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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need advice on where this is going please?

57 replies

Milliemooxo · 17/03/2015 15:09

Hey all,

I have posted on here in the past when my mum died and it was nice to get some support from other mums (I'm not a mum myself) so I hope it is okay to post again for some sound advice :)

I have recently met a guy who is friends with my older brother. I have known him for a while because of this obviously, but more just like somebody to say hello to. I don't get on with my older brother particularly well.

Anyway, since Christmas i have seen this guy out in bars quite regularly and we always chat along with his friend who also knows my brother very well and we all get along well and have a laugh. A few weeks ago me and this guy ended up alone and we kissed. We then exchanged messages via facebook.

This weekend I saw the two guys again and my friend and I stayed with them all night. The guy I like held my hand all night and was really sweet. He told my friend he likes me and that he won't mess me about. He was drunk though lol! His friend also told my friend that he seemed smitten with me Blush. We ended up going back to his friends house and had drinks there until the early hours and he held my hand on the sofa all night and we cuddled etc. We then went back to my house where we slept together and he stayed til around 1pm that afternoon. He said he didn't want to go home and even mentioned a next time..

Anyway, that was at the weekend and since then we have spoke every day but only 3-4 messages per day and it's been me who has initiated it. He takes a while to reply but I guess I've been comparing him to my ex who we used to text all day every day. He asks questions and keeps the conversation flowing, and popped up with a silly photo to make me laugh last night.

BUT..He hasn't asked me out! I mentioned him tkaing me out at the weekend in a jokey manner but he said he had no money until he gets paid. I daren't mention it again and I daren't ask him out myself in case he says no. I don't even mind going out where we have to pay..I'd be happy just to see him or go for a drive etc!

Does it sound like he is interested? Or am I wasting my time? I do really like him, and when i saw him at the weekend with his friend, he asked if the two of us wanted time alone - which made me think he had told him we'd been chatting. Do I keep waiting and initiating conversations or do I just ask him out myself?

Sorry it's so long and thanks for any help!

OP posts:
mix56 · 17/03/2015 15:23

Sounds like you are in a hurry. Just let it evolve, if he is interested he will call or arrange to bump into you. If he mentions he has no money, you can say you have legs & know how to walk... make it a joke, make him laugh.
Try to enjoy the romance !

Original poster
Milliemooxo · 17/03/2015 15:27

I think it is because whenever my friends meet guys, they tend to go on dates pretty quickly - and now they are asking if he's asked to see me again and I feel a bit silly that he hasn't asked! I do sound really impatient I do admit! x

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 17/03/2015 15:59

only 3-4 messages per day

To me, that sounds like a barrage of texts, but then I'm old Grin

I suggest you ask him to meet up with you and just go for a walk or something that doesn't cost anything, or you offer to buy him a coffee. If he says no then you know that's that. If he says yes, then you got yourself a date Smile Go for it!

Original poster
Milliemooxo · 17/03/2015 17:17

I think I'm scared of being ignored/rejected and then having to see him again as it's guaranteed I will!

It's his birthday tomorrow so he will be busy over the weekend as he is busy with friends. Maybe I should wait until Sunday or something Blush

OP posts:
Joysmum · 17/03/2015 17:51

Dates don't have to involve money. Ask him out to do something that doesn't involve spending.

Original poster
Milliemooxo · 17/03/2015 18:21

I would be more than happy to just go to his house or mine, or for a drive or something!

Shall I wait until the weekend?

Does it sound like he is interested and im just being a bit hasty?! Blush

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 17/03/2015 18:33

It's really a bit early to say.

Look at it this way. Blokes are expected to ask us out, and they do get rejected, it happens. If you turned someone down for a date and then you bumped into them when you were out, you wouldn't expect him to die of embarrassment on the spot, right?

Original poster
Milliemooxo · 17/03/2015 18:46

True :) I think it's because it's my brothers friend too that makes me more nervous! I do like him a lot :)

OP posts:
Binklesback · 17/03/2015 18:52

Let him be the man and ask you out when he has the means to take you. I know it's hard as women we tend to want to take control and set the pace but if he likes you he will make it happen just relax and trust it to fate Smile

Binklesback · 17/03/2015 18:57

Oh just re-read the OP and saw you slept with him. If he's not in touch after that then it's not looking good.

Original poster
Milliemooxo · 17/03/2015 19:09

We have been in touch, the same amount as we were before that happened! Surely he would ignore me if that were the case Sad

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 17/03/2015 19:11

I'm going to be tough with you now. You slept with him straightaway and now you're saying you'd be happy just staying in with him. Please, please set your standards higher than this. Stop chasing him or even thinking about him. If he'd desperately wanted to see you and had no money, surely he would then ask whether you minded if he called round with a bottle of wine? He's not making a move and you need to really look at that and understand it's because he doesn't want to.

It's perfectly natural for you to want to see someone you've slept with. This is precisely the problem with sleeping with someone so soon - it advances your relationship on one level but really you are still back at the beginning, where you haven't had a date. You've initiated all these texts, he knows damn well where he stands with you and I really don't think this has been good for you or him.

Sorry, OP, if you think this is harsh.

Thanks
PrettyFeet · 17/03/2015 19:31

Hi OP, Im sorry but I'm absolutely with Imperial on this one. Stop initiating text's and no, do not ask him to just "be" with you.

I personally become emotionally invested in a person once I sleep with them, I don't separate sex from emotion. You sound like that type of person too.

PrettyFeet · 17/03/2015 19:35

Unfortunately honey it's still very much a man's world out there I don't care what anyone says, most men do separate it and once the "conquest" has been made have no intentions to repeat the episode.

Flowers from me too.

VanitasVanitatum · 17/03/2015 19:43

It sounds like he's not really into you :( if he was he would make the effort, not you.

holdyourown · 17/03/2015 19:51

I think your best bet here OP is to just reduce the amount of texts or let him initiate most of them for now, but keep replying in the same friendly way as you have been and treat him as a friend. Give him a bit of space to ask you out but if he doesn't you'll then be on friendly terms for when you see him again. Try to keep busy and do other things so you're not just thinking about him.
Don't feel bad about sleeping with him, that was the right thing for you at the time and you had a nice time. Just relax, value yourself and take some time to focus on other things. He may ask you out later on when he's got some money or you could ask him when you see him next perhaps but don't try to hint or pressure him to ask.
You sound really nice by the way Smile

Original poster
Milliemooxo · 17/03/2015 19:56

Hey guys thank you for all the replies! I do see where everyone is coming from as that is what I was worried about and wouldn't be asking if I didn't have doubts :( I don't think he has ever been in a relationship before, not that I know of anyway, so my friend suggested he may be nervous too but I don't know lol. I got all the good signs the other night but now I'm scared!

Maybe I should see how things progress over the next week and then see?

thanks holdyourown :)

OP posts:
GoatsDoRoam · 17/03/2015 19:59

If he wanted to see you, he would be making plans to see you - money or no money.

He is not.

I think you need to step away from the phone, and distract yourself with some good friends and activities you love. You need this in order to stop obsessing over him, and to become happy and balanced again. It won't stop him contacting you with date plans if he wants to make any. But it will stop any destructive mulling. Go out there and have some fun, and put him out of your mind unless and until he actually makes an effort to spend time with you (texts are lazy).

Binklesback · 17/03/2015 20:06

'Destructive mulling' .. done plenty of this is my time Grin

Original poster
Milliemooxo · 17/03/2015 20:17

What is that lol?!

OP posts:
Binklesback · 17/03/2015 20:19

The overthinking, analysing, picking apart...we women are our own worst enemy sometimes aren't we ConfusedGrin

Original poster
Milliemooxo · 17/03/2015 20:21

Yes definetly! My best friend has told me to stop being so silly and take a chill pill Grin but it is a horrible feeling as I was messed around last time and now I'm scared it will happen again! (completely different situation but even so, I shouldn't compare them both)

OP posts:
Binklesback · 17/03/2015 20:26

Easy to say hard to do - be chilled that is. In my experience I slept with my partner on our first date - we met on Tinder! - so on paper that could and perhaps would normally be the end of it. However thé next morning he made immediate plans to see me again thé following week and we are six months down the line now, very much boyfriend and girlfriend and serious talk of marriage. In short, if hes into you,he will put thé leg work in and you won't have any cause for doubt. So yes, sit back and chill and see if he comes to you... Then you'll have your answer. I agree you sound ace by the way Smile

mix56 · 17/03/2015 20:28

Nothing wrong with a fun birthday message shower ! :o)

mix56 · 17/03/2015 20:28

however, fgs ! on phone !