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Original poster

can it work if one person is much more into the relationship?

31 replies

BippityBoppity · 17/03/2015 20:31

STBX moved out in Sept after a 13 year relationship. I had a tough time dealing with it, but since some counselling and meds I've felt a lot more like myself.

I was recently asked out by someone I've known in passing for a couple of years and initially I said no, but then he asked again so we went out on Sunday afternoon.

We had a lovely time and he was working a split shift, but asked to see me again after work. I agreed and he came to mine for something to eat and a chat.

But towards the end of the night, he got a bit intense - even said that he loves me and when I told him it was too soon to even think that he cried and begged me not to break his heart.

I made him leave but he's been texting me since (a lot).

The thing is - I do like him, enjoy his company and find him engaging. But, no where near as much as he likes me. I'm not daft - I know he doesn't love me, but he's just too much.

I'm not looking to jump into a big serious relationship. I had imagined seeing each other a couple of times a week maybe, just having some fun and seeing where things lead to.

Could it work if we want such different things or should I just run?

OP posts:
NaiceNickname · 17/03/2015 20:41

He said he loves you, and then cried and begged for you to not break his heart.

On the first date.

Run, and don't even think about looking back.

Charley50 · 17/03/2015 20:43

Sounds like he's had a thing for you for a while and that it would be a big mistake to get into a relationship with him.

PeppermintCrayon · 17/03/2015 20:44

Red flags red flags

Run away, seriously

Perfectlypurple · 17/03/2015 20:45

Run definite red flag ??

GoatsDoRoam · 17/03/2015 20:51

Waaaaay too intense. Dump and run.

You don't want to get entangled with a needy drama llama. There are other people out there who are engaging and good company.

Original poster
BippityBoppity · 17/03/2015 20:52

Thank you all for saying that - I wasn't sure if it was just me. I haven't even said all the stuff he said/did on the night. I was a bit frightened to be honest Blush

Could I tell him that I don't want to see him again by text or should I do it face to face?

OP posts:
Thetruthshallmakeyefret · 17/03/2015 20:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thetruthshallmakeyefret · 17/03/2015 20:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GoatsDoRoam · 17/03/2015 20:59

Text is fine.

NaiceNickname · 17/03/2015 21:00

Text. He frightened you, don't physically be around him again if you can help it. He sounds unhinged.

pocketsaviour · 17/03/2015 21:01

Text is fine, and trust your instincts. I wouldn't try to sugarcoat it with "it's just too soon for me to date again" either, or you might find he's hanging around "waiting" for you Hmm

ImperialBlether · 17/03/2015 21:03

Do you mind if I ask whether you slept with him? It doesn't sound as though you did from the OP, but it would change things (in my opinion.)

Original poster
BippityBoppity · 17/03/2015 21:06

No.

We kissed a bit, but no more than that. He tried to push it a few times, but I was clear that there was nothing more than a kiss on offer.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 17/03/2015 21:17

That makes it even worse, that he tried to push you into more than you wanted.

I would have gone right off him by now.

Original poster
BippityBoppity · 17/03/2015 21:59

Right - I've messaged him. Just said that I wouldn't be seeing him again as we obviously wanted different things and just weren't right for each other.

I hate any kind of confrontation, so have just turned my phone off and will keep it off for a couple of days. I don't want to engage in some kind of discussion vas I just don't want to see him again.

The last time I went out on a date was in 1998. I hope that it's not always like this Smile

OP posts:
GoatsDoRoam · 18/03/2015 14:36

Under the circumstances, I think that turning your phone off for a couple days is a very wise move.

Can you block him? Some phones will let you. You know that anything he sends is unlikely to be reasonable or healthy, so you might as well shield yourself from it completely.

loveareadingthanks · 18/03/2015 14:44

Christ no, he sounds deranged.

When DP and I met we got pretty full on pretty fast, but no one was declaring love and sobbing over it and trying emotional blackmail on the 2nd date. This wasn't a case of different speeds or different needs, this was a man with some sort of emotional problem and you happen to have been in his way.Huuuge difference.

Avoid him at all costs. It'll just be messy and embarrassing. Poor man needs something, but not you.

SolidGoldBrass · 18/03/2015 14:49

Poor man my arse, he's a misogynistic, predatory dickhead. I doubt he's moping at home, he's likely to be flinging himself howling at the feet of the next woman he's spotted who he thinks might be vulnerable/soft-hearted enough to let him cop a feel.
If he doesn't go away, OP, don't feel you 'owe' him another chance. You owe him nothing at all. And if he harasses you, it's fine to involve the police. Once you have told a man that you have no interest in a relationship with him and no desire for any contact with him, for him to continue bothering you is harassment even if it consists of sending you flowers and love poetry and jewellery and all the rest of it. It's not romantic, it's stalking.

RubbishMantra · 18/03/2015 15:00

Oh nooo! I'd be terrified!

Sounds like a potential stalker. And the telling him you don't want to get involved/have a full on relationship can be like a red rag to a bull for some men. Possibly they see it as you throwing down the gauntlet? A bit of a challenge?

RubbishMantra · 18/03/2015 15:05
  • Didn't mean my post to sound like I was telling you you shouldn't have told him you weren't interested. Just that sometimes people can be entitled arses when they don't get what they want.
lunalelle · 18/03/2015 17:33

Seconding the run away fast advice! Red flags, big, giant red flags everywhere!

BitOfFun · 18/03/2015 17:42

What kind of phone have you got? It's often possible to block particular numbers from calling or texting you.

Original poster
BippityBoppity · 18/03/2015 20:36

I have a Samsung s5 - I'll have a bit of a nose around Google and see if I can block him.

Like I said, there was some other odd stuff - he tried to give me a love bite on my neck and when I pulled him off my neck, he said that he wanted to 'mark me' so people would know that I was his. I told him to go and that's when he started the other stuff.

I'm in the house alone tonight and I do feel slightly uneasy (and a bit foolish for letting him know where I live before I actually knew him).

It's a lesson learned, I suppose.

OP posts:
honeyroar · 18/03/2015 20:45

IF you're that worried perhaps keep your phone on, you may get indication from his texts if he were going to come round.. Could you go round to a friends?

SilverFishFly · 18/03/2015 20:51

Not all dates will be as bad as this one - don't let it put you off dating!

It's a shame your first date was with a bit of an odd one. I went out with soneone for 6weeks, but realised i wasn't over my ex and ended up getting back together with ex. The 6wk person went emotionally bonkers virtually stalking me by text/call, refused to go away, even claimed suicidal tendancies, blamed me for an accident he had when i was 200miles away, says i have damaged him emotionally for ever. This was after a 6wk relationship