Inappropriate messages at the beginning of relationship.

[Rlhorm100]

I've been with my OH four years and we have a 9 month old LG. Things are generally good. We've been through a lot with our families and there has been times we've both questioned our relationship but I guess that's only normal in a long term partnership. Only thing slightly getting to me was he's been texting and calling his boss (female) a fair bit and I've felt rather insecure. He knows how I feel and has been reassuring - says there's nothing to worry about, he's committed to our family ect.

On Sunday OH was out with a couple of mates and he ended up very drunk. He fell asleep on the couch and I took his phone as I wanted to put my mind at ease (wrong, I know.) All messages were innocent and related to work so it turns out I was worrying for nothing. He's a manager too so they have to communicate a fair bit which I now understand. However, there was a message from a number which wasn't saved asking how family life was and if we were still together. I clicked on it and scrolled up. I found messages from June 2011 between them which were flirty, inappropriate, sexual and implied they may have had dinner together. Things like 'I wish you were here cuddling me' 'I could talk to you all night' 'you can come see me any time.' ect. We had been together three months at that point and he had just taken me on a weekend away. He asked for a picture of her so he could look at it and it turns out I know this girl and the three of us have been in the same room on a few occasions. These messages stopped as sudden as it started it seems but she's been texting him randomly now and then and he's never responded. Only thing he replied to was when she said she was shocked and found it weird he was having a baby (after we announced on Facebook) and he told her he was over the moon and couldn't wait to have his own family.

Would you confront him if it was your OH? I don't know how to feel about it and was looking for some opinions

sorry, posted too soon. Wanted to say that it really is for you and you alone to decide whether the questionable messages and implied relationship when you were first dating is something you need to raise, or whether his later message to her saying basically he has a family and he's not interested means that he never pursued it.

It all depends how you feel. If it's going to eat away at you then you may be best talking to him about it rather than it being the elephant in the room.

I would have to confront it....plain and simple. You were together at the time. However it does seem as if she's been sent off with a flea in her ear....

She's certainly a tryer

I think it very much depends on what you want to achieve? What do you want to happen?

On the basis of the facts as of now I'd leave well alone because you've found out that your fears are groundless and you've also found out that someone who was pursuing him was knocked back.

However, when you say you've questioned your relationship I wonder how much you're using the above to express deeper concerns? If you are, then you have to admit that and talk it out with him.

In a nutshell don't go looking for trouble where none exists, but if you're struggling with something then you need to take steps to resolve it.

I definitely wouldn't say, you would have to admit to checking his phone, I'd be very upset if my DF did that.

I would honestly forget about it. It is relatively normal to have a period at the start of the relationship before things become committed - his later messages have been exemplary and he's clearly demonstrated that he is trustworthy.

I am concerned that you were worried about what turned out to be a completely innocent relationship with his boss. It sounds as though you have trust issues. I don't mean that in a critical way - people who have mistrust can't always 'just turn it off'! - but I do think that it genuinely sounds like you don't have any reason to worry, which raises the question of why you feel worried in spite of that.

I would be very pissed off if I had just been on a weekend away with a new boyfriend and he was behaving like this with someone else . You would probably have been very upset had you discovered this at the time, so it's understandable your upset now.

Would you have continued to see him if you had known he was having these conversations , had possibly met up with her ?

Personally I'd have to bring it up, he clearly was cheating on you with her at the start of the relationship and now expects you to be A ok with their working relationship - what happens when things are going shit and she's offering it on a plate again, sorry but you looked because your gut was telling you something was not right, otherwise it would never have entered your head.

And you have no idea if he replied, he could have deleted after he sent them.