
together.

primarywannabe · 17/03/2015 22:49

If the number isn't saved then it suggests he's deleted her from his phone. The lack of replies suggests that he has no interest in her.
I think I'd speak to him, but I don't think you need to worry. If he did have something going on then it was when you were only just dating- for me that wouldn't be a deal breaker.

handfulofcottonbuds · 17/03/2015 22:51

Why has he kept the messages?

RJnomore · 17/03/2015 22:52

Does he still have the photo? Id find it weird the messages from 2011 hadn't been deleted tbh. Even I would have.

Has he changed phone handset since then?

Ikeameatballs · 17/03/2015 22:55

No, I wouldn't confront him.

Years ago there was some overlap in relationships, he now sounds very committed to you and has not responded to more recent messages from this woman. You are now not concerned about the messages between him and a colleague.

What would you gain? His behaviour almost 4 years ago at the start of a relationship is surely outweighed by everything since then. You would also have to explain that you looked.

bberry · 17/03/2015 22:56

It was back when you just started dating.... He hasn't encouraged the communication, in fact he's been straight about wanting to have a family...

I would let it go personally, it's not important... In my opinion

sweetmuffins · 17/03/2015 22:59

The messages must mean something to him to be kept on his phone all these years. Almost to be able to dip into them to reminisce the flirtations at the time. He sounds like he's committed to you now, but why won't he leave the past in the past? That's what I'd be asking myself.

Original poster
Rlhorm100 · 17/03/2015 23:11

I just presumed he hadn't deleted the conversation. I still have messages from when I got this phone over two years ago that I just never bothered to delete. It's still the same handset as when we met as well.

Thanks for all the replies so far

OP posts:
Eekaman · 18/03/2015 00:20

Leave it. Do your very best to forget about something that is over, never went very far and was before he fully committed to you.

And stop snooping and prying, you've proved there's nothing to worry about, so get out of that space and relax, or it'll drive you bonkers. He'll be out for a drink and you'll be worrying, he'll be at work, and you'll be wondering about what you imagine he could be up to - this isn't good or, from what you say, necessary. Good luck xx

NeedABumChange · 18/03/2015 00:27

I don't delete messages so I don't find that odd.

Tbh after four good years, a baby and his complete lack of response to her I'd just ignore it. Maybe screenshot and save everything somwhere deep in your emails in case she suddenly makes a reappearance. Three months is pretty early in a relationship, had you had the "exclusive" chat?

whoopsbunny · 18/03/2015 00:30

Whatever it was, it doesn't sound like it's reciprocated now. He's not responded to her. I never delete messages either. I wouldn;t confront over this - just be 'aware' of it.

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 18/03/2015 00:53

I don't delete messages either, not since I got an iPhone several years ago in fact. I didn't know that deleting messages on a phone which will essentially never run out of space was even a thing. Or maybe I'm just really unpopular and not enough people text me... Confused

If I keep loading previous messages and scrolling back and back and back I find all sorts of old stuff I would otherwise have no idea is still stored on my phone.

l12ngo · 18/03/2015 18:46

I'd be pretty pissed off if my partner had been rooting around my phone and spying on me. You're looking for signs he's broken your trust but you've done that to him. I'd definitely not mention it, especially given it looks like he's committed to you.

There's obviously something not quite right if you're feeling this way. You say he's been reassuring but that's obviously not been enough. Maybe some counselling may help understand where this is coming from because I do sympathise, it's not a nice way to feel. It'd benefit both you and your OH if you can resolve the deeper lying issue before it really starts to impact your relationship.

something2say · 18/03/2015 18:56

The lack of response says it all. Id let it go and concentrate on building and enjoying the life you want to make for yourself.

Fairenuff · 18/03/2015 19:00

I would delete the messages and photo and forget about them. He's obviously not interested in her.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 18/03/2015 19:35

I keep all sorts of messages on my phone, some very old. Never read them and they are kept for different reasons; as a personal diary, for work reference. Nothing sinister.

BathtimeFunkster · 18/03/2015 19:53

there has been times we've both questioned our relationship but I guess that's only normal in a long term partnership

I would say not.

You don't trust this guy and now you know that your lack of trust has its basis in deceit right at the start of your relationship.

At 3 months people who are genuinely into each other are not playing the field.

I also note that he has told her that he is excited about having a baby, but never that he is delighted about being with you.

I wouldn't be pretending this never happened, but that's not in my nature.

Will you be happy from now on knowing that your relationship started with him cheating on you?

bberry · 18/03/2015 22:32

I don't think there's anything wrong with having a nosy around.... But

You will always find something you may wish you hadn't seen

I don't see it as a breaking of trust... It's just natural curiosity sometimes

And yes, I do accept that partners probably have done this to me too, I'm not really bothered....

Azquilith · 18/03/2015 22:39

I'd leave it.
He closed it down and ignored her for years and you know there's nothing going on with the boss.

Bogeyface · 18/03/2015 23:02

If he had always replied and it was on going then I would, but he shut her down with the comment about your baby. It made it quite clear he was happy with you, happy about the baby and looking forward to the future with you both.

I suspect that they had a brief flirtation that overlapped with your relationship starting and she has always held onto the hope that he would dump you and go off into the sunset with her.

He has made it very clear that he isnt interested so I would let it go.

TRexingInAsda · 18/03/2015 23:13

I'd let it go personally. It was 3 months in, which is very, very early days, then it stopped completely. He's deleted her number. She's tried again several times and he's ignored her every single time bar once when he's told her he's over the moon at his family situation, never an encouragement, or even a neutral response. For me, that says everything, so personally I'd leave it now.

If she ever comes back into your lives at any point in future, bring it up then. If you feel there's something you want to know, ask him, but I'm not sure it would improve anything tbh, it might just create some mistrust and remind him to delete any texts in future.

springydaffs · 19/03/2015 01:04

Am I missing something here? From what I've read he was cheating on you. That would be a big deal for me, yes. For the life of me I can't understand the general consensus to 'forget about it'.

Rebecca2014 · 19/03/2015 06:12

3 months is still early days. It became a point where he knew he wanted to be committed to you and he stopped all contact. But it sounds like they were meeting up...now were you two exclusive at this point? Maybe he thought you weren't and was still testing what other women were out there.

Personally I would let it go in this situation.

FenellaFellorick · 19/03/2015 07:33

I'm over the moon and can't wait to have my own family is a very clear message. He was telling her kindly and gently that he's not interested, that his family is you.

However, yes, when you were first together, going by those messages he was certainly involved in some way with her. What that was, only he knows.

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